Miss You

Miss you 💙🫂

hope☀️

Mitski / The Mountain Goats / @humansofnewyork / @leave-me-colourless / Rosie Tucker / The Mountain Goats / @cwote / Rilo Kiley / Kim Addonizio / Rosie Tucker

Jamil B. Holway, tr. by George Dimitri Selim, from Grape Leaves: A Century of Arab-American Poetry; “Throbbings”

i’m starting to think of home as an interim feeling of belonging that can be achieved anywhere, at any time of day. maybe home is the kind words of a stranger on the train. or a loved one making tea in their kitchen for you. perhaps home is not an indefinite four walls and roof over your head, rather the surrounding warmth of those around.

Love... I think a lot about love, it seems to be the only thing in this world that I know I want and always has been. I've been thinking about my idea of love and how I define love. I suppose I define it as an understanding and the ability to sympathize and understand one another, both in a romantic and a platonic relationships; and I know what love feels like because I feel loved by my siblings and my friends.

I read a lot about how your first experiences of love and attachment come from your parents, but I can only recall so much of that time. I can only assume that my mother was there for me as a infant, but I also understand she was basically a teenager when she had me and she didn't exactly come from the most loving environment herself. She was the child of a child as well, only she knows where her idea of love comes from. As for my dad, I have no idea what type of person he was, although he probably wasn't too concerned with me.

If i had to guess my mothers love language it would be acts of service. She's content when you're doing something for her and her providing food and shelter is her act of service. I do know that I have a disorganized attachment style and she probably does as well. For about 8 years, I was an only child so I spent a lot of time alone, entertaining myself. My mom didn't have a lot of friends so no one came around a lot. I occupied myself with games and tv for majority of my childhood, which is probably where I eventually learned what love was suppose to look like. At some point in my childhood she started seeing my brothers father, but I don't remember them being intimate with each other in anyway.

I think it's strange that my love languages are quality time and physical touch, because I spent so much time alone and the only time anything was physical was when I was in some sort of trouble and getting a whooping. I was always a quiet kid so I sorta feel like I always faded into the background, especially being raised southern baptist. Children were seen not heard so I didn't get attention unless I was in some sort of trouble, which I didn't want either because trouble came with whooping's. I quickly learned to be unseen and unheard.

It sounds silly to say but tv shows raised me so it's where I think I get my ideas of love from. I spent hours of my childhood with The Pickles from the Rugrats and The Simpsons. I loved watching them have full lively exciting lives, granted they were white cartoon characters and I was a black kid on the east side of Atlanta. I could still get a sense that they loved each other. I can't say as a child that I picked up on the subtleties of me constantly watching these family show until this very moment. So perhaps I've always been a lonely person. I think that by the time my brother was born, I already had my lonely loner personality.

But... what about romantic love. Growing up, I didn't see any healthy romantic relationships , if anything it seemed that I was surrounded by a community of women who became mothers at a young age and were in on again off again relationships with the father of their kids. I can't recall any of those women ever having anything good to say about the men in their lives. I saw how they struggled and knew I wanted nothing to do with that lifestyle, I made it my mission to evade these niggas well until I was 21, I was all about breaking generational curses and I successfully managed to not get pregnant at 19 like my mother and my grandma. But like them, I cant seem to form any healthy romantic relationships.

My last two relationships, left me feeling like maybe I ask for too much from my partners. But also no matter what happens, the feeling of loneliness creeps up on me a swallows me whole. While they ended for different reasons, the dark cloud of loneliness still appeared and made me feel 10 times worse. When I think about those times I felt the most lonely, it was when I craved physical intimacy and wanted to feel understood. Not sex but to be held, I needed reassurance and wanted to be understood. I wanted attention. I want to get to the root of where that comes from. Something inside of me is creating this feeling, this yearning for something. I know it's not my partners job to fill voids inside of me. Yet something leaves me feeling hollow inside.

If I had to psychoanalyze myself... I'd say that my loneliness is apart of me. I grew up with it and it's something that can only be changed by learning how to form secure attachments. (But I'm not a therapist)

a compilation of things that make me believe in the world; dedicated to my friends elle, grace, sophia, and simi <3

@honeytuesday // anne carson // jack kerouac // @morepeachyogurt // alice walker // @petalsinfall // sandra simonds // louise glück // wendy cope // mary oliver // @moonbirdy // @boysaints // john cage // ross gay // @sunbathe // lorde // jenny han // emily dickinson // source // minecraft end poem by julian gough // lorde // doris dana // coldplay; @moonlockscreensz // grace vanderwaal // mary oliver // @eisayshi // @icarusgf // @theorangepdf // arnold lobel // @peoplehood // @sequin-covered-swans // schuyler peck // alivia horsley // madisen kuhn // danusha laméris // @rednet-remade // leslie feinberg // eden robinson // lorde