Every Time Theyre On The Piano He Always Looks At Her So Softly Aaa. Day 5 Of I Cant Stop Drawing Them

every time they’re on the piano he always looks at her so softly aaa. Day 5 of I can’t stop drawing them  💪 😭 💪

You mentioned previously issues Chloe definitely has regarding self-worth and being worthy of love. Would you be willing to expand on that?

In a heartbeat.

Some of this is inference, but I do think there’s some pretty significant support for everything in the show. I’m going totry and break it down into eras of Chloe’s life.

Chloe, her parents, and her childhood/youth: Chloe is an only child who was born to parents who had essentially given up on having children/believed they couldn’t have children. While this means she was doubtless loved, I think there’s also a strong likelihood that love came with a side of relief that bordered on desperation. From things she’s said to Lucifer, we also know Chloe would’ve liked to have siblings; this indicates she felt lonely, always wanting something she couldn’t have. 

We know Penelope is dramatic; there’s no reason to believe she was any less dramatic about her precious miracle child. John was definitely the stable one, but he worked a dangerous job–every family connected with law enforcement knows, on some level, the day may come when the parent doesn’t come home. So, Chloe grew up with a kind of low-grade fear in the background of family life. We also know Penelope was (because she still is) constantly either working or trying to get work as an actor. Chloe’s response to her mom “using” Trixie as a prop indicates that she still, even years later, has a lot of strong feelings about that side of things. To me, this indicates that Chloe being an actress wasn’t so much about what she wanted as what Penelope wanted–I think this is supportedby the fact that her first movie is what can perhaps generously be termed a B-movie, and one where her breasts were bare no less. In other words, Chloe looked to be following in her mother’s footsteps.

So, I need to talk about acting and self-esteem for a second. Given what we know about Chloe as an adult, I don’t think she was thrilled about Hot Tub High School… but it was a means to an end. Do the crap movie so you can maybe get a better one and hope you don’t get typecast as the actress with the boobs (guys, there are a lot of reasons actors insist on nudity clauses in their contracts). Acting, especially in Hollywood, focuses a lot on looks. You cannot avoid it. So, doubtless there was a lot of pressure on young Chloe to look a certain way, be a certain size, be pretty, don’t be too clever, be likable, do what they say. Chloe was conditioned to think this way because of the world she was traversing from childhood.

And it was a mask. It was something she put on to please her mom. It was a way of receiving praise. And of course she wanted praise. She had few friends (another trait that has carried into adulthood), didn’t have a “normal” life. And Chloe is sensitive. We see over and over how sensitive she is, how she’s the first to touch someone’s shoulder when they’re in pain, how she can step into the shoes of someone to see things from their point of view to talk them out of shooting a gun, for example. I don’t think it’s a stretch to imagine she was very lonely. 

But she had her dad. Kind dad, loving dad, stable dad.

And then she didn’t.

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In defense of Chloe Decker

Chloe is a detective. She’s used to looking for evidence. When she sees the hard evidence of Lucifer’s face, she goes to find more evidence to help explain what she saw because finding evidence of things is how she distances herself from emotional turmoil. How many times has something upsetting or emotionally devastating happened to Chloe where her immediate response is “Let’s get back to work” or “I just want to focus on work.” Is it healthy? Probably not. Is it realistic? Um, hell yes it is.

She’s tormented by the idea that all the evidence she has of Lucifer being a fundamentally good person has been a lie. A lie she told herself because she has feelings for him. Not only have the men in Chloe previous romantic relationships lied to and betrayed her–she has lied to herself to excuse them. Think about it: she has evidence that Pierce is a dick (the things he says, the things he does, giving Dan that washed-up cops union rep position). She doesn’t like him at all in the beginning. She must deceive herself about some of that initial reaction later to make a relationship even possible. This completely echoes her relationship with Lucifer. Going from “I find you repulsive” to “I love you” is a pretty freaking huge leap, you know?

Remember, Chloe sees Lucifer’s face like right after she realizes she had been about to marry a freaking crime lord who convinced her utterly that he loved her. Like. 24 hours later. Her terror and confusion are justified. 

And what’s a crime lord to the Devil? Talk about freaking escalation. Dan was a dirty cop who lied to and gaslighted her; Pierce was a dirty cop … who was also a crime lord and also the world’s first murderer who lied to and gaslighted her; Lucifer is the goddamned Devil, societal embodiment of all things evil. Chloe, like a real person, has huge insecurities. Hers center around being loved/being lovable/being left/being used. If you can’t take a step back and imagine the last few years of Chloe’s life from her perspective, I don’t know what to tell you. She might not handle things as well as Linda (debatable), but Jesus, she’s trying, and she’s doing a lot better than, oh, most reasonable people would in her position.

Father Kinley plays on this. Remember, he’s been researching Lucifer for a long time. He knows exactly what to say to convince her. He knows exactly which books to show her. His voice is a slow-dripping poison in her ear, and everything he says trickles right down into the broken heart of a woman who has spent her entire adult life being lied to and left by the men she’s chosen. The evidence says she cannot trust her choices.

The things Kinley says are absolutely devious and absolutely devastating. Lucifer is funny and charming and kind–but it’s a lie. Lucifer will adjust his ploys to ensnare you more completely–and the first thing he says when she arrives boils down to “I adjusted the over-the-top date from last time to grilled cheese, the kind you like. I made you a playlist of music I think is silly because you like it.” He only bleeds around her to make her pity him.

Chloe is not weak or stupid or cruel or mean. If she hadn’t questioned and hadn’t walked this path, she could never have gotten to the point she gets to with Lucifer by the end of the season. And it all refers back to that first conversation she has with Ella about faith. In this case, Chloe’s faith–not in God, but in her own objectivity–has been rocked really damn hard. 

ALSO, and I think this is super important and I’m not sure I’ve seen it mentioned yet–when Chloe does almost pour the contents of the vial into Lucifer’s glass but knocks the glass over instead, she goes over the freaking top with her apologies. How many times has she seen Lucifer’s bar and Lucifer’s club in various states of destruction? Her apology is not for spilling the wine or breaking the glass. She is apologizing so profusely because she almost did something she considers reprehensible to someone she cares about. She has so so so many conflicting feelings. It’s tearing her apart just as much as the later events of the season nearly tear Lucifer apart.

Chloe’s journey this season precisely mirrors Ella’s story from that first conversation about God. Ella said, “My aunt was a nun, okay? And she always taught me that doubt was really important. Right? I mean, if you don’t question something, then what’s the point of believing it? Mm-hmm. I doubt so that I can believe.”

Chloe’s not doubting the existence of the Devil so she can believe in the Devil or God or celestials or Big Stuff beyond her comprehension. She’s doubting her love for the Devil so she can believe her love for the Devil is real. Even the painful steps are steps forward and steps that were necessary for her to take to make sure the love she feels going forward is, as Lucifer and Chloe have both raised concerns about in the past, real.

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