Dream Study

Dream Study

Before I get into everything, before I explain where things really start to devolve- I feel like I need to give a bit of context. Besides the initial shock, there is a reason I fear those glimpses that I catch in the corner of my vision, looking like my doppelganger. I used to have this recurring nightmare where I wake up in bed, and the house is so quiet and empty. I'm unsure of why I woke up, but still I pull the blankets away to find an outstretched arm from under the covers. Immediately I grab it, and I pull it with me. Now I'm not sure how it happens in the dream. As I recall how things happened, I know my dream logic makes no sense. I'm calling for my parents but my voice is dead in my throat. I keep trying to reach the door to my bedroom, but it's so far. Eventually, I realize that in my haste I never realized the arm was still connected to someone, and when I turn around I'm face to face with myself. I'm gaunt and pale, I'm naked, eyes glazed over they might as well be dark marbles in the sockets. Of course I let go in shock because what the hell, right? At least put some pants on before scaring the hell out of me. But she outstretches her slender boney hands, and she latches onto me. And then she strangles me until I'm dead. Every time, nearly every night for months, it was more of the same. Sometimes I would wake up shouting in my sleep. Sometimes I felt like I'd been in a struggle when I woke up. I didn't understand why it was happening. 

Not going too far into the events of my life that led me there, there was a night that things changed. I wouldn't call the dream lucid, but it was damn near close. I mean, it started the same as all the others. I wake up in the bed of my childhood home, but nobody is there except for the lingering horrors I'm not yet privy to, and it all starts with that outstretched arm. Always does. I turn around with that sickening realization that the arm is in fact connected to a body. In only a way dream logic can work. Now though, I bite down on the arm, and I am feral and cornered. 

And I just keep

Biting. I keep punching. I keep attacking violently and soon the doppelganger, as the only way I know to call it, is on the ground with their intestines pulled out. Their ribs broken away, and I'm eating it. I consume and I consume until I can say there's only one of me. That I feel safe. I think about that dream a lot lately. I feel haunted by it, but most of all

I don't even know which one of us it was that prevailed in the end. God help us all if I'm not me.

You ever get home after a day of feeling like something was off and you can't put your finger on what. You kick off your shoes, you lay on your bed, and suddenly it hits you with striking clarity "I AM HUNGRY RIGHT NOW" to the point where you can't wait to cook dinner for your family because the smell of sauteing vegetables and ground meat might send you into a rabid frenzy so instead you have to order out?

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

There were so many strange things my parents told me as I was a child. Right down to how I was born, and now that I'm an adult, it's difficult to sift through what is real and what isn't. They said my mother had tried to have a child before me, and she had almost died during the pregnancy. That the fetus was not living, that it was shriveled and covered in tumors and that they had prayed and God had gifted them when they had thought they were unable to have children. This was possibly the more believable of the strange things that they claimed after this. Tales of my father and uncle and grandparents before my time being in contact with higher powers, tales of indigo children and aliens and the end of times coming. And by the time I finally got out, I didn't know which way was up and which way was down. I did the only thing I could think to do. I moved to Niceville, because I was scared.

Because this is the story of Aiden Gossman.

I knew Aiden Gossman was in trouble the moment he showed up, late, to work. I scowled at his cargo shorts and brand logo printed shirt, his open toed shoes- these were not up to dress code. How many times do you have to beg someone to follow the rules? Do my words mean nothing to him? Was what I was thinking bitterly as I watched him trudge along as if he wasn't a full half hour late to work. How was he not panicking? It was infuriating. Yet there he was, and here I was, scanning sporting goods in the thick of the backrooms. Well, if he wasn't going to care, I wasn't going to care either. No more ranting from me, that's for sure. I let out a sharp breath through my nose as if to let go of the pressure building in my head. 

Of course, I was taken out of my thoughts by the crackling of the overhead speakers asking for maintenance in the fitting rooms; there was shattered glass and papers with cryptic encoded messages left in there again. Which in my opinion is pretty rude, you should save that sort of thing for when you're at home, not out in a public space like Mallmart. Today ended up starting like usual, I made my rounds in Sporting goods and housewares. I put out several team lifts. It wasn't until about lunch time that I had noticed that Aiden had not been out on the sales floor all day. "Hello there Kara! Do you happen to know where Aiden has been for the last two hours? I'm hoping he was just assigned to a new department-"

"Haven't you heard? He's been with management since he got here. Everyone's been talking about it and we're all sure he's being canned." 

The first thing I felt was anger. How many times had I warned him and warned him? Exactly what I said, ended up happening and I couldn't protect him from the outcome. So I marched down through the back rooms to find him myself. Sure enough,  Aiden Gossman sits on the floor outside of management's office. His dark shade sunglasses hid his expression. "I told you! I told you this would happen, and you never believed me! Do you not remember our training? They had it written right in the pamphlet they gave us before we started here! I can't protect you from this. I can't go in there and talk them out of it…" I slump down to his seat on the floor

"I may be a bad employee, but I thought I was your friend, Ciara." I can feel his gaze through his shades and 

Oh.

The anger fizzled out as I realized that he was one of the closest things I had to a friend since I moved to Niceville. The choices he made sometimes frustrated me to no end, but I didn't want to see him leave. How could I take it back though? I desperately wanted to backtrack from my tirade, because Aiden inspired a level of humor in the workplace, a level of happiness with his way of talking in the breakroom, of trying to get his shifts cut down early, of bringing his guitar into work and serenading us with a song. "It's fine, Ciara. Seems like hell seems to follow you wherever you go anyways." My mouth wouldn't comply with me, for once I seemed at a loss for words.

Oh I know! I rustled through my lunch bag to give him my soda; It was the closest thing to a meaningful apology I could think of. It was so rare to have sweetness and caffeine in this place of work. Not for the employees, no. "Hey Aiden-" But it was too late to take back what I said. Aiden Gossman was gone.

Ugh I'm cold

The sun has gone down in Okaloosa County and there are only dying embers left on the horizon. I was craving the sunlight today, there was something about the warmth and humidity that felt nostalgic. What's worse- uv powered glow in the dark products are not bright anymore. Like Niceville's sun, they too sleep. No faiiiir~

Ugh, it's so hot out here, in Niceville

But my glow in the dark products need to feed on the sweet UV rays of the sun.

So, outside I sit, chanting rhythmically in tongues. I may have thrown in a few "Hurry up!"s

A Confession

The truth is, I have trouble coping with things. When the going gets tough, and things seem insurmountable. When my sense of reality is shaken to its core, my go-to is to deny, deny, deny. 'I'm happy! This isn't even happening!' Is what I tell myself, and sometimes if I'm real lucky it works. I'll get a second wind, and I'll drag myself to the finish line in the nick of time. 

Maybe some of my otherkin friends may relate to this, maybe not I'm unsure. But when it seems unreasonably hard for me to take care of myself, I pretend I'm a plant. Now I'm not sure if I would go as far as to say I'm plantkin- that'd probably be a stretch, right? Maybe this is just a very odd coping mechanism. I like to sit out in the hot, hot sun though. I crave it more than anything, the way humidity makes the air dense, and it moisturizes my skin. The way the sun is so saccharine it's like you can taste it on the back of your tongue, like an oil dense sugar? 

Sometimes I'll lay down at the bottom of the tub with the shower running, and feel the water pelting my body. I know I really ought to hurry up and just get out of the shower, but sometimes I linger a bit longer.

Sometimes being a plant is allowing yourself kindness in your life. Sometimes being a plant allows you to be happy.

Fashion Advice! With Madame Macabre

When trying on makeup, clothes or jewelry, it can be helpful to look into your seasonal complexion to understand colors that may stand out and make a statement in your wardrobe! Since there are 12 seasonal complexions, I will take the liberty of going into depth of one complexion type a month to dive into the depths of these fantastic looks-

This month's season is Light Summer/June

Light summer is characterized by those who have light ashy hair that's soft in color, from icy white blondes to mousy browns. These individuals have neutral or neutral-cool complexions with beige or pinkish undertones. Light Summer eyes can be light grey, light blue, light azure or a light green which is cooling and easy on the eyes like mint and jasmine.

Notable celebrities with this complexion are Cate Blanchett, Margot Robbie, and Miley Cyrus. Those who fall under the season of June may find themselves gravitating towards soft pastels and cool tones. Anything light and airy like a cool breeze, you just pull it off so effortlessly!