I'm Really Not Good About My Flaws Or Failing. I'm Really Not Good At It. The Second I Fail Even If It's

I'm really not good about my flaws or failing. I'm really not good at it. the second I fail even if it's a tiny bit, my world falls apart and I fall into a depressed stupor.

you know what I did today?

made gross tasting donuts.

they're edible? I guess? at least I was told they tasted good, but I thought they were nasty. I can't even eat another one because it's so gross!

but well, now I can't even breathe I'm so depressed.

......................

except, I'm writing this down.

so that's good?

idk.

idc.

I don't wanna think about it anymore.

bye.

5/13/19

sometimes you're just cold and need a hand to hold

I cried today in front of a friend. it wasn't on purpose, and I didn't want to. I was feeling depressed, trying to say something when I trailed off and my eyes started watering. we were just hanging out.

we sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before she started strumming her guitar that was in her lap. I started crying more, quietly. and we continued like this for a while.

"is everything alright?"

and I said, "yes, this is pretty normal" in a very small voice.

she stared playing a song for a while, and made a few jokes that I tried to smile at. she also offered me a tissue from her bedside table.

I ended up sitting in her room quietly crying for an hour. when it was time to leave I tried to explain in as few words as possible, "I don't know if I've told you this before. I try not to mention it. but I've struggled with depression for a long time and I didn't realize I'd feel this way when we said we'd hang out yesterday." and after more silence, "did you know?"

"yeah, I figured."

and then I got up to leave. we said goodbye and I walked to my car and drove home.

I sat in her room, crying, for an hour.

she didn't ask to talk about it. or acknowledge it until the very end.

and I know it's terribly unfair of me to feel this way, but I'm angry. I'm so upset that she didn't even say anything. she tried to cheer me up yeah. but- but it wasn't that kind of a day.

and now my head hurts, and my heart hurts, and my eyes hurt because I've been crying all evening.

so... I don't know how I'll face her tomorrow (we're going to an event together.) because I'm angry and hurt and it's so incredibly unfair of me.

i'm sad.