Terror

Terror

I'm scared, sitting here in MY home, with all the doors and windows locked, with the alarm system on, with the sun shining outside, and I'm terrified. Why? On the website we've been using for our D&D campaign, where I've been posting long write-ups about my character and her reaction to events during the campaign, a stranger favorited our campaign. They didn't respond to anything, they didn't make any comments, they just favorited the campaign so that they could follow it, and probably the posts that I've been making. DM said that he already planned to nuke the site, and would do so sooner if I gave the word.

This. Is. Not. Rational.

But it is. I don't know this person, and those posts directly relate to a time and place that I can be found every week - if the person did their homework, there is a possibility that they could find me. And just, randomly, show up one day. 

The fact that ANYONE could do that scares me, but this is hitting some buttons that go WAY deeper than that.

So, my father was mentally and emotionally abusive. He never raised his hand to me, but his greatest weapon was doubt, and he was escalating when I left. Since getting away from him, I've rooted out alot of the damage that he did to me, but he affected me my whole life growing up. I realized a couple years ago that I inadvertently internalized his voice - all those thoughts that say "you're not good enough," "You're doing something wrong," "You're not doing it right," they speak in MY voice. I FEAR him, that he'll pull me back in one of these days. When in college, I presented a poster on some research I did - the poster was put online like all the others, and it was because of that poster that my father was able to find me and contact me again, after I thought I'd gone invisible. So now, any time a strange username shows up, or I get a weird comment form someone I don't recognize, a thrill of panic races through me, even if I"m able to explain it away.

But it's not just him I fear... again, when in college, my mom was the victim of a home invasion. The bastard impersonated a cop. He promised her that if she went to the police, he'd find and do the same thing to me... For the next couple of months I went nowhere without someone else around - weather my roomate or my boyfriend at the time - for fear that he'd do exactly as he promised. I'm a loner by nature, I generally preferr to be alone, and being constantly surrounded by people... it saw me in the hospital. The fear, the constant terror, the looking over my shoulder and wondering... will it be tonight? Will he find me tonight? Will he do that tonight?

I know why the narcolepsy got so bad all of a sudden after I married. It was because, finally, for once in my life, I was safe, and I didn't have to keep pushing just to survive. I. Am. Safe. Here. Even with demons climbing in through the windows, at the very least, my physical body is safe. 

But if I leave, if my husband isn't here... That's where alot of the anxiety comes from. That uncertainty... you can take as many precautions as you want, but eventually... something will just happen. Someone will get through. And with my body being unreliable as it's been... well, if something DID happen, would I be able to handle myself?

Anger cuts through the cataplexy for me, which is comforting. And I decided a LONG time ago that I'd rathar be angry than scared, than sad. So...

Fuck my father. Fuck that man. Fuck that guy that randomly favorited our campaign, and fuck this fear. I'm going to get angry, and it's going to fuel me. I will be terrifying, and if anyone tries to do anything, well.... it'll be an excuse for me to let loose this well of anger that I hold. Turn the pain to energy, turn the fear to anger, and USE it. We have weapons in every single one of our rooms, and I'm prepared to kill. I'm not putting up with this fear any more!

The sun will always rise.

Sunrise over the Chesapeake bay. Havre de Grace, MD

That's when you go to sleep. Of course, that may mean sleeping all the time - Darnit, now I know why I have Narcolepsy!

The later (earlier?) it gets the more I realize how much I hate myself and everyone around me.

Interesting. I'll have to do some research into this. I've severely cut back my intake of milk products, not because of this, but because of the mucus it creates in my sinuses - I'm really getting peeved at my ears randomly popping for no reason. I'm not saying that "milk causes low calcium," just that it's interesting and I'd like to investigate this deeper.

And the Hammer Falls

 The medicine's been lasting longer and longer - so much so that I can't tell when it wears off anymore. It really helps with the Cataplexy - During the day I'm not in risk of falling over or collapsing. I'm weak when waking, or when I'm getting a sleep attack, but I don't collapse. I HAVE been noticing that I start to shake - a very fine tremor through my limbs - when the cataplexy would otherwise be seeing me stumbling or collapsing. 

 So, whether because of the week of overcast skies or because it just felt like it, yesterday I was shaking all day. I don't think I slept well, even during my nap, and I was very tired, with a hint of depression. But, it was Friday night D&D, and especially when you're depressed you need to go out and hang with friends. I donned my bright yellow dress, put on some make up, and headed out.

The session went very well - full of laughter, innuendos, and demon slaying. It was the final battle, and the majority of the party survived! Laughter and sexual arousal are my two greatest triggers, however, and during the final boss battle I collapsed on the table, laughing. No one seemed to notice, and that's not really unusual for me, but then trying to put my dice away felt like I was trying to run through water - SLEEP PARALYSIS, not cataplexy. My entire body felt SO weak, like I was just skin and bones, and everyone was putting the table and chairs away - I felt like I was in the way. I don't like feeling that way around other people, and I really don't like admitting when I do. 

Eventually, everything was put away and we all gathered around, still talking. Several times, because of the laughter, my knees gave out and I crouched on the floor. The DM (Dungeon Master, the one running the campaign) asked me several times if I was OK, and seemed concerned otherwise, but I explained that it was just the cataplexy. Emotionally, however... if I didn't have my medicine in me, those "crouches" would have probably seen me completely limp and unresponsive. 

Walking to my car, through a dark alleyway and into a shady lot, I knew that if anyone were to try and attack me I would be helpless. DM was walking with me, because he's AWESOME, so I felt safe, but the knowledge that I couldn't defend myself... it's terrifying. I've taken classes on self-defense, I have a kubaton on my key chain (a long metal rod for jabbing in attacker's eyes and windpipe), I've always been strong, and I have so much anger that sometimes I think it would feel good to have an excuse to just wail on someone. But last night, none of that mattered, because my body decided that it was going to be weak. 

I know I have to focus on the things that I CAN do. I'm a great writer, I KNOW science and biology, I can geek out with the best of them. But every so often there's a nasty little reminder of what I CAN'T do anymore. I can't go to Grad school full time, I can't work full time, I'll never be a professor, or get a doctorate like I dreamed when I was younger. That's what hurts the most, not the exhaustion, not the headaches, not the side effects of the medicine or knowledge that my body can just give out at any time, but the fact that I have to give up on my dreams. My ambition will remain unfulfilled, because my brain can't regulate sleep. And that's all there is to it. 

I learned a long time ago, though, that if it wasn't one thing, it was going to be another. I've survived before, I'll find a new dream to pursue. And, really, thinking about it, all the greatest scientists made their findings, not through universities or as professors, but as unaffiliated individuals. They had professions in subjects completely unrelated to their discovery. Can I still read? Yes. Can I still write? Possibly better than before. Can I still think? Again, when am I not? It's just a matter of time before I do something amazing, and I need to keep reminding myself of that fact.