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I am nothing more than a joke

Why is my pain never good enough for others....

Their is something always deemed bad about me... God I am tired please just help... please

I realize now thinking.... he wanted me to become the women he desired... He mentioned septum piercing one like his coworker had... the one who would randomly message him.... the one who would say often how she missed him.... messages between them I'll never forget

snoopy image of the day

I am to much and to little all in the same breath....

I'm suddenly suffocated by how fast life moves...what will I become. will I ever become more? Life is hell.... I don't truly understand anymore. Its late and I'm trapped in my thoughts I am constantly trying to escape.... why should I be deemed to something worse if I don't make it to heaven? I have barely processed yesterday....

Prepare to meet the REASON why God did not allow you to SETTLE.

For anyone who's played spiderman 2.... Kraven fantasies about his perfect death like girls fantasies about the perfect date

I remember the first time you hit me... and I remember when it started to get bad.... I remember the last time my neck bruised... it hurt to shallow or talk... you wouldn't let me leave the house and I didn't want to. I didn't want people to stare I felt embarrassed.... I remember the day I looked into the mirror and realized you'll never be the man I first met... that you simply never were.... I still feel useless..... I still feel ugly.... I still feel scared when someone is angry or frustrated. I still take all the blame..... I'm stuck in the moments when your fist would meet my face.... I would fight back sometimes but that only ever made it worse.... just be quiet. Stay silent and I won't get hurt. I hate myself for gentleness.... I'm to submissive.... you message other girls go and sleep with them... I saw the messages and their faces and bodies along with there names will be burned into my brain.... I had accepted all of you.... I need no revenge..... you yourself is revenge enough.... you are stuck with who you are.

I hate how I bare my flesh to the world.

Being seen as foolish for keeping myself excited for tomorrow...

But quite often enough I find myself praying to God that tomorrow will not come to make me want to cut out my tongue. I wish I could give it to someone else.. have them speak the way I do. Let them make my mistakes. I suppose I should pray for change in my soul more than I have... yet change is slow and all my regrets come pouring into my mind and slide back into my mouth. I swallow to keep them at bay... yet the bitter taste stays and all I'm left with is my shame.

(It's late and I'm not the best writer...but perhaps someone can understand and enjoy this....)

When I was young my dad offhandedly told me he thought people treated fish with so much casual cruelty because fish can’t scream.

The words branded themselves across my soul.

As an adult I think he may have been joking. He payed no especial attention to any indignities fish suffered in our household but I could never forget. I saw fish in a different light after that.

Fish kept in tiny bowls, breathing their own poisons, dying by inches. Fish kept in cold tanks, casually disposed of. Fish touted as being short lived when they could outlive the better loved family dog if only they could breathe. Fish casually won and discarded in cheap plastic bags, thrown away a week later.

How they would scream, if they could.

“If you knew you might not be able to see it again tomorrow, everything would suddenly become special and precious, wouldn’t it?”

— Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Mean Girls (2004) dir. Mark Waters

Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet Pride & Prejudice (2005)

Pride and Prejudice (2005) dir. Joe Wright

When Jane Austen wrote, "the more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense," I felt that.