I Wish I Was Without A Body.

I wish I was without a body.

ps: pics are not mine

I chose chaos as a teen

As a teen I willingly chose an aesthetic of chaos and self destruction. There is something incredibly beautiful in destruction. It looks and feels stylish. It feels empowering. Then one day I woke up. I realized what I had become. I had become nothing. I felt accomplished in my own destruction, and I was scared of how far I could keep on going. I couldn't keep on becoming nothing. I felt like Susanna Kaysen, I decided to heal and go out of the ward; to heal and not to fantasize about Lisa Rowe.

Anyways, as a young adult, my advice to all of the teens here: Choose life, don't waste your youth deconstructing yourself. the aftermath of self destruction is regret.

I am so anxious, I wish a bus could hit me so that I wouldn't have to end it myself

Things I love to do when I am bored:

Drawing and filling colouring page

Play PS3, mostly games like Tomb Raider

Staying with my twin sister to laugh

Going to ride my bike

Going for a super long walk with my headphones

Reading distopian novels

I can't wait for the end of the school year and at the same time I have not clue of what I'll do after college, but I have Jesus.

It's been 6 years of college, for degree which are pretty useless on the workmarket. I don't regret my bachelor in english literature nor my master degree in the field of education. Though I have a longing fear that I might not have enjoyed my student years as much as I should have. Six years of college but also six years of an eating disorder which both ruined my mental and physical health. Six years of spiritual journey which eventually led me to Jesus Christ. My heart feels heavy still but thanks to Christ I don't dwell into that feeling no more. I hope to get better, I no longer hope to put myself down.

I don't know what the future holds but I know that Jesus Christ holds it. Whatever happens I know I live in victory. The one of Jesus Christ. I won't let myself go to death.

My cat is my ray of sun, my fresh breath. Keeps the insanity out of me.