I Wish I Was Without A Body.

I wish I was without a body.

ps: pics are not mine

I chose chaos as a teen

As a teen I willingly chose an aesthetic of chaos and self destruction. There is something incredibly beautiful in destruction. It looks and feels stylish. It feels empowering. Then one day I woke up. I realized what I had become. I had become nothing. I felt accomplished in my own destruction, and I was scared of how far I could keep on going. I couldn't keep on becoming nothing. I felt like Susanna Kaysen, I decided to heal and go out of the ward; to heal and not to fantasize about Lisa Rowe.

Anyways, as a young adult, my advice to all of the teens here: Choose life, don't waste your youth deconstructing yourself. the aftermath of self destruction is regret.

Being anxious is sexy until your health starts to leave the chat

It's gonna be 8 years of that hellish eating disorder messing with me. I can't stop counting the cals. I can't stop wanting to lose weight but can't go back to eating as little as I did before.

Something deep inside of me is convinced that not eating is the solution to all of my problem.

I feel psychotic from all of the stress caused by my studies.

I have a master thesis to hand at the end of next week and a internship which is litteral hell. I am loosing my mind.

I was walking to the internship when I started to hear voices telling me everybody was about to kill me. The voices sounded like my voice but it wasn't me.

Never again in my life I'll do something that I hate. I'm going mad.

Being desperate and christian, feels like I'm in a constant battle.

I wonder why life is so painful. Then I look at other's people life. I stop to ponder and realize, that it's my life that's painful not theirs. Their life is drowned in satisfaction from the earthly life. I wish it would satisfy me but everyday feels like another episode of cries and gnashing of teeth.

My mind longs for violence against what God chose to bring to life. Against myself.

My heart longs for thoughts of eternity that the Lord planted.

It's the alive me and the unalive me. It's the battle of the pain and the battle for love. It's the lost girl and the found daughter.