Wont Lie Im Tearing Up A Little

Won’t lie I’m tearing up a little

always thinking of wyll. just everyday.

you are seventeen when you must leave everything behind. you go without word because you are still a good son - though you aren't sure you qualify as one anymore. you have a devil on your shoulder. the intimacy of manhood, of growing up takes place under the perverse watch of a devil. you build a life for yourself with nothing but a rapier and you travel the outskirts of your homeland. you find yourself looking over your shoulder, wondering if the skyline of your home will be in the horizon burning away in your absence, or if worse - they haven't missed you at all. you fight, you save, you defend, you hunt. it is your obligation. it is the only memory you have left of your father, a ghost of a ghost - the instinct to become a blade for those sicker and needier and weaker then you. you become a hero, the blade of frontiers. you become who people need because you don't know where you are wanted. no one can discard you if you are needed. maybe life would've been different if you had learned that before seventeen instead of after.

you do right by the world when it has only done wrong by you. you still love it. just like you love your father and want to forgive him. you want to forgive the world. so you do good. you chase a devil and lose your path. when you meet her again - you can't bring your sword up to slice her throat. she's no devil but a tiefling. her name is karlach. she wants to be your ally. she's kind and strong and bright. you can't kill her. you pay the price for the world a second time. you lose yourself again. you lose the heroism you've worked so hard for all at once. you lose being the blade and take on the image of the very monster you've hunted. you lose yourself. you've lost your footing, again. you can't decide if everything has been taken from you or if you had any of it in the first place. you avoid mirrors. you try not to anguish. when they find you at the edge of the river, saddened an - you brush off of the concern. the comfort is agonizing. you have to get used to this. there's no going back. there's no undoing it. you know that there is always a price. you make it your duty to pay it. duty is who you are.

you are reminded that it is unfair, and you forgive it all again. it is all you can remember to do and you are too exhausted to be angry. the world has laid you bare again so what is there? you pick up your rapier and continue to fight because that is who you are, who you've always been.

you are the blade of frontiers, a hero. even when the world condemns and punishes you for it. you are a hero. at least that's what you tell yourself.