42 -

42 -

Crashed and burned. Stuck in a relapse but I don’t care. About anything really. No god, no magical She guiding me. Just me. Not giving a fuck.

I haven’t drank….yet. But drugs, yes. It’s so nice to turn off my brain. I actually like the fishbowl, disassociated feeling. I can live in the world and be apart of it, but still keep it at a distance.

I care so much about everything that it hurts.

“What would you attempt to do if you could not fail?” Live. Try.

I’m having a really hard time remembering the point to life or finding any reason to pull myself out of this.

You see, nothing matters in the end. Everything that we let define us, that we let dictate our lives - these are all just ideas someone else came up with. None of it matters in the end. We all die alone.

So like, why bother? I don’t want to achieve anything big or momentous, I don’t want power or status or money or anything. I just want to find a good reason to stay alive, to find joy and not let the weight of everything ruin it.

When I get like this, it’s hard to remember ever being happy. It’s hard to feel like I can have it all. Like I can believe and actually manage my feelings without any sort of substance.

It’s hard to explain.

I just felt like I was going to EXPLODE. And I guess I am exploding. Into a thousand little pieces.

the thing is, ellen bass

friendly reminder that other people’s evaluations of you are not facts. you define who you are. not anybody else.

46 -

I’m always venting and focused on what needs to improve. In the spirit of gratitude & enjoying life, I’m going to take a second to gush over my husband.

I feel so lucky that he loves me. All the parts of me. I don’t even have to try and that is when he loves me best (his words). Our relationship feels like I’ve been holding a breath in my whole life and now I can finally release it. I can breathe. The air is so sweet.

I find him physically attractive, yes - but he’s changed my sense of attraction. Gone are the days I’m wooed by a good looking guy, crafty banter & smooth compliments. He’s goofy, sometimes cringe, sometimes very cringe, loves dad jokes and gets all excited to explain the most mundane of things.

Flaws? I’m sure he has them but I don’t see them as flaws per se, just his little quirks or tendencies. His particulars. He struggles with expressing his feelings and he’s SO messy!!! To love him is to understand that without said quirks, he would not be him. The good comes with the “bad”.

He always orders large fries EVEN when I say I don’t want anything because he knows I’ll want a bite when they’re in front of me.

He stands up for me. He keeps my secrets.

He sees the ugly, broken parts and loves me all the more for it.

Sometimes we just touch our noses together and stare into each others eyes.

He calls me his sunflower girl.

I just love to smell him. You know what I mean?

If I am the million stars in the sky, he is the million spaces in between - holding our universe together.

He changed sex for me. It used to be about lust, validation, about proving myself. Now it’s all about connection and trusting enough to fully let go. I want to fuse his body into mine.

“It’s you and me against the world”.

Sometimes we can have a conversation without any words.

What I love most is that we can just be. I don’t have to make conversation or be cute or witty or anything, I just enjoy his presence next to mine.

Home is wherever he is.

Also, he loves to bake. Yup, that’s right!!! I just say “wow I’m craving chocolate cookies” and he’s like “say less”, then whips up a batch. Even if I tell him not to go to the trouble, HE insists.

My dog (OUR dog), is glued to his hip. Even more so than mine and I was her mom first! I get jealous sure, but secretly it’s my favorite. Like if she sees someone that vaguely looks like him from far away (read: any tall man with facial hair lol), she sprints to see if it’s him.

He is always sending me dog videos lol.

He is my steady anchor on turbulent seas.

On Sundays, our day, we watch movies and trade headrubs.

He always allots an extra 10 minutes on any target trip so that we can smell all the candles in the candle section.

Regardless of how shitty things feel, we are a team and that gives me hope.