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At work today, I was trying to push the cleaning cart through a narrow balcony that’s full of disorganized chairs and not run over a woman’s feet, who was in my path. As I’m getting by the woman asks me if she should move. I say, “I can make it through.” And she then says, “OK, unless you like getting punched in the face.”

"I wanted to be in the FBI, but then I found out that first you have to be a police officer for four years. And I don’t think I want to do that." "Why not?" "I’m literally five feet tall. If I tried to arrest someone, they’d think they were being pranked."

Kavinsky flops forward onto his face and regrets his entire life.

(via badedmfanfiction)

What potato chip bags are filled with.