Drifting

drifting

i want to tell you. i want to scream at you, shake your shoulders and explain why i am like this. i want you to understand why i feel this way but then i look up to your eyes and suddenly a rope is tied around my throat and i can’t speak. my hand begins to shake so i hide them behind my back and i drop my eyes to the ground because if i continue looking at you i might cry and i don’t want to break in front of you. i really don’t. i want to be as strong as you are, but my bones are made out of paper that are easily crumpled while yours are never bending iron. my heart races and i know you’re about to tell me something to encourage me, but i can’t hear it. i can’t tell you because it’s all in my head and i’m terrified of letting you in and finally seeing me through my eyes. i still want to be the happy girl you think i am because i don’t want to be a burden. so i swallow my breath and smile. because even though im not fine i still have you and somehow that makes it worth it. because in a world where my mind is slowly crumbling and where my thoughts are the only things keeping me up at night i wouldn’t know how to handle if you put any space between us. just the same way a boat would float away purposelessly if the rope tying it to the deck cuts lose. the boat would just drift away and i don’t want us to stop

I wake up in the morning and I feel like I’m missing something. I know that there’s something not right, it takes me a while to remember what it is…and then I remember. My best friend is gone. My only friend. It was silly of me to rely so much on one person. It’s all coming back on me now.

Where Rainbows End (via creatingnikki)

i. a slytherin girl with her mind and heart made up just as impenetrably as her bulletproof walk. badass, confident and easy to trust. head high, thoughts sorted and a smile full of life. she teaches you to not take shit from anyone of anything. she teaches you that when someone is out of your life, they’re out and that’s it. you don’t need them if they don’t need you. adjusts herself easily and she knows the right things to say to the right people. ambitious and forward-going. she only has her heart put out for a few people, but she lets them know it, deeply. she thinks she’s the night sky, but she’s the sun. and what the heck, she’s all the stars too. she teaches you how to let go easily and the simple fact that life goes on. ii. another slytherin girl with eyes of tender frozen, yet green and warm flashlights. you’ll remember her teasing jokes and determined, strong-willed mind. she teaches you how to close the curtains of your emotions and just keep pushing when you need to. she’s funny without even trying or feeling the need to try. she says she’s cold and unsympathetic, but funnily enough she’s too busy caring about her friends than the rest of the world that she doesn’t even know. she belongs to the stars and you know she can’t stay. she needs to go catch the rest of her constellations. iii. a boy with the sun in his soul. you’ll remember his authentic facial expressions long after you last saw him. he will teach you how to not take life too seriously and it will last like permanent reminder. his contagious laugh stays in your head, especially during extraneous gloom. extroverted, adorkable, a rush of pure energy and the sweetest feathery tornado you’ll meet. he’s a watercolor filter over liveliness and the smile that lights up the entire room. you’ll never forget the impression he made on you. iv. he’s the combination of soft clouds and unbreakable winds. he’s not meant to stay and you know it from the start, but you will have a tough time accepting it. he’s mysteriousness and filled with moon rays. you’ll never quite understand him and maybe that’s what makes him so interesting. he is the winter making you feel warm. a layer of peace and tranquility spreading wherever he goes. he’s the original reminder that everything will be okay. he touches your soul in small mesmerizing ways, even one time a romantic way. gives more than he takes and understands without even asking. v. a summery girl you never understood and maybe that’s how it was meant to be. eyes like deep almond and hair like sand waves. you’ll never know if she liked you or not, but you really tried to get her to. she’s smart in ferocious streams of calmness. she’s gentle laughs on the beach with her best friend and ice cream cones in the middle of july. she teaches you maturity without you or her even knowing. she might not be the most memorable to you, but when you think about her you always regret not being her friend. and she’s probably the moon and the sun at the same time. vi. a hufflepuff boy who is a blend of the sun and the wind. easy to talk to, always there to talk to you. loves his girl unconditionally and without any second guesses. he never just gets to know you, he gets to know the real you. goofy like a childhood memory and naturally happy without a doubt. a bit flaky, a bit messy but everyone knows that’s his charm. you know from the very first time you meet him that his heart will remain in the right place forever. vii. she’s the glue that holds your girl clique together and everyone knows it. she doesn’t look at you, she inhales you and tries to understand every bit of you. quirky and smart in a delicate way. when you think of her you think of golden, people laughing in a high-quality restaurant, champagne popping and the hot sun on the pavement on a dreamlike vacation. she just doesn’t make sure that she understands her friends, but that her friends understand each other. when you think of her, you know she’ll stay in your life forever, because she wouldn’t let anything other than that happen. viii. she’s the sweet smirk on a tiresome afternoon. she’s kindness blooming everywhere she goes. she nods her head in sincere empathy when someone is pouring out their thoughts. she is the rain on a sunny sunday. you’ll remember her patience, understanding, her support and her smile. greeting you with open arms and a floppy cute wave. and when things can’t get worse, she’s there reminding you that they won’t. she’s the tiny spark, you would never dare to forget.

tina jaxén // people from school i can’t help but miss (via tinaspoetry)

being physically sick when you have mental illness is so odd because i am positive, always, that people will treat me the same way. i assume i’m not bad, because others have been worse, i tell very few people, i apologize for the inconvenience. i say of diagnosed illnesses: i’m faking it. it’s not bad. i don’t want to be annoying.

and it is strange to me. i get tired quickly because my lungs aren’t working - people go out of their way to help me, let me sit down, tell me not to worry. i get tired because my brain isn’t working - people ask why i’m being difficult, why i can’t just drink a coffee. 

i cough and i wheeze and people fawn over me. they offer me cough drops, they pull tissues from sleeves. when i stop eating and showering i’m being selfish, i’m lazy. i apologize for not wanting to go to the party, i’m on antibiotics and can’t drink; i’m told they’ll miss me, i get people staying home with me. i apologize for not wanting to go to the party, i’m spiraling and drinking wouldn’t be good for me; i’m told to relax and stop taking things seriously.

i show up to work wheezing. my lungs sound like a door creaking. i am shooed home, told to take off all the time i need. i never tell my boss i have ocd and am sometimes late for counting. admitting this seems personal, embarrassing. when i am having a bad day, i show up to work and people ask why i’m being so distant. so annoying. they drop their voice when they say depression but bring me green tea to help my breathing.

people ask if i’m feeling better. they fuss over me. they ask if they can bring soup, do anything. 

people ignore it. they ask if i’m over it yet. they tell me it’s a phase, it’s passing. they say they were sad once, it’s not serious, and i should stop making everything about me.

i don’t let people take care of me. i don’t know how. i don’t trust them. in my life, when i am bad, they leave. when my body is failing, i assume the same thing. 

i’m sorry i’m difficult. i just don’t understand people trying.

summer solstice

Sunrays travel through the space of the universe

In order to touch earth who is never still.

The rays who are never yielding to the gigantic distance

between them and forever faithful to its ambition

of bringing warmth to earth.

The sun existing with the constant restraint of never

Being too close, for she would burn every ounce of life

of her beloved earth, and never being too far, for

she in her absence would freeze every

drop of life in him.

He who is always changing and always trying to forget.

The sun willing to live with that constant pain of

Being there, having only her rays barely

caress earth’s skin, whispering encouraging

words, making him strong against

Hate, ignorance, apathy, and intolerance.

Even though all she wants to do is embrace him

And never let him go.

Having time slowly slipping through her fingers,

Always yearning and dreaming of being able

to be with him and hold him.

However one day every year the earth looks at

Her and decides to stay still just for her.

Being as close as they could be for as long

He is able to.

So they stare at each other in full earnest

In what is for everyone else the longest day of the year.

And the earth remembers what’s like to be in love.

But no day is long enough for them, it never was and

It’ll never be.

The earth then continues to be the fickle constant in her

Universe, trying to obliviate the feeling of desiring something

He can’t have.

So they continue living, the earth sickly dying in bitterness

and the sun doomed to pass her time in loneliness

until she too ceases to be.

And even if there were others planets,

And even if he denied their feelings,

she would only always love one until

The end of her time.

- so whenever you think about loss and pain just remember that the celestials don’t get to escape despair either.

Her erratic breaths made a lovely melody accompanied by the city’s noise. Her weak knees pressed against the cold pavement did their best to kept her straight. Her once beautiful dress was now a dirty mess ripped to shreds that only reminded her of her despair. Her brunette hair which used to be braided was now loosely blown by the chilled air of the night. It hurt. Betrayal hurt. Shutting her eyes closed, she stood up and started walking aimlessly. Their taunting laughter still echoed in her head. Their empty eyes still followed her. Then she was at the museum. Their museum. Where they promised they would always be together. Where secrets were shared. Where she learned what love what suppose to be like. Or so she thought. The sound of a broken glass the startled her waking her up from her painful trance. “Princesa, what are you doing here? What happened at the party?” an old man asked leaning an oval shaped mirror against a wall. “Nothing abuelo, I’m just tired”  she tried to lie, swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat. The wrinkle’s man face regarded her in concern, but when she turned away he sighed. “Just remember princesa, tu eres más fuerte que tus demonios.” Just when the door closed again she opened her eyes to confirm that she was alone. Suddenly she fell to the ground letting cries escaped her mouth. How could she be so naive? Lifting her face from a shield her hands had created she saw the reflection of the mirror shone in the darkness. Whimpering she dragged her body to the wall and took the mirror in her trembling hands. Upon seeing the image reflected she stayed in silence before letting a scream fueled by hatred. So under the gaze of the city that never sleeps she swore that they would never hurt her again. That they would pay. She would make them pay for what they had done. Because after all, she was stronger than her demons.