Rose-m4ry - Counting Down

Alright fuckers I survived the day. Time for the aesthetics and some planning.

Moving all tasks from yesterday to today because I felt sleepy lol

☾˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ September 18. 2024 "Art gets what it wants and art gets what it deserves."

Done ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ꕥ

♥︎ Rewrite formal theme (1/2)

♥︎ Finished IEWU

My back hurts so fucking much. It's almost been a month since I started doing this, if I can keep going for at least half a year more, I'd be happy. Though I'm trying to break out of the mentality that stability is a one month free trial before it all goes to shit, it's kind of hard when that's been my basis for years now. I want to be realistic and neither pressure nor shame myself for all the struggles that come along the way, and so far so good, but I'm still looking out for any warning signs that I might be getting Sad again so I could prepare accordingly.

Probably the mentality keeping me afloat right now is "it is what it is" and "whatever will be, will be." I'm always expecting the worst case scenario, and I worry sometimes if I should be expecting positive outcomes instead to be more motivated. Neither one reassures me as much as going "fuck it, we ball" and living anyways. I've done this before, and I can do it again. I have the power to change and grow under any condition.

I get worried again that I sound too much like a cheesy motivational speaker when I talk about these things, but they are genuinely how I feel about my life and how I'm approaching things. I don't want to sound like I know everything and I've got it all figured out. I'm scared every step of the way. I'm fucking terrified that everything's gonna fall apart and I'll be back to square one every single day, because I've gone through this before, and its fucking tiring.

But the thing I have to acknowledge is that I don't know that for sure. I can neither rule it out as a possibility, nor prophesize it. If I do end up back on square one, though, then I still have evidence, reminders that I've done hard things before, that I've crawled out of ruts and I can get out again. That's what these journal entries are for— they're for me, to remind myself that I've survived the years prior to this, and that I will survive again.

Anyways, here's a picture I took of an English essay I had to rewrite. My hand and back ended up hurting very badly because I didn't stop in-between to take breaks when I was trying to cram all the words onto one page. I have to cut some out for Filipino tomorrow too, unless...?

"...In the adult world, it makes no sense to go into a space where you were not invited and that you do not value and respect, and then expect others around you to accommodate for low effort and low investment. No one is going to be forcing you to do anything, so we have to make choices that actually align with our values and interests."

- a high school student in an AP English Language class

When I first saw this quote on the slideshow from the teacher regarding our performance during our Friday Socratic, my initial thoughts were, "Ouch, well. that's mean."

But, I thought deeper into this and realized that, yeah, that kid is right. If we don't have an innate desire to learn, improve, and grow, nobody is in charge of making us want that. I feel like that's okay, but we have to recognize that in ourselves and "make choices" that reflect what we actually value, not what we want to pretend that we value.

This then led to some self-reflection on my part, which was a big thing in my "things I want to do this year" list that I posted last week (also on Monday). What did I value? Was I going into all of these AP classes because I had the innate desire to learn and improve? Or was I in these classes because I felt that taking complex classes would improve my chances of getting into college, boost my ego, etc.? Would I be willing to put in the work when grades are not on the line? Would I be willing to constantly push my writing and other assignments toward perfection, experiment with different ideas, and drabble with new concepts and ideas?

Essentially, I asked myself, "Do I have the internal incentive to care about my work, my writing, my learning?"

I'm slightly scared because I don't quite know the answer to that yet. Do I really love learning, or am I lying to myself? Anyway, I hope that, through the course of this year, I can answer that question with a confident "yes".

What's the first step? For me, the first step is to stop complaining about my school workload. Even earlier, I was grumbling about starting my history textbook reading. I guess reading this quote and deeply thinking about it has really helped me to reflect on my own thoughts and how they reflect my values and priorities.

That's all of my thoughts. Lmk if you guys have anything to else to add. Rn encouraging everyone to think deeply about the things people say, you read, and others do.

luv, q