Things We Lose

Things we lose

I remember a time when I was a child. One of the ones that played in the mud with their first-day-of-school outfits, convinced my siblings they could fly, and snuck off in the middle of dinner to go play pretend in the backyard. My only worries were if my “starved” stomach could survive until the blessed amen. Then of course the growing up period of middle school, where I built up walls to protect from the endless embarrassment of pooled immaturity. High school being much the same, and then there was the world. They give you the world and say figure it out. Jobs and taxes and leases and noise. But here is what I wonder, obsessing about day by day, as I look back and question when was the exact moment I lost myself? Was it even just one moment or instead millions of small bites that gnawed at my very being? Slowly and slowly eating away with such precision that I never even noticed until it was too late. I was already gone. And here I am wondering, as I look back, what went wrong? Maybe there’s a hope kindling deep within myself that thinks if I can retrace my steps, I will find all of the shattered pieces of myself along the way. I’ll collect them up and with all the pieces, looking so very small in my hands, I’ll be able to put myself together. I’ll find myself again.

All I can

I’ve taken all I can take

The bones I have, the bones that break

And it’s all just come and gone

And I’m barely holding on

I’ve lost all I could lose

The heart that was, the heart has bruised

And the songs gone out of tune

I wish to God it weren’t so soon

Cause the moments got away

And I’m chasin’ for some other way

I can have my happy end

That you won’t leave, my only friend

I am in too worlds, of light and dark. Both make sense, in their own way. When I’m in one, it is all I know, and the other side of that coin is something confusing and seemingly insane. Today I am in a dark world. There are shadows here and muted colors. Smiles are painted on and my eyes are empty and cold. And when I think of my life being anything but this, it seems such a long ways away. Like a dream, or a distant memory. Even though it was just yesterday when I felt light, when I dreamed of bright futures and actually believed it would come true. So far away now. Another life.

One Lonely Spider

It’s the end of the line for me.

I’m a husk 

Empty

Shattered

One lonely spider dangling on a string.

What happens when the legs break and silk crumbles?

Hang on, it cries to itself,

But not courage, not will, can stop that broken little spider from falling.

And fall it does

Down 

Down

Down the drain broken legs and all

Not a sad fate though

For the spider simply was too small

Too small and the world too big

Its fate was set from the very first breath 

The moment its young legs touched the ground.

I can only feel bad for the spider that tried

To exist in a world built for the grand.

Farewell child

Farewell and good luck

Pray you don’t leave behind hate and pain and hurt

That they will forgive you when you go

For your broken legs could only hold you so long

No more pain, is that so wrong?

Me today about literally everything:

-A Better Place-

Shattered into pieces

Given up for dead. 

A pain that never ceases

All thoughts are born from dread.

Wisk me away to a better place,

Where words do nothing but sing.

Where time is asleep, and not in this chase,

Where dreams can be filled with anything.