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𝗙𝘆𝗼𝗱𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗡𝗶𝗸𝗼𝗹𝗮𝗶: 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝗱𝘆𝘀𝗳𝘂𝗻𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗿𝗮𝘄𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿

Fyodor can't function without God the same way Nikolai can't function without freedom.

Their personalities are so off-balanced and incompatible with reality, they need something outside of it to feel whole.

Eventually, their immense need to rely on Freedom/God distorts the very source of their comfort.

Freedom gets bloody, and God becomes hungry for the sacrifice.

But it isn't that freedom or God have fundamentally changed. What changed were their brains of those perceiving them and their motivations.

Gogol and Dostoevsky needed an ideal that would inspire them to live, no matter how disappointed they are with their own existence.

Both Clown and Demon also looked for a justification, a place onto which they could project their hidden pain, without directly interacting with it.

Fyodor and Nikolai were pretty angry at what happened to them in the past. Whatever it was, it hurt. And still does.

But neither Dostoevsky, not Gogol can't acknowledge that. If they would ever do so, these two would have to admit: they still care about people and the way people treat them.

So each of the duo says that they're hurting others, not for the personal gain or out of a desperate attempt to feel better. No, they're doing for the ideal: be it “Freedom” or the “God”.

It allows both Fyodor and Nikolai to keep lashing out, while keeping their self-images intact.

They keep saying to themselves: “I hurt others because of how inhuman I am”. While in reality the opposite is accurate.

They both became criminals because of their humanity, albeit flawed one.

Of course, Gogol's idea of freedom is almost broken or at least showing cracks. But Dostoevsky's obsession with God's is as strong as ever.

It'll only grow stronger, the closer Fyodor gets to the end of his goal.

Dostoevsky rushes towards it with all of his might because despite all his prayers and hopes, living with his version of God is still unbearable.

It kinda hurts.

And he wants it to stop.

Do you know that I love to draw?

I do. And this is how my art looks like. But I haven't been able to create it for a while because of a terrible toothache. My teeth hurt so much I want to pull them out.

This GIF is replaying in my head over and over again. Can you do this to me too, Bill?

Right now, it feels like bees are trapped inside my teeth 🐝 When my dentist opened the first one, she saw a dark puddle of a decayed filth. Turned out I needed a root channel. And I've got 3 more to go. My teeth are literally rotting. And it hurts.

Please, help me get a root channel for 3 of my teeth.

I need $700 in total, but I'll be grateful for any amount of your good will:

https://boosty.to/sssarrrra

(I've posted more of my drawings here.

You can take a pick if you wish 👀)

The whole story so far:

It took so long to diagnose because my cavities are covered by the old fillings. From the outside they look fine, but once fillings are removed, you can see an aching dark caves.

Three dentists couldn't see a problem, despite my complaints. One of them even called me a “whinny baby” for feeling pain. But I live in a 3rd world country, so any kind of good health care services are super rare.

When I finally found a decent dentist turned out that I needed three root channels. She already started doing one, so for now, I have a temporary filling. And I'm still in a lot of pain.

If you're interested, I can send you any proof I can gather, including receipts and a document from a dentist.

I kinda wish Tooth Fairy could appear and take my teeth and all the pain away 🦷🦷🦷

I wish I could just turn it off.

The nerve pain in the pulp is the worst one I've ever felt.

I need $700 for 3 root channels.

So if you can, please check out this link for my donation page:

boosty.to

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𝗗𝗼𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗲𝘃𝘀𝗸𝘆 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝘀 𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝘁𝘆, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗰𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝘁

Fyodor sees himself as hollow. The only thing that should fullfill him is faith, God, future visions. And yet, his mind, his flesh desires more than this.

Still, Fyodor doesn't see himself as an individual, but rather an instrument for Heaven's will.

Dostoevsky barely has any personal preferences and hides them well. The only consistent drive he is open about is a desire to be around beauty: classical music, delectable food, gorgeous people.

As if being around perfect and good-looking stuff can clench Fyodor's self-disgust.

Every time Dostoevsky is lavished with nice things, he feels like a rat, crawling into a royal palace. He doesn't deserve any of that. Not after everything that happened.

And yet, his little heart can't help but tremble every time someone gifts him an earthly pleasure: good wine, sweet tea, a peaceful atmosphere; people tending to him, surrounding him with all the comfort he needs. Fyodor can get addicted to it easily. But it never lasts.

There is a part deep inside of him that never relaxes, never gives into safety. Maybe, it's the part that ultimately broken or the one that belongs to God. It's restless and unstoppable.

Every time it wakes up, Fyodor's compulsion to save destroy the world takes over. Something triggers Dostoevsky, reminds him of his ability and he is back on his feet, searching for a way to fix everything.

Fyodor can never enjoy a good life for long enough. Every time he does, his drive drags him back into sewers,

where memories of peace

can only haunt him.

𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Nikolai had put so much effort into creating his monstrous façade. All the jesting, laughing, toying with the pain of others. He tried so hard to look like a “monstrous person with nothing inside”. But in the end he didn't want to be remembered as such.

Gogol still wanted to let the world know that he wasn't a monster. During his makeshift penance to Atsushi he tried to humanize himself by telling about the guilt and remorse he felt. Nikolai even confessed to the Agency that he admired the justice they fought for. He said: the light they emitted drawn him in.

Nikolai couldn't allow himself to be viewed as just another criminal. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted to make people care.

For that, Gogol gauged out his soul and presented it to the audience.

He wanted to be seen, even at the very last moment.

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞

Will Kolya be happy to give his body to Fyodor? Not as an act of revenge against morality. But as a present from one friend to another.

Before that, Gogol didn't have anything Fyodor could appreciate. Neither his philosophical jokes nor whimsical emotions ever touched Fyodor in a way he wanted.

But now, Kolya has something Fyodor can grow to like. Nikolai's body with no soul inside. A new vessel ready to go! This is something his dearest friend will enjoy.

Dostoevsky might even thank him for disappearing! Isn't it amazing, indeed? Now Gogol won't have to fear his friend dying and leaving him behind. It's delightful, it makes Kolya want to fly!

𝐃𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 “𝐰𝐡𝐲”: 𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡

Nikolai grins, when he hears: “Why are you doing this?”. Gogol pretends to answer this question with delight, not to show that he's terrified. Of what? Not having the answer to "why". He hates this word so much. It triggers his self-doubt, non-stop questioning of himself, everlasting mistrust of every thought that he has.

Nikolai feels a pit opening up inside his stomach. If they ask him “why”, it means his actions don't make sense. They don't understand the meaning behind his deeds. Maybe, it doesn't exist?

Gogol doesn't know “why” himself. Fyodor Dostoevsky gave him the answer he liked. But was it a real answer to Nikolai's “why?”. The doubt lingers, no matter how much he wishes it would disappear. Why is he like this? Will he feel better when he finds out eventually?