Also, Once He Was At Rock Bottom, He Had To Deal With The Rumors About His Acholism And His Sexuality.

Also, once he was at rock bottom, he had to deal with the rumors about his acholism and his sexuality. (I know he says that he is completely secure with his sexuality, but in a time were you could be arrested for being queer, obviously it would've be soo difficult.) Although he seems like they don't effect him, of course they do. Growing up with people talking about you behind your back will only add to your feeling of worthlessness and probably drove him further into the feeling that no one could ever love him once they knew his secrets. Hence, making his addiction much harder to overcome.

Matthew’s depression: explained

I don’t know why I wanted to do this, maybe because many don’t understand that Matthew’s real problem is not his alcoholism, it’s his depression and this is what takes him to different ways of self destruction. It could have put him into any addiction: drugs, cigarret, etc.

I have also read some comments of people saying that Matthew shouldn’t even feel that way, because “he has it all”. They say the same thing that James says in nothing but shadows “You could have noticed that life is less than ideal for me in this moment. So, stop making everything a tragic show of yourself for nothing” minimizing Matthews problems because he just “has it all”.

So, here is where this begins. I will explain as the psychologist I am, the reasons of Matthew’s depression. Besides, I remind you that the mental diseases have no distention in genre, social class or race. And we don’t know what happens in closed doors of a home that even though seems to be okay, is not okay at all.

Matthew was born in a “gold cradle”. Charlotte had been consul for eight years already when she gave birth to Matthew. The consul, being some king of president or minister, has a salary higher than the one given to the rest of shadowhunters. Even Cordelia says it, that she always sees Matthew with fine and expensive clothing. Maybe it doesn’t seem so important to mention but believe me, it is. As I said before, it is a popular belief that a boy born in a gold cradle would not have anything to complain about, but many times that gold cradle comes with defects: The pressure of the parents of being perfect of even the abandonment because of being so involved in their jobs all the time.

Here we will take this into account.

We know that Henry is a man that is all the time concentrated in his work. We know that his nature es being clueless and we can’t judge him. We can’t judge Charlotte either for being involved in her work as consul, because by being the first women in that position it is possible that she has to work the double.

So, we have our first problem: absent parents

Matthew had to grow up quick. In Cast Long Shadows, we see a little Matthew, only six years old, crying in his mother’s skirts. She asks her little son to go take care of his father. Matthew, being as protective as he is, takes his role seriously.

In Nothing but Shadows, Matthew explains that he always had been looking after his father, and Christopher. He had to grow up quick because he had to be from one way to another looking after his father and being alert that his father could eat well or didn’t caught fire. He went few times to meet with the other kids because he was home taking care of his handicapped father. If it weren’t because the Lightwood lived in Idris, he wouldn’t have met them.

Matthew didn’t live a normal childhood.

Matthew has a very bad perspective of himself. In Cast long Shadows, there were two phrases of Matthew that left me sad. “A pretty face, but not smart like the rest of his family” “You are a waste of space in a vessel, but at least your vessel is fantastic”.

In first place, you can imagine Matthew has an enormous ego, because he apparently does, but we find out, entering in this mind, that is actually the contrary of that.

Let’s see, his mother is the first female consul; his older brother longs to take her place and is very useful for his mother, to the point in which she gives him the position of subdirector in an institute and intern consul in London in her absense. He (Matthew) has a father that is a genius, that invented portals and the radar, and has as a pupil on of Matthew’s best friends.

Matthew is happy but wouldn’t doubt in feeling frustrated for not having anything special like the rest of his family. He doesn’t feel enough to fill in the places that his brother and parents fill. He thinks he is just a kid that likes art, but is not able to do art. (Nothing but shadows).

And then, when everything that happened with Charlotte happens, he thinks that all the doubts about himself are completely true. He is nothing.

We arrive to the most important part: the sin.

Before getting to that, let’s talk about the rumour:

Alastair didn’t create the rumour, it’s true, and like every kid, he repeated it with the intention of hurting Matthew. Yes, Alastair is not guilty of what Matthew did but you have to admit that he was an idiot that did not understand how powerful his words can be.

Many say: Why didn’t Matthew talk with his parents about it or simply didn’t believe Alastair? But, let’s get in context.

1900, a time where the simple fact of a women being alone with a man, could ruin her completely. Do you really think that if Matthew was actually Gideon’s son, his parents would have told him? Matthew himself knows that they would have lied, that is why he buys that potion.

Besides, imagine a boy grow up believing he is a bastard.

Matthew had a lot to doubt: Just like Alastair says, his physical appearance was very different to his parents and very similar to Gideon. Besides, he says it in CLS, that his parents were behaving in a very strange way (Charlotte was distracted, Henry was alert, and Charles was questioning him). And last of all: Gideon was appearing in the mornings to accompany Charlotte.

Cassie said that Charlotte’s pregnancy had been difficult, I guess it was because of her age so they hadn’t told Matthew yet, for him not to be worried (Charlotte had a husband, and older son, and an advisor worried about her already). No one imagined something like this would happen.

At last: Depression many times requires a detonating

The feeling of not being enough, of being a mistake, and over all, of having killed somebody you were going to love, was without a doubt Matthew’s detonating. This was the thing that put him in the bottom, and told him that he was a mistake, that did not serve, that he was a fail.

We know that he was tricked by the fairy (The Land I lost), but he doesn’t know it. In his mind he thinks he was an idiot for not listening to Jem. The thinks that thanks to his insecurities about not being his father’s son, poisoned his mother and killed his sister.

He won’t let Lucie touch him, he himself says he is not enough. He won’t tell anything to James because he is afraid he will judge and abandon him.

He gets into self-destruction by drinking, because it is the only thing that calms him. In some moment he must have had suicide thoughts.

And he holds on on what we could’ve called “lights”. I Have discovered that Matthew has been very attached to James. It is as if he wants to keep him close but also is afraid of hurting him.

Matthew’s depression is totally valid. We see that it is taking form slowly. They are little things that just explote in a moment and put us into an abiss where it is difficult to come out.

Translation by: @manuaristythgtmi

Art by: Cassandra Jean

@cassandraclare

I just had a thought.

If Holland Roden married Tom Holland and took his last name, she would be called Holland Holland 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Okay-

This is the weirdest thought ever and now I can't get it out of my head. After that If they had a movie together it would be-

"____ comes out in theaters 9 September, starring Tom Holland and Holland Holland."

This blog 100% supports dark skinned women.

autistic traits that were ignored simply because I’m a girl:

very obvious special interests in things like animals or hair were ignored as normal girl interests

noise sensitivity was me being an uptight bitch

meltdowns extending into teenage years were seen as typical for dramatic teenage girls

love of colorful, sparkly, visually-stimulating things?? GIRL

vestibular stimming only landed me in cheerleading and gymnastics

severe social anxiety = shy girl!!!

always saying “what”? can’t be her ears bc she has great hearing, must just be another ditzy blonde girl

only eats specific foods/plain food? girls are sooo picky

self-harming? red flag but still typical of girls who are “looking for attention”

awkward laughing at everything because I don’t know what to FUCKING SAY?? giggly girl, very normal and cute (not)

doesn’t go out a lot? the perfect daughter!

not to mention all of the symptoms that WEREN’T obvious because I worked so hard to hide them.

pls educate girls on autism so they don’t spend their formative years wondering why they feel so different.

Gay

@anyone

one word to describe yourself . tag your mutuals too

one word to describe you in my mind would be CHAOS

i have no perception of myself. i'm a ball of anxiety so let's just go with chaos

@jurdan-my-beloved @iambecomeyourvillain @sankt-nazyalensky @wafflesandschemingfaces @adams-left-hand @warmachinerox-with-an-x-all-caps

What happens once you kill yourself? Because I'm ready to go.

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

but you killed everyone else around you too.