When I Opened Up About

When I opened up about

my depression, my ex boyfriend

told me to get an exorcism

Yeah, if I remember it now

I can only laugh

and at the same time,

feel aghast at the ignorance

not just of my ex boyfriend

but of everyone else

who could not stop

the stigma that if you're

depressed, it's probably

because

you don't pray enough

that's why your mind

is so messed up like

paint splatters

Here's the thing, I pray

more than I should

kneel, hands clasped

tightly together as though

my whole life depends on

how firm my fingers could hold

on to one another, lips trembling,

trying to mumble pleas of guidance

to the Almighty, over and over

until I am certain that I am heard

Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt

His divine providence, but just as my anxiety

makes me go back to make

sure I left the door locked, I pray

five times a day to be sure my cries

reach the heavens

I pray harder than anyone I've ever

come across because I don't

wanna lose any chance to be cured

But then the demons still loom

inside my head, they managed

to make it their kingdom

You know one time, I was talking

to a dear friend and he told me,

"it's all in the mind"

My whole being sighed as I tried

to break free from the clutches,

the hands pushing my head deep

into the water, it's all in the mind,

my emotions aren't real

and if I could just snap out of it

then everything would be smooth

sailing, I am just sad

but my mind tends to intensify

that sadness, I overthink every

single thing even the ones I can't

control, and most often than not,

the sinking feeling leads me

to the decision that I am worthless

Grab a razor, a pin, a pair of scissors

anything sharp enough to cut

through my flesh so I could

bleed the negativities out

It's all in the mind, I try to

incorporate it in my mantra

However, just like the prayers

I say five time a day,

it does not work its magic trick on me

They told me I am merely an attention seeker

I am young and always in need of validation

That I always magnify my emotions

to their extremities

So I pull the sleeve of my cardigan

to cover the razor cuts, put on

a smile, okay I look dreadfully fine

The teacher calls me out, "sweetie

isn't it a little hot to be wearing

a cardigan?"

I tell her I am feverish as I feel

sweat dripping at my back

She'll leave me alone

like all of those who are

scared to meet me in the eye

but ended up judging me

I hear too many whispers

behind me, I say I don't mind

but I do, who wouldn't?

I just wish I could run

somewhere or could

disappear before the

stories catch up with me

My mother said I should ignore

people's opinion

for they don't define me, I do

But mama, the words crawl

on my bedroom wall, their

venom stain the pictures hanging,

the curtain, the floor

The noise becomes louder

drowning my heatbeat,

I put a hand over my chest,

It's time to pray again

I pray, pray harder than I used to

Beseech the heavens

to calm the waves devouring me

I repeat the mantra, seventy-seven times

It's all in the mind but the agony

is the realest I've ever felt in this life

I pull my cardigan, I can't bear to see

the cuts this time

I've been addicted long enough

to the sticky blood gushing

It's useless, for the real wound

is invisible

It's invisible

yet mighty enough to shrink

me into an insignificant mess

They all advised me to open up

so I can breathe

But, when I opened up about

my depression, my ex boyfriend

told me to get an exorcism

I am glad I didn't

-when i wore a cardigan at the height of summer, katie

image: https://id.pinterest.com/pin/730849845781054640/

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I was never a halcyon sea

but you calmed my waves

with songs

I've never heard before.

-katie,13:10

You don't know

What it's like

To stare

At the walls

For hours

And hours

Figuring out

How the clock

Ticks so loud

Screaming

A hollow sound

Dead, hollow sound

Ringing all over

Your deafness

Making you shiver

Despite your numbness

You don't know

What it's like

To hold yourself

Together because

Breaking down

Is like a drug

Tempting,

A little consoling

But destructive

So you lie there

Trying hard not to feel

Shutting the faint sound

Of blood running

In your veins

Trying hard not

To go insane

You don't know

What it's like

So stop repeating

Words I've heard

Before

For a million times

"You're gonna be fine!"

Maybe I would be

But not today

Definitely not today

-katie, 20:15

Image: Pinterest

as long as we do not die,

darling there'll be words

to stain blank sheets of paper

piled on your empty desk waiting

to be reunited with your pen,

there'll be stories about the night

we sat at the porch reminiscing

how we used to be good friends,

ah, cool, old days, we could not stop

talking as though the world is going

to end the next morning, you told me

how much you wished to wrap

your arms around me that afternoon I

was feeling under the weather,

there'll be tales to be told,

songs to be hummed,

poems to be recited,

darling, there'll be ample of words

to be written, so i'll let you fall

deeper into silence and revel

in the pangs if it soothes you

as long as we do not die,

there'll be stars twinkling

above us as we lean

for that last kiss.

-katie,

18th April 2021, 15:36

You are neither a battle nor a war I have to win every passing day.

You are my refuge.

You are my home.

(you are everything that makes me want to survive)

............

Hindi ka isang laban na kailangan kong harapin at ipanalo sa bawat araw.

Ikaw ang kanlungan,

ang nag-iisang tahanan.

(ikaw ang bawat dahilan kung bakit nagsusumikap mabuhay)

-katie, 20:27

a woman is criminalized

should she decide to

terminate a pregnancy

while a man can back out anytime

such is the reality

i am forced to live by

and so is jessica

and katrina

and amanda

and gabrielle

and thousands of others

in gritted teeth,

i try to swallow back

the bile rising from my throat

i feel nauseated

just thinking about that

night at the parking lot

where my jeans were torn

ferociously from my body

i tremble from the warm

puff of wind blowing

my nape

my boyfriend just learned

the truth this morning

when i threw up

all over the kitchen floor

he was aghast

i tried to reason out

he didn't use protection

because he expected me

to be the one responsible for it

it's a sad world,

gina could only weep now

a sad world for women

but therese tried to play it cool

though the pregnancy test

that screams positive in her face

shatters her composure

she never wanted this

haunting reality

but her neighbor had forced

himself on her one drunken night

an episode she's trying to drown

in a deadly shot of alcohol

it's a cruel world

but rachel is carrying her seventh child

seventh child!

as though the six she bore

aren't too many

rita had her second child today

via c-section

a procedure she could barely afford

but her labor seemed longer

than the death march

she was not able to bear down

so a cut suddenly became

a logical procedure

it's a cruel world

and dana knew it

the moment she was judged

for not wanting children

thus having her tubes tied

at twenty five

it's a cruel world

for maria

for delia

for claudine

for martha

and thousands

of other women

who have to live with

society's standards

of right and wrong

a woman is criminalized

should she decide to

terminate a pregnancy

while a man can back out anytime

i close my eyes

as i listen to people

with no uterus

decide on my future

-katie

Image: https://wallpaperaccess.com/download/sad-woman-1940837