I Hate You.

I hate you.

When I think about the finale, I thought I was completely pissed because of how you ended Dean Winchester. And that's true. But you know what? There's something else, and it took me weeks to understand... For the first time in my life, I feel hate.

I hate you.

You wrote Dean Winchester clearly visible and deliberately bisexual.

I hate you.

The indications are endless.

I hate you.

You made it the greatest lovestory ever told and I mean that. The scarred, broken, heavily abused, suicidal, righteous man who thought he never deserved anything - and the fallen angel who lived for aeons of years, who rebelled and grew outside of god's control because of falling in love.

I hate you.

You deliberately built it this way.

I hate you.

Castiel was the only real thing in Dean's life. The ONLY. real. thing. in Dean's life! The bond they had... The feelings both felt. Those emotions were the only ones that were real! Do you even understand?! When Castiel died the last time, Dean lost his will to live!

I hate you.

The ONLY thing that EVER grew outside of god's control in millions of years! It couldn't be controlled by the man who built every single universe!

I hate you.

Castiel was fundamental to Dean for finally freeing himself. Castiel made Dean breaking free of the structure that had controlled and corrupted him his entire life! Castiel made Dean breaking free from his abusive, traumatizing cage.

I hate you.

I can't put in words how much I hate you for what you did in this last two episodes.

I hate you.

OBSESSED with the fact that Dean hasn’t had a love interest (if you even classify Amara as a love interest - which I don’t) since season 11. 4 seasons ago. they completely gave up on trying to pair Dean off with a woman the way they even stopped bothering to keep up the womanizing playboy persona. 

when was the last time time Dean canonically slept with a woman that we were made aware of. season 13? in a way that’s insubstantial at best, given he was passed out fully clothed on the ground with a bra pointedly around his neck and no one else in sight, in the same room as Sam? after Sam confronts him that he’s not coping while grieving Cas and Dean insists he’ll be fine? the same episode where we learn that he wants to die? knowing what we do about Dean, how much of his existence is performance and how much he has in the past tried to maintain that persona of a man for Sam to the point that Sam’s been genuinely surprised when the facades cracked? almost like Dean put on a very over the top pointed performance to make Sam believe he was “back to normal”? 

arguably he flirted with Mandy the waitress in season 12, though of course, he was trying to win her for Cas in another one of his intricate rituals as a way to have a tangential connection to Cas’ relationship with sex, to be involved somehow. and he told her that Cas is “devastatingly handsome.” 

just absolutely fascinated with how in one of the season 15 interviews, Jensen in his response to the question if there would be new romantic relationships for Sam and Dean, that for Dean the exploration was going to be on the relationships he’s already forged, characters you already know. and that he wished they had more time to explore those avenues with Dean but that Sam was going to be “handling the reins in that department.” 

utterly intrigued that Misha interrupted the interview segment to bring Jensen a beer in an odd little bit that seemed to have no real purpose right after Jensen mentioned that Dean’s relationships would be centered around characters we knew that would be coming back and his name was brought up specifically. 

captivated by Mark Sheppard saying we (being those who worked on the show) all knew that Cas was in love with Dean. 

intrigued by Emily Swallow making a video in character as Amara addressing Cas and their shared “feelings” for Dean before 15x18 even dropped.

riveted by former writer Eric Charmelo liking destiel kissing art on twitter with the hashtag “they silenced them”

transfixed by Misha liking “you’re not crazy” a tweet from two thousand and fucking thirteen the night 15x18 dropped and revealing he’s been playing Cas as in love with Dean deliberately for years and can’t remember when he begun, and that he’d hoped it would be addressed in the show one day.

mesmerized by the love confession being one of the first scenes written at the beginning of writing season 15, written by one Bobo Berens.

enthralled by DJ Qualls saying that there’s subtext between Dean and another character (that’s not Garth) but that he wasn’t gonna get into that!! 

almost like there’s another character who’s been Dean’s true love interest throughout the show. for years. 

I would love to see Kripkes email, but I just don’t understand it either.

Jensen is not okay with the ending and never was!

I think about his words at the end of 2019 a lot, so I just had to look at it more precisely and go through his words and his body language step by step and oh boy, his body language is screaming!

So the question is

(…) “Are you pleased with the way it’s gonna end?”

Jensen immediatly says:

“Oh, you had to threw that one, don’t you…”

knowing that it’s his weak spot. He adjusts himself and changes, from this moment on he’s very serious.

“I’ve talked about this a little bit before, some of you may have heard this. We went and sat down in the writers room over the summer and umm… and that’s the first time we’ve done that ever in 15 years or 14 years I guess… and they gave us the pitch on what they had thought or what they were planning to do for the end of the show.”

Everything’s fine up to this point, but now Jensen thinks back to that moment and his body language changes drastically. He wasn’t prepared and is thrown back in time.

“Then we… I heard the pitch and I was like… okay… and at first I was… I… I was kind of… uhh… *some seconds of silence with intense eye movement* … I didn’t… I… It just didn’t sit well with me.”

His body language in these seconds is intense. He instantly corrected the “We” to “I”. His seriousness, the eye movement, the silence inbetween, the stuttering.

“I went home, I slept on it, thought about it for a few days, and just… I just was like… *sigh* I just… I don’t… I don’t know. I wasn’t digging it.”

Again stuttering, trying to put the chaos in his head into a sentence. You can clearly see how extremely he struggled for days, maybe weeks. Even if it was months ago, he’s still affected while just thinking and talking about it, he even hasn’t fully digested it until now.

“And… and so I was talking to my wife about it, and she was like “You should call somebody, talk to him about it.” and I was like “Who?! Everybody who’s… you know… who would be… who was there in the room, like they’re all… they’re all on board…”

This is the moment where my heart broke. He was alone. He heard the pitch, he didn’t liked it, he wasn’t digging it, struggled for days, weeks, but is unable to do anything about it because everyone else is fine with it. That must’ve been fucking horrific. 

“So I called him [Eric Kripke] up. And I said: Hey, man. You built this world, these are your characters that you’ve created. This is how we’re gonna wrap it up. I’m having a problem digesting it and I need your take on it.”

I love Jensen for his honesty here. He’s standing on stage, saying openly he’s having a problem with that wrap up, he can’t digest it, he’s not taking it and it affects him that massivly that he has to get help.

“He broke it down in a way that really made sense and he basically reminded me… He was like “You’re too close to it. You got to step back and look at it from an audience perspective (…) and he was right.”

Okay. I need to breathe here, because this makes me really angry in so many ways. First, Kripke broke it down. Well yeah, he broke it down to what he thought the story would be when he created it. This was 15 years ago. 15 years ago it was a story about the two brothers, it started this way. But Kripke left 10 years ago and has clearly no idea what happened in the meantime and how the characters, bonds and arcs evolved. Saying to Jensen he’s “too close to it” is simply an incredible insult. Jensen loves Dean. Jensen is Dean. Jensen is obviously the only one who understood Dean and his life, his story and character/arc development perfectly in it’s complexity and psychological depth. He invested 15 years of his life, heart, soul, tears, blood, sweat and unchallenged talent into Dean. Jensen made deliberate changes and choices to the way he portrayed Dean in order to reflect what Dean had been through and how it changed his character - just to hear after 15 years he’s too close to it? Wow, Kripke. Just wow. I don’t have words that don’t include swearwords.

Again Jensens body language revealed something: He doesn’t believe Kripke. Seconds before Jensen says “…and he was right.” he breaks his eye contact with the audience and looks away. He doesn’t feel that way. He either talks himself into believing and accepting it and isn’t aware of his clear body language or he knows that Kripke never was right and simply forced himself to lie about it. I think it’s the second option. Jensen is not okay with the ending and never was.

And as we all know, he was right.

GETTING INTO IT. WHY THESE SPECIFIC QUOTES OF THE DAY FOR THE 15x18 PRODUCTION WHITEBOARD IF NOT DEANCAS ENDGAME. no more mr nice heller. CW i am going to ROB your ass

dean on his very successful cooking blog: well, fellow parents, there’s a chill in the air, which means it’s that time of year again! school supply shopping time! my husband is going to have a blast at target picking out new folders and notebooks, since our son jack starts first grade in a week! boy does time fly! when i was his age, six years old, i witnessed my father kill a man in front of me for the first time. it damaged my fragile psyche in ways that i can’t unpack even now, as i approach my late forties. if it wasn’t for the help of my husband and family, i’d likely still be picking at the metaphorical scabs of that particular trauma. below you can find my recipe for seasonal squash soup, which, while i only ever had it once with my uncle bobby while growing up, provided a comforting memory to me during those cold september nights spent in cheap motel rooms, as i was mentally preparing myself to shoplift bread for my brother and i so we could eat the next afternoon.