THE GREAT UNFRIENDING #14

THE GREAT UNFRIENDING #14

 Andrew Singer.

For a short while during my years in New York City, I entertained the idea of becoming a comedy writer and performer: I took improv and sketch-writing classes at the Upright Citizens’ Brigade, regularly attended comedy shows, performed stand-up at two open mics where everyone talked over my set and only my friends clapped, and I began meeting and interviewing comedians around the city.

During this time I came into the acquaintance of Andrew Singer, an openly gay comedian who I have never actually met in person.

I found him through a mutual associate and had hopes of parlaying our casual acquaintance into my eventual entry into NYC’s gay comedy sphere. Singer knew lots of other gay comics and people working at LOGO TV, he hosted a weekly LGBT stand-up night.

I had my plan: first, I'd ingratiate myself to up-and-coming gay comics, then I'd publish interviews with them in queer blogs, start hanging out and learning from them while polishing my own work and then gradually emerge as a miniature star in the queer comedy constellation.

This was before I realized the how small the “queer comedy” is in the greater comic stellarsphere, and before I accepted how much solitary, unscripted performances frighten the hell out of me. It was also before my slight mental-breakdown that sent me from NYC back to my home in Dallas.

For more than a year after my return to, I’d see Andrew’s face pop up on my Facebook chat, and I’d ask him which comics I should contact, promising interviews and follow-ups that never came. Our mere conversation kept the spark of that fantasy alight. But over time, it flickered and my dreams of working with Tina Fey and having a show on Comedy Central faded altogether.

‪#‎greatunfriending‬

THE GREAT UNFRIENDING #2

 (2/3/14) Matt Kinard: He was a year behind me at Austin College. Nice fella, jolly, warm. While at school, I joined the liberal Lambda Chis and he joined the conservative Tri-Gam fraternity. These days, I've seen him twice with his toddler son at DR and Jamison's game store, but we've never talked since 2002. Never. Ever.

THE GREAT UNFRIENDING #4

(2/4/14) When I graduated from college, a spazz of a frat brother 3 years below me asked to be my friend on MySpace. I didn't really know him during my time at school, but what little I had observed I didn't particularly like. He was irritatingly sweet, wore pajama pants to every class and meal, and had become a darling among the busty and lusty Kappa girls even though he didn't seem to be fucking any of them. I'd always kept my distance from his voice and drunken antics at parties. And when I received his friend request, I thought, "If I reject him here, on the internet, then that means that not even in theory — not even in the non-existent Antarctic of cyberspace — do I want to be his friend." Deciding that that would be quite shitty of me, I accepted his friend request and then proceeded to ignore much of what he did, as I always had and as I still do to this day. (The deletions resume tomorrow)

Making Your Own Survival Tin

Here are the specific items I recommend placing in your Altoids or similar sized tin:

Ritter Mk5 CRKT Knife (comes with an Altoids size storage tin): Perhaps the most important item in your kit. This excellent little knife can be used for constructing a shelter, hunting, skinning, a ferro rod striker, and for self-defense.

Nano LED Mini-Flashlight: A great little flashlight. LEDs provide more light and consume less power than traditional lights. Can also be used for signaling. 

Emergency Water Bag (1 Quart): Water is critical as you can only live three days without it. Yes, this item takes up a lot of room in your tin, but it provides an effective way to collect water from natural sources like lakes and streams.

Water Purification Pills (4 ea):  Each pill sterilizes 1 liter of water. Remember to wait the required amount of time for the bacteria to be killed. 

Compass, Button Size: Navigational aid for those who are directionally challenged and for those who are in bad weather and/or poor visibility.

Matches, waterproof (6 ea): Fire is absolutely vital in a survival situation. It can keep you warm, cook your food, sterilize your drinking water, and can be used as another source for light at night. Having a fire is also good for morale and if you’re in a survival situation, that can be pretty important.

Match Striker: Needed to light your matches.  

Cotton Tinder (3 ea): A great fire starting aid. 

Spark-Lite Firestarter (Orange): Another great source for starting fires. Can start 1,000 fires.

Vargo Titanium Whistle:  A durable signaling device to call for help. 

P-38/51 Can Opener: Can also be used as a small cutting tool, ferro rod striker, or flat-bladed screw driver. 

Tin Foil: Can be used in cooking, for signaling, for collecting water, or as a drinking cup.

Duct Tape: A multipurpose gem and a MacGyver favorite. Duct tape can be used for repairs, restraining, affixing, and attaching. It’s use is limited only by your imagination.

Fishing Kit: Small assortment of hooks and sinkers. You gotta eat and being able to fish may help with the boredom, too.

Fishing Line, 20ft (bobbin): Can be used not only for fishing, but also for clothing repairs, and for stitching up deep cuts.  

Alcohol Wipes (1 ea): For cleaning wounds and as a fire starting aid. 

Band Aid (1 ea): For cuts, abrasions, and blisters.

Butterfly sutures (1 ea): For closing up cuts and wounds. 

Needle: For digging out deep splinters and along with a little fishing line can be used to stitch up wounds and repair clothing.  

Benadryl (2 ea): Allergy season can be rough! Also great for allergic reactions to stings. 

Imodium AD (1 ea): For when you get a bad case of the runs from bad food or water. 

Aleve (2 ea): Pain Killer and Relaxer. 

Safety Pin: Perfect for securing items to your clothing, removing deep splinters, and for making temporary repairs to clothing.

Ranger Band: Essentially a giant rubber band cut from an old bicycle inner-tube and used to secure the tin. Can be used as a small tourniquet or as part of a sling-shot. 

THE GREAT UNFRIENDING #5

(2/5/14) Brett Hool: Mr. Hool was like the Great Gatsby of the Columbia Writing Program. He regularly opened his Brooklyn apartment for impromptu gatherings where crowds of grad students (clad in H&M's winter line) held red plastic cups of liberally poured alcohol and talked shit about Faulkner and the latest New York Times Book Review while smoking in shivering huddles on his Greenpoint rooftop; the Manhattan and Atlantic Center skyline glittering in the distance. And like Gatsby, I never actually met him at one of his parties. Sure, I saw him around the writing lab from time to time, but that was it. At the very least, he gave me a place to be close to my friends, which is what I needed at the time.

Sometimes the bad guys deserve to win :)