Words-by-elliott - Elliott's Words

You meet god and she's mostly dead fish. You ask her why and she says most of the world is dead fish, and she's made herself to appeal to the most common denominator, the everyman funnyman comedy show that runs for eleven seasons but with the entire universe in mind. You ask her how much of the dead fish is your fault, she says it's far less than you'd think, in the grand scheme of things. You ask her if you matter at all. If you can do anything. She shrugs her rotting shoulders and says mattering is a made-up concept, like life, but sure, you can matter if you want to, on some scale. She has many scales. She doesn't know what you mean by 'anything', but you can do everything you can. You ask her if it's enough. She says there's no base requirement for deserving to exist. She's smoking a joint and the smoke filtering out of her gills gathers and forms gas giants and red dwarfs. You ask her if there's any hidden secrets of the universe you should know and she says it's not a secret if she tells, plus it's fun to let you figure it out yourself. You ask her if any of your questions were right questions and she says you worry about being right so much it might keep you from fucking around, which is as close to meaning of life as she ever bothered to make. You don't ask but she says she loves your hair, also your whole being, also your planet. She says she figured out what love is yesterday and is trying it out, which explains the ten thousand rainbows and sudden influx in rains of fish. She offers you a drag of her joint and you wake up half past midnight behind a chain restaurant clutching a smoked salmon. The new stars are winking like they're in on some joke and you're sure if you try hard enough you'll remember what it is.

Wage slavery is weird.

Moreover it sucks, obv, but like, why aren't more people talking about this?

Went to work today and the general manager says to all of us, "yall this store is making so much money omg, make sure to give yourselves a pat on the back !!"

And am i the only one who thinks that's strange? Like ma'am this is a grocery store, none of us are ever going to see that much money, why should we care? Why should we be proud of that? It just seems insulting to rub that in the face of wage employees. I would think that they would try and avoid talking about it to keep peoples mind off of the money they would never have, but it's jist the opposite.

When i first started this job they had sat me down to talk. They showed me some jpegs of the CEO, and 2 other people at that corperate level. I'm never going to meet these rich white dudes why are we even doing this? Management then went on to tell me the average gross revenue for the store, as if that matters to me, and management talking about that in a training setting i understood. What i didnt expect was my fellow unsaleried wage workers to be talking to me about it. Talking about how much money the store makes, how smart the CEOs must be to make all that money.

I dissociate though work for a few reasons, but this is always something that pulls me back a bit. Just being reminded, yet again, of how much money some other people have, and how much i dont fucking care.

So this isnt a poem or a song or anything, its a vent i guess.

If you think its ok to ask a stranger anything about their genitalia, or frankly even talk about that in the first place if you dont know them, you are a fucking asshole and a creep.

Im literally at work just trying to eat lunch, and this queer guy, (who i thought seemed sweet), offers me a swedish fish. I say omg thank you thats so kind, and he follows that up with "hey, youre a guy right?"

I say "no im actually transfem", (and its fine that he asked that honestly, we all make misteps and occasionally assume things), to which he replied, "where you born with a penis?"

Ive spoken literally 2 dozen words to this person. Literally the smallest of small talk. He knew i was at work. And when i asked him "dont you think its weird to ask someone about their genitalia" he said, "isnt that the same as asking if you're a guy?"

Suffice to say my appitite is ruined and i walked away after that. I dont know what else to say now. So yea. Fuck that guy, dont do that.

thought about buying a gun today

had a conversation with a trans friend of mine who's thinking about joining the military to escape poverty. not gonna go into detail there but it was heavy conversation and sparked these thoughts.

on the one hand, i'm queer and leftist. i'm scared when i see right wing people hoarding guns. i'd like to have one or more for the peace of mind that if push comes to shove i have something to defend myself with.

however, i know that if i do acquire a firearm, im going to put it in my mouth to see how that feels. not with any bullets or anything. just to feel it, taste it, experience that feeling.

but i know enough about mental health to know what that is. that's a big step in suicidal ideation. what's to stop me from putting a round in the chamber once i get more comfortable? and even if i'm not actively planning how i would kill myself, if i owned a gun, i would know i could. i would know deep down that if i ever wanted too id have a really easy way to do that. and is that even really different from having a plan? i also don't like that i don't know if i would play russian roulette if i purchased a revolver. i'd like to think the answer is no, but if i'm honest with myself, 17% is like, not terrible odds?

i'll be 23 soon. and i've noticed over the past few years my suicidal ideation has progressively grown. when i was in highschool, or maybe even middleschool, i realized nothing really cosmically mattered. i think soon after the idea of dying was scary but it wasn't impossible, and i thought hey it would suck but i'd be dead so it wouldn't really matter to me at that point. i wouldn't ever kill myself, but if i got hit by a bus it wouldn't be a huge deal.

and that's how it stayed really. and i still feel that way, although now that i'm actively transitioning and finding myself, i'm a lot more hesitant when i think rationally about these things. i don't want to die and have my obituary and headstone say [deadname], and what's more, things have just started getting good and i am excited to see where life takes me. despite that though, a few weeks ago i looked at my window differently. i live 5 stories up. would that be high enough? i didn't google for an answer. and i frankly still don't want to know.

objectively, i am the happiest i've ever been. ironically though, i'm also the closest i've ever been to suicide. i've been throwing that thought around my brain for a few months now. it's weird.