Baby Steps - Tumblr Posts
This is exactly why I'm pushing myself to read as much as I can this year. It's giving me an outlet where I can be active and still rest. Keeping up an activity that brings me constant joy has been terribly difficult but reading has helped get out of that lazy/ mopey feeling. I truly hope that others can find a hobby that will bring them joy the way reading has done for me.
I been so depressed not even in the terribly sad and emotional sense but more in the lazy and mopey sense where nothing is fun or interesting and I am so tired I can't force myself to do anything :-|
you do things despite feeling afraid. you get out of bed when your mind aches. you ask for help when you need it and try not to stay inside all day. you try to talk yourself out of bad choices. you search for the good things and beauty that are hard to notice. you tell yourself that things will get better, despite feeling otherwise. you treat yourself gently, even though you’re never far from wanting to return to square one. you try your best despite feeling tired. you’ve come a long way from where you started. you want to heal and you’re getting there. that’s something to be proud of.
Not a fan of the tantalizing inspiration that comes up for an hour or two that is never potent enough to make me actually write, but is around just enough to make me really want to. Smfh
i am loving n powerful n cool and i will get my shit together one day at a time
[ID: Picture of a dude saying to a group of people: "Hi. Shut up. I'm confident now." End ID]
what is it about me sitting in my little corner of the Internet and saying “I actually don’t hate myself as an adult now and I want to be nice to people and that’s my entire thing” that makes these anons start foaming at the mouth
Beginning of Rose Gen // Previous // Next
*slowly puts my arms around him and smiles* How’s this, Sasuke? 4 seconds to go. Would you like a squeeze or a pat, too?
to Izumi:
sorry to do it like this but i didnt see another option.
if you notice your house has been mopped, dusted and reorganized. dishes done. ninja tools cleaned, seasoned, sharpened and polished. mission uniforms patched up and laundered. beds remade.
it may or may not have been me.
i also may or may not have left you a few fruit bento to help you regain your energy:
a few bento to help with your mental recuperation:
and a guilt-free treat to make the days go by easier:
dont worry about repayment. i took my ramen.
--sausage
Oh, Sasuke…
My apartment and ninja tools are spotless, the food looks amazing- Ooh, I think I might dig into those fruit bentos right now! They’re looking delicious!🤤
I appreciate you helping me out so much. I think I might… *tears up* 🥹
Can I please have a hug, Sasuke? Just a small one? *holds my arms out for him and waits for Sasuke’s reaction*
XY’s Muse
Can someone please tell me why my posts aren’t showing up in the tags?
uploaded on 02/22/21
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Ao3 // Wattpad
previous II next
Chapter 7
Chloe Bourgeois was not a good person.
Everybody knew that.
People believed that she was nothing but a spoiled brat.
And in a way, Chloe knew that they were right.
Her dad was the mayor. She grew up surrounded by the most influential people and she watched as her dad manipulated everyone to get what he wanted.
She grew up believing it was normal.
So as the years passed and her parents began to drift apart from her, Chloe did what her dad did best.
Chloe began to manipulate everyone around her.
She made Paris believe that she was nothing but a spoiled brat who had her daddy wrapped around her pinky finger.
It was too easy.
No one questioned her attitude.
After all, Paris only saw a basic white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.
It made Chloe want to scream. She wanted a challenge.
She hated how people immediately did what she wanted them to do just because she threatened to call her dad.
Do they even know that the laws in Paris said that it was illegal?
How could people be so stupid?
It took Chloe several days before she decided to use this to her advantage.
In a matter of weeks, Chloe had everyone in Paris believing that she had no worth. The only thing she was good at was threatening everyone around her, just because she was the mayor’s daughter.
Then, Chloe met Marinette Dupain-Cheng.
Oh, how Chloe loved the tiny pigtailed girl.
Someone who actually made things interesting.
Someone who gave her a challenge.
But as Chloe continued to torment the pigtailed girl, Marinette slowly stopped defending herself.
Chloe didn’t know why.
She thought that the more she made Marinette miserable, the more Marinette would fight back against her.
So why? Why did Marinette just accept the awful things that Chloe did to her?
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Her daddy always told her that the more you push someone towards the edge, the more they’ll push back.
That’s how politics worked!
Marinette was supposed to fight back and then they would slowly become friends.
Chloe and Marinette were supposed to rule Paris together.
Side by side.
The two five year olds were supposed to become sisters in everything but blood.
It took years before Chloe realized what went wrong with her plan.
Marinette didn’t grow up with manipulative people. Chloe did.
Marinette grew up surrounded by people who loved her. Chloe didn’t.
Marinette is a good person. Chloe isn’t.
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Everyone knew that Marinette was a bubbly child.
She was always happy and smiling, even as a baby.
When she finally learned how to talk, she couldn’t stop. She would walk around the bakery asking people if they needed help. Marinette could always put a smile on everyone’s faces.
At least that’s what she believed.
Marinette was excited for her first day of school. She was finally five years old. She could attend école.
She couldn’t wait to make friends.
Her papa even let her take a pack of macarons from the bakery so that she could share them with her class.
Her papa told her that a good way to make friends was to give them food.
And he was right!
Everyone wanted to be Marinette’s friend. Even when she didn’t have food to give them.
They still wanted to get to know her. It was really fun.
Marinette never noticed the blonde girl from the back of the room staring at her with her calculating blue eyes.
As the weeks passed, Marinette began to realize that something was wrong.
It started off small.
But then it began to become more obvious.
Her friends began to ignore her.
But Marinette could tell that they didn’t want to, she could see the fear in their eyes.
But why?
Marinette didn’t think she looked scary. Her mama and papa always told her she was cute.
Marinette’s eyes looked around the room and noticed that a blonde girl was staring at her.
Marinette’s dark blue eyes met the girl’s light ones.
The girl raised an eyebrow at her. As if asking, what do you want?
Marinette looked away and asked the boy next to her, Ryan, if he knew the girl's name.
The dark-skinned boy stared at her with his green eyes as if she was dumb and muttured a quick, “Chloe. Her name is Chloe Bourgeois.”
Marinette felt her eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. Why did that name sound so familiar?
She tapped her pencil against her desk.
Tap.
Tap.
Tap.
Chloe was the mayor’s daughter. Marinette realized, her blue eyes were wide and she turned to look at the blonde again. She’s pretty.
Ryan caught her staring at Chloe. “Don’t talk to her.”
Marinette looked at him with bewilderment. “What? Why?”
“You don’t know?”
“Know what?” Marinette didn’t know anything. She didn’t even know that Chloe was in her class at all. She never noticed the blonde until now!
“She told everyone to stop hanging out with you.” Ryan slowly told her.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t even know her.”
“Well, she doesn’t like you.”
“But why would she not like me if I don’t even know her.”
“I don’t know.” Ryan repeated. “Look. I already took a risk by even talking to you.”
“Wha-”
Ryan interrupted her. “Stop talking to me!”
The whole class stared at them and Marinette felt her cheeks heat up. She heard her teacher’s booming voice ask, “What’s going on there?”
Ryan pointed at her. “She keeps talking to me even though I told her to stop, Ms. Delgado.”
Snitch.
Ms. Delgado’s dark brown eyes glared at the five year old. “Marinette, we are learning right now. You can talk to him during recess.” Her teacher pointed at the problem on the board. “Since you keep talking, I’m guessing that means that you know what we’re doing.”
The pigtailed girl shook her head. “No, I don’t know what we’re learning about.”
“Ma’am.”
Marinette clenched her fists, “No, I don’t know what we’re learning about ma’am.”
“That’s what I thought.” Marinette lowered her eyes so that her teacher couldn’t see them. “As punishment, you will stay here five minutes after I dismiss everyone for recess.” Marinette gulped. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her. “Am I understood?”
Marinette could only whisper a quick, “Yes, ma’am.”
Things only got worse after that.
Marinette didn’t know what happened during the five minutes she missed but no one could even look at her. Whenever she tried to talk to another kid, they would ignore her. Some would even glare at her.
Marinette didn’t know what she did wrong. She wasn’t the first person to get in trouble. So why was everyone only ignoring her and not the other kids that got in trouble too.
It wasn’t fair.
Why didn’t anyone like her anymore?
She didn’t even notice someone approaching her until it was too late.
“What a crybaby.” she heard a girl scoff.
Marinette didn’t even notice that she was crying. She tried to wipe the tears from her face but it was too late. She glanced up and saw the blonde girl glaring at her. “What do you want?” Marinette’s voice was hoarse.
“From you? I want nothing.” The way that Chloe was looking at her made Marinette uncomfortable. “I thought I had competition but looking at you right now, you’re just pathetic. Even more pathetic than the macaroons you brought to school on our first day.” Chloe let out a shrill laugh. “You’re worth nothing.”
As Chloe started to walk away, Marinette found her voice. “I am not pathetic. I’m not the one who made people stop being friends with me because they were jealous.”
Chloe’s icy blue eyes glared at Marinette, “Jealous? Why would I be jealous of you?” Marinette opened her mouth to reply before Chloe cut her off, “Trust me. No one wanted to be friends with you anyways. I just gave them a reason to stop.”
“You’re lying!” Marinette protested. Her tiny body was shaking. “They were my friends. And they wanted to be my friends until you opened your big stupid mouth.”
Chloe walked towards Marinette. Every step forward that Chloe made, Marinette took a step back.
A few seconds later, Marinette felt her back against a wall. She saw Chloe smirk. “Pathetic and stupid.” Chloe taunted. “You really are just a baker’s daughter.” Marinette felt her eyes tearing up and judging by the way Chloe was walking closer towards her, Marinette knew that Chloe noticed.
Marinette waited for Chloe to say something but she didn’t. Instead, Chloe was just staring at her. “You’re wrong.” Marinette spat out. “You’re wrong.”
She saw Chloe smirk before she began to walk away from her. “We’ll see. Marinette. But trust me,” Chloe’s eyes met hers. “It’ll only get worse from here.”
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Chloe knew that she didn’t deserve Marinette’s forgiveness. She made her école years a living hell.
Chloe made sure that no one wanted to be her friend.
And the sad part was that it was too easy.
If they were her actual friends, then they would’ve at least tried to argue against Chloe. But nope. They didn’t even care. They just let it happen.
People would argue that they didn’t know any better. They were just kids, everyone would say, it was their first year of attending school. They didn’t know any better.
It made Chloe want to scoff. Those kids watched as she humiliated Marinette over and over again.
For six years.
Sure, they were probably scared of Chloe because of who her father was. But all Chloe told them was to ignore Marinette. Make sure that she doesn’t have friends.
That’s it.
Of course, the last threat didn’t even matter because Nino befriended her. But at least it gave Marinette a bit of her fire back.
Too bad it was nothing more than a weak flame.
It was so weak that Chloe would’ve blown it out with a swish of her ponytail.
Honestly, Chloe knew that she should’ve stopped tormenting Marinette right after she stopped defending herself.
But it was too late.
The friends that Marinette made during the first few weeks of school loved the fact that they could do anything to Marinette and they wouldn’t get in trouble.
This happened a few years after Chloe made her first threat against Marinette. They were in what, their final year of école.
Chloe made sure that everyone stayed in the same class during their years of école.
Did she regret it?
Yes.
Did it teach Chloe anything?
Yes.
Those six years Chloe spent with the class, she promised herself one thing.
She would never be gullible in making friends.
The people that Marinette once called her friends, made her final year a living hell.
They treated her worse than Chloe ever did.
Way worse.
All Chloe did was torment Marinette verbally.
She never pretended to be someone’s friend only to stab them in the back.
Chloe had standards.
Plus, Chloe never meant for things to go that far.
So when Marinette wasn’t in the classroom, Chloe did what she knew best.
Manipulate the people around her.
Chloe didn’t know if Marinette noticed the difference in the class dynamic, but it was the least she could do.
In the next year, Chloe would never see the imbeciles around her again. It would only be Chloe, Marinette, and Nino who would be attending Francois Dupont.
Chloe would have a fresh start. Then she would slowly begin to redeem herself. And she would apologize to Marinette.
So, as Chloe sat on the edge of her bed, her phone in her hand. She finally liked the picture that she’s been staring at for the past few minutes.
After all, it was the least she could do.
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note: i don’t know why i wrote this. It definitely wasn’t what i expected to write but my mind wanted to write it so I did. Does this chapter make sense though? I honestly have no idea. I just wanted Chloe’s walk towards redemption to start. Sorry for the late chapter though. I had a very off week. Freshman year of highschool sure is fun!
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1,968 words
XY’s Muse
Can someone please tell me why my posts aren’t showing up in the tags?
uploaded on 02/22/21
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ao3 // Wattpad
previous II next
Chapter 7
Chloe Bourgeois was not a good person.
Everybody knew that.
People believed that she was nothing but a spoiled brat.
And in a way, Chloe knew that they were right.
Her dad was the mayor. She grew up surrounded by the most influential people and she watched as her dad manipulated everyone to get what he wanted.
She grew up believing it was normal.
So as the years passed and her parents began to drift apart from her, Chloe did what her dad did best.
Chloe began to manipulate everyone around her.
She made Paris believe that she was nothing but a spoiled brat who had her daddy wrapped around her pinky finger.
It was too easy.
No one questioned her attitude.
After all, Paris only saw a basic white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.
It made Chloe want to scream. She wanted a challenge.
She hated how people immediately did what she wanted them to do just because she threatened to call her dad.
Do they even know that the laws in Paris said that it was illegal?
How could people be so stupid?
It took Chloe several days before she decided to use this to her advantage.
In a matter of weeks, Chloe had everyone in Paris believing that she had no worth. The only thing she was good at was threatening everyone around her, just because she was the mayor’s daughter.
Then, Chloe met Marinette Dupain-Cheng.
Oh, how Chloe loved the tiny pigtailed girl.
Someone who actually made things interesting.
Someone who gave her a challenge.
But as Chloe continued to torment the pigtailed girl, Marinette slowly stopped defending herself.
Chloe didn’t know why.
She thought that the more she made Marinette miserable, the more Marinette would fight back against her.
So why? Why did Marinette just accept the awful things that Chloe did to her?
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Her daddy always told her that the more you push someone towards the edge, the more they’ll push back.
That’s how politics worked!
Marinette was supposed to fight back and then they would slowly become friends.
Chloe and Marinette were supposed to rule Paris together.
Side by side.
The two five year olds were supposed to become sisters in everything but blood.
It took years before Chloe realized what went wrong with her plan.
Marinette didn’t grow up with manipulative people. Chloe did.
Marinette grew up surrounded by people who loved her. Chloe didn’t.
Marinette is a good person. Chloe isn’t.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Everyone knew that Marinette was a bubbly child.
She was always happy and smiling, even as a baby.
When she finally learned how to talk, she couldn’t stop. She would walk around the bakery asking people if they needed help. Marinette could always put a smile on everyone’s faces.
At least that’s what she believed.
Marinette was excited for her first day of school. She was finally five years old. She could attend école.
She couldn’t wait to make friends.
Her papa even let her take a pack of macarons from the bakery so that she could share them with her class.
Her papa told her that a good way to make friends was to give them food.
And he was right!
Everyone wanted to be Marinette’s friend. Even when she didn’t have food to give them.
They still wanted to get to know her. It was really fun.
Marinette never noticed the blonde girl from the back of the room staring at her with her calculating blue eyes.
As the weeks passed, Marinette began to realize that something was wrong.
It started off small.
But then it began to become more obvious.
Her friends began to ignore her.
But Marinette could tell that they didn’t want to, she could see the fear in their eyes.
But why?
Marinette didn’t think she looked scary. Her mama and papa always told her she was cute.
Marinette’s eyes looked around the room and noticed that a blonde girl was staring at her.
Marinette’s dark blue eyes met the girl’s light ones.
The girl raised an eyebrow at her. As if asking, what do you want?
Marinette looked away and asked the boy next to her, Ryan, if he knew the girl's name.
The dark-skinned boy stared at her with his green eyes as if she was dumb and muttured a quick, “Chloe. Her name is Chloe Bourgeois.”
Marinette felt her eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. Why did that name sound so familiar?
She tapped her pencil against her desk.
Tap.
Tap.
Tap.
Chloe was the mayor’s daughter. Marinette realized, her blue eyes were wide and she turned to look at the blonde again. She’s pretty.
Ryan caught her staring at Chloe. “Don’t talk to her.”
Marinette looked at him with bewilderment. “What? Why?”
“You don’t know?”
“Know what?” Marinette didn’t know anything. She didn’t even know that Chloe was in her class at all. She never noticed the blonde until now!
“She told everyone to stop hanging out with you.” Ryan slowly told her.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t even know her.”
“Well, she doesn’t like you.”
“But why would she not like me if I don’t even know her.”
“I don’t know.” Ryan repeated. “Look. I already took a risk by even talking to you.”
“Wha-”
Ryan interrupted her. “Stop talking to me!”
The whole class stared at them and Marinette felt her cheeks heat up. She heard her teacher’s booming voice ask, “What’s going on there?”
Ryan pointed at her. “She keeps talking to me even though I told her to stop, Ms. Delgado.”
Snitch.
Ms. Delgado’s dark brown eyes glared at the five year old. “Marinette, we are learning right now. You can talk to him during recess.” Her teacher pointed at the problem on the board. “Since you keep talking, I’m guessing that means that you know what we’re doing.”
The pigtailed girl shook her head. “No, I don’t know what we’re learning about.”
“Ma’am.”
Marinette clenched her fists, “No, I don’t know what we’re learning about ma’am.”
“That’s what I thought.” Marinette lowered her eyes so that her teacher couldn’t see them. “As punishment, you will stay here five minutes after I dismiss everyone for recess.” Marinette gulped. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her. “Am I understood?”
Marinette could only whisper a quick, “Yes, ma’am.”
Things only got worse after that.
Marinette didn’t know what happened during the five minutes she missed but no one could even look at her. Whenever she tried to talk to another kid, they would ignore her. Some would even glare at her.
Marinette didn’t know what she did wrong. She wasn’t the first person to get in trouble. So why was everyone only ignoring her and not the other kids that got in trouble too.
It wasn’t fair.
Why didn’t anyone like her anymore?
She didn’t even notice someone approaching her until it was too late.
“What a crybaby.” she heard a girl scoff.
Marinette didn’t even notice that she was crying. She tried to wipe the tears from her face but it was too late. She glanced up and saw the blonde girl glaring at her. “What do you want?” Marinette’s voice was hoarse.
“From you? I want nothing.” The way that Chloe was looking at her made Marinette uncomfortable. “I thought I had competition but looking at you right now, you’re just pathetic. Even more pathetic than the macaroons you brought to school on our first day.” Chloe let out a shrill laugh. “You’re worth nothing.”
As Chloe started to walk away, Marinette found her voice. “I am not pathetic. I’m not the one who made people stop being friends with me because they were jealous.”
Chloe’s icy blue eyes glared at Marinette, “Jealous? Why would I be jealous of you?” Marinette opened her mouth to reply before Chloe cut her off, “Trust me. No one wanted to be friends with you anyways. I just gave them a reason to stop.”
“You’re lying!” Marinette protested. Her tiny body was shaking. “They were my friends. And they wanted to be my friends until you opened your big stupid mouth.”
Chloe walked towards Marinette. Every step forward that Chloe made, Marinette took a step back.
A few seconds later, Marinette felt her back against a wall. She saw Chloe smirk. “Pathetic and stupid.” Chloe taunted. “You really are just a baker’s daughter.” Marinette felt her eyes tearing up and judging by the way Chloe was walking closer towards her, Marinette knew that Chloe noticed.
Marinette waited for Chloe to say something but she didn’t. Instead, Chloe was just staring at her. “You’re wrong.” Marinette spat out. “You’re wrong.”
She saw Chloe smirk before she began to walk away from her. “We’ll see. Marinette. But trust me,” Chloe’s eyes met hers. “It’ll only get worse from here.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chloe knew that she didn’t deserve Marinette’s forgiveness. She made her école years a living hell.
Chloe made sure that no one wanted to be her friend.
And the sad part was that it was too easy.
If they were her actual friends, then they would’ve at least tried to argue against Chloe. But nope. They didn’t even care. They just let it happen.
People would argue that they didn’t know any better. They were just kids, everyone would say, it was their first year of attending school. They didn’t know any better.
It made Chloe want to scoff. Those kids watched as she humiliated Marinette over and over again.
For six years.
Sure, they were probably scared of Chloe because of who her father was. But all Chloe told them was to ignore Marinette. Make sure that she doesn’t have friends.
That’s it.
Of course, the last threat didn’t even matter because Nino befriended her. But at least it gave Marinette a bit of her fire back.
Too bad it was nothing more than a weak flame.
It was so weak that Chloe would’ve blown it out with a swish of her ponytail.
Honestly, Chloe knew that she should’ve stopped tormenting Marinette right after she stopped defending herself.
But it was too late.
The friends that Marinette made during the first few weeks of school loved the fact that they could do anything to Marinette and they wouldn’t get in trouble.
This happened a few years after Chloe made her first threat against Marinette. They were in what, their final year of école.
Chloe made sure that everyone stayed in the same class during their years of école.
Did she regret it?
Yes.
Did it teach Chloe anything?
Yes.
Those six years Chloe spent with the class, she promised herself one thing.
She would never be gullible in making friends.
The people that Marinette once called her friends, made her final year a living hell.
They treated her worse than Chloe ever did.
Way worse.
All Chloe did was torment Marinette verbally.
She never pretended to be someone’s friend only to stab them in the back.
Chloe had standards.
Plus, Chloe never meant for things to go that far.
So when Marinette wasn’t in the classroom, Chloe did what she knew best.
Manipulate the people around her.
Chloe didn’t know if Marinette noticed the difference in the class dynamic, but it was the least she could do.
In the next year, Chloe would never see the imbeciles around her again. It would only be Chloe, Marinette, and Nino who would be attending Francois Dupont.
Chloe would have a fresh start. Then she would slowly begin to redeem herself. And she would apologize to Marinette.
So, as Chloe sat on the edge of her bed, her phone in her hand. She finally liked the picture that she’s been staring at for the past few minutes.
After all, it was the least she could do.
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note: i don’t know why i wrote this. It definitely wasn’t what i expected to write but my mind wanted to write it so I did. Does this chapter make sense though? I honestly have no idea. I just wanted Chloe’s walk towards redemption to start. Sorry for the late chapter though. I had a very off week. Freshman year of highschool sure is fun!
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1,968 words
45 -
Warning: I got a lot to say (as usual).
I got married!! Again. Hehe, finally had our weekend we booked two years ago. It was absolutely stunning. But it was a lot. Can we normalize not wanting a big wedding or even a wedding at all? Can we normalize wedding anxiety? Can we normalize dreading big events?
Can everyone just understand that I had a difficult childhood so big intense emotions are terrifying for me and I usually use alcohol/drugs to tamp it down so I can still experience them, albeit distantly. Not excusing, just explaining.
Also - hello this shit is expensive! And we had a frugal wedding.
In the sense that, as a bride, I feel like I should be all sparkles in my eyes and over the moon and dancing on a rainbow - but really, it was my nightmare. My ADHD was in overdrive & the whole weekend felt like a blackout. Reading personal intimate vows in front of people? No thank you lol. Having all eyes on me? I’ll pass. Feeling immense pressure to have ONE perfect day? I’d rather crack.
But I did it anyway. I’m glad I did. And I did all the super emotionally intense parts, sober as a priest. Yay!
Some positives: I’m so lucky to have people who will travel just to celebrate with me. My mom made a speech…it was poetic & very sweet. She described me as “radiant, effervescent, and vivacious”. Like?????? :) I love a good vocabulary.
Umm my stepdad made a speech and he was a freaking VIBE. We haven’t always gotten along but he loves my mom fiercely & is so supportive of her. So I can’t really fault the guy, even if sometimes I’m just like *points to head* “wtf is going on up there?”. I also got some quality time with my extended family, whom I rarely see. They flew over two oceans and two continents just to be with me for this day! Like how amazing is that. :)
The whole night looked like something out of a fairytale with a bohemian theme and fairy lights. Turqoiuse waters & perfect white sand. It was dreamy and picturesque and beautiful.
On top of that, I have friends in all places - I’m not really a one group friend. So it’s a little unnerving to have everyone come together (Will they get along? Will there be drama? Will it be awkward? Will I be so focused on everyone else’s experience that I forget to enjoy my own? LOL but really)
But it was so so much better than I could have ever imagined. We all had a blast!
Speaking OF sobriety, yeah we broke that shit. I had my first alcoholic drink in almost 5 months. Now, those of the I bleed AA variety would freak out because yes, I relapsed. And omg haven’t I read the big book that says I can never ever ever have a drink again? What will Bill think? /s
But hear me out: I discussed my choice to drink with my therapist prior to actually doing it. I had a support system and a harm reduction plan in place. And, I’ve been doing a LOT of work in the last few months to identify, forgive, heal myself & limiting beliefs/negative thought patterns. Ya know, the ones that I used alcohol and drugs to cope with. I’m not anywhere close to where I’d like to be but I’m a hell of a lot farther away from who I used to be.
As my therapist put it: “It seems like this is a symbolic decision for you. Kind of like a “fuck you I am in charge of my life & I can make my own decisions and I don’t care what anyone else thinks”. She’s not wrong.
BUT BUT BUT here’s the best part! Yes I drank, however all it did was remind me of how shitty alcohol actually feels. I don’t miss the hangovers one bit. I enjoy feeling semi-stable in my emotional sense. I like feeling clear headed. Also drinking a lot makes you bloated and more susceptible to gaining extra weight. We want to be snatched always!!!!
I am going back to my life with no intention or desire to drink. No desperate wanting to escape. How freaking wild. Now what works for me may not work for anyone else - but again, sobriety & recovery are so unique to everyone. Everyone’s story starts from the same feelings, but recovery is not a one size fits all.
With all of that being said - I feel super good these days. Not in like a manic & overstimulated way, but a sort of quiet peace that comes with feeling like I am really loving myself for all that I have been, all that I am, and all that I will be.
I want to live my life & the idea of all the things I can do is exciting now. I no longer feel (constantly) like I’m drudging through the monotony of life. I know bad days will come. So will good days. Slowly but surely, I am creating new habits that take me further from my past and closer to the light of my future.
I came to the realization that who fucking cares? The world and the people in my life (though with the best of intentions) will tell me who they think I should be. Will tell me how to fit the mold. But I don’t care about fitting the mold anymore. I don’t want to apologize for having needs and existing. I have people who love all the little bits of me and have always loved them, despite my inner critic telling me I have to earn it.
I decide who I am.
I mean, there’s tons of awful fucking people in the world, who are still loved by someone. Like even Hitler had his main squeeze til the final breath. If that’s any consolation lol.
And just from a nerdy math perspective… statistically speaking, there are 8B+ people in the world. If 10 don’t like me or don’t get me, theres 10 more that do!
I trust my inner She to guide me to where I want to be and to attract the people that I need. These days I have faith.
Each day a little better and brighter.
48 -
I’m really proud of myself lately.
have not called in sick to work because of depression - haven’t needed to! It is SO nice to have a job that doesn’t make me die inside a little every day and fill me with dread.
gotten up every morning and taken my dog out
been trying some “biohacking” for my energy levels - Vitamin D, B12, waiting before screen time in the AM, light exposure & cold exposure. Maybe some of it is total bologna but hey, at least I’m problem solving
on that note, feeling motivated to try new things and take care of myself
was sick but I made myself rest & didn’t beat myself up about a “lack of productivity”
haven’t been bingeing on sugar (except last night because it was vday, sue me)
have been drinking water
have NOT been drinking alcohol! yay me, day 11 round 2.
have been going to bed consistently at 10pm
have been able to talk myself out of negative ruminating thoughts
I haven’t been taking my ADHD meds and I have significantly less anxiety. Though I am back to my wee little space cadet ways. But I’ll take the absentmindedness over the constantly worrying or tightness in my chest.
However, still taking my ssri & it really does make a world of difference for me
I have health insurance! And a consistent paycheck!!!
have caught up & made things right with a good friend
am applying to esthetician school!!
can i just say my skin has been GIVING lately. I am feelin’ myself.
it’s not that serious, seriously
also not shopping impulsively - like actually being frugal….me? Ok but yesterday I did find a cute top at aritzia on MEGA sale. Rules are bendy, don’t tell my husand
eating my veggies like the good little rabbit I am
have been getting ready every day
can actually visualize my future/long term goals (well a year out)
actually using my planner again
excited to hit some goals??? WHO AM I
content with who I am & trusting in how I show up
slooowwwly, but surely - releasing expectation of perfection from myself.
slooowwwly, but surely - accepting, forgiving and embracing every part of me
love my human & my dog & my people
2024 is my year or at least I’m determined to make it so because I am tired of being sad and disappointed and depressed and unconfident scared and melancholy and apathetic.
I want a life that brings me joy so this is the year I finally achieve that.
I believe I can! Each day, a little better & brighter :)
69 -
It’s funny how we wait until we feel good, to do the things that make us feel good.
I have so many cute clothes and ideas and projects and adventures I want to try….when I’m no longer depressed.
So they just sit in the back of the closet and I pass them on occasion and I feel sad that I’m stuck in this apathetic rut.
But that’s the thing right? These things - these bring me joy. If I don’t do them, then I wont have the joy. So obviously I have to take care of myself even when I don’t feel my best because THAT’S when it’s MOST important! It carries you through those times.
I mean duh right?
Anything is easy when you feel up to doing it.
So with that in mind, I’ve been trying to step into my fear. Embrace not doing it perfectly. Embrace saying the wrong thing sometimes. Embrace making people mad, because I will. Embrace messing up. Embrace having the same lesson taught over and over to me.
I feel…not good, but not bad?
This weekend I did laundry, cleaned, went on a little walk, took care of my husband, got some pizza and finished my homework! Go me!
We will keep trying to figure this shit out.
"Are you even listening to me?" Jet grumbled.
"Huh? What's that now?"
Jet stared daggers at his partner as he stirred his chopsticks in his cup o' noodles. "I've been trying to tell you about a bounty in this area we should go after. But I can see you're too distracted to be of any use on this mission so I think I'll just handle it myself."
Sighing distractedly, Spike looked away from the playpen and over at his partner. "I can't help it, Jet! He's got her eyes and you know I'm a sucker for those,"
The ex-cop refused to glance in the direction of the baby in the pen. He knew all too well just how adorable baby Lupin was and dammit someone needed to stay focused!
"Why'd Faye leave him out here anyway? What's she up to?" Jet asked suspiciously.
"Uhhh... I mean... I think she said something before she left but she kissed me hard enough to lay me out on the couch," Spike admitted, rubbing the back of his head and trying hard not to blush.
"She's not even on board?! What the hell! What if he gets hungry? What are we supposed to feed him at this age?!" Jet was aghast and suddenly incredibly nervous. Little Lupin was only a few months old and to the best of Jet's knowledge Faye hadn't left the tyke once in all that time. And suddenly she was gone? Who in their right mind would leave Spike in charge?! Unless... She assumed Jet would take command? He gulped. Babies made him uncomfortable. He'd yet to even hold Lupin, truthfully. He was so tiny, so delicate! And Jet's own metal arm made him wary of touching anything so young and fragile.
Spike had turned back to the playpen and the baby stuck on his tummy. He was too young to be able to so much as sit up - in fact he was still learning how to hold his head up - which meant he wasn't able to get up to much trouble at least.
Lupin seemed determined to figure out how to use his arms to keep his face off the mat of the playpen but he wasn't doing a very good job of pushups. It seemed to be occupying all of his attention, except when he'd try to look at Spike and would faceplant, but so far that hadn't upset him to the point of tears.
"Hey, Jet... I gotta use the shitter. You mind keeping an eye on him for a minute? He's not gonna go anywhere..." Without waiting for a reply, Spike vaulted to his feet and disappeared down the hallway.
Jet gaped. Oh no. This was not good. Where was Faye? Where was Ein? Hell, where was Ed even? Being responsible for such a new life was sheer torture! Anxiety stole over him, making a cold sweat break out on his brow. Dammit he knew those two having a baby would lead to more stress than he wanted to deal with!
Lupin had not noticed his father bail on him, but to be fair Jet wasn't even sure if he had been able to see Spike in the first place. Faye had said something about babies not having much ability to see things farther away. It was something that improved quickly but Jet couldn't remember any of the details.
Still, Jet regarded the infant like a ticking time bomb. There was no way to know if or when he might be set off and start squalling for food or companionship or, ugh, a diaper change. Jet enjoyed domestic chores like cooking for the crew and didn't mind making changes due to Faye's dietary needs while pregnant, but he absolutely had not signed up for any diaper duty!
*
"What's he doing?" Faye asked curiously. She was sitting on the edge of the deck, leisurely smoking a joint while petting Ein with her other hand. Spike was nearby peering over Ed's shoulder at the camera feed from the living room being displayed on her computer.
"Staring at Lupin with horror in his eyes," Spike snickered. "Or were you asking about Lupin? He's still trying to keep his face off the ground."
Faye snorted. "You say that as if I haven't seen you tip onto your face with no attempt made at catching yourself. How many times have you busted your nose doing that anyway?"
"Babe, using your arms after you lose consciousness is a skill I'd love to have but it just isn't in the cards." Spike touched his nose absently. "Anyway I don't keep tabs on injuries I've sustained."
"Too many boo-boos, Spike-person wouldn't be able to count that high," Ed teased, grinning wickedly up at the lanky cowboy.
Faye laughed and choked briefly on smoke. "I - *cough cough* - I don't wanna leave him on his own too long. I was just hoping he'd get over his fear or whatever. What grown ass man is so terrified of a baby?!"
"Papa Jet worries about his strength! Big strong man! Doesn't wanna break the baby," Ed informed them with a shrug. "Oooh look! Lupin is making a cranky face. Jet's gonna have to do something soon..."
Faye jumped up and moved to stand by Spike, gripping his right arm with both hands nervously. She shared a thoughtful look with him. "I hope he isn't gonna get mad at us for this. It's for his own good!"
Spike used his left hand to pat her hands on his other arm. "He's certainly thrown those words around at us enough. It'll be fine."
Ein had joined them in their voyeuristic pursuit and all four held their breath as they watched the scene unfold before them on the screen.
Lupin had obviously grown exhausted by his efforts and was gearing up for a breakdown of some sort. His little face was back on the mat and his plump little arms twitched irritably at his side. Jet had gotten to his feet and was standing over the playpen now, glaring in every direction as if that would make anyone else appear to save him.
They could all see when Lupin's little body drew in a deep breath in preparation of unleashing some unholy sound of frustration. Jet noticeably flinched, heaved a huge sigh, and then bent over to reach gingerly into the playpen to retrieve Lupin.
Jet's touch was tentative - just a brush of his metal and real fingers to either side of little Lupin - which made the baby jolt in surprise at the unseen presence at his back. But then he kicked his little legs in what the others all knew was a sign of delight. They couldn't hear anything but no doubt Lupin was gurgling in bliss at human contact.
Closing his eyes momentarily to steel himself for what he was about to do, Jet finally got a secure hold on the baby and carefully extracted him from the infant prison. He held Lupin awkwardly at first with the baby facing away, but then stepped over to the couch to sit down so he could sit the baby on his lap. Little Lupin, for his part, was bouncing now with renewed energy and trying to turn his head to see who was holding him.
Everyone let out a collective breath as Jet managed to adjust the baby so they were soon facing one another. Jet looked thunderstruck. Lupin looked amused. Faye melted against Spike with relief, grateful for his sturdy presence as he rearranged his own limbs to slip behind her and get his arms wrapped around her midriff.
"See, babe? Didn't even take any tears." Spike noted, lowering his face to nuzzle against the silky soft side of her head.
"It was my damn idea in the first place, you lunkhead!" Faye muttered. She put her hands on top of his in front of her stomach. "Well. How long should we let them bond?"
Ed started to cackle. She pointed at the screen. "Judging by the look on both their faces... Someone is stinky and needs a change!"
Faye and Spike both tensed. "Yup, okay, let's not push it any further this time. This was a big enough step for our boys," Faye said. She pried Spike's hands apart. "All you, cowboy."
"What! But you just had a smoke break! I didn't even get to light one yet!"
Faye shrugged. "Not my fault you didn't make the most of your time on deck! Now shoo! Come find me when it's feeding time - I'm gonna hang out here with Ed for a while longer. It's long past time we worked on your aim, young lady!"
"Ooh! Bang bang! Edward is ready! Calm and cool and collected, promise!" Ed was on her feet in a heartbeat. "Guns are in the workroom safe?" Not waiting for an answer, knowing she was right even as she spoke, Ed tore off into the ship with Ein at her heels. The data dog was never interested in being around when the guns started going off.
Spike made a face at Faye and she grabbed his tie to yank him close for a kiss and then grabbed both his shoulders to spin him around before he could start teasing his own hands up her side.
"Better hurry up! You've squandered so much more time and one of them is gonna blow up anytime now if you don't get back there to take care of your fatherly duty!"
Spike went pale and spared a quick look to the computer screen where Jet was looking around helplessly with his face pulled as far from Lupin as he could get while holding the baby on his lap.
"Next time it's your turn!" He shouted as he raced back inside.
Faye smirked. "Next time maybe I can convince Jet he's capable of handling this type of situation on his own..." She mused thoughtfully. If she played her cards right maybe she'd never have to tackle the dirty work herself again!
Pls read the previous post if u are interested in knowing why I am rebooting my art and from where and
Apparently I just don’t have the mental capacity to try and explain this twice lol. In the future there will be no explanation at all. Who cares anyway? I do what I want. So…. Take that.
Yea
HA
I’m clearly on a World of Warcraft kick right now.
I’ve got these cute owlfolk in my shop as stickers right now. And baby Kespur (The snake) is definitely going to be next! I wish the Sethrak were playable… but since they are not, I just had to make a character myself.
https://www.redbubble.com/i/sticker/Owlfolk-Steward-Silver-by-Dracaine/84431890.EJUG5