Gaslighting - Tumblr Posts
woof goues the dog
oinch gose the pig
bwarf goes the ill child.
no one can ever be better at gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss than brown/desi mothers
ignoring the existence of the new tumblr logo by not updating the app
While I'm happy that the word "gaslighting" is more known than it used to be, and that people at large are learning to recognize what it looks like, I feel like we need to be careful not to turn it into something soft and casual we throw around off the cuff without meaning.
Being gaslit is psychological abuse that fucks you up very badly, very slowly, at such a gradual pace that you don't usually know it's happening until it's already re-wired your brain.
If you're unfamiliar with the term, "to gaslight" is to intentionally persuade someone that they cannot trust their own perceptions of reality. It's a destabilizing form of manipulation that leaves you constantly anxious, off-balanced, confused, and dependant on others.
This is done by lying about events that have happened or about things that are happening, invalidating feelings and observations, and either denying, refusing to acknowledge, or deflecting away from hard facts.
As someone who has experienced gaslighting as a form of abuse, this is what I remember from when I didn't know anything was off:
"Oh, I must have forgotten what really happened."
"I'm just not seeing it from their point of view."
"Everyone has their ups and downs. This is normal."
"I guess I wasn't thinking about what I was doing."
"I must have been wrong."
This is what I remember from when I first started realizing something was weird:
"How come every time I'm convinced they did something wrong, they just talk to me a few minutes, and I end up asking for their forgiveness? What has me so convinced I was right in the first moment?"
"I should start writing things down when they happen, so I can go back and check later when I'm confused."
"If every relationship like ours (familial, romantic, platonic) works this way, how come I never hear about it, or read about it, or see it anywhere else?"
Getting out and adjusting to the real world is hard, too, and comes with rapid swings of unfounded guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, and self-deprication that are completely unfounded in reality.
You've been conditioned to believe that you are entirely helpless and unable to think for yourself, possibly "crazy" or otherwise fundamentally impaired, and that there is a singular source of guidance that knows exactly what is right, and all of a sudden that pillar of support has vanished.
The immediate "after" that I recall looks like:
Constant uncertainty. Because nobody is there to tell you what's real and what isn't, you approach every situation thinking at it from all angles. Every question has fifty possible answers and most of them are wrong and you don't know which. If you choose wrong, the world will end.
A sense of helplessness. You feel that nothing you do is correct, and it's easier to make no choices at all- or you make wild, reckless, impulsive choices, because you feel you have nothing to lose.
Memory loss. I don't understand this one, but it's not like memoriescare being erased, but more like... you're so used to treating your memories as dreams or imaginations that you reflexively dismiss anything you recall as fake, and you can't believe anything you recall because you don't think it was real. Your abusers voice is in your head, wiping things away and telling you that you did the wrong thing. And you believe them, because they're the only constant you can rely on.
Missing the abuser, or the abusive dynamic. Because you know now that it wasn't healthy, but at least you knew where you stood. As long as you said the right things and acted the right way, agreed and obeyed and did as they expected, you felt like thevworld made sense. Now you have to figure out which parts of you really are broken, and which parts are working fine in a really weird way, and it's like tuning a piano when you've never played one before.
The long term "after"- for which I can only speak for myself- looks like:
Having to double-check, triple-check, and continue checking hard evidence of an event before responding in an active way.
Consulting with trusted friends to verify that your observations are legitimate and that your perceptions are valid. Following up with them to see if someone is really angry at you, or if you're just projecting anger onto them because it's what makes sense to your old pattern.
Obsessive collection of "evidence"- saving pictures, writing detailed journals, making recordings and video, never deleting emails or old texts, because you still don't quite trust yourself all the way and you're afraid that someone will cause you to doubt yourself again.
Continued self-doubt and being "gullible": I have straight up seen people flip me off to my face in front of witnesses and then immediately tell me, "No, I was just waving", and my first instinct is to believe them. For a few seconds, I *really do* believe them. Your brain is so trained to latch onto what people tell you to believe that its really, really hard to hold onto information that you already have.
Learning to take ownership over your own actions. (I didn't mess up because I'm "crazy", I messed up because I'm a person and people do that.)
Instinctively seeking approval. (Takes a lot of work to remind myself that I don't exit to make people happy, and that some people suck ass, and I can tell them to piss off.)
I don't intend to invalidate anyone currently struggling with this- if you feel that something is wrong, it probably is. That's the thought that got me out. Trust that feeling that something isn't right.
I just want people who don't know what to look for to know what gaslighting *actually* looks and feels like, so they don't just roll their eyes and think, "Oh, that word doesnt apply to me- I'm not some snowflake".
('Cause we all saw what happened with "triggered", right?)
It's wild how abusers will normalize things and use different language to make it sound okay.
"spanking" instead of "hitting" or "beating" unless they're threatening you. Once it's over, you got *spanked" and not "beaten."
I've known for a while that my parents were physically abusive when I was growing up, but I was afraid to call what they did "beating" until recently. I had a conversation with someone I grew up with, and that's what she called it. I was dumbfounded for a second before I stopped and thought about it. Then, I felt validated and heard.
So I don’t know why i’m posting this because maybe 2 people will actually pass it along, but you should read it if the above conversation made you feel uneasy, because it should have. This is an actual conversation I had with a guy I used to work with. Notice how he’s insisting on doing these nice things for me, even when I’ve made it perfectly clear that i’d prefer if he didn’t. He doesn’t want to do those things for me, he wants to do those things to display his generosity and so that I feel like I owe him.Â
Also, the fact that he felt the need to congratulate me for not thinking too highly of valentine’s day was really difficult for me to process. I don’t even know how to explain how condescending that is. Like I should be proud of myself for breaking the feminine mold. Ugh.Â
And then, that “you may have nothing to do with me” bullshit. He’s trying to make me feel guilty for not liking him. He’s being melodramatic to make me feel bad for him, like I’ve done something wrong. This is perhaps the most common form of manipulation and it’s infuriating.Â
Everything i’ve pointed out in this post is just a fraction of some of the common warning signs of an abusive partner that I got right off of a Women’s Shelter’s website. Basically though, if at any point in talking to a guy you feel manipulated or sort of skeevy, don’t be afraid to shut him right down. If you feel weird about it, it’s for a reason. You’re not being overly-picky, and you’re standards are certainly not too high; listen to your instincts, don’t respond! Walk away!
Now, I have no feelings at all for this guy, so it was fairly easy for me to discover all that was wrong with this interaction. But it’s a lot harder to recognize and then accept these behaviors as wrong when you actually like the guy, so do yourself a favor and learn the signs of an abusive parter to give yourself a predisposition that’ll help you detect common manipulations like these.
Early warning signs of an abuser
Gather round kids while I explain this manipulation tactic that men perpetually try to use and why it’s bullshit.
If someone is openly showing interest in you by making disparaging or disappointed comments about your age, they’re trying to put you on the defensive. This guy wants me to try to quell his discomfort, to bring up that I’m only a month shy of 20, etc. - he wants me to try to prove myself to him, that I’m mature and adult enough for a man like him.
His goal is to establish a power imbalance right off the bat. If we were to date, I would constantly be on the defensive, constantly striving to be an equal, constantly trying to prove my “adult” credentials. Anything he says or does or wants from this point on that I object to would just be seen as a strike against my age, proof that he was right and that I’m not mature enough for him. This is how SO MANY men pressure younger individuals (primarily women and girls) into situations and relationships they aren’t comfortable with. If he truly thought I was too young for him, he wouldn’t have messaged me. This is a very calculated move, and it’s fucking gross.
Adult relationships with age gaps are completely fine, but only if all parties view each other as equals. If someone is trying to set you up in a way that ensures that’s never a possibility, run far away.
A lot of pop psychology gets thrown around and since I already have a headache, here's preventing you lot from making it worse.
Love-bombing: A manipulation tactic of increasing affection and grand gestures before or after doing something abusive, specifically to weasel one's way out of consequences.
What it is not: A streak of affection and generosity towards friends/loved ones.
Trauma-bonding: Knowingly traumatizing someone to take advantage of their vulnerable state, to then act like the "hero" or the one who cheers them up.
What it is not: Bonding over similar traumas.
Gaslighting: *Knowingly* convincing someone they cannot trust their own perception of a situation in pursuit of one's own narrative.
What it is not: Misaligned perception of events.
Narcissist: Someone afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a traumagenic cluster B disorder, that struggles with self-obsession, paranoia, craving validity from the public, delusions of grandeur, and social disconnection.
It is not: Your rubbish ex that cheated on you.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
-Xanthe
okay let me try to lay this out because lying and gaslighting are not the same thing at all
lying: i didnt break this vase.
gaslighting: i didnt break this vase, you broke the vase. you don’t remember breaking the vase because you’re so stupid and forgetful. i told you, you’re so you’re so clumsy, why would you go near it? i told you not you! you need to listen to me more, i’m the only person that you can trust.
is that person actually gaslighting you or are they explaining their point of view? people love to toss that word around, but don't actually know what it means, and that has caused traumatic experiences for me personally. it has resulted in me being wary of explaining my point of view in arguments lest I be accused of 'gaslighting' the person, because that's precisely what I had to experience from an ex 'friend'. I have been left in a state where even the beginning sentence of this post makes me worry that I'll get labeled a gaslighter again. and, honestly, the person's behavior was more 'gaslight-y' than my own, but since I don't know their intentions, I am reluctant to just slap that word onto it. Because I actually fucking know what that word means.
Wow
Just wow
You were wrong
It was your own words that were wrong
You repeatedly said those words
And now you break them
For her
You wouldn't accept defeat
Because it was me
Me who defeated you at your own game
Yet I'm the one who is getting yelled at...
I'm the one who is getting betrayed over and over again...
And now I'm the one questioning myself...
What a funny situation we're in...
...
You didn't even say sorry....
Wow
Just wow
You were wrong
It was your own words that were wrong
You repeatedly said those words
And now you break them
For her
You wouldn't accept defeat
Because it was me
Me who defeated you at your own game
Yet I'm the one who is getting yelled at...
I'm the one who is getting betrayed over and over again...
And now I'm the one questioning myself...
What a funny situation we're in...
...
You didn't even say sorry....
Wow
Just wow
You were wrong
It was your own words that were wrong
You repeatedly said those words
And now you break them
For her
You wouldn't accept defeat
Because it was me
Me who defeated you at your own game
Yet I'm the one who is getting yelled at...
I'm the one who is getting betrayed over and over again...
And now I'm the one questioning myself...
What a funny situation we're in...
...
You didn't even say sorry....
A lot of pop psychology gets thrown around and since I already have a headache, here's preventing you lot from making it worse.
Love-bombing: A manipulation tactic of increasing affection and grand gestures before or after doing something abusive, specifically to weasel one's way out of consequences.
What it is not: A streak of affection and generosity towards friends/loved ones.
Trauma-bonding: Knowingly traumatizing someone to take advantage of their vulnerable state, to then act like the "hero" or the one who cheers them up.
What it is not: Bonding over similar traumas.
Gaslighting: *Knowingly* convincing someone they cannot trust their own perception of a situation in pursuit of one's own narrative.
What it is not: Misaligned perception of events.
Narcissist: Someone afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a traumagenic cluster B disorder, that struggles with self-obsession, paranoia, craving validity from the public, delusions of grandeur, and social disconnection.
It is not: Your rubbish ex that cheated on you.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
-Xanthe
I know I'll never be good enough. The only real use I have is to be a fake ass to make others feel better about themselves. When I'm being myself, no one can stand it. If you don't like me, then tell me. Don't just fucking string me along, yell at me, and spread lies. At least when I die, I can say I was honest.
A lot of pop psychology gets thrown around and since I already have a headache, here's preventing you lot from making it worse.
Love-bombing: A manipulation tactic of increasing affection and grand gestures before or after doing something abusive, specifically to weasel one's way out of consequences.
What it is not: A streak of affection and generosity towards friends/loved ones.
Trauma-bonding: Knowingly traumatizing someone to take advantage of their vulnerable state, to then act like the "hero" or the one who cheers them up.
What it is not: Bonding over similar traumas.
Gaslighting: *Knowingly* convincing someone they cannot trust their own perception of a situation in pursuit of one's own narrative.
What it is not: Misaligned perception of events.
Narcissist: Someone afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a traumagenic cluster B disorder, that struggles with self-obsession, paranoia, craving validity from the public, delusions of grandeur, and social disconnection.
It is not: Your rubbish ex that cheated on you.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
-Xanthe