Stories - Tumblr Posts
Happily Ever After - Adam Stanheight X Reader
It was your favorite month. The temperature was perfect, and the trees were beautiful. The sky was exactly the way you wanted, as you marched down the sidewalk. Your favorite shoes skidded across the pavement gently, barely making a sound. You stumbled along, a cool wind blowing at your clothes.
You had left your apartment not long ago to find Adam Stanheight, your boyfriend. He lived across the block from you. Your apartment was in much better shape than his, but considering his current circumstances, the reasons were valid.
Tripping a little bit over your own feet, you came to Adam’s apartment. He had given you a spare key a while back, so you could easily get inside. The only things that disconcerted you were the other people already in the building. They gave you nasty, judgmental, looks. It seemed they didn’t like you being there. This was nothing new, Adam’s neighbors had made it evidently clear that you did not belong here. They hardly let you pass by them without making sharp remarks. Adam was the reason they stopped. Self-consciously, you walked by and up the stairs, to Adam’s room. It was silent all the way there.
When you creaked the door open you were unsatisfied to find the lights turned off, the windows shuttered and Adam’s coat missing from the coat hanger, as well as his shoes missing from their place by the door. You clicked the door closed behind you, and ventured inside hesitantly. “Adam?” Your voice echoed lonely around the entire room. You flicked on the lights.
They buzzed dully, but you didn’t mind. Adam’s camera wasn’t on the coffee table. His ashtray hadn’t been emptied yet today. The smoke scent was strong, but you tried not to think about it.
You checked, halfheartedly, in the bedroom and the bathroom, and - of course - Adam’s dark room. Apparently, he wasn’t home. Where was he?
You had been with Adam for at least three years. You both thought it was best to take things slow for a while, whilst he recovered mentally from Jigsaw’s game. You were proud of him. He had come a long way from where he was before, though sometimes he would still have panic attacks, as was understandable.
Lately though, the two of you had been thinking about moving in together. It was Adam’s idea actually, and you had been surprised when he brought it up. Of course you could understand that his apartment might not be the healthiest place for Adam to be, but it was the only place that had a dark room available. It seemed Adam was ready to leave the trauma of the past behind completely now and start new. You would love to support him through that.
He had asked you to come over today, to maybe help with packing but maybe not; he hadn’t been precise about that. You wandered around for a couple minutes longer, and then figured you had no reason being here, and left.
Standing on the staircase in the wind, you tried to call your boyfriend, but he didn’t pick up his phone. This alarmed you because usually he was quick to answer his calls, especially if it was you calling. You called your best friend. Maybe they would know?
“Hello?”
Yes! You got an answer!
“Hi.”
“Y/N! Oh, W-What do you need?”
You noticed how your friend had stammered.
What the hell?
“Uh…” You said thoughtfully. “I was looking for Adam. Have you seen him?”
“No.” The response was too instantaneous for your liking.
“You haven’t seen him? Do you know where he is?”
Silence on the other end, then, “No.”
“ ‘No’?” You repeated skeptically.
“No,” your bff confirmed.
You frowned. “Well, will you call him for me? He won’t pick up. I tried calling him just now, but I also tried at my apartment.”
“Why don’t you wait? He’ll be back before long. Or are you paranoid that he’s seeing someone else?” There was a suspicious silence and then your friend burst out laughing. “Relax, I’m joking.”
“I am relaxed,” you said matter-of-factly. “You don’t have to tell me that he wouldn’t cheat on me. I know that, you idiot.”
“Awe. Did you hear that? Yeah? I know.”
Your friend was having a conversation with someone else, but you couldn’t hear who it was. You couldn’t hear them at all. “Who are you with?”
“One of the other friends. Now we will have juicy gossip for the group.”
“Right,” you sighed irritably. “Where is Adam? I thought we were going to pack some things so he could move in with me?”
“I don’t know,” your best friend sounded genuine. “Listen, Y/N, I don't know where he went, and I would love to help you but I’m busy right now. I’m sorry. Maybe just wait for him to get back. He’ll answer you when he returns to the apartment.”
“Okay, well, should I start packing up his things, or not?”
“It’s up to you.”
“I’m at his apartment right now.”
“Sure. I mean, he would probably appreciate the help.”
“Really, you’re sure you don’t know where he is?”
Your best friend only said, “I’m sorry, Y/N.” And hung up.
You scowled at the floor in annoyance. That had been uneventful… There was definitely something up with them though. That was some seriously strange behavior.
You gathered up your things once again, and went back inside. This time the hall was empty, no passersby to see you. You were mildly grateful for that.
You started in the living room, examining certain things and contemplating what to do with them. For now, you were just gonna leave everything in its place because you didn’t know how Adam wanted to situate his any of if for moving. You would just consider solutions and strategies and then consult your boyfriend when he got home. Whenever that would be.
Sitting on the couch to get comfortable while you waited, you pushed open the windows. While you tolerated the smoke smell for Adam, this was obnoxious. Why were the windows closed when the scent was so strong? You pushed a window open just as your phone lit up with a message.
You lunged for it, hoping it was Adam. You were disappointed to find that it was just a scam text asking you to click the link to some sketchy porn site. You made a face in disgust. That kind of thing did not hold your interest… Unless of course you were performing with Adam...
You tossed the phone next to you onto the couch, and went back to opening up windows, though your thoughts were now preoccupied about what kind of THINGS you might get up to with Adam, since you were on the subject already…
Unfortunately, you thought reluctantly. Adam isn’t here for me to ‘perform’ anything with.
You spent about fifteen minutes sitting on the couch, trying to figure out packing arrangements. There were already some things put in boxes and sealed away, but mostly everything was piled everywhere. You did notice though, Adam’s camera resting carefully and securely on the breakfast table. It was evident that Adam took more care of his very expensive camera than the rest of his belongings. This did not surprise you.
Absently, you picked it up in your delicate hands, and turned it over a few times. Adam would be panicking if he was here; he got way too anxious if the camera wasn’t in his own hands. But… he was not here… Which - you should have admitted to yourself first, but were too preoccupied with your discovery - this fact did not give you permission to go snooping through his privacy.
Hesitantly, you turned it on. It came on immediately, which only made you realize even more how good this camera was. This was like, top-notch perfect. No wonder it had been so expensive. No wonder Adam took such good care of it. No wonder he preserved it like it was the last one in existence. This was a damn good camera.
It felt cool on your fingers, and the buttons worked perfectly. None of them were sticky, or oversensitive. Just one gentle tap was enough to get the desired reaction.
And not to mention the photos inside. Adam had a talent for photography, that much was already apparent, but these were like… nothing you’d ever seen. They were clear, and straight on. Sometimes they were from angles so that the sun crossed right over the lens.
There were pictures of people, mostly you and sometimes Adam, but there were mostly pictures of the scenery. This must not have been his work camera, though even that one was just as expensive as this one.
Your breath had been taken from you, as you set his camera back on the table. The photos he’d taken of you were… amazing… Well, all his photos were amazing, but you hadn’t thought that you could be highlighted in such an incredible way. You hadn't even looked through all of them because you did feel guilty about prying. Adam would show you when he was ready to show you, and that’s what you were looking forward to.
You went back to the couch and peered out the window. There was traffic on this tiny road? Bizarre. Usually this street was empty. Police lights flashed passed and then the traffic cleared.
Frowning, you considered a fact about today. Today so far had been really, really, strange… You hadn’t found your boyfriend, even after a long time of searching, your bff seemed to be hiding something, and the events of the day were just weird; like for example a police car driving down the quietest street in your town.
For the first time you felt a little off, like you had teleported through another dimension and no one even knew who you were. It was an alarming feeling. You didn’t like it.
You stretched your legs out on the coffee table, wondering if Adam would mind if you turned on the TV. It seemed a little inappropriate to just… be at his house while he wasn’t there, but you were really freaked out, and… watching something to get your mind off it seemed like the best course of action. Or maybe you should just go home? That was a smart idea, right now you were essentially trespassing!
But… Adam would be home any second now, you were sure of it. Just a little longer… Just a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt anyone, and besides Adam wasn’t going to report his girlfriend for trespassing. He would understand.
Where is he? I haven’t seen him all day. I worry about him sometimes, does he know that?
After a moment’s hesitation, you took the TV remote into your hand. It was then that the door was pushed open wide, casting light into the dark room, and revealing a very tense Adam Faulkner Stanheight.
The remote slipped from your fingers dejectedly, hitting the floor with a quiet thud as you were no longer interested in it anymore. Running for your boyfriend, you called his name a couple times, apologizing for the unintended hangout at his place.
Adam smiled at you warmly, as he wrapped his arms around your waist and bent his head down to kiss you. You leaned into it willingly, moaning in surprise.
Adam pulled his head away again, and examined you. There was a gleam of adoration in his eyes. He shivered, and, without even looking away from you, said, “You opened the windows?”
You were flabbergasted. This man didn’t have to look to know you had opened them; he was so… amazing… “Yeah,” you whispered.
Adam raised a hand to your cheek, and held it for a moment, then brushed a strand of hair out of your face. His hand was warm and gentle. You pushed your head into his grasp. It was silent between you for a long time. Neither of you broke eye contact, or pulled away. This moment was perfect; exactly what you both needed.
“Adam?” You asked eventually.
Adam’s gaze flickered down your face for a moment, then back to your eyes. “Hmm?” He seemed so at peace, you didn’t want to bother him with the question.
“Where have you been?”
“ ‘Where have I been’?” Adam wondered aloud. “Well, let’s see…” He trailed off as your best friend walked into the room.
“I’mma watch the action’ah,” they popped their lips at the end.
You spun around to face them. “What are you doing? I thought you were with friends?”
“Adam’s my friend, isn’t he?”
You stared back at your bff, feeling slightly indignant, and jealous. “What the hell!?”
Your friend only nodded to Adam, a smile on their face. “Don’t jump to conclusions, baby.” There was sarcasm in their voice on the last word.
Flustered, you turned back around in a rush, not able to look at your friend anymore. You were sure it wasn’t what you thought it was, but why had they gone off to do something without you? Something wasn’t right about that.
You nearly fainted at what was in front of you.
On one knee, with his hands outstretched, was your boyfriend, looking rather smug with himself. A ring was placed in the middle of a tiny, black, box. “Will you marry me, F/N L/N?” He asked very bluntly.
Your heart seemed to stop beating. Your mind seemed to shut off. You were just… so stunned you were unemotional. All you could do was stare at Adam. “I-I-I-” You stopped talking at once.
The two others in the room were watching you intently, stiffly, apprehensively.
“I,” you found your voice finally. “Don't know what to say!”
Adam looked at you dumbly. “ ‘Yes’? ‘Yes’ would be preferable, please!”
And you realized that, in your current state of bliss, you had indeed forgotten to enlighten your boyfriend on your answer, which to yourself had been obvious - of course! You would spend everything to marry Adam! That’s what love was, right?
“Yes!” You exclaimed guiltily. “I’m so sorry, I was so shocked, you know? ‘Cause I wasn’t even thinking about the question, I was just thinking about the state of affairs, I can’t believe that this is happening right now, you know, I didn’t mean to leave you -” You said in a single breath. You were so busy you didn’t even notice when Adam stood up. In one fell swoop, Adam’s lips were back on yours, silencing you abruptly. You melted into his embrace, bringing your arms up around his neck, pushing into him, giving him all of yourself.
Your heart fluttered, your cheeks were hot, and your lips were tingling. Inside you felt a thousand things at once, but all of them were stemmed by one thing - joy. Adam pulled you closer to him, if that was even possible; you both were already practically standing on top of each other's feet. A couple of gasps and sighs were released but it was nothing that forced you to stop the make-out session. In fact, it only encouraged it more.
Somewhere behind you both, your friend arranged themself on the couch, tucking their feet under their butt, and staring, eyes wide, at the scene in front of them. If there was popcorn, they’d definitely be eating right now.
Adam let his hands trail your body, and you allowed him to feel you. He stopped kissing you to whisper in your ear, “I love you. I’m sorry I ditched you earlier, but… I do love you.”
“(bff’s name) was with you, buying the ring?”
Adam nodded. “Yeah. I didn’t want to get it wrong.”
“You wouldn’t have,” you whispered back, burying your face into his shoulder. “All that would matter was that you got me something beautiful. All gems are gorgeous, I think. Especially if they’re on a ring.”
Adam hadn’t gotten you something large, but you appreciated that, you had room to move your fingers. But it was still a very pretty color. Your favorite gemstone was in the middle, and the ring part was embedded with your birthstone. You couldn’t believe how pretty it looked altogether. “Adam,” you murmured desperately. Adam brushed his fingers through your hair. “I wouldn’t have made it this far without you, Y/N.”
“Don’t say that.”
“No,” Adam insisted. “You convinced me to keep up the photography. You convinced me to get therapy. You convinced me to… try to stop smoking…”
You laughed. “Yeah. The last one has yet to work. I don’t think I did very much convincing.”
“You convinced me to propose,” Adam admitted attentively.
You pulled back, smiling in amusement. “How so?”
“Well, last night, after -” he seemed to remember that there were more than TWO people in the room with you and started again. “What you said last night got me thinking about how much I love you.”
“Adam.” You shook your head dishearteningly. You hadn’t meant to pressure him. “I said ‘we have a unique relationship, I wonder where it will take us,’ not ‘I want you to propose to me tomorrow.’
“I do want this, though,” Adam continued hastily. “I was just nervous before. But what you said last night convinced me that I was ready to take things to a different level with you.”
“Well I’m glad you asked, because I want this, too. And the answer would have always been ‘yes’. And I’m glad that you want this. That’s what’s important.”
“It’s also important what you want,” Adam chimed in.
But I’M not the one with the trauma, you thought to yourself. You wouldn’t bring THAT up right now, but that was the reason why your relationship was moving slowly. You chuckled under your breath. Adam was way too wholesome for you.
“What?” Adam asked. “What did I say?”
You grit your teeth. “Nothing,” you told him firmly. “I’m just happy that you're happy.”
Adam smiled at you, then looked up at the third wheeler on the couch, who was leaning over their legs in utter astonishment. “Was that good?” He questioned.
“That was wonderful,” your friend exclaimed.
“Adam needed a pep talk? Really?”
“No, Adam needed confidence,” your bff retorted, then stretched and stood up lazily. “I think I’ll be leaving now. I don’t think I’m of any service here anymore.”
The couple didn’t object to the previously stated statement, in fact they were in full agreement. You watched your friend exit the apartment, and then close the door behind them. “So did you get any packing done?” Adam wondered hopefully. “You said you were going to.”
“I did some planning. But I wanted to confirm it with you first,” you confessed.
“Oh.” Adam shrugged. “I have no idea how to start! Anything works!”
“Nice!” You said, all your ideas coming to the front of your mind. “Let’s do it tomorrow, yeah? I’m tired. You know I was up late LAST NIGHT.”
Adam scoffed. “Baby, how could I forget LAST NIGHT?”
You walked into the bedroom, with Adam following closely - too closely. You got the sense that tonight and last night were going to be pretty similar. There was one key difference though. Could you guess it?
Of course.
You weren’t going to sleep next to your boyfriend anymore, you were going to sleep next to your fiance.
Now what did you think about that?
Dear Diary #5
On a much lighter note. I have to say that I love myself, even more than I thought I could ever could. I was at work. Rushing to the bathroom because well I have been hydrating like theres no other. Being in the service. I have to say fitness is key and well I have been slacking. And now I'm getting bak on tract. So It have been drinking. A shit ton of water every day. Well, I look too dame good..
I've always been relatively thin! Hungry looking, as I jokingly say now a days. So I'll just SSAYY... with quotations "Thin." Because now! I'm not, but I use to be. At 24 I use to be 150 pounds. Currently I'm close to 260. I find that to be some what of an achievement because I never thought I was going to make it. Make it as in, alive.
I was on Columbia University campus. In the religious hall. Where one of the professors have taken a kindness to me. He began to mentor me. In the beginning stages of him mentoring me. He kept asking me critical thinking questions. At that time, I have never, ever been more annoyed with someone in my entire life.
The question was. "How do you see yourself living in a few years?"
To be honest, I did't know how to answer him. From the age of 16 - 24 I have to say I was literally left. In the wild I go, to figure out life. Drifting back and forth between NJ and New York. Trying to find my footing. Only too later on find a guy I though I could have spent the rest of my life with. Albiet that's a story for another time. My mentor's other question was! "What do you see yourself doing in the next few years?" This question was very challenging for me. Because I had absolutely no clue as how to effetely answer him.
Then he became more and more specific..... After seeing the lack of light in my eyes. He said out loud. "Do you even see yourself living"? Without hesitation I said "No!" When I answered. I was speaking metaphorically and maybe, just maybe, literally. I never thought about the value of my life. Because I was left to wonder the world or city streets of Manhattan.
It's moments like this that I like to reflect on because I am better than I was all those years ago. I have a stronger sense of self worth and a better sense of awareness in myself. And how I'm going to achieve what I'm going to achieve. I'm happier and heavier than I have been in a very long time. I'm no longer hungry and broke. I'ma chunky monkey that's stable. If I could I would love, love, love to say thank you to all the men who took the time to say what they had to say to me. To make me aware of what I was and was not doing. These were amazing and beautiful Black men.
On all of my moments of refection. I have to say that This, that moment was when I woke up. That I had something going on with me. With me Being a follower of Baccus in his non roman form. And quite literally being next to a statue of a Satyr. NO! Dionysus is not a satyr. It would correctly be closer to Pan. But! this statue gave me more of a Dionysus vibe at that time in my life. Quick tangent. I like him because I relate to how beautiful his spoken about in the stories. and how he was loved. How he lived in freedom. To me! How could I not want to be around an energy that gave that level of carelessness. Now a days. I'm a lot more of an Orisha man. But! I do love my Greco-Romans.
I'm not to sure how many people can say they can point out the moment where there life have taken a turn for the better. But to me I believe that that day in those moments. In that hour, of being questioned. I realized there's a lot more to life than existing.
Thank you Tumbler Diary for reading my words and taking my thoughts into your head.
yesterday at the dinner table my sister just menacingly whispered "mentally ill" in my ear and then proceeded to jump out of her chair and start running around the kitchen screaming at the top of her lungs before promptly sitting back down like nothing had happened. I...do not know what to do with her
we have such mild weather where i live that it is exciting when we get anything more enthusiastic than a light rain every once in a while. but my family has traveled to other places and experienced the weather there, which surprises us sometimes. so, when we get any strange weather from abnormally cold temperatures to humidity during pouring rain my sister says,
“it feels like ohio today”
we should go to florida
Watching coraline for the first time in years lets see if its as good as i remember
Today I learned that all the little stories I wrote in high school got deleted because I didn’t save them to my other account, but it’s kind of fine because I don’t actually remember what any of them were. Still, I’m a little disappointed.
currently creating an AMV in my head about characters that will probably never actually be part of the stories I’m writing and therefore wouldn’t have any visuals that I could actually make an AMV out of
I try really hard to make Dungeons & Dragons sound fun to non-players.
“It’s like an interactive campfire story!”
“You get to be the creator and master of your own adventure!”
“There’s normally food!”
“You can literally make up whatever you want!
…Well, within reason. There’s like rules or whatever. Don’t worry about that right now…”
“Big fan of a character or celebrity? Shipping two with all your soul and being? Bribe your DM!”
But, I’m pretty sure all they hear is, “Blah, blah, blah, I’m a friggin nerd, there’s excitement in my voice, and I’m grasping at straws- you should walk away now!”
I was in a groove with writing out some story stuff til AO3 went wrack. Dang it! I was finally starting to work on my original stuff again after a decade! Good luck to y’all dying to know what happens in the fics you’re reading XD
Naomi Shihab Nye, “Red Brocade”
[Text ID: “The Arabs used to say, When a stranger appears at your door, feed him for three days before asking who he is, where he’s come from, where he’s headed. That way, he’ll have strength enough to answer. Or, by then your’ll be such good friends you don’t care.”]
The Woodchipper
[Revised on 5/27/2024]
Clyde arrived at his buddies’ place in the early evening. His truck bed was filled to the brim with liquor bottles.
“Hey, Clyde’s brought the booze!” Donnie shouted from the porch.
“Hell yeah.” Clyde pulled a bottle of vodka from a pile in the passenger seat.
Amadeus peeked out through the screen door. “Wow, what a truck!” He approved.
“Sixteen foot bed!” Clyde said. “Bought it off a sheikh.”
Donnie pulled a wheelbarrow through the front door, and they loaded the liquor into it.
Soon, empty bottles of liquor littered the floor. Amadeus hummed along to the old records Donnie was playing, between gulps of rum.
“You know, guys,” Donnie said, tossing a now empty bottle of brandy onto the ever growing pile, “I’ve got something cool to show you.”
Donnie led them into his backyard.
“Wow!” Clyde said. “That’s the biggest woodchipper I’ve ever seen!”
“Well, it's the biggest I could fit in my backyard.” Donnie smirked, “This thing can shred anything. Wanna give it a try?”
They quickly began running everything they could find through the woodchipper, from neighbor’s garden gnomes, to marble busts, to car wheels, to suitcases full of $100 bills, to pure gold bars. A pile of shredded debris quickly grew to massive proportions in Donnie's backyard.
“What a beast!” Clyde said.
“It even roars.” Amadeus said.
Donnie grinned and rubbed his hands as the Shroud of Turin and an ancient Babylonian tablet slid into the machine’s maw on its conveyor belt.
“You know what would be really rad to put in this?” Amadeus said.
“What’s that?” Donnie asked.
“A baby.”
“Dude.” Clyde said. “You’re right. That would be so cool.”
“Let’s go find one.” Donnie said.
Clementine Blake was a child prodigy. At 7 months old, she could not yet walk or speak, but had written three books that permanently changed the fields of science, math, and politics. Her work helped end 3 famines and eradicate 5 diseases. No one knew her biological parents, but many believed she would be the one to lead the human race to a new golden age.
Betty Blake, her adoptive mother, was taking Clementine on a walk, in a stroller. Clementine was busy writing her next book, glancing up every now and then to look at people who passed. That was when Donnie jumped out of the alley and snatched Clementine out of the stroller. Betty screamed and ran after him, but he quickly jumped into the back of Clyde’s truck, which sped off into the evening.
Ozias Ozbek was in his garage, disassembling a sewing machine with a screwdriver. He was wearing overalls with no shirt. His bare chest glistened with sweat. But that part’s not relevant to the plot. He had reduced the sewing machine to about 200 pieces so far. He wasn’t going to do anything big with it once it was disassembled. He would just organize the small pieces and put them in bins, like he did with everything else. This was his hobby, disassembling things into small pieces, simply for the sake of doing so. By day, he worked as a mechanic, making sure things were put together properly. In his time off, he only wanted to take things apart. He didn’t appreciate others criticizing his choice of hobby. After all, he wasn’t running around at night killing people, so no one should have reason to complain.
As he was searching his toolbox for a smaller screwdriver, he heard his phone ring.
“Ozzy, it’s Betty!” The voice on the other end bawled. “Someone took Clementine!”
“I’ll find her immediately.” Ozias put down the phone.
“If I had a baby...” Ozias thought, “where would I take it?” Ozias turned a screwdriver in his hand, deep in thought. “That’s it! I’d bring it to a woodchipper! That would be the fastest way to break it down into its constituent parts!” He paused.“Come to think of it, I recently repaired a large woodchipper, owned by Donnie Dixon. Maybe he knows something about this.”
Ozias opened his closet. The mask inside stared at him. The suit that hung beneath it had gathered dust. The mask smiled at him. "It's my time, isn't it?"
"Yes." Ozias said. "This night belongs to you now."
Amadeus held the screaming baby in Donnie’s backyard.
“This is gonna be so cool,” Amadeus said, “turn it on.”
Donnie flipped a switch, and the machine started roaring. The sound from the giant machine was nearly deafening. The three of them stood together, watching the glorious machine.
“It sure roars!” Amadeus shouted.
“All right,” Clyde said, “ready to throw it in?”
“You bet.” Amadeus responded. He pulled his arm back like a pitcher about to throw a fastball.
The machine began to shake. Then, a blade came loose from the woodchipper. It flew from the machine and sliced Donnie in half.
“Wow!” Clyde said.
The whole machine then collapsed into pieces. Ozias stepped out from behind the mess, holding a screwdriver and grinning through his mask.
“It’s the Night Disassembler!” Amadeus yelled. “He disassembled the wood chipper!”
Ozias laughed. “And now, I will disassemble you two.”
Amadeus threw the baby into a bush. "Not so fast!" He pulled out an anti-tank rocket launcher. "Don't take another step!"
"Why not?" Ozias grinned and stepped forward.
The weapon in Amadeus's hands fell into pieces.
Amadeus turned and ran.
"Try this on for size!" Clyde pulled a large artillery cannon out from another bush, holding it above his head by the long barrel. "I'll turn you into paste!" Clyde swung it downwards, towards Ozias.
The machine crashed into the ground. But Ozias was already behind Clyde.
"Weapons bore me." Ozias said. "I imagine you'll be more interesting to take apart."
Clyde's clothes burst into individual threads. "Yikes!" Clyde bolted.
Clyde jumped into Donnie's speedboat, as Amadeus started the engine. In just a few moments, they were speeding across the lake, away from Donnie's home.
“Donnie was bragging about this boat earlier!” Amadeus shouted. “It can do 50 knots!”
“He’ll never catch us now.” Clyde said. “Unless he can swim like a seahorse.”
After a few minutes, the two of them caught their breath and began to relax.
“Hey Clyde, check and see if he’s got anything to drink in here. I’m thirsty.”
Clyde found a cooler in the back. As he was about to open it, something caught his eye. A loose screw was rolling around to his left. His eyes followed it to another, and another.
“Oh no.”
Night at Faustina's
It was a dark and stormy night. Basil and Casper where trying to enjoy their vacation, but they had gotten lost in the mountains. The maps of the area were all wrong, which made driving a difficult matter for Basil.
“We should have stopped at that motel hours back.” Casper said.
“It’s too late now,” Basil said, “and I’m not even sure I could make it back there in the dark.”
“Well,” Casper said, “we may just have to sleep in the car tonight, then.”
“Look,” Basil pointed, “that looks like a building!”
The faint shapes of small, lighted windows could be seen over the rocks. Basil brought the car to a stop in front of the building.
“It looks like an old hotel.” Basil said.
“If it wasn’t for the lights,” Casper said, “I would have thought it was abandoned. It’s falling apart.”
The lights were on lobby, but there was no one behind the desk. Basil looked for a bell, and found none.
“Hello?” Casper shouted.
After a moment, they heard the sound of someone descending the stairs. A middle aged woman wearing an apron emerged. “Hello there.” She smiled.
“Is this a hotel?” Casper asked. “We’d like a room for the night.”
“Well,” she responded, “this actually isn’t a hotel. It used to be one, but it’s my home at the moment.”
“Oh,” Basil said, “we’re sorry for intruding. It’s just that the door was unlocked, so—”
“Oh, no,” she said, “don’t worry about it. You’re free to make yourself at home here. I’m always happy to have guests.” She put out her hand for a handshake. “I’m Faustina.”
Basil shook her hand. “I’m Basil.”
Casper did the same. “And I’m Casper.”
Faustina smiled. “Actually, I have an unusual number of guests today, so I’ve been quite busy.” She turned. “Come. I’ll show you a room you can sleep in. Or would you like separate rooms?”
“We’re fine with sharing.” Basil said.
Faustina brought the two to a small, cozy room.
“I’m afraid I lost all the room keys, so you’ll have to keep the room unlocked.”
“How much will you charge us for our stay?” Casper said.
“Oh, you don’t need to pay anything.” Faustina said. “You’re guests.” She paused. “But, if you like, there is something you could do to help me out.”
Casper sighed. Basil asked, “what is it?”
“Well, after you get your bags of course, no rush.” Faustina wiped some sweat from her brow. “But, as I said, I have an awful lot of guests tonight, and I’ve prepared dinner for all of them.” She laughed. “Oh don’t worry, there’s enough for you two, too. I know young men like you need a lot to eat.” Casper rolled his eyes. “Anyways, it’s a lot of work to carry all those big trays up and down the stairs.”
“We’re happy to help.” Basil smiled.
“Thank you.” Faustina smiled back. “Just meet me in the kitchen after you’re done unpacking.” Faustina left.
“There’s always a catch.” Casper said.
The kitchen was filled with trays with plate covers. Basil assumed there were plates with food under the covers.
“On each tray,” Faustina said, “I put a note with a room number on it, so you know which room to take each to.” She tightened her apron. “Thank you very much for your help.” She exited the kitchen.
Casper brushed back his hair and looked at the trays. He was probably trying to find the lightest tray, Basil thought. Basil took a tray with two plates on it, and left the kitchen.
He stopped in the hall to look at the note. It simply read: “666.”
There were no elevators, as far as he could tell. As he ascended the floors, he stopped on the third floor. This was the top floor, and the numbers started at 300. Was this a prank? It was silly of him to go up all these stairs. Obviously, there was no room 666.
As Basil sighed and turned around to head back down, he noticed it out of the corner of his eye. It didn’t even look like a door; it was simply a part of the wall itself, with a narrow, rectangular gap around it. In the middle of it, scrawled in charcoal: 666.
Basil pushed at the right side of the rectangle, and it opened inward, as a door does.
“Who goes there?” A voice came from within.
“I’m just here with your food.” Basil responded.
Basil saw a man sitting inside in a large, cushioned chair. The man stood up quickly. “Please, set it on the table.”
As Basil set it down, he heard the door shut behind him. He saw the man returning from the door to sit down again.
“Are you related to Faustina?” The man asked.
“N-no.” Basil straightened up. “I’m a guest, too. She just wanted help with the food.”
“Ah, a guest.”
“Uh, your room was rather hard to find. I nearly didn’t notice it.”
“Yes, I requested this room, specifically. The walls are shielded from any rays that prying eyes may use to observe me.” He removed the plate cover to look at the food underneath. “That was why I closed the door behind you. I hope I did not surprise you.”
“Oh.”
There was a moment of silence.
“What is your name, young man?”
“Oh, I’m Basil. Me and my—uh—friend, Casper, got lost in the mountains, so we ended up here.”
“I am Archibald Armageddon.” The man said. “I am here because my giant unicycle, which lets me travel the skies, burst one of its power crystals.”
“Giant unicycle?” Basil said. “I didn’t see it parked anywhere when I came in.”
“It is invisible to all, except its makers, the Obliteroids of Orgonth, and to the eyes of evolved humans such as I.” Archibald took a bite of green beans. Basil was speechless. Archibald continued. “I’m waiting here for the Obliteroids to arrive. Their the only ones who are permitted to handle the unicycle power crystals. If I tried to replace them myself, I’d be put to death.” Archibald took the other plate and uncovered it. He then set it on the ground.
“Is that plate for someone else?” Basil asked.
“It’s for my pet, Agony.”
Basil then saw a floating dog collar emerge from behind the bed, and approach the plate.
“As you can see,” Archibald said, “Agony is an invisible hellhound.” The invisible dog began loudly chomping on the food. “Be sure not to get too close to him. He’s covered in mouths that will eat anything that comes near.”
“Well,” Basil said, “I must go get food to the other guests.” He turned to leave.
“Wait.” Archibald said. “Tell me Basil, would you like to become an evolved human, as I am?”
Basil turned to him. “Evolved?” He scratched his head. “Well, evolving does sound exciting, but I’m pretty content as I am. I’m not sure if a dramatic change would be a good idea.”
Archibald nodded. “That is wise thinking, Basil. Too many desire evolution without considering the consequences. It’s not something you can undo.”
Basil returned to the kitchen. Neither Casper, nor Faustina were anywhere to be seen. He picked up another tray. One plate. Labeled “232.” Probably on the second floor, then. OK.
Basil knocked on the door. “Come in.” A woman’s voice came from inside.
“Dinner for you.” Basil entered the room.
Inside was a large woman. Her shoulders were wide, and her head brushed the ceiling as she stood, hunched. Her skin was dark green, covered in orange splotches. Her grin showed long fangs amid her teeth.
“Good, good.” She took the tray from his hands and set it on a table. “Stay and talk for a moment. I’d like to look at your handsome face a bit longer. Sit down.”
Basil sat down in a love seat by the wall. She returned and stood across from him, looking down on him and grinning.
“Uh, I’m Basil.” He said. “I’m a guest here too, but Faustina needed help with the food trays.”
“I know.” She grinned. “When you stood outside the door, I could sense that there was a person outside with a good nature. If my machine had not run out of power, I could have changed your nature to an evil one.” She extended her hand. “I’m Sue.”
Basil shook her hand.
Sue turned to the table. “But I do have a small device right here. It can at least make you a bit irritable for a few minutes.” She pushed a button.
The machine made a bubbling noise, and a green ray shot from it and hit Basil.
“What are you doing?” Basil stood up. He shoved the table over, knocking over the device, and making a mess of Sue’s dinner. “What in the world is wrong with you?!” Basil turned and left. He could hear her giggling behind him.
The guests staying here were all crazy, Basil thought. He and Casper would have been better off sleeping in the car.
Basil returned to the kitchen. No one there. Basil grabbed a tray. Labeled “101.” Ground floor. Good.
Basil knocked on the door loudly. “Dinner for you. Open up.” He said.
A moment later, a middle-aged man came to the door.
“Dinner for me, delivered?” He asked. He took the tray. “Why, that’s very kind. When Faustina said she was making dinner, I didn’t think she’d have it delivered straight to my door too.” He set it on a table. “Come sit down, if you like. You probably need a rest from carrying trays.”
“You’ve got that right.” Basil scowled and sat down across from the man.
“I do feel bad to have made you bring this to me. I was about to go check the kitchen myself, to see if I could help, but I got a bit too involved in my reading.” He motioned to a book on the table.
“I don’t need your excuses.” Basil said.
“You’re right, I’m sorry.”
Basil felt something draining from his body. He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m not usually so rude. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Oh, it’s quite all right. I’m sure you’ve had a long day.”
Basil glanced at the book on the table. It read: “Modern Medical Practice.”
“Medical practice?” Basil asked. “Are you a doctor?”
“Yes.” He responded. “My name is Dr. Despair.”
Basil looked him in the face.
“Yes,” Dr. Despair said, “I guess it is a pretty unusual name around these parts.”
“It sounds like the name of a super villain.”
Dr. Despair laughed. “Well, I think I’m much too mellow to ever turn into a super villain.” He smiled. “Most everyone in my family is pretty well-behaved.”
“The Despair family?” Basil asked.
“Yes.” Dr. Despair took the cover off the plate. “I come from a long line of Dr. Despairs. My father’s name is Dr. Despair, and so is my mother’s. I have a son and daughter, and both of them are named Dr. Despair as well.”
“And are both doctors?” Basil asked.
“Yes, of course.” Despair smiled. “In our family, that’s a given. We’re predisposed towards becoming doctors, so we start very young.”
“How odd.” Basil said. “I thought I would have heard of such a family.”
“We’re not from these parts.”
“Where are you from?”
“That…” Despair leaned forward in his chair, “that’s a bit of a long story, actually. No real short way to put it.”
“Well, I do have more trays to deliver, so I shouldn’t let them get cold.” Basil said. But he didn’t move. He sat there for a moment. “Say, since you’re a doctor…” Basil trailed off.
“Yes?” Despair raised an eyebrow.
“Well, maybe you’d have some explanation, or at least find it interesting…” Basil trailed off again.
There was a pause. “Perhaps.” Despair said.
“Oh. Well there’s this very large green lady in one of the rooms here.” Basil said. “Maybe you’ve seen her. But she’s bigger than anyone I’ve ever seen, and her skin is completely green. Well, except for the orange splotches on her.”
“A big green woman?” Despair leaned forward further. His face got pretty close to Basil’s.
“Yes.” Basil said. “I’ve never seen a person like her. I don’t know if she has a condition or something, or some strange genetics. But maybe you have some insight into that. As a doctor, I mean.”
“Yes.” Despair said. “Yes, that’s very peculiar. Do you know what room she’s in?”
“Her room? Well, I’m not sure if I should really say that. You know, for her privacy and—”
“Yes, yes, you’re right.” Despair said. “She really should have her privacy, of course.” He leaned clapped his hands together and leaned back in his chair. “It was not proper of me to ask.”
“Well, maybe you’ll run into her yourself.” Basil said.
Despair nodded. He was looking away, seemingly deep in thought.
“Well,” Basil stood up, “I really should get those other trays before they get cold.”
Despair stood up. “Oh I’m sorry for keeping you. Would you like any help with that?”
“No, no.” Basil waved his hands. “You should eat your own food before it gets cold. Besides, my—uh—friend Casper is already helping with that.”
Dr. Despair nodded. “Take care of yourself, Basil. Make sure you get some time to rest and relax. And if you’d like to talk more later, I’d be happy to.”
“Thank you.” Basil smiled.
The kitchen was empty again. Basil looked at the trays. There shouldn’t be this many left. Basil summoned the memory of the kitchen, as he first saw it. Counting the 3 trays Basil had taken, only one other tray had been taken. What was Casper doing?
“Casper!” Basil yelled. He heard footsteps coming down stairs. Faustina emerged.
“Faustina,” Basil said, “have you seen Casper?”
“No, I haven’t.” She said.
“Come here.” Basil motioned her to the kitchen. “What room did Casper take his tray to?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since I left the kitchen. And I haven’t had time to go back into it until now.”
Basil looked at the notes on the trays. “I took food to rooms 666, 232, and 101. With the trays that are left, what room is the other missing tray for?”
“Oh…” Faustina looked at the trays and notes for a minute. Then she looked up at Basil. “The room in the Basement. That meal was prepared specially, too.”
“The basement.”
Faustina stepped out of the kitchen and pointed at a door. “Behind that door is a staircase to the basement.”
Just then, Basil heard the sound of a commotion coming from up the stairs.
“Die!” A distorted voice yelled.
Sue came tumbling down the stairs and landed into a small table. The table broke under the impact, causing an ornate lamp to shatter on the ground.
Dr. Despair followed her down, carrying a large sword. As he raised it above his head, ready to split Sue to in two, Sue pulled a device from her pocket.
A ray shot out and struck Dr. Despair.
Sue cackled. “This ray should make you more tame for a few minutes. You could use to mellow out a bit.”
Dr. Despair stopped. Anger vanished from his body, and he slowly let the sword down, by his side.
Sue stood up and laughed again. She took the sword from him. “Try that again, and I’ll have a different ray for you.” She stepped up the staircase, presumably returning to her room.
Basil didn’t know what to make of it. He had no idea the source of the conflict, or what they were fighting over, or what could have made Dr. Despair so enraged. But he didn’t like seeing Despair looking so pathetic.
Casper. Maybe Casper could make sense of it.
The basement was dark and full of cobwebs. Basil found a light switch and flicked it. The room got darker. He flicked it back on. The lights had been so dim, he didn’t even realize they were on. Was there really a guest staying in a room down here? Was Casper really down here? Basil didn’t know where else he could be.
Basil wanted to think that Casper had just gotten into a long conversation with a guest, like Basil had. He wanted to think that, but it wasn’t what he really thought.
“Casper!” Basil called into the dark.
“Basil!” It was Casper’s voice.
“Brob!” A deep voice called from nearby.
A large figure emerged from the darkness. “Brob!” It yelled again.
Basil glanced to his side and saw a pickax leaning on the wall. What was a pickax doing here? Was someone digging tunnels? Basil picked it up.
Brob reached towards Basil. Basil swung the pickax, hitting Brob in the arm.
“Brob!” This cry was pained.
“Basil!” Casper cried out again.
Basil ran around a corner and saw Casper. His leg was chained to a wall. Small books and pencils were littered by his feet. Basil swung and broke the chain.
“Thanks.” Casper said.
“Brob!” Brob appeared from around the corner. Basil swung at him with the pickax. Brob batted it out of Basil’s hand.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Casper shot him.
Brob fell to the ground.
Casper slid the small handgun into his pocket. “He shouldn’t have left it lying around.”
“Are you all right?” Basil asked.
Casper motioned towards books on the floor. “Brob had me doing crosswords for him. He was very adamant about it. He threatened me with the gun, if I didn’t cooperate.”
“Geez.”
“See, there’s always a catch.”
“You already said that.”
“But I’m right.”
And then they kissed passionately.
Faustina greeted them when they emerged from the basement. “Don’t worry about the rest of the trays,” she said, “two young men just came in, and they’re handling the rest.”
“Two young men?” Basil asked.
One of them emerged from the kitchen, carrying a tray. He wore a white shirt and tie, and a name tag that read “Elder Cox.”
“Hi.” Said.
“Bye.” Casper responded.
Just then, there was a loud crash from outside. The whole building shook.
“Oh my!” Faustina gasped.
Archibald Armageddon descended the stairs. He was grinning from ear to ear. “The Obliteroids have arrived.” He rushed outside.
Basil and Casper followed.
Two beings were working on an apparently invisible unicycle. Basil assumed they carried a power crystal, but it was also invisible. To Basil, they looked like mechanical feet, but with many more toes than a normal foot. At their tops were gooey shapes that deformed and changed quickly. Those were probably their main appendages, used like arms, Basil thought.
Dr. Despair came out from the building. He stood by Basil and Casper. “What’s going on out here?” He asked.
“The Obliteroids are fixing Archibald’s invisible unicycle.” Basil said.
“I see.” Dr. Despair squinted. “Well, not really.” Basil laughed.
“Great!” Archibald said, approaching the Obliteroids. “Great! Great work!” He gave one of them a pat on the back. “Great work! You young ladies really did a fine job. I’ll be sure to tell your boss.”
The Obliteroids stepped away from the invisible unicycle. In an instant, they vanished in flash of light. Basil looked up and saw a streak of light running up, into space.
Archibald jumped up onto his invisible unicycle. He turned back and waved at Faustina, who had just exited the building. “Faustina! Thank you for your hospitality!” Agony ran from the building, barking, and jumped onto the seat behind Archibald. Then, he pedaled into the sky.
“Wow.” Dr. Despair said, watching Archibald disappear from view.
Basil turned to Dr. Despair. “So, uh, what happened with you and Sue?”
“I killed her.” Despair said. “She tried to kill me with a death beam, but I reflected it with the Mirror Shield of Gelthbaz.”
“Oh.” Basil said. “Did you know her before?”
“Yes. It’s a long story.” He turned to return inside. “If you’d like, I can make us all some tea or cocoa, and we can share some of these stories.”
“That sounds lovely.” Basil said.
The Woodchipper 2
[Note: This story is a sequel to another short story, "The Woodchipper." This was revised 5/27/2024]
Amadeus opened his eyes. He looked down on the city. The world was faded and transparent, blurred, and unclear. He could see that the people glowed with life, shining like lights in the fog. He turned and saw Donnie and Clyde. Their forms were faded, without life. They were slowly circling upward, converging towards a hole in the sky.
Amadeus yanked both of them out.
"Hey!" Clyde said,"What are you doing?"
"Yeah," Donnie said, "what's the deal Amadeus? I was about to pass on to an eternity of paradise in heaven."
"Yeah me too," Clyde said.
"Stop and think for a moment," Amadeus said, "we can't just let it end like this."
"What do you mean?" Donnie asked.
"Yeah," Clyde said, "I mean, this kind of is the end, after all. We all died, so it's time to pass on to our eternal reward."
Donnie said, "We deserve a rest after our hard lives, after all."
"If you went to heaven right now," Amadeus said, "you would experience an eternity of dissatisfaction. An eternity with just one regret itching at you. How could you rest like that?"
"What do you mean?" Donnie asked.
"For all of our lives," Amadeus said, "we've had every single thing we've desired. Nothing has ever been denied of us." He paused. "Until… that man denied us our desire to throw that baby into the woodchipper."
"Yeah," Clyde said, "I guess you're right. It would suck to go to heaven without ever having thrown a baby into a woodchipper."
"We will achieve this desire, despite our untimely demise." Amadeus said. "And if the Night Disassembler tries to deny us, we'll throw him into a woodchipper too!"
Darius Dirk watched the procession of school buses full of orphans pass by. The philanthropists of the city had pooled their money together to send all of these poor children on a field trip, to give them respite from their unfortunate lives. Darius pressed the red button. The charges he planted on the bridge exploded. The bridge collapsed, the rush hour traffic started pouring into the lake, towards their inevitable demise. The screams filled his ears as he walked away.
Darius Dirk was 13 months old. He was known as the most evil baby in the world. While he had yet to learn to speak, he possessed incredible abilities. The amount of tragedies he created was uncounted. He had been imprisoned many times, but could simply not be stopped. He was recognized by the broken chains that hung from his arms and legs, clanking as he toddled along.
And then an unseen force grasped Darius. He struggled and cried as it lifted him off the ground, taking him away.
Ozias Ozbek watched the footage on his television. He fidgeted with some screws in his hand as he watched the bridge collapse. It frustrated him. The bridge was breaking into large, sloppy chunks. It was inelegant. If he was to disassemble that bridge, he would have—
Ozzy's phone rang. He picked it up.
“Ozzy, it’s me, Betty!” The voice on the other end bawled. “Clementine has gone missing again! I don't know what to do!"
“Don't worry Betty, I'll find her again." Ozzy put down the phone.
She was the 203rd person to call him about a missing baby in the past few days. It seemed there was a pandemic of baby disappearances. And yet he had yet to find a single clue to the whereabouts of the babies.
The newscaster spoke from the television. "In other news, workers on the docks have been complaining of poor working conditions, claiming the noise of hundreds of crying babies and heavy machinery coming from the abandoned factory is hurting morale. The city has yet to investigate these complaints, claiming noise is a normal part of work."
"If I had 203 babies…" Ozzy thought, "where would I keep them?" He considered the screw in his hand. "That's it! I'd hide them in the abandoned factory! The sounds of heavy machinery and babies crying would drown out any sound made by the 203 babies. No one would suspect a thing."
Ozias threw open the closet. His mask and suit hung in the same spot. "What is it? I was sleeping, you know."
"It's time for you to get to work."
Amadeus tossed Darius onto the shelf next to Clementine. He was bound tightly. Clementine looked at him with a sad, knowing look.
"All right," Amadeus grinned, "that's the last baby in the whole city! Let's get back to chipping!"
Ozias approached the factory. He was clad in his mask and suit, taking the form of the Night Disassembler. The sounds of crying babies and heavy machinery grew louder. Ozzy began to feel a little uneasy. Something about this place felt almost sinister.
He climbed up the side and entered through a door on a balcony.
Inside, hundreds of screaming babies moved down conveyor belts, all converging and running into a single, huge woodchipper.
He would have to disassemble the woodchipper if he wanted to save the babies.
He jumped onto one of the conveyor belts. It was the fastest route to the woodchipper.
Suddenly a ghostly form materialized in front of him. Amadeus's visage appeared, grinning.
"The Night Disassembler!"Amadeus snarled. "You won't disassemble this scheme! These babies are destined for the woodchipper!"
"Don't get in my way." The Night Disassembler stepped forward, over a baby.
Amadeus's ghostly form grabbed The Night Disassembler and threw him down on his face.
"You can't disassemble a ghost!" Amadeus yelled. He grinned. "Donnie and Clyde passed on to heaven after the first batch of babies went through the woodchipper. But I won't be satisfied until every single baby has been chipped!"
The Night Disassembler pulled a screwdriver from his belt. "That seems a bit excessive."
Amadeus lifted The Night Disassembler off the ground.
"Who do you think you're fooling?" Amadeus grimaced. "This 'Night Disassembler' get-up is ridiculous. Everyone knows you're really just Ozias Ozbek, the local mechanic."
"Don't bring Ozias into this." The Night Disassembler said.
Amadeus pulled him closer. "You know, we're not so different. I know how you are. Whenever you see something beautiful or precious, you want to break it down into little pieces. So you should be able to sympathize with me."
"You're right." The Night Disassembler said.
The conveyor belt broke, and The Night Disassembler tumbled off it, onto the ground. Babies poured down onto him, burying him in a pile. He dug himself out of the pile. The woodchipper roared, just a few feet away.
"Damn it!" Amadeus yelled. "I can't believe you disassembled it while I wasn't looking!"
"You should pass on." The Night Disassembler said. "I imagine the woodchippers are much nicer in heaven." He started piling babies into a wheelbarrow. "I'm going to take these back to their homes."
"Stop!" Amadeus said. "Look at that baby in your hand."
Ozzy looked at the baby. He was bound tightly. Chains hung from his arms and legs. His countenance was twisted with hate.
"That's Darius Dirk," Amadeus said, "the most evil baby in the world. If you save him, he'll surely do more evil." He came close to Ozzy. "Do you really want to save this baby from the woodchipper?"
Ozzy considered the baby for a moment. "No." He tossed Darius into the woodchipper. And that was the end of Darius Dirk.
The Woodchipper 3
"My son. My darling son. I have shed so many tears for you. I will not rest until I have avenged your unjust death."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What an incredible story," Barnaby said, "I've never heard of ghosts operating a woodchipper before."
"Yes," Ozias said, cutting his steak with a knife, "I'll admit it was a first for me."
"Ozzy's always the first one I call." Betty said, "He's so reliable. I haven't called 911 in years. I know Ozzy can handle anything."
Barnaby smiled. "My sister has told me so many stories about you, Ozbek. I'm happy to finally have gotten a chance to meet you."
"Ah, thank you. I hope I didn't disappoint."
Barnaby laughed. "You're an interesting guy, Ozbek."
Clementine politely sipped tea from a baby-sized teacup.
Barnaby considered Ozias. "I must ask, though. Why the mask? It seems like everyone knows who you really are, anyways."
Ozias paused in thought. "When I put on the mask, I become the Night Disassembler. Only the Night Disassembler can do these things."
"Ah," Barnaby nodded. "Very interesting."
Betty stood up from the table. "I must practice Clementine's speech. Today's a big day."
Ozzy was back in his workshop, carefully dissecting a fish. He had put each of its organs in its own little jar. His mind wandered. Barnaby was a beautiful and charming creature. What did he say he did for work? If only Ozzy could disassemble him. He had beautiful eyes. Perhaps he had a beautiful heart and and skull and lungs and–
The fish's eye slipped out of Ozzy's tweezers, and rolled onto the floor.
"Damn it."
He reached down to find it, but it had rolled off somewhere.
The phone rang.
"Oh, Ozzy!" Betty's voice called from the other end.
"What's happened?"
"Someone kidnapped Barnaby! They were wearing the mask of the Night Disassembler! Wearing your mask, Ozzy!"
"My mask?"
"I know it couldn't have been you, Ozzy! I know you have a pure heart! Someone must have disguised themself as you!"
"I'll find him." Ozzy put down the phone.
"If I had taken Barnaby," Ozzy picked up the fish eye, "where would I take him?" He stared into the fish eye. "Why, I'd invite him into my home. I'd serve him dinner. I'd treat him nicely. Maybe then I could convince him to let me… well… my house really is a mess right now. I should really clean it up."
Ozzy opened the door from his workshop to the living room. The roar of a woodchipper nearly deafened him.
A huge woodchipper stood in the middle of his living room. A figure wearing the mask of the Night Disassmbler carried Barnaby, bound and gagged, over his shoulder, ready to feed him into the machine.
Ozzy jumped at the machine with his screwdriver, and reduced it into a pile of parts.
The figure dropped Barnaby on the floor, and then began to laugh.
"Who are you?"
The figure removed the mask.
He was a massive man. His arms and legs were as thick as tree trunks. His sharp teeth gleamed in his huge grin. His eyes were fiery and piercing. His brow was contorted in an expression of hate.
"I am Dagon Dirk." He sneered. "You killed my beloved son, Night Disassembler. For that crime, I will shred you in the same woodchipper you shredded him in."
Ozzy lunged at Dagon. Dagon reached into a pocket and pulled out a huge sheet, covering his body like a curtain. Barnaby tore through the sheet and landed on the ground. Where was Dagon? His eyes darted around the room. The man was gone. How could such a huge man just disappear?
A small screw rolled out the front door. But Ozzy didn't notice.
He turned to Barnaby, still bound and gagged. Why, he could take Barnaby into his workshop and disassemble him this afternoon. Barnaby couldn't object in this state. No. He would just untie and ungag him.
Betty Blake stood at the podium, sweating.
"Well," she said, "uh, today we're cutting the ribbon for this new school my daughter Clementine helped create. It's for impoverished children, you know. Uh, I'm just going to read the speech Clementine wrote for this event…"
Out from the crowd, a small toddler toddled. He approached the podium.
"Oh," Betty looked at him, "where are your parents, little one?"
The toddler pulled out a remote and pressed a large red button. The roaring sound of a woodchipper emerged from behind the school.
Crash! Crunch! A giant woodchipper rolled through the school on massive treads. Giant mechanical crane arms pulled out pillars and fed them into its gaping maw. The crowd screamed in terror.
The toddler cackled and pulled off his mask. The huge form of Dagon Dirk appeared behind the disguise. He turned to the cameraman recording the event.
"Night Disassembler! You child murdering bastard! The woodchippers hunger and thirst! They will not be sated until they feast on your flesh and blood!" And then Dagon pulled out a sheet and vanished.
Ozzy watched the events unfolding on his television. "That's not good."
"Oh God." Barnaby said. "Betty and Clementine."
Ozias threw open the closet. The mask sneered down at him. "It seems you can't do anything without me."
"Shut up." Ozzy said. "It's time to get to work."
"What?" Barnaby said.
Ozzy just shook his head.
Betty's leg was trapped under a piece of rubble. The giant woodchipper roared louder and louder as it approached her. Clementine pulled at Betty, trying to free her.
"Oh Clementine!" Betty cried. "Leave me! Save yourself! The world needs you!"
Betty turned and saw the machine, almost on top of her. And then it collapsed into pieces.
The Night Disassembler emerged from the mess. He pulled the piece of rubble off of Betty.
"Are you all right, Betty?"
"Oh Ozzy," Betty cried, "we put so much of our souls into building that school. You must stop this terrible man before he destroys even more!"
"Ozbek," Barnaby emerged from the pieces behind him, "I found this. It must have been hidden inside the giant woodchipper." He handed Ozzy a note.
An address was written on the note.
A woodchipper roared in the middle of the playground. A conveyor belt slowly pushed a pile of sleeping puppies towards its mouth. A small dog was tied to a post, barking and yelping, just barely unable to reach the puppies.
Just before the puppies reached the mouth of the machine, the contraption exploded into pieces. Ozzy pulled the puppies from the pile. They were unharmed. He untied the small dog from the post.
"You're ok. It's ok." Ozzy petted the dog. Dagon was nowhere to be seen. Besides the dogs, the park seemed to be completely empty.
A car door slammed in the parking lot. Barnaby and Betty had arrived.
"Is this the place?" Betty yelled.
"How peculiar." Ozzy said.
"You fool!" The small dog pulled off its disguise, and Dagon emerged, towering over Ozzy.
Before Ozzy could react, Dagon bound him tightly in rope.
Barnaby rushed towards him. "Stop!"
Dagon turned towards him and grinned. His head crashed into Barnaby's, throwing Barnaby into the ground. Barnaby was dazed.
"Next time," Dagon laughed, "DON'T use your head." He carried Ozzy into a helicopter that was inconspicuously parked nearby.
"Barnaby!" Betty arrived at her brother's side. The helicopter flew off into the air.
Barnaby groaned. "We have to stop him, before Ozbek is nothing but giblets."
Barnaby and Betty arrived at the abandoned factory. The helicopter was parked just outside.
The noise of a roaring woodchipper could be heard from outside.
Ozzy was tied to a conveyor belt, slowly approaching the huge woodchipper.
Barnaby jumped onto the conveyor belt.
"Don't worry Ozbek, I'll get you out of this."
"Wait!" A voice called from nearby.
Barnaby turned and saw another Night Disassembler tied to another conveyor belt, running parallel to this one.
"It's a trick!" The second Ozzy called. "That's Dagon in disguise! I'm the real Night Disassambler!"
Barnaby froze. There was only time to untie one of them before the woodchipper shredded the other one. His eyes darted between the two figures, looking for some small difference. But they were exactly the same.
He turned to the first Night Disassembler beneath him.
"I trust you will make the right choice," the first one said, "Barnaby."
Barnaby untied the first Night Disassemble, and then pulled him from the conveyor belt, just as the other fell into the woodchipper.
Barnaby held Ozzy steady. "Are you all right?"
Ozzy laughed. "You fool!" He pulled off his mask. Dagon towered over Barnaby. "Not only is the Night Disassembler dead, but at the hand of his foolish friends, too!" He cackled.
Barnaby sank to his knees.
"No!" Betty cried.
"The blood of my darling son has been avenged." Dagon's voice was quiet. "Justice has been served. The woodchippers will terrorize your town no more."
There was a clanking noise. The woodchipper fell into pieces. Ozzy emerged from the tangle of metal. His clothes were torn. His mask was cracked. But he stood.
"How?" Dagon yelled. "That's impossible! Even I couldn't escape from those bonds!"
"It doesn't matter how tightly you bind me," Ozzy said, "I can disassemble anything and everything. And you're next."
"Not this time!" Dagon yelled. He jumped into his helicopter. "We'll fight again, Night Disassembler!" The helicopter lifted off the ground. "And again and again! Until you're shredded down to nothingness! Until my son is avenged!"
"He's getting away!" Betty yelled.
Ozzy leaned down and picked up a loose screw.
He smiled wryly.
The Island of Doghouses
This is a novelette I recently wrote. Because of both the size and content, I'm not sure I can post it on Tumblr itself, so here's a google docs link.
There is a content warning on the second page.
Hope you enjoy it.
Label Machine
The label machine spat out a clean new label. I affixed it to my friend’s chest.
“CLASS TRAITOR,” it read.
He shook his head. “I don’t like labels.”
We disagree on many things, but we’re still friends.
He invited me to dinner. He told me he lived frugally and only had canned food to eat. I told him that was all right. I had been subsisting on birdseed and cat food since I blew my savings on the label machine.
When I arrived for dinner, he told me I could have whatever I wanted from his pantry to eat.
When I looked inside his pantry, I saw the labels on all the cans had been removed. Every tin can looked the same. I just took the one closest to me.
Condensed milk. A bit too sweet for me.
