Traumatic Childhood - Tumblr Posts

If parents use the phrase “all parents/mothers/fathers do this to their children” while doing something painful or weird or creepy to you they are absolutely lying, this line is only used to make someone comply out of fear to not be seen as more difficult than everyone else, if they had to use this line it was because nobody has ever been okay with that being done to them.

Abusive parents make sure their children always act like everything’s okay. That’s one of the first things you learn there: don’t let the neighbours hear you scream, don’t cry in public, don’t show your marks from being beaten to anyone, don’t talk about things that go on at home, show that you’re okay, don’t be a weakling, don’t let people get the ‘wrong’ idea. You learn that 'acting’ okay and making sure nothing is suspicious about your appearance comes way before your needs or your well being; keeping the family’s secrets is imposed on you before you even know what’s being asked of you.

There’s almost unspoken rule to not ask for help; in fact if you do, you’ll be punished, so asking for help will feel as the same thing as asking for pain and humiliation, something highly inadvisable to do. So on top like feeling that most of the abuse is your fault just because you never said anything or showed symptoms, you learn not to ask for help, ever. The mere thought is humiliating and like you’re making yourself weak and a target for bullying, even when it would be okay, even preferable for anyone else to ask for help in the same situation.

It’s not your fault if you can’t ask for help. If pretense of normalcy was ingrained into your mind since you were a kid, that’s not something you can fight. Trauma conditioning is powerful and it created a real barrier between you and anyone who could possibly help, just to keep you abused in secrecy, to make sure you’re keeping it secret, isolated and alone in it. This is not something you could have done to yourself, or chosen, it’s inflicted, and none of your responsibility.

I'd make your life hell just like you did mine without any sliver of remorse

Yknow the "fight of flight" instinct?

Let's just say I never had any opportunity to flight before which means my response to anything is to just fight

Nobody's gonna make justice or give support for us besides ourselves and I'm tired of pretending tired of pretending otherwise

I feel like no matter how much I'm good at everything I do, my value is still seen as nonexistent 'cause I'm not good-looking, I have lots of struggles with social interactions and my few "defects" are exactly what scare and push away anybody from me which doesn't happen with anybody else and it's really hard to not feel like a waste

my pain is valid

my anger is valid

my anxiety is valid

my traumas are valid

my tears are valid, including the ones I didn't let fall and had to repress

and no one who hasn't been on my place has any right to say otherwise

I didn't had a hand to feed me, in fact the hands who were supposed to do it actually were the ones that made me starve and made sure I didn't felt worth of any shit

Not even God would be able to understand how much I'd like to make your life a fucking hell just like you did

often frequently I feel the urge to crush the skulls from every single one who made fun of me or mistreated me and I'm not gonna pretend it's not a recurring thought

I spent so much time forced to live in distrust of the people around me that nowadays I am almost incapable of believing in people. It also doesn't help that I seem to experience the same types of traumatic events

They tried to kill me before again and again but I'm not going to hand this victory to 'em. If they were weak enough to not even be able to kill me then I'm gonna make my whole existance be about perseverance

I don't even know how to chat anymore, I just act like a psychologist trying to understand people and make questions about every single fucking thing they say

Honestly I can't see a future where I'm able to stand the fact I didn't got any help with any of my problems and still got blamed of being victimist while I saw people getting for free the same exact help I needed

It's impossible to separate the symptoms of autism from the symptoms of trauma because our society hasn't produced a single autistic person who wasn't traumatized in childhood yet

I'm just not that well recently. I'm tired of not having someone else while everyone around me says "you should appreciate your own company" like I even had any other option. People say I'm undatable because of my "personality" yet I never dated before being who I am right now. Saying it just shows people don't know shit about me and they have no interest in learning my point of view, yet I'm supposed to always be understanding with them. I'm so tired and angry. During my whole life I heard I'm weak/fragile/clueless/sensitive/retard/emotive/blunt/unfiltered/clumsy/clunky/inattentive and a fucking ton of other words even if I was at my absolute best, yet I can't even complain about my condition because I'm supposed to always be doing something and being available to people. I can't even grasp the right words to properly explain how much I hate all of them

I'm tired of having to cope with videogames like LoL: WR or Minecraft in an attempt to fulfill this fucking emotional hole. I appreciate the few friends I have and every moment we have, don't get me wrong. It's just not the same thing as a romantic relationship and I'm tired of people saying it's the case. Honestly, fuck you and I hate you deeply. People always say we should aim for the best and women love specifying the kind of men they wish, yet I can't even THINK about having someone who cares about me romantically without people saying I'm feeling entitled. Go fuck yourself you and your double standards.

Also fuck you dad, you're not even man enough to admit your own mistakes. You're everything I always hated and you can't even pretend to care. My mom also has her responsibility with my traumas but she's able to properly deal with what she did while you're nothing more than a pussy who doesn't know what accountability mean

Y'know what? I'll put my phone on the charger while I listen to some music on my tv

I'll never forget what you did to me and I hate you with every inch of my being for that

Hello! Can I ask about your "children shouldn't be given adult responsibility" post? (genuine question) Instinctively I agree as I believe children should be treated like human beings but not like adults, but I am confused on what you mean by adult responsability. Could you clarify? Thank you for your time, and have a nice day!

When I was younger, folks seemed pretty comfortable with telling me I was “an old soul”, or, “acted like an adult”. I was a sharp kid with a large vocabulary who spent a lot of time reading quietly, so I guess the perception was that I was therefore more “grown up” than other kids my age.

Which, you know, made an otherwise lonely and isolated child feel pretty important and special, so it was easy for me to feel flattered when it signed me up for extra responsibilities.

I was six when I was first left alone to take care of the baby. I was seven when I got my first summer job. I was eight when I was put in charge of my own chicken coop; feeding, cleaning, buying feed and all.

I was special, I was different, I was “treated like a grown up”. I was proud of that.

Then I got older, and more tired, and the limitations stayed the same while the responsibilities and expectations kept piling up.

No, I couldn’t stay home while my family went on an overnight trip, I was too young for that.

But the adults were both out somewhere overnight? Sure, I could take care of two younger kids, cook dinner, put them to bed by 8 and have them off to school in the morning.

I remember, once things began to decline, repeating rather often: 

“Either give me adult responsibilities and adult privileges, or child responsibilities and child privileges. Don’t give me child privileges and adult responsibilities- either I’m an adult or a kid. Make up your mind.”

It turns out that “adult responsibilities” isn’t quite the same thing as “adult respect”.

But even if it was, though- even if I was treated with all the benefits and freedoms of adulthood alongside all the work, I was still a kid. 

Kids need free time. Kids need sleep. Kids need to *not* have to lay awake at night wondering what they’re going to make for school lunches, or how they’re going to cook dinner for six when the stovetop burners went out.

And it’s not necessarily because they can’t handle the pressure, but because there should be Actual Adults in their life doing those things. If not for the labour aspect, but for the respect and security of it.

My parent says I can’t wear shoes in the house? Why do they care? I’m the one who mops the floors.

I’m not allowed to stay home alone? What, you trust me with your baby but you don’t trust me with your house?

The family pet died and I’m tasked with burying it? Cool, grief is isolated and nobody cares, and when I’m scared or in pain, the authority figures in my life will be distant and emotionally unavailable. I have no reason to believe anyone will support me through emotional hardship in the future.

When it comes to responsibility, its not so much a question of, “can the child handle the work?”, but, “what precedent is this setting for their perception of the future?”, and, “What is this teaching them about actual adults?”

A child who sits quietly and draws is no more an adult than a child who eats glue and sticks pens up their nose, but both deserve to be respected as people, and both deserve to feel as though the adults in their lives are stable, reliable, secure, and have their best interests in mind.

Responsibility is not the same as respect, and there is a mile of difference between “can” and “should”. 

Affirmations for trauma/difficult past

I have been through hell and back

I am alive and that's a damn good start

My past affects me heavily, but it does not define me

I am compassionate

I am patient

I am kind to myself, even when I don't meet my own expectations

I would never judge somebody for asking for help, because I know what it's like to be helpless

I would never judge myself for asking for help

Support from others helps me to grow and heal

I am strong for seeking support instead of suffering in silence

I am honest and I am smart

I know my own limitations and I can set boundaries for myself

I can tell people "no" when things are getting to be too much for me

I don't owe people my time or my compliance

I follow the road to recovery, even when it's difficult

I follow the road to recovery even when it's uncomfortable

I keep my head up when I walk, because I am strong

I am safe

I love who I am becoming

I love myself in this present moment

I'm a bit bored, I should probably work on English class work, but my brain says no, and I have no real control, lol.

Anyways, fictionkin shit, this is gonna be talking about my biological parents as Zuki, so there will be trigger warnings. All of this is just to do with my life as Zuki, I have problems with my parents here, but not as bad.

Tw: hinted at sexual assult not said by name but still, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, child abuse, bullying, scars, burning/fire, and maybe more? Idk if there's anything to add, let me know.

My bio father as Zuki was a horrible abusive asshole. He was not the first guy to get my bio mother pregnant [as my old sibling is my half-sibling from my mom]. He told my mother that if she just had one kid with him, then he would be "happy" (not his actual words but whatever). So I was the kid that came from this "agreement".

But when I actually got the first part[s] of my quirk at the age of 4, which included wings (which came from my sib's bio father pretty much, it's hard to explain exactly), he was fucking pissed but couldn't do anything cause my mother did what he wanted, she had one kid with him (just not the kid he wanted).

At the age of 7, the other part of my quirk came in. Which is/was essentially the ability to "drop" my body and become a "spirit," I guess you could say. It freaked people out, causing a lot of bullying and shit. Anyways, that just made my bio father [I hate calling him that, but whatever] hate me more.

He was always "aggressive" and abusive, I mean, he didn't get physical to me until I was around 5 or so. I also couldn't actually speak until I was at least 7, and then it was about at a like 2 year old level, basically. Anyways, he got physically abusive towards me when I was like 5, but he was always verbally and emotionally abusive towards me.

When I was like 11, my bio father got put into jail cause my old sib got into UA and told Aizawa about him and shit. I was happy that I was "free" from abuse [I wasn't really, but I was at least free from him].

My bio mother had an alcohol problem and would drink a whole lot. She wasn't really ever physically abusive when I was younger. But after my bio father got put in jail, it actually seemed to get worse with her towards me. Idk why exactly, but I believe it had to do with me kinda looking like my bio father and also my bio mother (she definitely had problems with self image and took it out on me).

My old sib didn't see the abusive side of our mother at all. They were the favorite child, they didn't look as much like our mother, I guess. They had seen only the loving side of our mother, which I knew existed but rarely saw when I was alone with her.

I always had a hard time admitting that my mother was abusive and shit. To me, it was deserved cause I was an unwanted pup that she was forced to have and care for. She still wasn't typically physically abusive.

When I was like 12 or 13, my bio mother left me alone in the house. She had slapped me to the ground before fully leaving as I was quietly "screaming" for her to not leave me. My older sib never knew this. As far as they knew, our mother was just really busy with hero work [I forgot to mention that both of my bio parents were heroes]. The only time our mother would be at the house is if I had called or texted her about my old sibling wanting to see her and shit. Then she would come home and act like everything was fine and that she still lived there and took care of me.

That went on until I was like 15, it was my second year in high school [another reminder that UA is a college and I was 18 in my canon]. My bio mother had been in a bad villain attack and was at the hospital and would never do hero work again and would have to be in the hospital for a while (years). After that happened, my old sib ended up becoming my legal guardian and shit.

My old sib was pretty busy with hero work since they were pretty much just starting out with their hero career. They asked Izuku's mom [Auntie Inko as I called her] to look out for me a lot, as she already was, and because me and Izuku were childhood friends who were re-becoming friends again.

Pretty sure if Auntie Inko had the full ability to support another child legally and shit, she would've adopted me. I was not an easy pup to deal with, though. I was very suspicious of her kindness and would fight her [I bit her a few times cause of being fearful and shit, I really regret that and shit]. I was sure that she would abandon me as well one day, of course this never happened [think of the moment in the movie Bolt where Mittens is talking about how "Penny is fake" that was kind of how I was with Izuku and his mom at first].

Anyways, Auntie Inko ended up basically being my parent until I got adopted by Dadzawa and Papamic.

I'm gonna go into a bit more detail, but not too much detail about my bio father's abuse now.

His quirk gave him wolf claws [not necessarily always out, but he kept them out almost all the time] that were able to use some of the elements (fire, water, etc. I guess) to hurt. It's kinda hard to explain rn, but basically, he could have his claws on fire [I use that example cause it was his favorite].

He would use his "fire claws" on me a lot when he wanted to hurt me. He burned me a lot with them, I had so many scars from him doing this a lot. I had one scar across my face that I got from one of those times that I hid with makeup for a long time. Eventually, I gave up hiding it, and when my friends asked about it, I would say it was old, and I just used to cover it up.

His abuse in this way made me very cautious around fire and shit [so yes I was very cautious and scared when Todoroki first started using his fire but I of course never said anything cause I was not about to discourage his use of his fire]. Fur and feathers don't really go with fire anyway, so yeah.

Idk if there's anything else I want to say but at least for right now, this is good. Sorry for 2 vent(?) posts back to back.

- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/hx/it)