Tw: Trauma - Tumblr Posts

the trauma moods

i wonder why my life is in shambles that's weird

i'm going to redesign my room and paint a portrait and binge watch six shows and dye my hair and start a makeup brand and write a novel and read poetry and clean my whole house and

i Can't Get Out Of Bed

uh oh sisters! *showers with the lights off*

cries in the car and almost crashes accidentally

tv static noises

*wakes up* [redacted] *goes to sleep*

i haven't slept in 72 hours and i'm talking a lot about ophelia and reciting hamlet's soliloquies and everyone around me is worried

trying to sleep but there's Something In My Room

*texts abuser(s)* oh this is a fantastic idea

i'm horny and angry about it

i'm horny and sad about it

masturbates and then cries

If You Touch Me I Will Kill You

*thinks about trauma* oh that sucks for whoever that was

oh, wait, that actually happened?????

Shame

i'm going to starve myself until i'm so small no one will want me

i'm going to overeat until i'm so big no one will want me

*throws up for unknown reason*

talk about trauma, but make it funny

I CAN'T DO SOMETHING REALLY SIMPLE AND INSTEAD OF WORKING THROUGH IT I'M GONNA YELL AND HURT MYSELF UNTIL I GET TIRED

i have forgotten every single coping skill i've ever learned

hnnnnnnng

*listens to music from That Time and gets weirdly nostalgic*

i Want To Be Abused

i will never love again! ever!

confuses platonic and romantic emotions because anything that feels Good is confusing

I want to delete my personality. I want to pretend I don't exist, I want to be a robot. I want to stop feeling and be a shell.

I want to support other peoples work without feeling the need to create things and receive support myself.

I want to work without a desire for something more fulfilling, so I can earn money and pay the bills and donate the extra to a good cause like a good citizen should with no protests.

I want to smile and care about other people without expecting them to care about me.

Why do I have to have desires? And wants? And needs?

Please, I just want them gone.

Let me be empty.

Let me be molded to whatever suits you best.

Use me for whatever makes you happy.

I don't deserve a will of my own.

"We didnt beat you enough, did we?"

"It hurt me worse to swat you than it hurt me"

Are you sure about that.

I don't feel good knowing I'm the only child you didn't yell at and spank and smack and punch a hole in the wall over, that doesn't make it better, there's a reason I was quiet and scared my entire life

That moment when you're thinking about your trauma and can't sleep at all, haha relatable amiright

My distrust of Christianity began when I was a child and my parents told me if God asked them to choose him and kill me, they would

Everyone hates me, everyone everyone everyone, I'm an annoying pest in everyone's way, I take up space where other people could be, the words I say come off as rude and obnoxious, I'm the only ugly one in the room, I'm the only person they all hate on sight, I'm the only fucking freak that people can't stand to talk to because I'm never ever ever going to be good enough to even have a conversation with, to be acknowledged as more than a lump of flesh in the room

The world says to ignore your fears but how can I when all the evidence shows that my fears are founded in truth

seeing people say “narcissistic abuse” makes us so pissed off. you mean emotional and psychological abuse. please stop invalidating my abuse and others disorders by calling it “narcissistic abuse” or i will gently hit you in the face with a frying pan don’t even think about clowning in this post or i will eat your fingers.

God and I have a complicated relationship

just realized that the reason I wanna be left alone in complete darkness and silence is because I grew up in a household where yelling and shouting and screaming and drowning in chaos was my world so now I need to shut the world out to be able to feel safe and heard

Day 12 - Tatto or Piercing 【 KLOKTOBER 】

Katt’s therapy session (Pt1)

I want to show y’all a comic that I’ve been working on it’s a little bit angsty but I am proud of the expressions

Katt’s therapy session (pt2; final)

Katt’s therapy session (Pt1)

I want to show y’all a comic that I’ve been working on it’s a little bit angsty but I am proud of the expressions



Katt has had a hard past, and the night terrors don’t help her situation

seeing people say “narcissistic abuse” makes us so pissed off. you mean emotional and psychological abuse. please stop invalidating my abuse and others disorders by calling it “narcissistic abuse” or i will gently hit you in the face with a frying pan don’t even think about clowning in this post or i will eat your fingers.

*Cutely vent posts*

Have some drawings of hte inner panic, special guest, scribbles of my hallucinations. Sorry for the scribbly-ness, I'm using a pen cos its all I have.

Little remarks (and the sun's nose and mustache) courtesy of my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me and was tryna calm me down. Love him.

First pict is sideways, sorry about that.

So clarification for the sun pict: The sun has eyes and it wont stop staring at me

- Nori

This helped a lot

going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:

There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’

like wow babe. good fucking point

as silly as he can be at times, i think he lies awake at night gripped by flashbacks and unspeakable mental agonies that cause him anguish like a heart attack. anyway happy messy sycamore sunday i'm too tired to do anything else

Okay so context... since I've had some time to think...

Ok, if you're not mentally prepared to hear about something a little heavy where I ended up in peril, just keep scrolling, but here's a cute doodle for your troubles, dear!

J and I were out on date night... we were having so much fun... then I said how much we loved each other, and... it was like a switch was flipped. She accused me of things, insisting I go back to treating her like a maid or a plaything because there's no way someone like me could love her... I kept trying to convince her that I did love her, and that she was my equal, and that she didn't have to get violent because she's more than just a weapon... She got really mad and mentioned it would've been better if she never built me. I was so stupid, thinking to just act like Mary Queen of Scots, taking off my wig and kneeling before her asking to be executed. She.... she almost tried to kill me.

It went dark, and I was screaming for her... A voice, no... MY VOICE offered me J back and I accepted... I regretted it... I.... I felt used and tricked... I just wanted J to calm down, so we could maybe patch things up, but.... it locked us in the aviary. I was almost watching outside my body... it promised to make me docile and obedient.... I watched my... not self I guess, but vessel, almost attack J.... Somehow the robotic birds in the aviary flew to her rescue and pecked a hole in my chest. I regained consciousness from whatever it was... and crashed through the glass roof and somehow flew back to my shop. I... I went to sleep blind as a bat, but, I woke up this morning and I could see... my scars are, healing?! I.... something is wrong....

Here's some doodles to explain things better sorry it's a mess, follow the arrows

Okay so long story short.... J and I are no longer together... for both of our safeties.

I want a divorce... now...

okay so re: the excerpt from Lottie's book where she says that Louis was touring right before Fizzy's death so he wasn't around. Maybe it's an overreaction but it actually makes me INSANE to see people being like "lol so many inconsistencies hahaha it's all lies!!" or whatever. First of all he WAS, he was on the road promoting Two Of Us by doing interviews and playing shows around the UK, what else would you call that, it was a promo tour, and I do get worked up about just inaccuracies: but it's more than that. I think her saying that is actually really revealing and honestly, kind of devastating. Louis hadn't been away from London for a long time before that, he'd very much been at home, doing the X Factor and then doing promo from London, and even when he went off to do those shows on the TOU promo circuit it was UK only- and a lot of people think that was BECAUSE of Fizzy and what was going on, that pretty likely the main reason he took the X Factor job at all was to be able to work from home to be around because of everything that was going on, to try to help her, and that she was leaning on him pretty heavily. And we saw him with her more than once during that time. But then a while passed, and she finished rehab and came back after that, and he started doing single promo and moving towards the album release and then she ODed and that got cut off for a long while in the wake of her death. But I think Lottie talking about it like that is meaningful! I think it's possible that this tells us something, that it felt like he LEFT and was gone at this time, right before the most awful possible thing happened. And the idea that he might also feel like that is heartbreaking to contemplate and all in all I think that's just a really serious and upsetting thing that was expressed and revealed and people making it a joke or about larry or something like… upsets me tbh? Fandoms gonna fandom but fwiw. Just having some feelings and actually I think there's nothing funny about this and it might break my heart even more than it already was tbh.