University - Tumblr Posts

february mood

increased daylight and a better state of mind

a large iced latte and a trusted notebook on the library desk

a chunky knit sweater, clear nail polish and a favourite ring

clear blue skies, the first of the migratory birds returning

studying on a leisurely morning with the sound of your computer keyboard and the familiar scent of hand cream

sunglasses, a long wool coat and a big scarf

seeking to simplify in all areas of life, journaling to focus on what truly matters to you

walking to lectures, a claw clip in your hair and your favourite bag full of books on your shoulder

getting yourself flowers and a breakfast croissant to celebrate the mundane

I don't know if reblogging my own post is the proper way to format an update but uh I think I should probably elaborate further on this point btw? Uh... My University (The University of the Arts) just announced that they're shutting down with little to no warning. They were supposed to institute a 60 day teach out plan, and instead they're giving the students exactly a week.

It's incredibly disappointing considering I was about to start senior year. So was most of my social circle at this point. But honestly, I'm kinda getting into the apathetic part of grieving so I'm okay at the moment.

Apparently there was some financial trouble, smth about maybe being $10m over their expected spending for the last fiscal year. And also one of the educational buildings was incredibly structurally unsound!

Idk how true that is though, but people have been discussing things and showing off legal statements from the Middle States Commission on Higher Education (MSCHE) for a while in online chats.

Supposedly we're getting more information tonight so uh ... Maybe I'll keep y'all updated? Idk.

Hey y'all, my university just announced they're shutting down this upcoming Friday, right before my senior year. So to cope, I edited a new pfp for myself.

Mcloopin.

It's so weird being a different university for my senior year. Like, what do you mean my university shut down back April? What do you mean I'm attending a different university now? What do you mean that I'm graduating somewhere I wasn't educated?

I'm standing outside a university that I'm still barely a student of. But I'm in that weird limbo of being both old and new. I'm a senior but a first year. I am existing in such a stubborn and strange way. I am fighting everyday, but I am an alligator.

At least I'm not getting food poisoning anymore .

It’s a match!

a/n: can you tell i’ve never used tinder and had to google things like “what number is a lot of tinder matches” 💀💀

summary: you and your roommate draco decide to start a fun romance competition but unbeknownst to Draco, you fell in love with him when you were 12...

warnings: none?

word count: 1914.

Saturday morning - 9:32 am:

“Wanna play a game?” your roommate asks.

“Sure,” you reply. Although this was only the second week of holidays, you two were already bored out of your minds. “We could play Uno again, but that’s getting boring. Or maybe Scrabble, Pictionary, Cluedo...” you glance at your board game cupboard, listing them all before looking back to Draco, who’s shaking his head.

“No, it’s this game I saw my friends play, on your phone.” 

“Other friends? I thought I was your one and only,” you shake your head disapprovingly. 

“Very funny, y/n. No, it’s Tinder.” he answers, grabbing his phone and moving closer to you on the couch.

“Tinder? There’s games on there now?” you ask, confused.

“No, the game is Tinder. You set a time limit, say, three days, and the person with the most matches by the end gets to dare the other people to do something,” he explains. 

“Oh. I always like a good competition,” you say. “’Get the most matches on Tinder in three days to dare the loser’ isn’t the most catchy name, but I trust you to buy a good trophy for me, since you’ve have so much practice.” you gave him a saccharine smile. 

You and Draco had a little trophy cabinet where the loser would buy the victor a trophy with whatever the competition’s name was engraved on the outside. It had become a game between you two, the winner at the end of the year would... It was undecided, but you were going to make sure Draco’s punishment was bad, or at least, totally hilarious. So far the tally was 5 to you, and 4 to Draco. 

“It’s only a one trophy difference! Anyway, make a new Tinder account, fake information but choose any pictures of real you.” he says. 

You quickly sign up, and pick 5 of your best photos. 

“’If you like water, you’ll already love 70% of me ;).’’ you laugh and look away from his phone. “Really, Draco. Pickup lines?” you snorted. “That’ll never work in this day and age.” 

He smirks. “We’ll see, y/n. I’ve heard I can be pretty charming.” 

You roll your eyes at the reference to what 13-year-old you had said when he talked you guys out of detention.

At 10am, you guys were ready to begin.

|| You: 0 matches || Draco: 0 matches ||

Sunday evening - 8:24pm:

The whole day, you were furiously on your phone, swiping right, right and right. You tried to keep an open mind and had inputted no preferences to try give yourself an advantage, but 24-year-old Dudley Dursley was still living in his mother’s basement with his girlfriend. Yeah, girlfriend. The guy put it in his bio. Even though this was a game, Fake Y/n was not about to be a homewrecker. 

“You alright there, love?” asks Draco. “Your thumb might need a break.” he laughs at you. You noticed he had been staring for a while now, watching your thumb as it furiously swiped right, with the occasional exception of people like Dudley Dursley. 

“No, I’m fine, thanks. I see you haven’t been swiping too much. Why?” you demand, not looking up from the screen.

You see him arch an eyebrow and he whistles. “Your concentration right now is intense. I think I’ve done enough, today. My matches have been rolling in.”

This makes you look up. “Rolling in?” How many have “rolled in”, Draco?”

He smirks, “Maybe 17?” 

“You’re joking!” you say, mouth open in shock. Your eyes lift up from the phone and just briefly you catch him looking at your mouth. 

“I’d never lie to my one and only friend.” he picks up his phone and walks out of the kitchen. 

|| You: 5 matches || Draco: ??? matches ||

Monday morning - 5:11am:

The next morning you woke up early, despite being up late googling the best way to get matches. To your delight, you found that overnight you’d matched with 9 more people.

“Draco?” you walk into his surprisingly clean room and dramatically throw open the curtains. “Wakey wakey!” He had work at 8, but you were looking forward to bothering him enough to at least get him to spill some of his secrets. 

He groans, and his muscular arm flexes as he grabs his blanket and covers his eyes. “What is this,” he mumbles with one eye open. “sick joke?”

“Is it working? Mind if I... take a quick peek at your match number?” you give Draco your sweetest smile and he smiles too. God, he had a great smile, even first thing in the morning. 

“Whatever, love, just let me sleep before I have to work.” he yawns and snuggles back down into his bed. Like the very best friend you are, you use his phone to take a picture, send it to yourself, and then set it as his lock screen. Snickering, you sneak out of his room, his phone in your hand. 

“Wrong password?!” you whisper to yourself. Draco changed it?! It used to be his birthday, what was it now? You tried 0000, 1111, 2222 and all the other basic combinations. His mum’s birthday, even his dad’s - even though their relationship wasn’t the best - but lastly, yours. To your surprise, it unlocked. 

My birthday? You think. Why would it be my birthday? 

Oh well. You resist looking through his photos and move right on to the good stuff. His matches. 

He lied. 17 matches? More like 6.

You smile happily, very content with your findings. Unable to resist, you take a quick peek at his messages, searching your name. 

Why, why, why was your best friend the last person he’d used your name in conversation with? The preview of the text merely said: “Y/n will love it, Draco, good luck!”

What is this thing Pansy was so sure you’d love? You’d have to confront him about that later. 

Monday afternoon - 4:30pm:

"I’m back,” Draco calls, voice echoing through the hallway. 

“Hey Dray, café busy today?” you ask while flipping through a book. 

“Actually not really, but you know what was busy? My phone. All those Tinder notifications were blowing it up.” 

“What? How?” you bunch your eyebrows and stare. “You were literally working.”

“Every girl I served, I showed her my Tinder, and I think she made sure we matched.” He snickered. 

You laugh but roll your eyes. “That’s cocky. How many matches are you on now?”

“Cocky? I prefer charming, but I have...” he looks at his screen. “15 matches now.”

You take in this information, trying not to smile. Four more people added you throughout the day, so you were only barely in the lead. Time to start furiously swiping again. 

|| You: 19 matches || Draco: 15 matches ||

Tuesday morning - 9:54am:

“Malfoy,” you nod your head. Across the room, Draco smiles.

“Last names now? Someone’s in game mode.”

“I was in game mode long before this, just thought I would go easy on you before, make sure you remember me being nice before I totally obliterate you in this competition.” 

“You’re intense,” he teases, moving to lean against the kitchen cabinet across from you.

“I checked your phone this morning. 19 matches? Cute. I’ve got 22.” You’re feeling pretty good about yourself right now, intimidating him and all. 

He claps slowly. “That’s great, love, but there’s still 6 more minutes.” 

“That’s... fine. These next,” you glance at the clock to make sure. “5 minutes I will be swiping so intensely, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

He walks towards you. “Really, y/n/n? Nothing?” You turn around and face the kitchen island, hiding, his eye contact making you go red. Suddenly, you feel something behind you. It’s Draco. Of course. 

You turn around, mouth open, about to belittle him for thinking flirting will make you go easier when you see his eyes flicker to your lips and your breath catches in your throat. He meets your eyes, in silent question. You nod.

“No, love, I need you to say it,” he brushes your hair behind your ear, the contact making you squirm. 

“Draco, kiss me.”

And then he does. One hand wraps around your waist, his other tangles in your hair. He kisses you like you’ve never been kissed before. He kisses you like he wants you. Needs you, needs this moment more than anything. You know you do.

He kisses you and you feel time stop and slow down and get quicker all at once. Or maybe it just stops.

He kisses you like he’s been waiting for this moment his entire life. 

He kisses you... and everything’s perfect, exactly where it should be. 

You pull away, breathing heavily. He rests his forehead against yours, and he smiles. You bite your lip, nervous. You two had never crossed that line before. All those times you thought he felt something too, but you had been too scared to act. You start to smile, the stereotypical line of, “If I knew you also felt that way, we could have been together for years now!” in your head.

“If I knew you also wanted that, y/n, I would have obliged you long before now.” Draco admits, voice rough. 

Oh my god.

“If I knew you also wanted that, Draco, I would not have stopped you if you did kiss me long before now.” 

For a moment, it’s all smiles and laughter, before a shrill, piercing noises hits the air.

Draco starts to laugh even harder. “Sweetheart don’t tell me that’s an alarm. You really did get competitive.”

You look down, embarrassed it ruined your perfect moment. “N...No? Pssh, what alarm?”

“I know what you’re thinking. It’s not like our moment was ruined,” he says, eyes staring deep into yours. “I have a feeling every moment with you from now on will be perfect.”

“Watch less romance, Draco,” you deadpan. 

“What can I say, I’ve been told I’m charming.” he shrugs, and you grin. 

“I wouldn’t doubt that Dray,” you say sincerely. “But I have to ask... why did you change your password to my birthday? I’m sorry for snooping but I just have to know. Why did Pansy tell you I was going to love something?” 

His eyes widen.

“I- I didn’t expect you to see the messages. I mean, the password I knew you’d get, but...” he takes a deep breath.

“Before I walked into the kitchen and we kissed, I changed my password again. It’s the year we met. The year I fell in love.” he admits.

“You’re lucky I’m in love with you too, because that was almost too cheesy,” your smile grows. 

“Yeah?” Draco smirks and you nod.

“I had this whole date night prepared, and I showed Pansy, and she said you’d love it, but... Never mind now, right?” he smirks even more and puts his arm around you. “I want to be yours, now,” he says softly. 

“I can’t believe you had plans!” you say, caught up in the fact that the Malfoy heir planned a date night?!

“I was going to wait until after this whole game these last few days, I couldn’t keep listening to you go on about the hordes of matches you had.” He smiles sheepishly. “And I hated listening to you read messages.”

You grin. “Jealous, Draco? It’s okay,” you affirm. “I’m yours now, I promise.”

|| You: 1 match || Draco: 1 match ||

I feel like university is just 2 phases which switch throughout the semester, the ‘I can’t cry no matter how hard I try’ phase and the ‘I actually can’t stop crying phase’

I have to make 3 paintings of myself for class and when the first is objectively pretty next ones are going to become uglier and more chaotic and sad. Just me becoming more crazy and on verge of breaking down. Letting my emotions take control while I work on those paintings.

the start of the summer semester

i do not have any courses today. though from the early morning on i have been quite busy figuring out all kinds of bureaucratic things.

i changed some seminars, recieved some rejections from the applications i sent on the weekend, recieved one invitation for a test shift as a bartender, registered for two language courses: italian for jurists and persian, brought b.'s former advisor's secretary her and his former advisor's present b. had bought for them at yale, reached out to b.'s editor in order to give her her present as well, met with j.'s cleaning lady, who has been working for him and his wife for over thirty years but who will retire soon (and i will be the prospective successor) and have been in touch with two ladys who have children that would benefit from talking to an english native speaker that answered to my post about a job for js. i spent the first half of today (so far) in my favourite café where unfortunately i encountered too many people that i am trying to avoid: for example my ex n. or my first ever one night stand in this town: a forty something surgeon who thinks of himself as the hottest and coolest man alive - the sex was indeed good, but that was like three years ago. i am pretty sure he recognises me but we just pretend we didn't know each other. also, i saw the mother of one of my former crushes in this town. that guy works in that café and his mother came by, had a coffee and had a chat about his son with the manager who always covers the morning shift and who i somewhat befriended. this town is small and basically only consists of students&university people. for a noisy person like me it's a great place but sometimes when i just want to enjoy my privacy and peace... it can be a bit frustrating.

the town is blooming though, trees getting greener every day, it's warm, people ride their bikes and i encounter quite many nuns on the streets. i'll read kochenov's book now and make the best of the day.

the first week of the summer semester

back in uni

it was an eventful week. establishing my timetable, figuring out the new schedule, the first sessions of the new seminars i was able to change to. i did not put in much work yet and tried to take things slowly.

in the beginning of the week i had bought myself and j. lillies. my lilies have blossomed wonderfully, whereas the ones i had bought for j. simply died. i felt pity, so tomorrow i will buy new ones, hoping they will behave differently. being back in europe i am so incredibly happy and thankful that buying flowers is so affordable. for two rather big bouqets of flowers i only paid 12 euros. unbelievable.

i felt grateful to be alive, happy to be riding my bike in this wonderful weather, listening to philip glass on repeat. i had bought myself a new cardigan and new light pants, wearing those things together it basically looks like i am wearing a pyjama. luckily nowadays it's trendy and socially accpeted to wear such outfits, as long as you title it "scandi style" lol. i love it though. if it wasn't so rainy here, i'd wear nothing else than that.

i got very disappointed by that one professor whose class i had looked forward to a lot. it is always so interesting to me how different people are and how different they decide to teach. this seminar on migration in political theory with this seemingly lovely junior professor i had (and still have) big hopes for. as i recently very much got into the topic of citizenship, having been in touch with dimitry kochenov and reading his signed book still, i was so excited to talk abuot my experiences in america. unfortunately though, this woman decided that she wants to play the role of a rather authoritarian, unapproachable and oh so professional professor, that she did not at all care about people introducing themselves and their passions and after the seminar was very quick to rush outside. i did stop her on her way her though, thanking her for letting me take part in that seminar (i wasn't initially assigned for it) and briefly telling her about my encounter with that guy. just a few days ago he had actually messaged me again excusing how he was sorry for not having time to chat with me when he met me in front of law school two weeks ago. i did not expect to hear from him at all anymore. so grateful for his kindness and humility, i sent him a picture of his book in front of my town's main sight. he said how i was so "incredibly kind". how cute and nice of him. how different scholars can behave! if i one day get to be in the position of being a lecturer, i will go sure to be approachable and nice. i could tell that this woman somewhere in her heart has kindness. but she forced herself to be "a big girl" and play a role that was very obviously not authentic. she was rather behaving like a toxic and insecure man.

just last saturday i had a different weird interaction with a lecturer. this time, it was rather positively weird. so, i have had written before how i had matched with this guy who teaches politcial theory at my institute on bumble. he had just gotten out of a longterm relationship and his profile was very new. when we matched his first question was whether i study at his institute and whether we know each other. i said "yes" to the first question and "somehow" to the second. i had attended one (1) session of his seminar on arendt but realised it wouldn't fit my schedule well last semester, so i didn't proceed further... well, we had an exchance on how embarrassed he was and how naturally we could not proceed further with this either. i had told him how he should set his age range higher if he wants to avoid such things in future. he said how he'll definitely do that, and only didn't do it since his profile was just so new. i kind of believe that to be true. and also he seems just to be really really clumsy and lost. on bumble i had used my middle name only and pictures without my face so i told him how he would probably not recognise me in future so he can be sure there won't be akwardness... ok, so far so good.

janurary i basically spent all my time at the theatre and at a's (the actor) place. february&march i lived in america and now... literally back not even two weeks i had encoutered him about 4 times already. once when i left after my early morning lecture, we had weird eye contact but nothing else. another time when i was riding my bike home from the institute, he was with all the young lectureres, probably on his way to grab some beer or smth, again, out of all the people in this group of people it was us who had weird eye contact and now on saturday...:

on my way to my rowing class (something i started last friday and will continue writing about later) i was riding my bike from j.'s place to the harbour and whom do i spot walking on the side walk in the opposite direction talking to himself making weird counting gestures?! yes, that exact guy. he looked so silly doing that - he was most likely thinking about things he would have to buy in the supermarket where he was probably heading to - and i let out a laughter. he realised that, turned around and i realised that as well, had to laugh even more and ended up having to physically hold my laughter. i was caught off guard completely and with that finally exposed myself. he knew me now. and how can i be so sure?! well, he sent me a damn email about that a few hours later saying "sorry, normally i don't look that much like a fool - i was talking to myself"... we had sent some emails back and forth about his seminar he was supposed to hold this semester that i wanted to join (actually out of pure and genuine interest). and he used that opportunity to get back to me. how inappropriate actually. i could not believe my eyes when i saw that. i was a bit weirded out... but on the other hand it was also my teacher-student romance dreams i have had all through highschool coming true. now in university i quickly realised though how bad of a situation that actually is to be in. especially if you are actually interested in that person's research and field of expertise... i did not get back to him on the weekend anymore, only today morning i sent a text saying "to be able to attend your future seminars, i would like to make clear that i was actually only interested in joining the seminar. sorry for laughing though, you caught me off guard". to which he replied: "i was caught off guard myself. i kind of regret sending you that mail. i understand and it's allright, you'll be welcome in joining my seminars when i hold some again". he's chill and i am very happy about it. he knows it's so inappropriate and he knows i know it myself. even more now that i have a boyfriend who is so into me, whom i am into so much myself. though i am certain i will encounter that lecturer again throughout the next weeks. to be honest, i love to have some flirts like that around, it's just a fun game. and we are responsible adults. i know it's kinda unfair towards js... i don't know whether i should feel bad. since sooner or later there will be updates on that guy, i will give him a name: t.

so now more about rowing: i had taken part in a rowing course when i was like 14 already. it was just a few days, but i did very well. so well, that very soon i was put in a racing boat. unfortuantely back then i was not socially confident enough, i was always feared to be around people my age, especially in a context of "clubs". i did not like engaging with people my age who had more experience and were rather condescending, because, well we were just kids. and i was always afraid of kids' behaviour. i never enjoyed team sports... the wish of wanting to row stuck with me though. since i moved to this town three years ago i had waited on a waiting list to start rowing here. i have not actually expected hearing back from them ever. but when i was in america it happened. and it was fairly cheap even. last weekend was the introductionary weekend where we met every day with a group of about twenty people (twenty lucky people out of two hundred applicants!). the weekend went nice, though i was a bit bored having to deal with absolute beginners. i tried not making that obvious though. also, the group of people i started with is not my age at all. i had applied for the 25+ group, being much younger than even that. most people that start with me are around 35-40, which is kinda fun and makes things more chill for me really. from now on i will have weekly lessons and hope that my talent will be able to unfold and get recognised by them as well. i am very convinced and determined to have talent btw. and the best thing: they very recently moved into a new club house and it's basically located next to the theatre i work at. on friday evening i actually first went to rowing class and right afterwards to a dérniere of a play (which turned out to be really shitty - actually the worst play i have ever seen - but that's a different story). so yeah, i am so happy with this sport right now. my whole body hurt, but i like pain in general, i like feeling myself, it reminds me that i am alive.

what also happened on the weekend: i had a test shift at a bar close to the harbour. right on the day i went rowing for four hours. i only worked for three hours in the evening though. it was a lovely evening, good weather, happy people, a crowded bar. i did very well. the team was somewhat stressed out and all of them kind of behaved passive aggressivly, but maybe that's just their character. two guests told me how sweet i was and in the end the boss and their best employee told me how i had a quick perception, how i learn quickly and how they'd be happy to have me in their team. actually, whilst working i was kind of not wanting to work there. because i sensed that things are not really alright with the staff. the atmosphere just seemed off. but to be honest as i said already, that might also just be their personalities. when i was working in the bakery my colleagues were extremly dull as well - something that i always fear to become. i though managed to stay nice and funny in the bakery. this job will definitely be more draining than the bakery work, but i will get more tips. working in the bakery i had had to wake up at 4am, now working there i will have to work until 4am. funny how life is huh. in the bakery the highest tip i ever recieved were 2 euros, normal was 2 cents, lol. there, so i was told, i could sometimes make even 200 euros if i was working alone. well, of course they say such things in order to make me want to work there, right? however, i will be happy to have a job. happy to be able to interact with nice and cool guests. happy to learn how to make drinks, a very important life skill i guess. so far, i have absolutely no clue about alcohol. js. gave me courage about starting this job saying if there is a time in life to work in a bar, it's your early twenties. and i think he's right. it's just something one should have done, isn't it. it'll teach me a lot i am sure...

on another note, i managed to sublet my dorm room until may to a nice girl whom i actually seem to become friends with. she's a phd student and researches on migration. she expressed her great gratefulness for the things i already helped her with. since i travelled so much and lived in a few places now myself i know how messy it is to move and to orientate. so i really want to be that kind of person, a native and local, one can rely on with any "stupid" questions or problems. i am so happy i can help her and in the end i am also happy that i recieve money from her until may...

js. booked his flight today. he will arrive mid may. we are very happy. i am proud to be the one hosting him, showing him this lovely town in europe. it will literally be a deflowering experience for him: his first time in europe. and he'll always connect it to me. i really hope i don't fuck this up. but so far, things have been going just so well with him, i should not be scared.

today i did not do many productive things. i did buy my very first own matcha powder in the asian store, in order to save money and consume less coffee. i finally got to write those things down and in the evening went to this evening circling lecture, where i met j.'s wife and her friend, who share the same name - they are women in their seventies so it's kinda fun that those people are my main social contacts nowadays. it was a great lecture by my favourite law professor on constitutional law and the role of constitutional courts in our society. he's so charismatic and funny, it was pure delight. the hall was crowded and i decided to sit in the very front left. the space all the other law professors decided to sit as well, they ended up sitting behind me. very close to me was somebody i somehow developed a weird crush on now. he was one of the two professors b. had defended his phd to. b. just calls him "the walking dead" because he is so expressionless, he is very tall and boney. i somehow never really liked him though i so far did not attend any of his lectures... but now it turned out i have a seminar with him. last week at the first session of this seminar that is held by one law and one politics professor he already looked at me weirdly imo. i think he recognises me from seeing me with b. a lot on campus. i used to be somewhat of his attachement, we really were always together. and now today: he sits diagonally behind me and i realised he looked at me form time to time, he also looked at my laptop. i don't know why i never liked him. he actually seems like a charming man. very reserved, very nerdy. but genuine. his smile is too sweet. and why the heck do i keep having crushes on professors and lecturers?! fuck me man.

in general, i just adore professors (no matter the gender) a lot. i have so much respect for them. i think they are the people with the profession i respect most in this world. it has always been the ideal for me. i hope that life leads me a path where i will become somewhat like that myself. i know though, for that i will have to work hard, be humble and do not let anybody destroy my passions. i should not give up and trust myself. i remind myself this every day.

in general, it currently feels i am on a good track. i have two and two halves of a job now, chose interesting seminars and lectures, manage to go to bed early and wake up early, make home cooked meals, consume less in general, am nice to people, am nice to my friends, read books, keep up with the news, do a new sport regularly and in general just live an active and genuine life full of new energy the spring gives me. if it wasn't for current political conflicts and the way they affect my friends and therefore me, i would almost dare to say things are perfect. i try though to be living the moment and me so grateful for how things are right now. how well j. is doing, how nice my lillies smell, how much i like my bike, reading and the fact that b. got this fellowship and js. comes to visit me. things are good. if i manage to fulfil my roles and stick to this lifestyle, i will lead a satisfactory life. i just should not lose hope and confidence, even when things may not go right...

however, this week will be interesting. j.'s son and a friend of his will be visiting: one from barcelona the other from london. meaning i will live together with three older men. one very old man, two 50 something year olds. j. is so incredibly social and active. it will be a challange for me to deal with all those people and still focus on my every day life's to dos. let's see how it goes...

my new life

after the guests had departed, j. collapsed in relief saying “dear god, i survived it!”. this poor old man had accommodated those two incredibly messy fifty something year olds,

one of which was his son who came to visit from barcelona, the other his son’s best friend visiting from london. they knew each other from university in london, from when they studied computer science. both of them extreme nerds. neither of them had their own children, neither of them a girlfriend or wife. j.’s son has a horrible lisp and just a very weird character, he seems pretty much of an idiot, but today i learned that apparently he’s extremely good in maths. well, with the chap from london i get along rather well. he had hosted me for a few days in his house in south wimbledon in winter of 2022. he’s all into all kinds of conspiracies and very much of a modern hermit. well, many of my own views on society are somewhat against the mainstream i’d say and i certainly feel somewhat of an urge to become a (real) hermit myself one day. unlike that bloke i do want to rely on science and stay rational in order to understand society, that’s why in the end i decided to study social sciences (and law). however though, he has a good sense for absurdism and sarcasm, which makes him fun to engage with to me. anyway. i managed to limit my interactions with our guests to the very least. and i cannot complain, i got invited for very good dinners three times the past week. 

the first time was just after rowing class. my technique had gotten much better already, unfortunately though the people i was rowing with were rather bad, which was kind of frustrating. a funny thing that happened that evening before dinner was how i had met my boss from the theatre on the way to rowing class, then just 1 minute later i had met another person i knew: a guy i used to live with in that big communal house, a very much of a hipster architect guy. and then when we were rowing on the canal one lady walking her dog laughed at us and shouted at our cox “yeah, you gotta know how to handle your people”... she was very drunk. and she was also somebody i know: a woman that had worked at the theatre but just recently been fired and completely banned from it. but mpre about dinner: we had it with j., two of his sons, his other son was coming to visit from munich but was staying with his mother (who just lives a few streets away from j.), that british guy, j.’s wife (and mother of his other son) and their friend who shares the same name with j. wife. the person i got along most with from this group is definitely j. son with his other wife. that boy is in his early thirties, is doing his phd and is just very funny and silly. there is always an interesting tension between us. weirdly enough allegedly he has never had a girlfriend so some people think he’s gay, just j. seems not to realise that. i think the best proof for him being gay really was when for christmas 2022 one of his male friends joined us. it basically was like introducing him to the family. b. and me were invited for that dinner and it was just so funny. anyway, i just find this tension between me and him so interesting, because it does not at all feel like he’d really be gay. i find him to be rather attractive and cute and could very much imagine being with him (and him liking that even (which is the point)). well, i was also the first real girlfriend of b. when he was 34 so who knows apparently i just do something to the guys, lol. dinner that evening was fun though, we were in a lebanese restaurant.

and then, friday j.’s other, older son and the british guy invited me to an indian restaurant, which was ever so entertaining. they acted like two nerdy boys, discussing wildly what they wanted to order for half an hour. i suspect that both of them certainly are very much neurodiverse in one way or another. i didn’t care about their weird behaviour though. i was getting invited and that was all that counted. afterwards we went to an old irish pub, a very fancy establishment really. the british guy wanted to get me drunk i realised that. i drank two guinness. and i enjoyed being drunk with them. especially with the british guy. i know, i am sick. throughout the evening we talked about modern times regarding artificial intelligence, social media, influencers, tracking and surveillance. they asked me how i perceived all of that, me being their representative of all of the “gen z”. 

and then there was yesterday’s dinner. i had first gone to work my first real little shift at the bar i am working at nowadays. it was for a cocktail course for a bachelorettes party. about 20 drunk women in their early thirties. very fun. normally i’d somehow be put off by their annoying noises and hysterical laughter. but that was past me. i realised how much i adored their dynamics. i saw girlhood. It was sweet and most of them seemed to really be enjoying themselves. But it was certainly testing my extraversion. People tend to think i am very extrovert, but this is not the case at all. I get bubbly when i am with one person i really like and i can put on a mask for limited social interactions in public. But when it comes to staying all out going in an environment like that… its just so incredibly draining and uncomfortable. I will really have to train myself to have a “work personality” there that i can use, because the only other way to endure this in the long run would be to drink alcohol myself. But that would make me an addict real quick. But i know that i will manage. That job will really make me a cool and relaxed young woman. I will be so happy to meet plenty of edgy hipster kinda people working there, have some flirts, get some tips and be physically exhausted in the end (with i really like to be and am not too often). Of course this is more than just a slight romantisation of the job, but i realised it really is about how you approach things like that. Working in the bakery or working at the horse’s stable was also not easy at all, but if you got the right attitude towards those things, you can always have a good time, which i always had. Plus i get paid!.. Ok, so i arrived j.’s place, which from now on i will just call home, because it is just that for me at the moment. J., his youngest son and the british guy were sitting in “my room”, the living room. It was 7.30, the other son was in the kitchen preparing the dinner on his own, he was a good chef. Sitting down with them in the living room was a pleasure. They were talking about “birding” (a new hobby of j.’s son describing bird watching and recognizing competitively) and the new smoking rules in england. I realised how both the young man and the middle aged man were just so into me, observing me a lot. I liked that. When i had mentioned my new job, the younger son asked for where exactly i was working. Turns out he had been at the opening party of that bar 8 years ago, conforming how nice of a bar it is… It’s a pity i don’t see j.’s younger son too much. I had only seen him that christmas before. I think we could be great friends. He seems rather cool, relaxed but yet fairly intellectual. Well, his wonderful parents, both having been professors, made it possible for him to go to one of the prestigious english schools. What i don’t like about him though is that he just acts so snobby and it’s obvious that he likes being a snob. Which is… rather ignorant. It’s also a pity he didn't join us for dinner, because unfortunately he is very vegetarian, just as his mother and the lamb we were eating was very much not vegetarian. I did not get to say bye to him today as well. But i know i left a lasting impression. I had changed since last christmas and also now am proving myself being a good help for his father. 

Dinner was ready shortly after eight. The other seventy something year old friend that had joined dinner on thursday had now joined again. We were sitting at the big dining table in j.’s hallway. The new lilies i had bought for j. I had placed on the table. This week, they were blossoming beautifully. The scent made you drunk. I sat next to j. and opposite to us the two men and the lady. i realised throughout the dinner that she was just so into the british fellow. Though she herself was married to a frenchman. Throughout the evening she struggled keeping up with our conversations. Her english is not too bad but the accents and slangs of all those three guys can be somewhat hard to understand if you are not a native or just not very used to hearing brits talk. Living with j. I feel more like living in england than in my own country. Which is ever so nice. The food yesterday was also very splendid. Lamb, some veggies and plenty of red wine and later bourbon. The visiting brit again tried subtletly to make me drunk. Perhaps it appeared i was drunk, since at some point i spilled my glass of wine onto my pants. But i wasn’t much, that was just me being really clumsy as always unfortunately. After dinner the people were sitting together for quite some time, discussing about family issues, basically bullshitting and perhaps having fun. I was eventually getting bored and decided to withdraw. At some point during dinner i had chatted with b. He said how blessed i was, how my peers would not get to have such nice interactions. And well, i have to agree dinner parties like that are rather exclusive and nice, but the people were not too interesting to interact with in general. Except j. Of course. He is the most interesting, intellectually stimulating and wise person i know. I wish i knew more people like that but that will eventually happen if i keep surrounding myself with good and rather intellectual (or let’s say bourgeois) circles like that.

I think my new hobby of rowing will open some doors for me in this regard eventually. Prospectively i would like to one day pick up on tennis again, which i used to play very well when i was very young. Those habits of playing certain sports or knowing your culture really open doors here! If i dress bougie, which i do naturally, i appear just to be one of them easily. And it can be just so helpful. Of course, all of this might come off as incredibly shallow, but i don’t really think it is. All of those things i do, i’d do also if i wouldn’t want to get to know more people like them. Rowing is just so nice, tennis i also very much enjoyed and i long to indulge myself into the arts anyways. I am not doing those things just for the sake of seeming interesting or as a networking possibility. But that might just be a pleasant side effect. 

What i know is that i cannot just live like my parents do nowadays. Both of them have never travelled as much in their lives as i have already. Of course i have to be grateful being able to do so, partly just because of them. Though what i critise is their rather “limited mind” or mindset. They are not interested in culture or anything that’s going on really. They stamp those things as being bougie and pretentious. But did it ever cross their minds that people express their ordinary and very human emotions and experiences through the arts. Why is that bougie?! Well, what i know is that j. Has been living such an incredibly cosmopolitan and intellectual life that made him as wise and humble as he know is. And that’s what i want for myself. It is refreshing to spend time with people like that, because they give me hope that i can also achieve that one day. Instead of living a life that is rather very limited and in my eyes extremely boring. i am really not trying to seem ungrateful. I just know that i am made for more than just that and i want to believe that i have influence in where i end up in life, at least to a certain degree. Learning languages, reading books, seeing movies, putting effort into studying, being informed, working hard, travelling, getting into therapy and somehow expressing myself and my thoughts are the things that i can really do, will do and in fact, am doing already. 

And with my new partner (i think it is appropriate to call him that already) it seems i made another great step into being on the right path of what i want in life. He is just such a pure and gentle man. Seemingly hungry for consuming the arts and striving for something bigger in his life. Though he is not sure what exactly that will be, I believe in him. He is charming, talented, intelligent and strong. I don’t think there is anything he couldn’t do. His brother proved that this family is capable of greatness. He is almost forty and a neuroscientist, who went to harvard, being part of the society of fellows. he and his wife seemingly have a good life, recently bought a house, keeping a few little ugly but funny dogs. his wife seems interesting to me, since she also grew up an equestrian like me. But she was even more serious about it, having been a national american athlete at some point. It’d be cool to get to know them at some point. And even more of a pleasure to build a similarly cool life with the brother of them that i got to have the pleasure of calling my partner. 

As most of all the times my conclusion is: i am on a good track. I just have to work hard now. Limit the meaningless distractions to the least. Thats why i deinstalled tumblr from my phone and that i want to live unbothered by other people and be disciplined and humble. When i do all of those things and manage to stay kind and cool, i will be able to be really satisfied with what i do. The past two weeks i improved in all of those aspects notably already. I am happy about that. From now on, university really gets serious. The next weeks will be very challenging my discipline. I have spent the afternoon of friday of establishing daily routines that i want to stick to. I just love that. And i also love my personal organisation and the fact that notion, the program i use to organise my studies and other big parts of my life, has recently been updated to have an own calendar. What a dream!. the pattern of my new life is the picture i attached on the left. of course it's very much idealised, and i will not stick to most of it (basically the very light parts) all the time. Still, it’s nice to have an overall orientation. 

On another note, js. Met his father in nyc yesterday. He hadn’t seen him in 4 years. He wanted to meet him before visiting me. I am very proud of him for taking courage. His father doesn’t work, a neurological disorder has been discovered in him, so he is receiving grants regarding that. In the past he had been abusing drugs a lot. He's always been an artist and about 15 years ago he even had somewhat of a successful career. Just before he moved to the city. Js. mother thinks that he lost his courage then… js. And him first went to a diner and then went to the movies. He was keeping me up to date all the time. 

it is less than a month that we will be reunited. today i officially signed my new work contract. i am in the library now, it's 2pm and my day has not been ideal yet. but i will read and write for uni and make the most of it.

12 bottles of wine

what a nice day yesterday was.

i woke up at 4am with no alarm. spent the first two hours rather unproductive in bed, chatting with js. i eventually proceeded into the kitchen, making matcha and a sweet breakfast bowl with strawberries, peach, oatmeal and yogurt! how very healthy of me!!! watched some videos on politics&news and around 8am rode my bike to the café to finish fraser's book. at 9.30 that was accomplished, so i rewarded myself with two new books!! one big publication by three sociologists and a collection of essays by jonathan franzen. i feel drawn to him since i know that he is a good friend of js.' uncle. i started the corrections, but it is just so exhausting for me to read. the language is so sophistaced and there are so many american concepts, things or places i don't have a clue about... i definitely want to read that book, but i intentionally have to dedicate extra time to it. so reading those essays is easier for me...i spent the whole morning and early afternoon reading in the café and at some point in the library. i also read about 70 pages of papers for uni, so that's good!

at around 3 i went home to meet j. when yesterday he realised that he is out of wine, he proposed going to get some at his favourite merchant together. he first had to go to the hospital for some mobility training to keep him fit, during this time i showered. weather was amazing and he felt overambitious, so he only took his walking stick with him. at some point i receive a call: him saying he does need his walker. so i carry it to the hospital and from there on our adventure begon. slowly but steadily we headed down that lively street. when we eventually arrived the merchant, i could tell j. comes here quite regularly. the merchant treated him like a vip. j. began enumerating what kinds of wine he would like to have and asked about new kinds available. i was struck! he just never stopped enumerating and so the bottles got more and more. i think i will never acquire as many bottles of wine ever again. another casual proof of how posh he actually is.

we (I) carried only a part of the bottles home, the merchant delivered the rest to us by bike. on our way back we stopped by that café that is attached to my favourite cinema. the outside area was so crowded, but we managed to join some lady. it was so lovely sitting in the sun chatting with j. i told him about my books, he shared stories about his son. so nice! also, as this town is just so small, of course i knew the girl that served us: i used to study with her for a bit.

after we had gotten home, i collected my stuffs and again left outside for a walk. i attempted finding a new spot to read, but ended up reading on the exact same bench in the park i read before on the weekend. directly when i had settled there i realised a., my former fling (the actor guy), was in the park playing some game with some people. he is just so insufferable and obnoxious, one could not not notice him when he is around. i am pretty sure he also noticed me reading there. - to be honest, i don't give a shit anymore. i have so many weird open conflicts with people hereat this point that if i wanted to go sure not to see any of those, i wouldn't even be able to leave the house. so i will just not give a shit anymore. people shall think i am an asshole or whatever. i know that i am not, i know i had my reasons, i am not going to put effort into convincing people otherwise and kiss anybody's ass. especially not losers like him! seriously! - anyway, sitting there reading after only a few i minutes i encoutered another person i know: my boss from the theatre! he is so chill and has my back, i like him a lot. he was carrying two beers, got delighted to see me and just said hello. funny interaction somewhat.

but yeah, now that the weather gets better i realised i know people everywhere, if i stare long enough into the nothingness, sooner or later there will be a person i would rather not like to see... i think this will be a good practice for me of becoming more focused and careless really. living here the next two years will really require me being above all that meaningless social shit.

i am not saying i am too good to have friends or social contacts, no lol. but i want to spend time with actual good people for once. there is actually a group of people i am curious about already for some time. they seem to be hip, chill, but also into what they are studying, which is somehow humanities/law related. i keep encountering them at the café and the library. in fact, they are also friends with former colleagues of b., they worked at the same research facility. and of cocurse that also means that they are somewhat older than me. with one of them i even danced once at a party of that very lefty student establishment. i don't normally party, but that time a. and me had gone together and that was actually really fun. because that i have to admit: a. is great fun at parties and social events. because he is just so eccentric and is seemingly confident in his body, performing. well, exactly what one would expect from an actor!... but yeah, i hope that eventually i'll actually get to know those people somehow. i am not sure how though. just a few minutes ago three of them gathered next to me in the café and i overheard their conversations. apparently they are involved in some student podcast project about recent research, quite cool!

today i woke up at 6am with no alarm. chatted with js for some time and stayed in bed until 7.30 unfortunately. i got ready only slowly, because i decided to ditch that international relations class. the lecturer is just so bad and the students are just so stupid. the quality of this class is really not good. though i had read both papers extensivly (and was most definitely the only person that did that), i really was not in the mood for that. i also ditched the class after that. i don't know, out of laziness really. i am not proud, but i figured that i would get more done simply sitting here and reading. and perhaps that's true. tomorrow is labour day, so i have the whole day for catching up on things and being productive. i overheard the "cool kids" (my new code word for that group of interesting people) say that they will party today&tomorrow. and yeah that reminded me of how the start of may is a reason to celebreate for people here. on one hand i am proud of myself for being rather focused and living a quiet lifestyle. on the other hand it would be nice to once join people to go party, especially because weather is nice and all. going to bars or clubs alone is not a thing people do here at all! it's not a thing at all to get to know people spontanously unfortunately. in other cities and countries i have done that and would do so with no problem, but here it's just very weird. it's a pity, but i am not too sad, because in two weeks js. will be here and i will be able to take him everywhere i go: libraries, cafés and bars!!! i am so looking forward :) especially to getting drunk at bars and making out lol. i also wanna go to some party with him. i am sure he will be in awe with how alive this town is. i mean, he has been to buenos aires, a fairly european style city i guess. but this town here is unique. it has many young student people and all features of a big city, whilst still being cute and historical.

now i will go shopping, later will clean my dorm room for a boy i sublease to for those two weeks, then attend a lecture on comparative politics and right after that cover a shift at the theatre! my first one after three months! so excited! especially because i will get to see my theatre crush ja., son of my other theatre crush jü. lol

technology and me have a love-hate relationship

Ok this is a call for help, hi world. Anyway, if anyone, and I mean anyone is good at making academic posters. specifically on word, please help.

desperate times call for desperate measures and I am picking at straws trying to figure out how to make this poster. I cant even move the pictures around just please! My inbox is open for any and all advice. I'll even take a step-by-step guide as if I'm three.

please.

i'm just a 2 year old pressing random buttons, I cannot.

Changes

A lot, LOT, of things changed since I opened this tumblr. I "dropped" the school I was in, I lost the will to study, and consequently, stopped posting!

But, well, I just entered de university, and, because I know my house is loud and I'm the one to create excuses to not do what I need to, I think I'll comeback.

As my usual posts were more for myself, so I could say "well, if I do this I can POST" , they will stay the same! I don't take cute or pretty pics, and I don't do cute or pretty papers, but I'm sure we can share some knowledge and hype up together :)

Also, no more chemistry posts, as I said, dropped the school I was in (but I graduated, no worries). Instead, I think that will be a lot more portuguese posts, so if you like languages, stay tuned ^^

xoxo

“please let me in im smart and funny i promise”

wish my personal statement could just say 'let me in please i prommy im nice' and the universities just let me attend.

11/30/2023

With Filter

04/03/2024

No Filter

05/10/2024

With Camera Setting Manipulation