Find Meaning. Distinguish Melancholy From Sadness. Go Out For A Walk. It Doesnt Have To Be A Romantic

“Find meaning. Distinguish melancholy from sadness. Go out for a walk. It doesn’t have to be a romantic walk in the park, spring at its most spectacular moment, flowers and smells and outstanding poetical imagery smoothly transferring you into another world. It doesn’t have to be a walk during which you’ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter. Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself. Find meaning or don’t find meaning but “steal” some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. Opt for privacy and solitude. That doesn’t make you antisocial or cause you to reject the rest of the world. But you need to breathe. And you need to be.”

— Albert Camus, from Notebooks, 1951-1959

I don't know how consistent I'll be with blogging or writing again but I will try. My format may be inconsistent every now and then but I don't wanna pressure myself to stick to a single format as I'm still tryna discover which way I like. I honestly can't be bothered to check for typos/ misspellings in previous post coz my mind's pretty loaded at the moment. I've been getting back to reading again and have recently started reading "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love" by bell hooks. Hopefully, I can commit to it and finish before the month ends. Gonna take it slow for now.

Are you authentic??

Warning: This will be long.

Are you authentic?? What does it mean to be authentic? Is it always speaking your mind to anyone you're speaking to? Is it doing things JUST BECAUSE?

GROWING UP

Authenticity has always been a very foreign concept to me. Growing up in a household with strict Asian parents and being put into a Catholic school headed by nuns, self-expression and authenticity isn't taught. We were taught to ALWAYS be polite, NEVER talk back to elders, OBEY rules. While I do understand that certain rules or behaviors are necessary to keep peace and order in the family or in the community, I learned as an adult that strict obedience to those can be detrimental to someone's well-being.

As a child, I was well-liked by teachers because I did somewhat good academically and I always behaved in class. I never got into fights or spats with classmates. However, I was a very easy target for bullies because I'm very quiet, they probably knew I would never snitch on them and I didn't. I took every word and hit. I neither stood up for myself nor did I tell my teachers of it. It definitely hurt but maybe, in that 7 to 11-year-old brain of mine, I probably thought that the bullying I got didn't really warrant any adult intervention. It's like fighting and throwing stupid punches between siblings. That kind of pain has to be normal, right? The bullying stopped at 6th grade but resumed in 7th grade. Same school, different campus/location, new bullies. I was able to take the bullying from other students who I wasn't in class with. I got called "jologs" for wearing my mom's/auntie's/lola's old clothes and bags. What really hurt was the fact that people I thought of as friends were the very ones to bully me. I got called "fat" and "pig". To be fair, those aren't as gut-wrenching if thrown at me now that I am an adult but for my young age of 13 who was never to taught to love one's self, it fucking hurt. I was even accused for stealing money by my own friend who made me count his money while classmates were AROUND us. My family's not rich, I envied kids who had cool stuff but I am no thief. For a Catholic school, it sure has a lot of kids who act like demon spawns. I was only able to have freshman year in that private school after I won a free school year from a raffle in 6th grade. I don't know if they still do that kind of raffle now. I transferred to a public school after that year (thank fucking god). I had better, kinder friends in sophomore year.

At home, my mom provided us with everything we needed to physically survive as human beings. Food, clothes and we lived in our grandparent's house [until to this day]. However, there was no physical and emotional affection. I won't ever doubt that my mom would kill and die for us, her children, but there were times that I wish she would just hug us when we were upset or crying instead of telling us, "Ano bang mapapala mo sa kakaiyak?" I can never run crying to my mom so I cry to myself. I shared the bedroom with my family so I can only cry in the bathroom, when I'm alone in the bedroom or silencing my cries onto my pillow at night when I can't control my emotions. I also can't respond or defend myself whenever I felt a parent or elder has wronged me. Were they physically abusive? They hit us when we misbehaved too much but not to the extent that they inflict pain just because they want to. Was our childhood EXTREMELY traumatic? No. It wasn't too bad but I still think that it's necessary for parents or guardians to provide emotional safety to children. There was nobody I felt I can be emotionally vulnerable to as a child. Not my friends and certainly not family. That is when I learned to seek comfort elsewhere.

It's cringe now that I think about it but when I was a teenager, I would post my number in public platforms like a specific musical TV show that broadcasts messages or shoutouts at the bottom of the screen. I received several texts but only responded to a few. I did it because it was easier to talk to someone who had no face, you know nothing of and whose opinion of things or of you wouldn't really matter to you. I stopped that stunt in junior year high school. This is a different school from sophomore year. I switched between different friend groups here but it didn't matter as ALMOST everybody is friends with everybody. At senior year, I found the people I would be friends with 13 years after. The people who made me love anime, gaming, food and made me learn to love myself. Even just a small part of myself. With them, I found safety.

DATING FOR THE FIRST TIME

How about authenticity and emotional vulnerability in romantic relationships? How does one practice or show that? I certainly had no idea when I was 21 when I first had my short experience in the dating world. My friend introduced me to one of her boyfriend's friends. He's cute, chinito, moreno, tall, had curly hair and a cute gummy smile. My friend gave my number to him and he broke the ice with a joke about pupsicles or something. We hit it off immediately and met each other in person after a few weeks of texting. He was nice. I thought it was all just chill. I was fine with not talking about anything very deep like romantic feelings as we were still getting to know each other. We would just hang out in computer shops to play League with his friends and nothing else. Until one night, he talked to me about me being "special" to him. That sparked something in me that made me think maybe I and this guy could be more than friends soon. Reminder that this is my first time with dating and being chummy with a guy that I have met in person for a few times. I thought maybe I can be finally eMoTiOnALLy vULnErAbLe with this guy when I don't even know what that meant. I just spoke anything that was on my mind. Whether it's a happy or sad thought. It wasn't met with understanding. Apparently, he messaged my friend and told her that I was being weird and thought I was being creepy. It hurt back then. It took a toll on me and made me think that my thoughts and feelings were such a burden. I would learn to hold back things towards other people including my friends. This is when I turn back to strangers, to social media. Specifically on Twitter.

MEETING NEW PEOPLE

I have no social media presence which is a good thing because I don't like bringing attention to myself. Twitter was a nice place because it was like screaming to a void. Nobody to judge you. It's arguably a horrible place now for politics and lukewarm opinions. Note that I am for political correctness and social awareness but there are times that things are really just not that deep or requires more thought before dropping opinions. Anyways, political talk is for another day. Twitter was a safe space for me. I can talk about sadness and wanting to die without having someone tell you, "That's messed up" or "You're just seeking attention." Me tweeting my thoughts to nobody. I needed a release from all the emotional turmoil because there was nobody I could speak to. It went on like that for years. Until I got into communities of, in society's standards, "degenerates." I didn't post the same stuff or engage in the same activities as them but I mingled with them. One community composed of people with lifestyles considered taboo or dirty in a predominantly Catholic and conservative country, the other composed of people who dared to speak of society's and the government's ills and atrocities. Coming from a Catholic and conservative upbringing, talking to these people was very eye-opening and humbling. It's always better to see people by their character, their principles and how they treat people. Not everything is black and white when it comes to that but it's nice to have a standard. I have laid low in both communities for four years now, I still align with the latter one despite me having a low profile.

PRESENT RELATIONSHIP

My partner and I are celebrating our second anniversary on October this year. My real struggle [up until now] is being open about emotions to my partner. I wouldn't tell him when something he did has upset me, tell him I am fine and then wait until he does something that upsets me again and let everything pile up until I couldn't hold it and then drop everything on him. I learned that doing that shows that I do not trust him as a partner, that I do not trust that he's able to hold space for me. Now, I am learning to self-soothe and regulate my emotions first. I know I should be able to tell my partner everything but I need ME to be my own safe space first. The thing that I am grateful for in my partner is that even if we're having conflicts, he is always willing to repair. We may need some space from each other after a conflict but I can always trust that he'll show up and that there's nothing that we can't sincerely talk through. I can trust him and I choose to love him through our ups and downs.

THE TRUE SELF

I spent a huge part of my adulthood brewing hatred in my heart. Hatred for myself for not being good enough, for my mom and dad for not showing me affection, for my dad for not acting like a father and for hurting my mom, for society for not listening to those struggling, for filthy rich people for hoarding so much wealth and committing atrocious acts in the name of power and money, and for God for letting such things happen.

It's SO EASY to hate, to speak ill of people, to shout out frustrations, to CONSTANTLY complain (there are times when it's healthy to vent out, yakno). But it's SO HARD to love especially if you grew up never having a model of what it is to TRULY love. It's hard to see the good things in myself, like how I used to be able to hold space for friends and my partner when they need me, or like how I would always try to feed strays if I had food in my bag, or like how I make nice art, or like how I used to be able to be care-free and smile at people. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but I, and everyone else struggling with self-love, need to acknowledge the good in oneself without fear of being called arrogant. I do get frustrated about my parents sometimes but I no longer hate them. It's good to want to protect and heal my inner child but I also had to recognize that my parents were once children too who had traumas or experiences that led them to be who they are now. It's no excuse for all the things that are in the past but that's exactly what it is. The past. I, they, will not forget about the past but it's all up to us how we use what we know now from past experiences. I still get angry when I see the suffering that people and animals go through under oppressive environments, I still believe every single one of us in this planet has a responsibility for community and that everyone has the right to demand transparency and accountability from elected public officials who VOWED to serve and protect the people, I still believe that no one has the right to hoard SO MUCH disposable wealth when there's a huge portion of the population suffering from poverty and hunger despite being hardworking individuals.

I still get very angry but now it's my job to turn that anger into action and to use that along with love, to help those that I can. That's why they say love is a courageous act because it takes commitment to persist through pain and everything that life throws at you. I must find that courage.

The truth is I am a recovering people-pleaser, have anger issues, have so much shame, struggle with setting healthy boundaries and have a hard time organizing my thoughts. That is why I thought to come back here on Tumblr to try and pour it all out here. I could write this all on paper but... who still does that?? Just kidding. I felt this would be more convenient and my hand would hurt less.

Anyways, back when I and my partner just started dating, he asked me a very loaded question a few weeks after we became officially a couple. "Sino ba talaga si Tintin?" I didn't know what to answer and how does one even answer that? Do I talk about my hobbies? I love art, music, movies, my dogs, exploring different aesthetics, makeup and so many things. Do I start trauma dumping? Like, our mom who shed blood, sweat and tears to provide for us didn't show physical affection to us as children? Or how I will now look at every man I have some connection with and hope he isn't like my father?

If I could go back to the time he asked me that, carrying with me the things that I now know, I honestly still wouldn't be able to answer that. I can't spend the rest of my life trying to figure EVERY single thing out. All I can say is that I want to love and be loved. As cringey as it sounds, there isn't really much that I can do than be actually present in the moment whether I am alone or with my family, my dogs, my friends, my partner, my co-workers or whoever is in the same space as I am.

Am I really authentic now? I don't think so but as long as I am alive, my journey to self-discovery and authenticity never ends.

I am that bitch

i'm gonna fucking fight my demons and heal from this shit and someday i'll live in a humble home with my partner and our moms (ofc boundaries will be enforced, we're all grown adults) and our furbabies. my partner and i will have a game room with his black with purple accent pc/gaming setup and mine would be white and pink. we'd both be pursuing our passions, him- food and gaming, me- art and animal welfare. we'd spend the rest of our humble human lives enjoying food, talking about mundane things, singing love songs to each other, gaming, probably watching the moon and stars at night, having movie nights and simple dates and loving each other.

i know nothing is certain and nothing is ever set in stone. things may still change but i wanna stop fucking worrying about things that aren't happening yet and just be here in the present. i want to really LIVE.