Awkwardchrissy - We'll Be Ok - Tumblr Blog

i miss him

I feel like I spent half of my life in fear, and now, I have few memories of the things that make life worth living.

I used to desire so much; now what I want is just to live in peace.

Imagine who you could be if only you had the audacity.

If you didn’t care about looking stupid. If you weren’t afraid of making mistakes. If you didn’t put other people’s judgements before your own. If you didn’t neglect your responsibilities. If you didn’t procrastinate. If you didn’t let the toxic voice win. If you didn’t overthink everything. If you didn’t fear your own power.

Imagine that you have the audacity.

That you take bold actions. That you take accountability for yourself. That you unapologetically show your creativity to the world. That you ignore the naysayers. That you remain unbothered. That you allow yourself to be seen. That you embrace all that you are. That you speak your truth. That you allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them, then become a winner. That you speak highly to yourself. That you begin your journey right now.

Don’t block yourself from being your greatest.

H.S.

I am that bitch

i'm gonna fucking fight my demons and heal from this shit and someday i'll live in a humble home with my partner and our moms (ofc boundaries will be enforced, we're all grown adults) and our furbabies. my partner and i will have a game room with his black with purple accent pc/gaming setup and mine would be white and pink. we'd both be pursuing our passions, him- food and gaming, me- art and animal welfare. we'd spend the rest of our humble human lives enjoying food, talking about mundane things, singing love songs to each other, gaming, probably watching the moon and stars at night, having movie nights and simple dates and loving each other.

i know nothing is certain and nothing is ever set in stone. things may still change but i wanna stop fucking worrying about things that aren't happening yet and just be here in the present. i want to really LIVE.

And if someday  the uncertainty of this world  becomes too overwhelming,  I hope you remember  that some mysteries  aren’t meant to be solved,  they’re meant  to be lived.

i don't want to regret not loving enough

coping with missing him

he still hasn't woken up. i couldn't speak to him because his speech has been affected by the incident. for now, i've been watching his twitch vods and clips so i can hear his voice and his laugh again while i'm waiting to speak with him again. now i regret deleting my older accounts without backing up my data. i would've been able to save our conversations. i miss him so much.

i miss him he'd be the first person i hear in the morning and the last one id hear at night. i miss how he'd wake me up on our video call when i dont wake up from the sound of my alarm. he saved me from getting late to work a LOOOOOT of times. i miss how he'd smirk and raise his eyebrows up and down whne he's suggesting something. i miss how he'd laugh at the stupidest things. i miss how, albeit annoying sometimes, he'd interrupt me when i'm speaking because he recalled a random funny or memorable moment in his past. i miss how he'd get so passionate when he's playing games or when he's talking about something he loves doing like games and food. i miss when he calls me pretty. i miss how he suddenly laughs heartily when i do the randomest things. i miss how he'd remember the smallest details about me that i only told him once. i miss how he'd be present and ask if im okay when he feels like im bottling my feelings. i miss how he'd always remind to take meds when im sick. i miss how he looks at me. i miss how he'd kiss me thru the screen. i miss how he'd send long ass messages when he feels like it and i know he'd be typing whatever pops up in his head coz there'll be grammar lapses and so many running sentences coz of lack of punctuation marks. i miss how he'd tell me he loves me. i miss him.

STOP THINKING THERE IS A DEADLINE. THERE IS NO DEADLINE. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TAKE YOUR TIME.

“Try a little harder to be a little better.”

— Unknown

“Find meaning. Distinguish melancholy from sadness. Go out for a walk. It doesn’t have to be a romantic walk in the park, spring at its most spectacular moment, flowers and smells and outstanding poetical imagery smoothly transferring you into another world. It doesn’t have to be a walk during which you’ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter. Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself. Find meaning or don’t find meaning but “steal” some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. Opt for privacy and solitude. That doesn’t make you antisocial or cause you to reject the rest of the world. But you need to breathe. And you need to be.”

— Albert Camus, from Notebooks, 1951-1959

“You cannot always be happy but you can always be brave. And that is the beginning of everything.”

— Ariana

My mom , my mom, I love that woman

“When feeling overwhelmed by a faraway goal, repeat the following: I have it within me right now to get me to where I want to be later.”

— Karen Salmansohn

— nothingbutloveforyou

to those i love who are in pain

“It’s about who you miss at 2 in the afternoon when you’re busy, not 2 in the morning when you’re lonely.”

— Unknown

I don't know how consistent I'll be with blogging or writing again but I will try. My format may be inconsistent every now and then but I don't wanna pressure myself to stick to a single format as I'm still tryna discover which way I like. I honestly can't be bothered to check for typos/ misspellings in previous post coz my mind's pretty loaded at the moment. I've been getting back to reading again and have recently started reading "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love" by bell hooks. Hopefully, I can commit to it and finish before the month ends. Gonna take it slow for now.

Are you authentic??

Warning: This will be long.

Are you authentic?? What does it mean to be authentic? Is it always speaking your mind to anyone you're speaking to? Is it doing things JUST BECAUSE?

GROWING UP

Authenticity has always been a very foreign concept to me. Growing up in a household with strict Asian parents and being put into a Catholic school headed by nuns, self-expression and authenticity isn't taught. We were taught to ALWAYS be polite, NEVER talk back to elders, OBEY rules. While I do understand that certain rules or behaviors are necessary to keep peace and order in the family or in the community, I learned as an adult that strict obedience to those can be detrimental to someone's well-being.

As a child, I was well-liked by teachers because I did somewhat good academically and I always behaved in class. I never got into fights or spats with classmates. However, I was a very easy target for bullies because I'm very quiet, they probably knew I would never snitch on them and I didn't. I took every word and hit. I neither stood up for myself nor did I tell my teachers of it. It definitely hurt but maybe, in that 7 to 11-year-old brain of mine, I probably thought that the bullying I got didn't really warrant any adult intervention. It's like fighting and throwing stupid punches between siblings. That kind of pain has to be normal, right? The bullying stopped at 6th grade but resumed in 7th grade. Same school, different campus/location, new bullies. I was able to take the bullying from other students who I wasn't in class with. I got called "jologs" for wearing my mom's/auntie's/lola's old clothes and bags. What really hurt was the fact that people I thought of as friends were the very ones to bully me. I got called "fat" and "pig". To be fair, those aren't as gut-wrenching if thrown at me now that I am an adult but for my young age of 13 who was never to taught to love one's self, it fucking hurt. I was even accused for stealing money by my own friend who made me count his money while classmates were AROUND us. My family's not rich, I envied kids who had cool stuff but I am no thief. For a Catholic school, it sure has a lot of kids who act like demon spawns. I was only able to have freshman year in that private school after I won a free school year from a raffle in 6th grade. I don't know if they still do that kind of raffle now. I transferred to a public school after that year (thank fucking god). I had better, kinder friends in sophomore year.

At home, my mom provided us with everything we needed to physically survive as human beings. Food, clothes and we lived in our grandparent's house [until to this day]. However, there was no physical and emotional affection. I won't ever doubt that my mom would kill and die for us, her children, but there were times that I wish she would just hug us when we were upset or crying instead of telling us, "Ano bang mapapala mo sa kakaiyak?" I can never run crying to my mom so I cry to myself. I shared the bedroom with my family so I can only cry in the bathroom, when I'm alone in the bedroom or silencing my cries onto my pillow at night when I can't control my emotions. I also can't respond or defend myself whenever I felt a parent or elder has wronged me. Were they physically abusive? They hit us when we misbehaved too much but not to the extent that they inflict pain just because they want to. Was our childhood EXTREMELY traumatic? No. It wasn't too bad but I still think that it's necessary for parents or guardians to provide emotional safety to children. There was nobody I felt I can be emotionally vulnerable to as a child. Not my friends and certainly not family. That is when I learned to seek comfort elsewhere.

It's cringe now that I think about it but when I was a teenager, I would post my number in public platforms like a specific musical TV show that broadcasts messages or shoutouts at the bottom of the screen. I received several texts but only responded to a few. I did it because it was easier to talk to someone who had no face, you know nothing of and whose opinion of things or of you wouldn't really matter to you. I stopped that stunt in junior year high school. This is a different school from sophomore year. I switched between different friend groups here but it didn't matter as ALMOST everybody is friends with everybody. At senior year, I found the people I would be friends with 13 years after. The people who made me love anime, gaming, food and made me learn to love myself. Even just a small part of myself. With them, I found safety.

DATING FOR THE FIRST TIME

How about authenticity and emotional vulnerability in romantic relationships? How does one practice or show that? I certainly had no idea when I was 21 when I first had my short experience in the dating world. My friend introduced me to one of her boyfriend's friends. He's cute, chinito, moreno, tall, had curly hair and a cute gummy smile. My friend gave my number to him and he broke the ice with a joke about pupsicles or something. We hit it off immediately and met each other in person after a few weeks of texting. He was nice. I thought it was all just chill. I was fine with not talking about anything very deep like romantic feelings as we were still getting to know each other. We would just hang out in computer shops to play League with his friends and nothing else. Until one night, he talked to me about me being "special" to him. That sparked something in me that made me think maybe I and this guy could be more than friends soon. Reminder that this is my first time with dating and being chummy with a guy that I have met in person for a few times. I thought maybe I can be finally eMoTiOnALLy vULnErAbLe with this guy when I don't even know what that meant. I just spoke anything that was on my mind. Whether it's a happy or sad thought. It wasn't met with understanding. Apparently, he messaged my friend and told her that I was being weird and thought I was being creepy. It hurt back then. It took a toll on me and made me think that my thoughts and feelings were such a burden. I would learn to hold back things towards other people including my friends. This is when I turn back to strangers, to social media. Specifically on Twitter.

MEETING NEW PEOPLE

I have no social media presence which is a good thing because I don't like bringing attention to myself. Twitter was a nice place because it was like screaming to a void. Nobody to judge you. It's arguably a horrible place now for politics and lukewarm opinions. Note that I am for political correctness and social awareness but there are times that things are really just not that deep or requires more thought before dropping opinions. Anyways, political talk is for another day. Twitter was a safe space for me. I can talk about sadness and wanting to die without having someone tell you, "That's messed up" or "You're just seeking attention." Me tweeting my thoughts to nobody. I needed a release from all the emotional turmoil because there was nobody I could speak to. It went on like that for years. Until I got into communities of, in society's standards, "degenerates." I didn't post the same stuff or engage in the same activities as them but I mingled with them. One community composed of people with lifestyles considered taboo or dirty in a predominantly Catholic and conservative country, the other composed of people who dared to speak of society's and the government's ills and atrocities. Coming from a Catholic and conservative upbringing, talking to these people was very eye-opening and humbling. It's always better to see people by their character, their principles and how they treat people. Not everything is black and white when it comes to that but it's nice to have a standard. I have laid low in both communities for four years now, I still align with the latter one despite me having a low profile.

PRESENT RELATIONSHIP

My partner and I are celebrating our second anniversary on October this year. My real struggle [up until now] is being open about emotions to my partner. I wouldn't tell him when something he did has upset me, tell him I am fine and then wait until he does something that upsets me again and let everything pile up until I couldn't hold it and then drop everything on him. I learned that doing that shows that I do not trust him as a partner, that I do not trust that he's able to hold space for me. Now, I am learning to self-soothe and regulate my emotions first. I know I should be able to tell my partner everything but I need ME to be my own safe space first. The thing that I am grateful for in my partner is that even if we're having conflicts, he is always willing to repair. We may need some space from each other after a conflict but I can always trust that he'll show up and that there's nothing that we can't sincerely talk through. I can trust him and I choose to love him through our ups and downs.

THE TRUE SELF

I spent a huge part of my adulthood brewing hatred in my heart. Hatred for myself for not being good enough, for my mom and dad for not showing me affection, for my dad for not acting like a father and for hurting my mom, for society for not listening to those struggling, for filthy rich people for hoarding so much wealth and committing atrocious acts in the name of power and money, and for God for letting such things happen.

It's SO EASY to hate, to speak ill of people, to shout out frustrations, to CONSTANTLY complain (there are times when it's healthy to vent out, yakno). But it's SO HARD to love especially if you grew up never having a model of what it is to TRULY love. It's hard to see the good things in myself, like how I used to be able to hold space for friends and my partner when they need me, or like how I would always try to feed strays if I had food in my bag, or like how I make nice art, or like how I used to be able to be care-free and smile at people. I'm not trying to toot my own horn but I, and everyone else struggling with self-love, need to acknowledge the good in oneself without fear of being called arrogant. I do get frustrated about my parents sometimes but I no longer hate them. It's good to want to protect and heal my inner child but I also had to recognize that my parents were once children too who had traumas or experiences that led them to be who they are now. It's no excuse for all the things that are in the past but that's exactly what it is. The past. I, they, will not forget about the past but it's all up to us how we use what we know now from past experiences. I still get angry when I see the suffering that people and animals go through under oppressive environments, I still believe every single one of us in this planet has a responsibility for community and that everyone has the right to demand transparency and accountability from elected public officials who VOWED to serve and protect the people, I still believe that no one has the right to hoard SO MUCH disposable wealth when there's a huge portion of the population suffering from poverty and hunger despite being hardworking individuals.

I still get very angry but now it's my job to turn that anger into action and to use that along with love, to help those that I can. That's why they say love is a courageous act because it takes commitment to persist through pain and everything that life throws at you. I must find that courage.

The truth is I am a recovering people-pleaser, have anger issues, have so much shame, struggle with setting healthy boundaries and have a hard time organizing my thoughts. That is why I thought to come back here on Tumblr to try and pour it all out here. I could write this all on paper but... who still does that?? Just kidding. I felt this would be more convenient and my hand would hurt less.

Anyways, back when I and my partner just started dating, he asked me a very loaded question a few weeks after we became officially a couple. "Sino ba talaga si Tintin?" I didn't know what to answer and how does one even answer that? Do I talk about my hobbies? I love art, music, movies, my dogs, exploring different aesthetics, makeup and so many things. Do I start trauma dumping? Like, our mom who shed blood, sweat and tears to provide for us didn't show physical affection to us as children? Or how I will now look at every man I have some connection with and hope he isn't like my father?

If I could go back to the time he asked me that, carrying with me the things that I now know, I honestly still wouldn't be able to answer that. I can't spend the rest of my life trying to figure EVERY single thing out. All I can say is that I want to love and be loved. As cringey as it sounds, there isn't really much that I can do than be actually present in the moment whether I am alone or with my family, my dogs, my friends, my partner, my co-workers or whoever is in the same space as I am.

Am I really authentic now? I don't think so but as long as I am alive, my journey to self-discovery and authenticity never ends.

hi, it's been a while pt. 2: twitch love meta

had to cook coz im very hungry

so, 2021, yes. (i know i'll be skipping a lot of things on part two because i will be focusing on my experiences on twitch) *back to the update* i was ALIVE. i loved people. PEOPLE. IMAGINE!?!? i moderated streams and loved welcoming people, making them feel good, including them in conversations, inviting them in events, having friendly banters. i did stuff for streamers that i saw as friends. stuff like stream overlays, discord servers, giving advice or insight about streaming. wait, i know it's weird that im giving advice as im not streaming but i like to observe other big streamers and learning about growing as a streamer/content creator. well, i could say im good in theory but that's just about it. it will still be up to them if they'd follow thru with the advice or not as they know themselves and their community better than i do. who knew socializing could be wonderful?? certainly, not me, one who grew up socially awkward lol

late into that year, i met someone who was very persistent with messaging me and as a people pleaser and someone who doesnt have "boundaries" in their personal vocabulary, i entertained this person. weirdly, we got together january of the next year (2022). we were together for a month and i can say it wasnt a relationship between mature people. i dont wanna go into details as i dont want to paint someone in a bad light. we were just incompatible. the last week of that relationship was the first time ive ever felt anxious. you know that feeling of your stomach turning and aching even when you havent eaten yet? that relationship lasted for a month. i cried for a while but didnt feel too lonely as i had great friends from Twitch. one, in particular, who has left kind messages to me since 2021 every time i felt lonely or even just during the holiday. one who will be a very significant part of my life from then.

lmao is this update gonna become a love story???

summer of 2022 (april-june), he's been dropping hints that there is someone he likes. the hints were vague so i refrained myself from assuming anything as i didnt want to look foolish. early june, we were both in a friend's stream chat and he was dropping more hints and the day after, i mustered the courage to ask him what he meant by the things he said on chat and then he confessed (GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH <3). i was honest that i wasnt ready then for anything more than friendship and he was cool with it but after a month, i confessed to him that i liked him too (uwu). we continued on being friends after a few more months. i have to add that i was thinking that he's still hung up on an ex and i didnt want to push for anything because i dont want to be someone's placeholder. late october, we talked about us, if we're both ready for a romantic relationship and we took the leap and became a couple. we've been together since and it's september 2024 now. during those two years, i've lost several friends, had family problems but he was my constant, my rock, my light. we've had good times, great times, sad times, petty fights, big arguments. we've also almost broken up for around 3 times. the closest was june of this year. we fought thru it. we wanted to try again. now, my boyfriend, my partner, my best friend, the love of my life, is in the hospital. he had a mild stroke and heart attack and i've never been more scared for him. he's conscious now but still isnt able to talk. later tonight, i'll try to talk to him and hopefully provide some moral support because we've been in a long distance for the past two years. now, im no religious person but i pray to whichever god is up there to protect and heal the man that i love most. hopefully he recovers soon. we still have so much to do and have so many dreams to turn into reality. i miss his voice...

hi, it's been a while

i don't really have a format in posting nor do i have a draft as i type this atm. tumblr has been my go-to site for dumping all my thoughts since 2011, my dreams, things i find funny or pretty, my frustrations. but then i stopped. i cant even remember when. expressing myself was so easy back then. my thoughts and emotions poured SO easily and i was able to articulate them. now, at 30, my brain is a mess. rotting from misuse. my attention span has gotten worse since the age of short form content rose.

just a few thing about me, im an introvert, i love dogs and coffee and music and movies. i used to love reading and writing but im trying to incorporate those things back into my life despite my busyness, despite the tiredness from being an adult working in a corporate setting.

anyways, now that im sitting in front of my PC. yes MY PC. i never thought id be able to own one hehe. now that im here i can say my life was never boring. it wasnt as adventurous or full of exciting things but it was never meaningless.

after i graduated from college in 2015, i struggled to find a job. i was jobless for four years. during that time, i was stuck at home, cooking, cleaning, helping my mom and grandparents as i didnt want to be a burden. it helped a lot that we had dogs that i never felt alone. i was sad, struggling mentally but i wasnt alone. i came over to a friend's house every now and then to hang out with her, watch movies, eat and talk about mundane things. she was one of the few people that kept me sane. then at some point, i stopped coming over, i stopped talking to friends for 8 months. i felt inadequate. i felt shame coz i still didnt have a job until i got lucky in early 2019, my uncle told me to apply for a company nearby and i got accepted. my life was finally getting back on track. the office setting wasnt really as bright and cheery but things were working out. i was able to give my mom some money. i only leave a few bills for myself. i finally got the courage to contact my friends and they welcomed me like i never even left. for that, im grateful.

2020 came, COVID struck. everything turned upside down for so many people. our family was lucky enough that none of us got sick with it. during this time, i got active on twitter and youtube and was able to talk to new people. btw met someone in particular on youtube on 2019 who quite interesting. most of our values aligned. he's funny, smart, nice. we played some mobile game every now and then. we'd chat on messenger. everything stopped after early 2020. i dont know if its because i got locked out of my facebook account or if it's because is started self-isolating again. he was a nice online friend

early 2020 met someone else in person, he was nice but things didnt work out. tbh 2020 wasnt that eventful. it was all a blur. almost fever dream like

early 2021, i created a Twitch account. i aspired to be a streamer in the sideline lmao. not to earn money from it but so i can get over my fear of public speaking. i never got to actually stream properly tho. i instead became moderator for quite a few streamers. some already growing, some only beginning their streaming journey. this time was when i felt most alive. i met several people (virtually ofc) from different countries, ages, ethnicities and cultures. tbc coz im hungry brb lmaoooooooooooo