Coping With Missing Him

coping with missing him

he still hasn't woken up. i couldn't speak to him because his speech has been affected by the incident. for now, i've been watching his twitch vods and clips so i can hear his voice and his laugh again while i'm waiting to speak with him again. now i regret deleting my older accounts without backing up my data. i would've been able to save our conversations. i miss him so much.

i miss him he'd be the first person i hear in the morning and the last one id hear at night. i miss how he'd wake me up on our video call when i dont wake up from the sound of my alarm. he saved me from getting late to work a LOOOOOT of times. i miss how he'd smirk and raise his eyebrows up and down whne he's suggesting something. i miss how he'd laugh at the stupidest things. i miss how, albeit annoying sometimes, he'd interrupt me when i'm speaking because he recalled a random funny or memorable moment in his past. i miss how he'd get so passionate when he's playing games or when he's talking about something he loves doing like games and food. i miss when he calls me pretty. i miss how he suddenly laughs heartily when i do the randomest things. i miss how he'd remember the smallest details about me that i only told him once. i miss how he'd be present and ask if im okay when he feels like im bottling my feelings. i miss how he'd always remind to take meds when im sick. i miss how he looks at me. i miss how he'd kiss me thru the screen. i miss how he'd send long ass messages when he feels like it and i know he'd be typing whatever pops up in his head coz there'll be grammar lapses and so many running sentences coz of lack of punctuation marks. i miss how he'd tell me he loves me. i miss him.

“It’s about who you miss at 2 in the afternoon when you’re busy, not 2 in the morning when you’re lonely.”

— Unknown

STOP THINKING THERE IS A DEADLINE. THERE IS NO DEADLINE. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TAKE YOUR TIME.

I am that bitch

i'm gonna fucking fight my demons and heal from this shit and someday i'll live in a humble home with my partner and our moms (ofc boundaries will be enforced, we're all grown adults) and our furbabies. my partner and i will have a game room with his black with purple accent pc/gaming setup and mine would be white and pink. we'd both be pursuing our passions, him- food and gaming, me- art and animal welfare. we'd spend the rest of our humble human lives enjoying food, talking about mundane things, singing love songs to each other, gaming, probably watching the moon and stars at night, having movie nights and simple dates and loving each other.

i know nothing is certain and nothing is ever set in stone. things may still change but i wanna stop fucking worrying about things that aren't happening yet and just be here in the present. i want to really LIVE.

I feel like I spent half of my life in fear, and now, I have few memories of the things that make life worth living.