' , Maybe When He Started Self-medicating With Cocaine To Silence The Voices In His Head, To Focus On

𝖧𝖾 𝖽𝗈𝖾𝗇𝗌'𝗍 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗂𝗍 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗋𝗍𝖾𝖽, maybe when he started self-medicating with cocaine to silence the voices in his head, to focus on being the son that their father wanted instead of the one he got. And yet even then nothing worked but by the time he realized it? It was the only thing that made him feel anything at the high -- it was the lows that sucked. And this was becoming a low point. Knowing that at one time in their life he and Sarah were closer than this. And now?

He tried to shoot John B for his dad, but hit Sarah instead. He tried to drown her but she'd let him fry. She'd let him go to jail, and whatever happened to him there would she care? Does she care that he isn't well? Ward doesn't. Rose doesn't. Why would Sarah care?

❝ In wanting to live your life for you , you didn't give a shit who you hurt in the process, huh? Not Dad, not Wheezie, not m--❞ he stops himself from admitting anything. Instead he is taken aback by her words of when he stopped being her brother.

❝ And you stopped being my sister long before that. ❞ Rafe spat. ❝ You stopped giving a fuck about me a long time ago. Before any of this you stopped seeing me as your brother and you started looking at me like they look at me.❞

Aside from Ward's constant disappointment he can't deny that it hurt like hell that he went from the big brother to someone she seemed to hate and he doesn't even know how they got there.

the way that rafe acts towards her makes her believe he hates her. that he'd rather see her dead than ever work on trying to fix what's broken. maybe a part of her doesn't realize that she's pretty much done the same to him since everything went to shit in her family. feels of abandonment and uninterest scream inside of her. though she knows she's at fault for walking away, they had given her the push. here sarah was, doing exactly what she feared most -- not meeting people's expectations.

this time sarah doesn't back down. holds strong against rafe's intimidating presence. she knows he can hurt her -- he's bigger and stronger but it doesn't sway her. the words hit their mark. of course it stings to know how litter her father cared. especially have she mourned his 'death' on that boat. "i'm not his little princess anymore so of course he doesn't rafe. i wasn't doing what he wanted. i wanted to live my life for me and he hated me for it. you don't think i knew that?"

"you don't know a damn thing about me anymore rafe. you stopped being my brother the day you wanted me dead instead."

In a world that made me feel worthless , you made me feel something. Like I'm finally enough.

𝑫𝑹𝑬𝑾 𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑲𝑬𝒀 . Outer Banks ( 2020 – ) .

❝ Why would I admit to missing you, when you'd clearly rather be following Sarah like a little lost bitch anyway ? ❞ Clearly confirming that yeah, he misses having his friend around. But he can't come right out and say that shit to him.

He doesn't do emotions for anyone, he doesn't know how. And even when he tried he was hit, slapped, told to 'man up'. So why tell his friend he actually misses having him around?

❝ Never said I owned you, but one thing will always be clear. Friendship be damned you will always choose the girl who won't choose you. ❞

"Right, of course, because you would never admit that you missed me." He rolls his eyes. "Whatever, bro." He holds up a hand and shakes his head, but Rafe just keeps going. . .

"What the fuck am I supposed to do? Just stand here and watch her struggle?" Topper folds his arms across his chest. "If she needs my help, I'm going to give it to her, I really don't fucking care if you approve or not. You don't own me."

i wanna get drunk and kiss a lot and not think for a while

Emotionally preparing myself to do replies on Rafe here in a bit...