I Still Haven't Gotten Around To Reading The Goblin Emperor But I'm Obsessed With How Fans Talk About

I still haven't gotten around to reading the Goblin Emperor but I'm obsessed with how fans talk about it on here they're like NOTHING happens but POLITICS for FOUR HUNDRED PAGES the protagonist is TRAPPED in MACHINES OF POWER and can do NOTHING TO ESCAPE he has NO FREE WILL he also has SOCIAL ANXIETY this is the BEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ

The humans had done it. They had finally made too big a move. They tried to gain three of our planets with some clever legal maneuvering. While some of the points they made were fair (their home planet was close enough to the planets in question that they could have gotten to them in ten years or so, which is fairly standard) it was quite obviously scummy, just a grab for more.

But when we lost the case, we were absurdly angry. One of the planets they had taken had spawned three great leaders and five scientists, one of whom invented a clever upgrade to FTL that allowed us to use it for more than twice the distance on the same amount of fuel. Not only that, but we might have willing to concede the other two to them if they made us a good enough deal, and they had some interesting technological advancements we hadn't reached yet.

When we explained this to them, they apologized an absurd amount, but didn't make any effort to change the outcome. And with this being the insult that it was, we insulted them back, and they made some very ominous threats.

And so, before we declared war, we were already learning as much about the humans as we could. They were alarming, divided into dozens of factions, and some of the worst having reached the top. We were told to pay attention to everywhere, from the big continent holding one of their most influential voices to the tiny areas known for some of their worst crimes.

And of course, when we declared war, they stopped the information access. But that didn't stop us from rereading everything we had stored, and learning to be afraid of their animals (they have so many tiny things that can get down a pore! And then it hatches, and there's a tiny beast with abnormally large eyes inside you!) and the wars they fought. We learned everything we could, and when we memorized it all, the top strategists started trying to infer what they would do, now that they had access to space.

We all assumed they would go for the tactics of the United States, as they were the most influential. When they didn't, we expected the Russians, or the English.

We didn't expect them to unleash a massive amount of nuclear bombs straight at one of our planets - far enough in that it was needed, but not vital.

Over the next few years, their tactics changes, but with the same primary goal in mind. Take no quarter. No prisoners. Just massacre. Sometimes they simply sent in a nuke, other times they painted their ships like ours and distributed out poisoned supplies. One famous case found them distributing completely normal supplies until they got to a military outpost, and gave them bombs in the skin of seeds and meat.

Seven planets and five years slipped out of our grip before we finally, finally managed to beat them back and send them back to their little hellhole that spawned those weapons.

We later learned what nation was responsible for those tactics. A fairly large one in land mass, with a population that was easily surpassed by some of their biggest. One that was known for being sort of a joke among them.

Yet still, we whisper the name of "ka-na-da" with fear and hatred in our hearts.

HFY story prompt

humans become the Canadians of space

(If you know, you know)

(If you don't know: when the sorry stops, the war crimes begin.

I made the announcement as soon as I saw the clouds gathering. Clouds shouldn't be purple and pink at high noon, and most certainly they shouldn't have flashes of rainbows.

The Candy Storm is coming, and the only known antidote is H. P. Lovecraft.

“Attention passengers, this is your pilot speaking. Opening your flight window shades is now prohibited until further notice. The airline is not liable for any psychological distress experienced from viewing outside.“

Some people can fly, others can teleport. Some people can bend steel and turn it into a fully functioning catapult, where before it was just an I-beam. Some people can summon anything they need within the blink of an eye.

What can you do, Violet?

I can grow flowers.

Yes, ha-ha, let's all laugh at the flower girl. Look at her name, she was made for this. That's the most useless superpower I've ever heard of.

And it is. Davey can summon fire from his hands, and turn a normal glass into a beautiful goblet. Maria can draw things and make them come to life. I can concentrate for an incredibly long time, and make a tulip come out of the ground and bloom.

Flowers are pretty, but they're not interesting, and I can't even use my power to get cherries or pears, because it doesn't extend to fruit. Maybe I can force an apple tree to bloom before it's ready, but all that does is bring forth the flowers, and no amount of pollen or sunlight or care will bring the fruit before the flowers fall off.

And this is how it works for every fruit-bearing plant that could be conceivably of use. Juniper? They fall off. Peach? They fall off. Strawberry? What berry? All I see are white flowers, most of them turning brown, so I'm not even of use to the agriculture industry.

My flowers are beautiful, but fragile. I hear myself say these words over and over to apply for jobs. I'm not of use to you in the superpower department. I can grow flowers. What do you mean, you don't want anyone without anything flashy? I have the other skills you need.

I apply for jobs that could use me - florists, perfume manufacturers, scented candle manufacturers. Gardeners and farmers, because I can grow the flowering plants big enough to flower. But despite the success I have at these jobs, there's always someone who laughs at me. There's always someone who mocks me.

So I start to live a double life.

I am Violet.

I work at a florist's half an hour away from my house. I am quiet and reserved, but I'm good enough at my job and talking to the customers, so they keep me on.

I can help people with odd requests by growing the specific flowers they need, or if we're out of something, I can grow what we need given enough time.

My co-workers like me. I talk about books and people and flowers with them, but only in a few sentences. I don't talk long, saying what I want to say usually in actions rather than words.

And I am Rafflesia.

I enter the houses of those who laughed, on feet so quiet they don't hear me. I might go straight for their carpets and furniture and grow grass in them - yes, grass does flower - so much so their furniture is ruined.

Or I wind roses, with their thorny vines, through the floors, letting the thorns poke above the surface, cutting the flowers off so they don't instantly recognize the plant.

Or I grow giant hogweed in their backyard, so much so that one couldn't walk in it without brushing up against one or another, and slice the stems of it enough so it's sap will stick to anyone that touches it.

But always, I add a vine, letting it twine its way through every room before extending it's root network so it will be nearly impossible to remove, having it grow in the walls, in the floor. Then, I add the rafflesia flowers, dotting them along the vine, placing the last one in the offender's bedroom.

They should feel lucky. A rafflesia, also known as a corpse flower, only blooms once every nine months.

And it's perfume smells just like it's namesake, left to rot in the heat of summer.

You have a completely useless superpower in a world full of amazing superpowers. You have been a laughing-stock for years, until you started using your powers for evil… nobody is laughing now.

Mate you have a gift

Once an hour, every hour, the richest person on earth dies. This continues indefinitely…

what i like especially about the pronouns in the goblin emperor is that this language doesn't just have the T-V distinction (aka informal vs. formal second-person pronouns, in this case 'thou' vs. 'you'), it also has informal and formal first-person pronouns. having BOTH of these distinctions in the same language lets you fine-tune your tone by mixing and matching. with only one axis of formality, when you use informal pronouns, are you being familiar in an intimate way, or in an insolent or dismissive way? when you use formal pronouns, are you being polite or standoffish? you can't tell just from the pronouns; there's ambiguity. but a language where you can use a formal first-person pronoun in the same sentence as an informal second-person pronoun allows you to distance yourself (via the formal first) while also being familiar (via the informal second), thereby achieving the conversational tenor known to linguists as Fuck Thee Specifically.