I Just Made The Gut-wrenching Connection Between The "you Don't Want To Know Me, I Will Just Let You

I just made the gut-wrenching connection between the "you don't want to know me, I will just let you down" in Castles Crumbling and the "You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking" in Dear Reader...

It’s very much in character for me to have gotten shit-faced drunk and cried about how bts saved my life and for my equally shit-faced friend to tell me that they would love me if they knew me and me repeating it back to them

(And repeat the whole thing atleast 10 mins according to the video proof)

Homecoming

Yoongi x fem!Reader

A/n: Tried writing something for the first time based on this prompt. Let me know your opinions.

Warnings: Angst, non-idol au, first love, second chance trope, fluffy ending, mentions of sex, no smut

Word count: 1.5k

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The cold winter air cuts through my thoughts like a newly sharpened knife and it takes everything in me to not turn back and run to... where do I run back? I just walked away from the only home I've ever known, only to realise it was all in my head.

I walk along the brightly lit festival-ready Manhattan streets. Fairy lights turn into hazy lines across my eyes as I feel the sting from the tears forming at the back of my eyes. I will not cry, not about this... not about him. Funny how life comes full circle, almost an entire decade ago I walked back from school refusing to shed a tear about the boy who shredded my heart into a million pieces and here I am, all the way across the world and a decade's worth of pain to my name, still walking back to an empty house with tears threatening to fall... all because of him, again.

Exhaling a deep breath, as if to tell myself I have breathed out the pain, I walk with more speed. Fumbling with the keys at the door to the house I refuse to call home. My legs give out the second the door locks behind me as I drop to the floor by the foyer, head on my knees, too many thoughts and emotions floating around.

After what feels like a lifetime of staying in that state I hear the door's locks turn around, and my head drops even further into my knees as I already know who is on the other side. I stay there, crouched down with my head bent, clenching my fists, as I hear the soft thuds of his footsteps. I stay still as I feel him crouch down next to me, knees lightly brushing each other.

"Just please talk to me...please" I hear his voice cracking and once again it feels like I'm being punished for giving my heart to him.

"What do you want me to say" It comes out more bitter than my heart intended and I can feel him flinch at my tone. Do not look at him, it will make things worse. "I don't know what I did wrong... I am trying to understand but I don't know and now-" he exhales a shaky breath, out of the corner of my eyes I see him rub his palms on his knees. "Now I feel like I'm losing you." My heart gives out for a second and I look up to see his tear-stained face and bloodshot eyes, his long black hair falling on his face, he looks wan and sweating in the middle of December.

"You're not losing me, I was never yours to be lost." My voice sounds alien to me as the words come out. The look on his face, as he takes my words in, feels like a dozen swords were stabbed right through me repeatedly. He looks distraught, scared and everything I am sure is mirrored in my own face.

"What do you mean by that, of course, you are mine. You are the only thing that's ever been mine" He pleads, tears rolling down his eyes as he reaches to hold my hands.

I move slightly away, "Please... You couldn't even tell our friends we are together. But then what are we really? We met two years back after all those years, started 'afresh' and ended up best friends who accidentally slept together once... that's all right. It was purely physical... at least admit that dammit!" I know I am being brutal, but I cannot be the one falling alone anymore. He is at a loss for words and I continue with a bitter laugh, "I've been asking for your acknowledgement since we were sixteen. Last time you let me go so fast... for what? because you wanted to look 'cool'. You came back and said you wanted to be friends... that night, you made out with me and told me we'd be fine no matter what. You promised not to hurt me again... but you never told me what we are. And then we slept together and you disappeared on me for two whole weeks... do you have any idea how fucked up that is. I don't think you even thought about it. You always escape when this arrangement became slightly complicated for you because I acknowledged my feelings and you couldn't deal with that. Actually, I was so sure you'll go running away the first chance you get... I kept myself in check this whole time just to not scare you away, but when it came out in a moment of passion you left me... without a single fucking word- only to return two weeks later for the school reunion. You were so fucking busy you couldn't even call me but today I find out you helped plan a part of that shindig... the cherry on the cake was when you pretended as if we haven't practically been living together for a whole year and you just screwed me and ran away... but of course, other people always mattered more to you right- back at highschool and now...."

By now the traitorous tears are streaming so fast down my cheeks, burning my face up. I don't even have the energy to reach and wipe them away. He puts his head down in defeat, and I see more tears fall down his cheeks too. He slowly wipes them away

"I know I messed up... I'm sorry" he sounds so little I almost miss it. I cannot get in myself to accept the apology but I hold myself back because I'm done explaining myself, it is high time he does it. Taking my silence as approval, he continues "You are right you know... about me being a coward who can't accept what this is." He lets a bitter deep chuckle, his face reeking hatred for himself.

"This is so messed up because I finally found the answer..." He looks at me eyes full of hope, a bitter smile still spread along his lips and my stomach flips on itself at the first ray of hope. I need to remind myself that the answer could be the end of us too. I just gulp down the bile rising to my mouth and look at him, this time he reaches to hold my hands in his and I let him- too tired for this fight.

"I ran away the other night, I got scared... scared that I messed up the only thing that was going right in my life. I wanted to do everything right this time around. You have no clue how much I hated myself for letting you go the last time around, high school was messed up." I let out a sarcastic chuckle, my heart still beating in my ears and my stomach tumbling with anxiety. He holds my fingers delicately as if it will break if he holds on tighter.

"I actually went home the next day-" my eyebrows shoot up at the new information, "- I was there last week, to talk to my parents. That night when we... after you went to sleep, I got a call from my mom saying she wants me to get settled- in a typical arranged marriage, she was being serious enough that she had already set up a blind date with someone she knew. I freaked out... and went to have a talk with my parents."

"That still doesn't explain the radio silence I received..." I am ashamed at how little my own voice sounds, there's so much new information spinning in my head and the anxiety keeps getting worse by the minute. "Yeah that was stupid on my part, I was very confused. I left and got on the first plane home, all through the plane I wasn't even sure what I was going home to do. I spent the entire 14-hour flight trying to understand everything and it clicked only as I reached home... I don't want anyone else but you. I realised I went there in that hurry only to convince my parents about you.."

He finally releases a breath after saying all that in go, my head is still spinning but I look at him with wide eyes, more tears threatening to fall down- this time with a glimmer of happiness. I was still unsure of how this will end and I hear myself say, "Andd..?"

He holds my hands tighter, clearing his throat before continuing, "And they eventually agreed. After 3 very hard and long sleepless days. I did not want to text you until I knew what I was doing for sure. When I did try to text you the day I was leaving to come back home... you had apparently blocked me.." It's my turn to look guilty, as my stomach does happy flips and I feel my heartbeat everywhere.

"I don't really blame you, from your point of view it made sense. When I couldn't reach you even after coming back, I helped plan the reunion in hopes you will be there. I hope that I can talk to you... make you mine officially..." At this point, I am sure my heart has given out, and it is getting harder to hide the smile creeping up my face, so I bite down hard on my lower lips. Involuntarily my fingers wrap around his, holding on for dear life.

"What are you trying to say... I'm tired of all this back and forth" I say, my nerves reaching new levels of high and hopes high up to the sky.

He moves close enough that there is only an inch between our faces and I try to protest but it gets lost in my nerves when he uses one of his hands to pull me on his waist and I see how sincere and scared his eyes look. I lower my face unable to manage all the emotions raising up my gut and he uses his other hand to make me face him again.

"I am sorry for being a dick, now and then. But this time... I am not letting you go. I waited 8 years in agony to meet you again, and another year having you so close to me yet out of reach. So... this is me saying I love you, with all my heart and soul. This is it for me... you're it. I love you and I'm never letting you go again."

By now my face is entirely wet and I'm sobbing loudly as he reaches to wipe my tears away with his thumbs. I just lay my head on his shoulder and cry for what feels like a good half an hour. He keeps patting my head and lets me cry. Eventually, I gather myself and wipe my tears and look at him, he smiles at me earnestly.

"Well... are you going to say it back or ?" He asks and although his lips are in a smirk I can see the fear behind his eyes. I smile myself and reach to hold his face in my hands before leaning in and closing the distance between us.

We've shared a couple of kisses before- some passionate, mostly hesitant; but this time it is reassuring. This is the kiss of love, of comfort and it is the kind of kiss that feels like home.

"You really are not gonna say the words anytime soon are you?" he asks in between the kisses. I look at him in thought for a minute before shaking my head in negative defiantly.

"You are going to have to work hard for it lover boy."

ok but the mv is so much funnier when you think about the explicit lyrics cuz jungkook got his girl running away from him cuz he wants to fuck too much

she wrote foolish one for the delulu girlies who never leave their house but still believe that true love will find them anyway

Where there's Sunshine, there's Midnight Rain

Pairing: Idol!Hoseok x Reader

Warnings: angst, mentions of struggle, fluff, established relationship, no mentions of reader's gender.

Summary: J-hope is sunshine in human form, but that makes him the midnight rain too. A short imagine of the reader helping Hoseok understand this.

masterlist

Another night, tossing and turning alone in a big bed. Waiting.. hoping, for the one who is the hope for a million people around the world. Another night spent reaching the cold side of the empty bed, staring at the sky counting down the minutes till daylight, sighing endlessly. Another night hoping hobi would return to you.

He's been home for a week since the tour but he hasn't been home since then. Even the bags were dropped off by his manager, who has visited three times since to collect the things he needed. As far as you knew there was no comeback anytime soon. There was effectively no requirement for him to stay over at the dorms at least for the next two weeks. Especially when he has a home studio set up in the house you both had bought together and decorated.

His not being home has become a routine, a habit even- albeit an excruciating one. What hurts more is the silence, even when on tour he texts or calls at least once a day. Sighing you open the same old chat to see the latest message from a week ago, the same text you have seen a million times till now.

Boarding the plan home. See you soon.

You scroll up the familiar chat screen and see that the messages become less expressive as the tour progresses. You also remember how the news articles and fan tweets raved more about J-hope the idol’s brilliance on stage at the exact same time. Another pattern you are used to, for every emoji his messages as j-hope had, Hoseok's messages became curt and to the point.

Once again, this isn’t new to you or him. In fact, you both met at the peak of j-hope and the absolute low of Hoseok. You might not have been a die-hard fan of the group but you knew enough to know j-hope was not the same shy, anxious and silent Hosoek you’d met by chance in that café. The contrast between who he has on stage and the person you grew to love were stark opposites. Not that you never saw the sunshine hobi, but he was present almost in equal parts as the Hoseok who walks around with a cloud on his head.

But Hoseok never went silent on you in this way. He might be verbally silent for days or weeks together but expressed his feelings in other ways. This time he was completely absent and that simply wouldn’t do. You gave him a week to himself and he still hasn’t returned home. This will simply not do.

And that’s how you find yourself at the door of his studio, at 2 AM, covered in layers of jackets and holding a bag of the dinner you’d made him today- just like you have done every day the past week.

You hesitate outside the studio, looking intently at the door as you contemplate knocking. You know he’s there, instinctively and also because you asked his manager. Huffing out another deep breath you knock on the door.

Silence.

That’s all there is for a minute before you try to open the door yourself, surprised to find it unlocked. You enter the room which reeks of the familiar scent that screams everything hobi- sunshine, flowers and carefree happiness, only to find your boyfriend curled up on the couch hugging his knees with his head down. You close the door slowly and go near him, he's shivering. The sight of him shatters your heavy heart and you reach out to caress him.

"hobi...", your voice comes out as a meek plea.

He shudders for a second and lifts his head up to look at you. His eyes are bloodshot, his usually plump cheeks stained with tears and his heart-shaped mouth in a frown. You drop to your knees and hold his face in your hands, helping him look at you eye to eye. His eyes immediately dart down and he lowers his knees. Just as he can try to push you away you sit next to him on the couch and turn him towards you. You hold his hand with a grip that tells him that he cannot run anymore.

"Please leave me alone." He begs, more tears streaming down his exhausted and ashamed face. You offer him a smile, not one of pity or empathy, just a smile of love.

"You had enough time. I won't let you hurt on your own."

Your voice comes out harsher than you intended but it works as he looks up, eyes now curious. In that second of pure vulnerability, he looks like a child. You reach out and wipe those damned tears away from his face and he leans into your touch.

When he talks again his voice cracks, "I knew I would end up hurting you eventually."

"You didn't hurt me hoba." He looks at me pointedly, "Of course, I did... look at us. I spent a week in the studio because I am too fucked in the head to be with you. All the other guys went home and are happily resting with their partners and I left you alone after months of being away... all because I feel like a fraud. Because I can't figure out why I am this way and why I never have any of me to give you. When I should be giving all of me to the one I love with my whole heart."

By this time he is on your lap, your fingers running through his hair, his hands holding your other hand for dear life.

"Everyone is a little messed up in the head. But it is even harder for someone like you who spends all his time giving every bit of happiness and kindness to everyone around you." You hear him sigh and he starts drawing patterns on your palm as you do the same with his scalp. "I don't really do all that you know..", he sounds unsure and you sense the venom of self-hate dripping in his tone.

"They call you human sunshine for a reason hobi."

He freezes in place for a second and nods slightly. You pause for a minute to look at him, really look at this exhausted, loving human who does so much for everyone around him and so little for himself. He notices the long pause and starts with his patterns again on your palm and settles on your lap. You realise that he needs to see himself for all he is and accept all that as it comes. And you hope he will let you stand with him the whole way.

"Hobi, you are human sunshine. I know it makes you happy to make everyone smile, to take care of your brothers and friends. I know you love being the reason to light up someone's day and being their hope. I also know that you do that because it's what gives you hope for yourself. But...". You pause to gauge his reactions but he shows none and taking that as a good sign you continue.

"But the thing is you are not sunshine... you are human. To be human is to understand that where there is sunshine there is also midnight rain. The more you give, the more you need to. To be sunshine is to burn yourself for others and that is not good for you. So it is okay for you to take your time. To soak in your rain, to be silent and just receive. It's okay for you to rest and pause... Hobi, it's okay for you to receive my love and happiness so that you can give it back tenfolds. You are human and you need your own dose of sunshine too."

He looks up at me with wet big eyes, this time the heart-shaped mouth turned upwards. He slowly gets up, never letting your hand go and moves closer and pulls you in a hug. He holds on to you until there is no space between both of you and rests his head on your shoulder. You reach out one hand to caress the back of his head and hold him by the waist in the other hand.

Time ceases to move as you both sit there, him slightly whimpering into your shoulders and you trying to ease all the pain from him. Hoping that the personification of hope himself will learn to accept himself- one deep breath and a tear at a time. Hoping that he can learn to embrace the rain that follows Hoseok by being the sunshine that j-hope is.