Could You Elaborate More On The Topic Of Defending Ourselves (or Our Journey) To Others? Why Do We Do

Could you elaborate more on the topic of defending ourselves (or our journey) to others? Why do we do this? Recently, I left a career and lost a father to cancer. One of the most difficult things has been explaining to friends the path that I am choosing. I have decided to take some time off to explore the things in life that really matter to me. This answer seems to make others uncomfortable. Then I hold back for fear of being judged for my decision. I find myself avoiding certain friends.

Any time I have found myself defensive, it has always come from a place of insecurity. If I have a way I want to be perceived, an acceptance/understanding I want to find from others, or something inside that I’m trying to ignore, then defensiveness arises. 

For example, I had a difficult time finding a job after college. Many places were happy to give internships but then had no intention of hiring further down the line. I switched fields a few times, trying to find something that would click. 

In the meantime, many of my friends were gainfully employed. And just as I couldn’t understand what it was like to be working full-time after college, they couldn’t understand what it was like to be unemployed facing continual rejection. 

I cringed at the typical social questions asking what I do, where I’m going, and so on. 

The funny thing is that those questions are almost entirely insincere. The people asking them have no real interest in your path. They are just seeking an easy way to understand you. “Oh, he’s a banker” or “He’s going back to school” and so on. 

Real life is messy. It doesn’t always come together cleanly. For those who don’t fit into pre-existing schemas, any of those social questions cannot be met with a simple answer. It’s more of a conversation than just a response. But again, most of the people asking aren’t interested in that.

So what do you do? I just stopped explaining and defending myself. Once I realized that people’s thoughts about me were incredibly divorced from the reality of being me, I stopped putting so much weight on what they thought—and vice versa. I don’t put a lot of stock in the thoughts I have about other people.

The only understanding you live with and the only understanding you require is your own. But you must be wholly honest and upfront with yourself on a moment to moment basis. 

And since these “what do you do” and other typical social questions are just bullshit inquiries, I usually just give bullshit answers. “I’m exploring self-consistent field methods for determining wave functions of polyelectronic atoms,” is one way to shift the conversation. 

Try approaching social interaction more like a game of self-expression rather than a battlefield of identity, it is much more peaceful and amusing that way. 

I’d definitely recommend the book The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron. I also lost my father to cancer and I understand it must be a very difficult experience to go through. But you have a wealth of strength and love inside yourself, which you will naturally uncover when you shift your focus from trying to find it outside. 

I will admit, these sorts of circumstances do tend to make clear who your real friends are.

Namaste my friend much love

We all have an infinite, constant path to walk.

Patience

‘The third quality of spiritual maturity is patience. Patience allows us to live in harmony with the dharma, the Tao. As Chuang Tzu stated:

The true men of old

Had no mind to fight Tao

They did not try by their own contriving

To help Tao along.

Spiritual maturity understands that the process of awakening goes through many seasons and cycles. It asks for our deepest commitment, that we take the one seat in our heart and open to every part of life.

True patience is not gaining or grasping, it does not seek any accomplishment. Patience allows us to open to that which is beyond time. When Einstein was illustrating the nature of time, he explained, “When you sit with a pretty girl for two hours, it seems like a minute, and when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, it seems like two hours. That’s relativity.” When the Buddha spoke of practicing for one hundred thousand mahakalpas of  lifetimes, he did not mean that it takes forever to awaken, but that awakening is timeless. Awakening is not a matter of weeks or years or lifetimes, but a loving and patient unfolding into the mystery just now.

“The problem with the word patience,” said Zen master Suzuki Roshi, “is that it implies we are waiting for something to get better, we are waiting for something good that will come. A more accurate word for this quality is ‘constancy,’ a capacity to be with what is true moment to moment after moment, to discover enlightenment one moment after another.” In the deepest way it understands that what we seek is what we are, and it is always here. The great Indian teacher Ramana Maharshi said to students who were weeping as his body died, “but where do you think I could go? Maturity of spiritual life allows us to rest just here in the truth that has always been and always will be.’

- Jack Kornfield, A Path With Heart: A Guide Through the perils and Promises of Spiritual Life.

Good words.

How to heal a broken heart?

Healing doesn’t mean going back to the way things were. Once broken, a heart never goes back to what it once was.

And that is a good thing.

A heart that hasn’t been broken is a heart that hasn’t been used.

The experience of this body and this world displays a whole array of phenomena from the wondrous beyond dreaming to the seemingly endless night of sorrow.

Any heart that genuinely exposes itself will be broken open.

If you wall the heart off and lock it away, the wounds fester and infect your sanity. But if you stay open with the wounded heart, taking care of it but not resisting and running away, then your communion with love becomes stronger than ever.

There is sadness but there is great love.

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." ~ Henry David Thoreau

A cut isn’t made to heal. You give it what you can and the healing happens in its own time. It is similar for the heart. You can’t force it to heal but you can give it what it needs.

Daily meditation and tonglen is the place to begin. I’d also recommend the book The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron.

Namaste much love

Hello, I have been looking into Daoism as a faith. I was wondering if you think it would be against Daoist belief to be Transgender or Gay?

As I have written about before, I don't think it's necessary to consider Daoism as a religion, per se; you could think of it more like a collection of ideas to set yourself more at ease with the world around you. Therefore, it's not as if there are any strict adherents or practices that one must follow in order to be considered a "good" Daoist; you are free to live your life however you choose to live it.

That said, I have also previously written about the need for discernment in our lives when it comes to following our "gut feelings." By checking ourselves before we act on our choices, we can save ourselves a great deal of trouble down the road. I believe a great deal of Daoism's power comes from accepting yourself as you are, which means avoiding unnecessary labels or practices to change yourself. You are you, period. There should be no need to alter one's body in order to more cleanly fit into someone else's categories; if we want to change ourselves it needs to be for ourselves and on our own terms.

I suppose in practice it might seem like the same thing, but clarifying one's own motivation is an important step to figuring out our own identity. In short, there is nothing wrong with being Trans or Gay, but spend lots of time defining yourself before adhering to someone else's labels.

keep it simple, keep it classy.