Night At Faustina's

Night at Faustina's

It was a dark and stormy night. Basil and Casper where trying to enjoy their vacation, but they had gotten lost in the mountains. The maps of the area were all wrong, which made driving a difficult matter for Basil.

“We should have stopped at that motel hours back.” Casper said.

“It’s too late now,” Basil said, “and I’m not even sure I could make it back there in the dark.”

“Well,” Casper said, “we may just have to sleep in the car tonight, then.”

“Look,” Basil pointed, “that looks like a building!”

The faint shapes of small, lighted windows could be seen over the rocks. Basil brought the car to a stop in front of the building.

“It looks like an old hotel.” Basil said.

“If it wasn’t for the lights,” Casper said, “I would have thought it was abandoned. It’s falling apart.”

The lights were on lobby, but there was no one behind the desk. Basil looked for a bell, and found none.

“Hello?” Casper shouted.

After a moment, they heard the sound of someone descending the stairs. A middle aged woman wearing an apron emerged. “Hello there.” She smiled.

“Is this a hotel?” Casper asked. “We’d like a room for the night.”

“Well,” she responded, “this actually isn’t a hotel. It used to be one, but it’s my home at the moment.”

“Oh,” Basil said, “we’re sorry for intruding. It’s just that the door was unlocked, so—”

“Oh, no,” she said, “don’t worry about it. You’re free to make yourself at home here. I’m always happy to have guests.” She put out her hand for a handshake. “I’m Faustina.”

Basil shook her hand. “I’m Basil.”

Casper did the same. “And I’m Casper.”

Faustina smiled. “Actually, I have an unusual number of guests today, so I’ve been quite busy.” She turned. “Come. I’ll show you a room you can sleep in. Or would you like separate rooms?”

“We’re fine with sharing.” Basil said.

Faustina brought the two to a small, cozy room.

“I’m afraid I lost all the room keys, so you’ll have to keep the room unlocked.”

“How much will you charge us for our stay?” Casper said.

“Oh, you don’t need to pay anything.” Faustina said. “You’re guests.” She paused. “But, if you like, there is something you could do to help me out.”

Casper sighed. Basil asked, “what is it?”

“Well, after you get your bags of course, no rush.” Faustina wiped some sweat from her brow. “But, as I said, I have an awful lot of guests tonight, and I’ve prepared dinner for all of them.” She laughed. “Oh don’t worry, there’s enough for you two, too. I know young men like you need a lot to eat.” Casper rolled his eyes. “Anyways, it’s a lot of work to carry all those big trays up and down the stairs.”

“We’re happy to help.” Basil smiled.

“Thank you.” Faustina smiled back. “Just meet me in the kitchen after you’re done unpacking.” Faustina left.

“There’s always a catch.” Casper said.

The kitchen was filled with trays with plate covers. Basil assumed there were plates with food under the covers.

“On each tray,” Faustina said, “I put a note with a room number on it, so you know which room to take each to.” She tightened her apron. “Thank you very much for your help.” She exited the kitchen.

Casper brushed back his hair and looked at the trays. He was probably trying to find the lightest tray, Basil thought. Basil took a tray with two plates on it, and left the kitchen.

He stopped in the hall to look at the note. It simply read: “666.”

There were no elevators, as far as he could tell. As he ascended the floors, he stopped on the third floor. This was the top floor, and the numbers started at 300. Was this a prank? It was silly of him to go up all these stairs. Obviously, there was no room 666.

As Basil sighed and turned around to head back down, he noticed it out of the corner of his eye. It didn’t even look like a door; it was simply a part of the wall itself, with a narrow, rectangular gap around it. In the middle of it, scrawled in charcoal: 666.

Basil pushed at the right side of the rectangle, and it opened inward, as a door does.

“Who goes there?” A voice came from within.

“I’m just here with your food.” Basil responded.

Basil saw a man sitting inside in a large, cushioned chair. The man stood up quickly. “Please, set it on the table.”

As Basil set it down, he heard the door shut behind him. He saw the man returning from the door to sit down again.

“Are you related to Faustina?” The man asked.

“N-no.” Basil straightened up. “I’m a guest, too. She just wanted help with the food.”

“Ah, a guest.”

“Uh, your room was rather hard to find. I nearly didn’t notice it.”

“Yes, I requested this room, specifically. The walls are shielded from any rays that prying eyes may use to observe me.” He removed the plate cover to look at the food underneath. “That was why I closed the door behind you. I hope I did not surprise you.”

“Oh.”

There was a moment of silence.

“What is your name, young man?”

“Oh, I’m Basil. Me and my—uh—friend, Casper, got lost in the mountains, so we ended up here.”

“I am Archibald Armageddon.” The man said. “I am here because my giant unicycle, which lets me travel the skies, burst one of its power crystals.”

“Giant unicycle?” Basil said. “I didn’t see it parked anywhere when I came in.”

“It is invisible to all, except its makers, the Obliteroids of Orgonth, and to the eyes of evolved humans such as I.” Archibald took a bite of green beans. Basil was speechless. Archibald continued. “I’m waiting here for the Obliteroids to arrive. Their the only ones who are permitted to handle the unicycle power crystals. If I tried to replace them myself, I’d be put to death.” Archibald took the other plate and uncovered it. He then set it on the ground.

“Is that plate for someone else?” Basil asked.

“It’s for my pet, Agony.”

Basil then saw a floating dog collar emerge from behind the bed, and approach the plate.

“As you can see,” Archibald said, “Agony is an invisible hellhound.” The invisible dog began loudly chomping on the food. “Be sure not to get too close to him. He’s covered in mouths that will eat anything that comes near.”

“Well,” Basil said, “I must go get food to the other guests.” He turned to leave.

“Wait.” Archibald said. “Tell me Basil, would you like to become an evolved human, as I am?”

Basil turned to him. “Evolved?” He scratched his head. “Well, evolving does sound exciting, but I’m pretty content as I am. I’m not sure if a dramatic change would be a good idea.”

Archibald nodded. “That is wise thinking, Basil. Too many desire evolution without considering the consequences. It’s not something you can undo.”

Basil returned to the kitchen. Neither Casper, nor Faustina were anywhere to be seen. He picked up another tray. One plate. Labeled “232.” Probably on the second floor, then. OK.

Basil knocked on the door. “Come in.” A woman’s voice came from inside.

“Dinner for you.” Basil entered the room.

Inside was a large woman. Her shoulders were wide, and her head brushed the ceiling as she stood, hunched. Her skin was dark green, covered in orange splotches. Her grin showed long fangs amid her teeth.

“Good, good.” She took the tray from his hands and set it on a table. “Stay and talk for a moment. I’d like to look at your handsome face a bit longer. Sit down.”

Basil sat down in a love seat by the wall. She returned and stood across from him, looking down on him and grinning.

“Uh, I’m Basil.” He said. “I’m a guest here too, but Faustina needed help with the food trays.”

“I know.” She grinned. “When you stood outside the door, I could sense that there was a person outside with a good nature. If my machine had not run out of power, I could have changed your nature to an evil one.” She extended her hand. “I’m Sue.”

Basil shook her hand.

Sue turned to the table. “But I do have a small device right here. It can at least make you a bit irritable for a few minutes.” She pushed a button.

The machine made a bubbling noise, and a green ray shot from it and hit Basil.

“What are you doing?” Basil stood up. He shoved the table over, knocking over the device, and making a mess of Sue’s dinner. “What in the world is wrong with you?!” Basil turned and left. He could hear her giggling behind him.

The guests staying here were all crazy, Basil thought. He and Casper would have been better off sleeping in the car.

Basil returned to the kitchen. No one there. Basil grabbed a tray. Labeled “101.” Ground floor. Good.

Basil knocked on the door loudly. “Dinner for you. Open up.” He said.

A moment later, a middle-aged man came to the door.

“Dinner for me, delivered?” He asked. He took the tray. “Why, that’s very kind. When Faustina said she was making dinner, I didn’t think she’d have it delivered straight to my door too.” He set it on a table. “Come sit down, if you like. You probably need a rest from carrying trays.”

“You’ve got that right.” Basil scowled and sat down across from the man.

“I do feel bad to have made you bring this to me. I was about to go check the kitchen myself, to see if I could help, but I got a bit too involved in my reading.” He motioned to a book on the table.

“I don’t need your excuses.” Basil said.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.”

Basil felt something draining from his body. He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m not usually so rude. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Oh, it’s quite all right. I’m sure you’ve had a long day.”

Basil glanced at the book on the table. It read: “Modern Medical Practice.”

“Medical practice?” Basil asked. “Are you a doctor?”

“Yes.” He responded. “My name is Dr. Despair.”

Basil looked him in the face.

“Yes,” Dr. Despair said, “I guess it is a pretty unusual name around these parts.”

“It sounds like the name of a super villain.”

Dr. Despair laughed. “Well, I think I’m much too mellow to ever turn into a super villain.” He smiled. “Most everyone in my family is pretty well-behaved.”

“The Despair family?” Basil asked.

“Yes.” Dr. Despair took the cover off the plate. “I come from a long line of Dr. Despairs. My father’s name is Dr. Despair, and so is my mother’s. I have a son and daughter, and both of them are named Dr. Despair as well.”

“And are both doctors?” Basil asked.

“Yes, of course.” Despair smiled. “In our family, that’s a given. We’re predisposed towards becoming doctors, so we start very young.”

“How odd.” Basil said. “I thought I would have heard of such a family.”

“We’re not from these parts.”

“Where are you from?”

“That…” Despair leaned forward in his chair, “that’s a bit of a long story, actually. No real short way to put it.”

“Well, I do have more trays to deliver, so I shouldn’t let them get cold.” Basil said. But he didn’t move. He sat there for a moment. “Say, since you’re a doctor…” Basil trailed off.

“Yes?” Despair raised an eyebrow.

“Well, maybe you’d have some explanation, or at least find it interesting…” Basil trailed off again.

There was a pause. “Perhaps.” Despair said.

“Oh. Well there’s this very large green lady in one of the rooms here.” Basil said. “Maybe you’ve seen her. But she’s bigger than anyone I’ve ever seen, and her skin is completely green. Well, except for the orange splotches on her.”

“A big green woman?” Despair leaned forward further. His face got pretty close to Basil’s.

“Yes.” Basil said. “I’ve never seen a person like her. I don’t know if she has a condition or something, or some strange genetics. But maybe you have some insight into that. As a doctor, I mean.”

“Yes.” Despair said. “Yes, that’s very peculiar. Do you know what room she’s in?”

“Her room? Well, I’m not sure if I should really say that. You know, for her privacy and—”

“Yes, yes, you’re right.” Despair said. “She really should have her privacy, of course.” He leaned clapped his hands together and leaned back in his chair. “It was not proper of me to ask.”

“Well, maybe you’ll run into her yourself.” Basil said.

Despair nodded. He was looking away, seemingly deep in thought.

“Well,” Basil stood up, “I really should get those other trays before they get cold.”

Despair stood up. “Oh I’m sorry for keeping you. Would you like any help with that?”

“No, no.” Basil waved his hands. “You should eat your own food before it gets cold. Besides, my—uh—friend Casper is already helping with that.”

Dr. Despair nodded. “Take care of yourself, Basil. Make sure you get some time to rest and relax. And if you’d like to talk more later, I’d be happy to.”

“Thank you.” Basil smiled.

The kitchen was empty again. Basil looked at the trays. There shouldn’t be this many left. Basil summoned the memory of the kitchen, as he first saw it. Counting the 3 trays Basil had taken, only one other tray had been taken. What was Casper doing?

“Casper!” Basil yelled. He heard footsteps coming down stairs. Faustina emerged.

“Faustina,” Basil said, “have you seen Casper?”

“No, I haven’t.” She said.

“Come here.” Basil motioned her to the kitchen. “What room did Casper take his tray to?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since I left the kitchen. And I haven’t had time to go back into it until now.”

Basil looked at the notes on the trays. “I took food to rooms 666, 232, and 101. With the trays that are left, what room is the other missing tray for?”

“Oh…” Faustina looked at the trays and notes for a minute. Then she looked up at Basil. “The room in the Basement. That meal was prepared specially, too.”

“The basement.”

Faustina stepped out of the kitchen and pointed at a door. “Behind that door is a staircase to the basement.”

Just then, Basil heard the sound of a commotion coming from up the stairs.

“Die!” A distorted voice yelled.

Sue came tumbling down the stairs and landed into a small table. The table broke under the impact, causing an ornate lamp to shatter on the ground.

Dr. Despair followed her down, carrying a large sword. As he raised it above his head, ready to split Sue to in two, Sue pulled a device from her pocket.

A ray shot out and struck Dr. Despair.

Sue cackled. “This ray should make you more tame for a few minutes. You could use to mellow out a bit.”

Dr. Despair stopped. Anger vanished from his body, and he slowly let the sword down, by his side.

Sue stood up and laughed again. She took the sword from him. “Try that again, and I’ll have a different ray for you.” She stepped up the staircase, presumably returning to her room.

Basil didn’t know what to make of it. He had no idea the source of the conflict, or what they were fighting over, or what could have made Dr. Despair so enraged. But he didn’t like seeing Despair looking so pathetic.

Casper. Maybe Casper could make sense of it.

The basement was dark and full of cobwebs. Basil found a light switch and flicked it. The room got darker. He flicked it back on. The lights had been so dim, he didn’t even realize they were on. Was there really a guest staying in a room down here? Was Casper really down here? Basil didn’t know where else he could be.

Basil wanted to think that Casper had just gotten into a long conversation with a guest, like Basil had. He wanted to think that, but it wasn’t what he really thought.

“Casper!” Basil called into the dark.

“Basil!” It was Casper’s voice.

“Brob!” A deep voice called from nearby.

A large figure emerged from the darkness. “Brob!” It yelled again.

Basil glanced to his side and saw a pickax leaning on the wall. What was a pickax doing here? Was someone digging tunnels? Basil picked it up.

Brob reached towards Basil. Basil swung the pickax, hitting Brob in the arm.

“Brob!” This cry was pained.

“Basil!” Casper cried out again.

Basil ran around a corner and saw Casper. His leg was chained to a wall. Small books and pencils were littered by his feet. Basil swung and broke the chain.

“Thanks.” Casper said.

“Brob!” Brob appeared from around the corner. Basil swung at him with the pickax. Brob batted it out of Basil’s hand.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Casper shot him.

Brob fell to the ground.

Casper slid the small handgun into his pocket. “He shouldn’t have left it lying around.”

“Are you all right?” Basil asked.

Casper motioned towards books on the floor. “Brob had me doing crosswords for him. He was very adamant about it. He threatened me with the gun, if I didn’t cooperate.”

“Geez.”

“See, there’s always a catch.”

“You already said that.”

“But I’m right.”

And then they kissed passionately.

Faustina greeted them when they emerged from the basement. “Don’t worry about the rest of the trays,” she said, “two young men just came in, and they’re handling the rest.”

“Two young men?” Basil asked.

One of them emerged from the kitchen, carrying a tray. He wore a white shirt and tie, and a name tag that read “Elder Cox.”

“Hi.” Said.

“Bye.” Casper responded.

Just then, there was a loud crash from outside. The whole building shook.

“Oh my!” Faustina gasped.

Archibald Armageddon descended the stairs. He was grinning from ear to ear. “The Obliteroids have arrived.” He rushed outside.

Basil and Casper followed.

Two beings were working on an apparently invisible unicycle. Basil assumed they carried a power crystal, but it was also invisible. To Basil, they looked like mechanical feet, but with many more toes than a normal foot. At their tops were gooey shapes that deformed and changed quickly. Those were probably their main appendages, used like arms, Basil thought.

Dr. Despair came out from the building. He stood by Basil and Casper. “What’s going on out here?” He asked.

“The Obliteroids are fixing Archibald’s invisible unicycle.” Basil said.

“I see.” Dr. Despair squinted. “Well, not really.” Basil laughed.

“Great!” Archibald said, approaching the Obliteroids. “Great! Great work!” He gave one of them a pat on the back. “Great work! You young ladies really did a fine job. I’ll be sure to tell your boss.”

The Obliteroids stepped away from the invisible unicycle. In an instant, they vanished in flash of light. Basil looked up and saw a streak of light running up, into space.

Archibald jumped up onto his invisible unicycle. He turned back and waved at Faustina, who had just exited the building. “Faustina! Thank you for your hospitality!” Agony ran from the building, barking, and jumped onto the seat behind Archibald. Then, he pedaled into the sky.

“Wow.” Dr. Despair said, watching Archibald disappear from view.

Basil turned to Dr. Despair. “So, uh, what happened with you and Sue?”

“I killed her.” Despair said. “She tried to kill me with a death beam, but I reflected it with the Mirror Shield of Gelthbaz.”

“Oh.” Basil said. “Did you know her before?”

“Yes. It’s a long story.” He turned to return inside. “If you’d like, I can make us all some tea or cocoa, and we can share some of these stories.”

“That sounds lovely.” Basil said.

Made a zine version of the ray-gun comic. Feel free to print it out and spread ray-gun propaganda around your community.

The Woodchipper 2

[Note: This story is a sequel to another short story, "The Woodchipper." This was revised 5/27/2024]

Amadeus opened his eyes. He looked down on the city. The world was faded and transparent, blurred, and unclear. He could see that the people glowed with life, shining like lights in the fog. He turned and saw Donnie and Clyde. Their forms were faded, without life. They were slowly circling upward, converging towards a hole in the sky.

Amadeus yanked both of them out.

"Hey!" Clyde said,"What are you doing?"

"Yeah," Donnie said, "what's the deal Amadeus? I was about to pass on to an eternity of paradise in heaven."

"Yeah me too," Clyde said.

"Stop and think for a moment," Amadeus said, "we can't just let it end like this."

"What do you mean?" Donnie asked.

"Yeah," Clyde said, "I mean, this kind of is the end, after all. We all died, so it's time to pass on to our eternal reward."

Donnie said, "We deserve a rest after our hard lives, after all."

"If you went to heaven right now," Amadeus said, "you would experience an eternity of dissatisfaction. An eternity with just one regret itching at you. How could you rest like that?"

"What do you mean?" Donnie asked.

"For all of our lives," Amadeus said, "we've had every single thing we've desired. Nothing has ever been denied of us." He paused. "Until… that man denied us our desire to throw that baby into the woodchipper."

"Yeah," Clyde said, "I guess you're right. It would suck to go to heaven without ever having thrown a baby into a woodchipper."

"We will achieve this desire, despite our untimely demise." Amadeus said. "And if the Night Disassembler tries to deny us, we'll throw him into a woodchipper too!"

Darius Dirk watched the procession of school buses full of orphans pass by. The philanthropists of the city had pooled their money together to send all of these poor children on a field trip, to give them respite from their unfortunate lives. Darius pressed the red button. The charges he planted on the bridge exploded. The bridge collapsed, the rush hour traffic started pouring into the lake, towards their inevitable demise. The screams filled his ears as he walked away.

Darius Dirk was 13 months old. He was known as the most evil baby in the world. While he had yet to learn to speak, he possessed incredible abilities. The amount of tragedies he created was uncounted. He had been imprisoned many times, but could simply not be stopped. He was recognized by the broken chains that hung from his arms and legs, clanking as he toddled along.

And then an unseen force grasped Darius. He struggled and cried as it lifted him off the ground, taking him away.

Ozias Ozbek watched the footage on his television. He fidgeted with some screws in his hand as he watched the bridge collapse. It frustrated him. The bridge was breaking into large, sloppy chunks. It was inelegant. If he was to disassemble that bridge, he would have—

Ozzy's phone rang. He picked it up.

“Ozzy, it’s me, Betty!” The voice on the other end bawled. “Clementine has gone missing again! I don't know what to do!"

“Don't worry Betty, I'll find her again." Ozzy put down the phone.

She was the 203rd person to call him about a missing baby in the past few days. It seemed there was a pandemic of baby disappearances. And yet he had yet to find a single clue to the whereabouts of the babies.

The newscaster spoke from the television. "In other news, workers on the docks have been complaining of poor working conditions, claiming the noise of hundreds of crying babies and heavy machinery coming from the abandoned factory is hurting morale. The city has yet to investigate these complaints, claiming noise is a normal part of work."

"If I had 203 babies…" Ozzy thought, "where would I keep them?" He considered the screw in his hand. "That's it! I'd hide them in the abandoned factory! The sounds of heavy machinery and babies crying would drown out any sound made by the 203 babies. No one would suspect a thing."

Ozias threw open the closet. His mask and suit hung in the same spot. "What is it? I was sleeping, you know."

"It's time for you to get to work."

Amadeus tossed Darius onto the shelf next to Clementine. He was bound tightly. Clementine looked at him with a sad, knowing look.

"All right," Amadeus grinned, "that's the last baby in the whole city! Let's get back to chipping!"

Ozias approached the factory. He was clad in his mask and suit, taking the form of the Night Disassembler. The sounds of crying babies and heavy machinery grew louder. Ozzy began to feel a little uneasy. Something about this place felt almost sinister.

He climbed up the side and entered through a door on a balcony.

Inside, hundreds of screaming babies moved down conveyor belts, all converging and running into a single, huge woodchipper.

He would have to disassemble the woodchipper if he wanted to save the babies.

He jumped onto one of the conveyor belts. It was the fastest route to the woodchipper.

Suddenly a ghostly form materialized in front of him. Amadeus's visage appeared, grinning.

"The Night Disassembler!"Amadeus snarled. "You won't disassemble this scheme! These babies are destined for the woodchipper!"

"Don't get in my way." The Night Disassembler stepped forward, over a baby.

Amadeus's ghostly form grabbed The Night Disassembler and threw him down on his face.

"You can't disassemble a ghost!" Amadeus yelled. He grinned. "Donnie and Clyde passed on to heaven after the first batch of babies went through the woodchipper. But I won't be satisfied until every single baby has been chipped!"

The Night Disassembler pulled a screwdriver from his belt. "That seems a bit excessive."

Amadeus lifted The Night Disassembler off the ground.

"Who do you think you're fooling?" Amadeus grimaced. "This 'Night Disassembler' get-up is ridiculous. Everyone knows you're really just Ozias Ozbek, the local mechanic."

"Don't bring Ozias into this." The Night Disassembler said.

Amadeus pulled him closer. "You know, we're not so different. I know how you are. Whenever you see something beautiful or precious, you want to break it down into little pieces. So you should be able to sympathize with me."

"You're right." The Night Disassembler said.

The conveyor belt broke, and The Night Disassembler tumbled off it, onto the ground. Babies poured down onto him, burying him in a pile. He dug himself out of the pile. The woodchipper roared, just a few feet away.

"Damn it!" Amadeus yelled. "I can't believe you disassembled it while I wasn't looking!"

"You should pass on." The Night Disassembler said. "I imagine the woodchippers are much nicer in heaven." He started piling babies into a wheelbarrow. "I'm going to take these back to their homes."

"Stop!" Amadeus said. "Look at that baby in your hand."

Ozzy looked at the baby. He was bound tightly. Chains hung from his arms and legs. His countenance was twisted with hate.

"That's Darius Dirk," Amadeus said, "the most evil baby in the world. If you save him, he'll surely do more evil." He came close to Ozzy. "Do you really want to save this baby from the woodchipper?"

Ozzy considered the baby for a moment. "No." He tossed Darius into the woodchipper. And that was the end of Darius Dirk.

theyve clearly got some kissin to do bro leave them be

I'm very sbeepy. No one is sbeepier than me. Well, maybe somebody is, but it's not a competition, so chill out OK?

I enjoyed the pride parade and festival this year. I think I looked cool.