He's Persistent.

He's persistent.

This is just what he's been taught will win me back.

You want real world examples of shitty cishet male behaviour being reinforced by societal standards? I'm living that goddam nightmare.

Spring awakening

It's beginning to warm up a little, and that does have a tendency to help pull me out of a rut. I had the windows open a bit and was enjoying the fresh, cool air.

Until, of course, I heard the sound of his motorcycle in the neighbourhood. At least I think it was his. I got accustomed to recognizing the different hums each machine made, and I could pick his out easily enough last summer.

The sound used to thrill me; now it brings me nothing but dread and reminds me how easily he could appear out of nowhere this season. So much for a pick-me-up.

The windows are closed again.

Update : John and Jane are no longer together. I know because I do their taxes.

He said this to me while he had me pinned to the bed by my throat and his knee in my my stomach. It was after he had shaken and thrown me onto the bed. He had spitscreamed in my face that I was a useless cunt because I was not making enough money.

He idolized John and Jane's relationship mostly, I think, because Jane bought John a few neat gifts.

Rumour has it John did try to keep Jane in line in the same way I was. And Jane found an outlet similar to mine to deal.

I saw her yesterday. I wanted to say something. I didn't.

“What? You think John* hasn’t ever had to keep Jane* in line? You think I’m the only one who does this?”

* a couples friend of ours. Names changed.

I bought a lipstick today.  He got angry when I spent money on things that weren’t “essential”, so I felt naughty. 

Reality has set in:  How messed up is it that a $6.00 lipstick is a victory?

Hey I just want to say I think you are good enough and deserve happiness and hope and safety from harm.

You are very sweet for taking the time to reach out to me. Thank you for the kind words; they mean more than you know.

“An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination.”

— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men