Abuse and trauma survivor - these are my stories in no particular order. Content warnings and triggers everywhere. Adult blog; 18+ only.
794 posts
Borrowed Time
Borrowed Time
"I’m going to leave you at some point.”
He left it open ended so he could use me, keep me anxious, and hating myself all at the same time.
I wish he’d just done it. Maybe I would have fewer nightmares by now.
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More Posts from Enoughdonegone
Fears
I’m concerned that I can attribute some of my recent progress to being with someone else. I worry this makes the steps forward I’ve made “artificial” and if she and I should ever split I would crumble and regress.
About a year ago he stopped texting me, after months of one-sided harassment.
Today I am all fucked up about it. Today I am stressed and restless and hurt and angry and sad and mourning my past and what I thought I had.
And I don’t know how to explain any of it.
There are nights when I'm lying in bed next to her, where I'm safe and cozy and I should be happy.
But I'm not. I'm restless. I'm angry without purpose. I'm stressed. I'm sad.
She brings me so much joy, but he steals it.
I can’t sleep tonight
Having no other adult experience with an actual relationship outside of him, I have fears.
I feel like I’m allowed to be human with her. I’m comfortable blowing my nose and flossing in her presence. That doesn’t sound like much, but it’s progress.
More than anything I feel animated, like, alive. I can laugh loud and silly, and be excited about trivial things; I can take long, windy routes to tell stories, and forget what I was saying mid sentence. None of this phases her. I’m not an annoyance. I’m not wasting her time.
Did I ever feel this way with him? I must have. I remember being willing to take a bullet for him. Does that mean this is all going to fade too?
I worry I’m going to turn into that hallow, emotionless shell again. And that it had nothing to do with him always cutting me down, and everything to do with me just being soulless and horrible.
Maybe all this love stuff is short lived and fleeting for me, and my rotten insides will cause me to hurt her as well.
Reminder: It’s been 74 weeks of no contact.
I am still here carving out a future of my own.
And I can breathe freely now.
Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.