Happy Valentine's Day Who Wants To Throw Themselves On A Fence Spike For Me While Reciting Biblical Wedding
happy valentine's day who wants to throw themselves on a fence spike for me while reciting biblical wedding vows as your last words so i can consume your soul and gain immortality but after confronting god who says he cannot bring you back i become so overtaken with grief that i lobotomize myself to erase my ability to conceive of you in any capacity to prevent my body from absorbing and using you as an eternal battery after which i send myself to a purgatory dream state and you surface in control of my body and defend it from the alien bug soldiers of a murdered ghost planet that are trying to kill me for the sins of the emperor i worship and then i stay sleeping in hell while you end up back in your own body and then my body kisses your body but it's while being inhabited by the soul of the earth and eventually you try to sacrifice yourself for me again but you can't because you're dead now and then i wake up in my own body finally in the same room as you but i faint and get carried off by eldritch barbie before i can hear you assert your devotion to me by calling her a slut. either that or we could get coffee
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More Posts from Giraffewithhumanhands
Please tag/comment where you're from! Submitted anonymously 🤫

i don't know how many people know the existence of it, but this is genuinely:
a) one of the best covers of take me to church i've heard
b) made for the LOCKED TOMB??? like it is the entire animated sequence of gideon the ninth scenes that fit the cover so fucking well
THIS SONG WAS MADE FOR THIS ARE U KIDDING ME
THANK YOU REINAEIRY (AND HOZIER OF COURSE!!) FOR GRACING US WITH THIS MASTERPIECE
Imagine you’re some little evil woman sitting in Hades’ throne room when Orpheus walks in to make a deal to get Eurydice back, and Hades is like “yeah ok, just don’t look back otherwise she has to stay here” then walks out of the room. Almost immediately after hearing the conditions, Orpheus breaks his own neck so that it is physically impossible for him to turn it, and then demands that you gouge out his eyes for good measure. Eurydice then gets really upset because she’s convinced this is a sign that Orpheus hates her and never wants to see her again, and Orpheus is completely convinced that this was a normal and logical thing to do.
You are literally the only person in the universe who recognizes this as an act of love. They both then insult you to your face for thinking this is anything other than very normal (Orpheus), or petty hatred (Eurydice).
You are Ianthe Tridentarius.
Round 5, Match 7: Jawbone O’Shaughnessey vs. Abigail Pent and Magnus Quinn


Art for Abigail and Magnus here (done by @ancientannoyance)
Submitted kids:
Jawbone O’Shaughnessey: Tracker O'Shaughnessey, Adaine Abernant, Fig Faeth, Kristen Applebees
Abigail Pent and Magnus Quinn: Jeannemary Chatur, Isaac Tettares, They also end up as parental figures for Harrowhark Nonagesimus and Gideon Nav
Propaganda under the cut!
Jawbone O’Shaughnessey:
1. “A lot of the main characters of this story have shit parents, and Jawbone, formerly a drug dealer and bouncer turned high school counselor happily opened his home to all of them.”
2. “He's a former druggie that the intrepid heroes met at a club during an investigation. Instead of fighting him, they offered him a job as guidance counselor at their school. He took the job and, after a bit, began dating fig's mom. Kristen was dating his niece, who lived with him at the time. During the final battle with Kalvaxus, he helped Adaine work through a panic attack and gave her anxiety meds. Those meds have a mechanical advantage too, as she would roll for panic attacks. As mentioned in the notes for this post, he makes a pretty incredible speech. Anyways, Adaine's parents abandon her soon after and jawbone offers her a place to stay, along with Kristen (who moved in with tracker), Fig (who moved in with her mom), and the Barkrocks (who they're sharing the house with). Zayn Darkshadow also lives in the cemetery at Mordred Manor, and they took in Aelwyn before she got herself an apartment. So he does a lot.”
3. “Jawbone O'Shaunessy is the single best parental figure in those kids lives.
They rescued him from a bad spot, and time and time again he proved that he was willing to be the stable figure when nobody else was there for them.
Adaine, his officially adopted daughter, has panic attacks throughout the whole first season. During the big final battle, when she's inflicted with the dnd "fear" condition, causing a panic attack, he arrives just in time to help save her from running away fully. When Adaine's parents abandoned her and never gave her treatment for her condition, he's the one who really sees her. He says his famous line "You are not a coward- you have a goddamn medical condition, okay?" He's the first person to give her meds to help, and she's able to get back in the fight because of him. (If somebody else has the whole clip please reblog with it, it definately needs to be part of the propoganda).
He also says "You're easy to love, and anybody who couldn't figure it out is a real bozo." to Adaine in a different conversation”
Abigail Pent and Magnus Quinn:
1. “Okay so that may not look like many kids but the thing is that they arrive at this cursed ass house with their too adopted-ish kids, Isaac and Jeannemary. then Magnus meets Gideon, and is like the only person actually trying to talk to her and show her (it might not look like much mut it's the biggest anyone's ever done for Gideon). Sadly she and Gideon actually never gwt to talk because Gideon has a vow of silence. Anyways then they have a wedding anniversary (nice) which unfortunately ends with both of them being pushed down a fuckass long ladder and dying.
BUT they come back in the next book! AS GHOSTS INSIDE HARROW'S MIND and then they adopt her in there before dying again (also they solve a mystery and are good at it)
YEAH AND ABIGAIL CAN SUMMON GHOSTS
manifesting for them to come back again in the fourth book so they can adopt more kids and die again”
2. “Abigail seeing harrow, gideon, and the terrible teens: "I choose you!"”
'The average necromancer is haunted by 10 ghosts' factoid is a statistical error. The average necromancer is haunted by 0.5 ghosts.
Harrowhark The First (whilom Nonagesimus), the Ninth Saint to serve the King Undying, who created a bubble in the River and is haunted by 200 dead children, the corpse of the Locked Tomb, her dead cavalier, the dead mom of said cavalier, the people who died back at Canaan House and her former cavalier who died in an exploding shuttle is an outlier and should not have been counted.