Weakling

Weakling

I was a hopeless girl. I was romantic. I was pathetic. I wasn’t strong, cynical, sexual.

I was weak, unstable, desiring romance, desiring rest, shelter of a mans arms.

I wasn’t smart enough to be one of the cool ones, one of the ones who ‘got’ it. I was that girl feminists desperately wanted to not exist.

I saw men as stronger than women, and I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be the less strong one.

I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to take care of someone.

I wanted to be able to be gentle, to not have any bite in me. I wanted to be able to look in the eyes of every person with surrender and kindness, with no walls of proactive aggression.

I was unbalanced, unsuited for the world that required well roundedness, not just well-meaning kindness.

people saw me as weak, ditsy, not someone to be taken seriously.

I didn’t want to fight anymore. I wanted to rest. I wanted to have someone else do the fighting and just rest.

in short, I wanted to live in a fantasy.

I wanted to have one job: to love. to be loving. I didn’t want to protect myself anymore. I just wanted fun, adventure, laughter, sweetness, kindness.

I didn’t want to be cool, or smart, or wicked. the cool smart ones were rarely very nice.

the in crowd almost always required a cold callous detachment that I could never even feign to have.

I always cared too much about everything. I just wanted goodness, at no ones expense. I wanted everyone to feel included around me, and no one to feel sidelined.

but I hadn’t the tools to do it.

I wanted softness, roundness, no sharp edges. But I hadn’t the energy to manage it, to muster it up, to maintain it.

I wanted to float. I didn’t want to run into any blades that would pop my frail, thin exterior and bring me sharply down to reality, the ground.

the ground was too miserable, too dark, too bleak, too confusing.

I didn’t understand any of the goings-on of people.

it required so much to be a successful, respectable person, and I don’t think I had maybe 70% of those qualifications.

I was a weakling. I wanted to live in a pocket of secret sweetness, and hide from the world and its venom and vitriol.

I wanted a little world of my own.

I didn’t like the one I’d been born into. 

Went off the meds and went crazy for you Doing anything I could to fit in I have someone at home constantly looking for chinks in my armor I’d been immune to the world for so long Now it’s starting to seep in I’m not the princess of Bel air anymore I’m one of them Where’d my innocence go Are they happy now? Are you happy now Your princess’s dead She’s dead I look in the mirror and I see she’s gone

emptiness

sinking swallowing me whole

is it bad that i like it

that i dont put up a fight

that its nice to finally lift my hands up and give up

give in to the sweet nothingness

float and wallow in it

let it hold my body weight

and hand over the keys so i can take a break

and watch as i cave in

I don’t understand why people are so mean and I don’t know how to survive in this world Trying to get my head screwed on straight it can all be fine when I’m laughing in the car with you The music so loud, drive so fast you can’t hear your thoughts But then I crash and I’m tired and I lay in bed for days I need to rest I tell myself But rest is just a break from life They say I need to live, I need to be alive But I'm tired