Ghost Of You

Ghost of you

summary: You've had a really shitty week, and to top it all off, the guy you've been dating for almost half a year also ghosted you. Just to suddenly appear in your living room with the worst excuse ever, or is it maybe the truth?

Bucky Barnes x Reader (Y/N) 

warnings: low self-esteem, trust issues, mention of violence, injuries, mention of the winter soldier, mention of torture and kidnapping 

words: 3508

You can also read this on AO3. 

and like always English is not my fist language so forgive me for my mistakes 

(GIF not mine)

It has rained all day, and in the early evening, heavy raindrops are still falling from the New Yorker sky. You drop your backpack next to the door and take a deep breath. The cold rain pulls your mood down even further. You had a shitty day. At first you overslept and were late for your morning college class, then your annoying professor talked bad about your last project and one of your fellow students, a slimy guy named Taylor, who kept asking for a date, no matter how often you say no, tried to cheer you up with some stupid sayings. "Maybe chemistry isn't the right class for you" and "In my opinion woman don't belong into science." Of course that didn't help. You had to pull yourself together not to beat him, but you didn't get through four years of studying organic chemistry and to get throw out of college now. In summary, you had a shitty day. Exhausted, you hang up your jacket and peel off your wet clothes. A hot bath will do you good now. While you walk through your small apartment to the bathroom, you check your cell phone. You have a few messages from your friends, an email with updates on your study group, and a missed call from your mom. But of course that one person didn't write to you. You haven't received a message from him for 5 days. Did you do something wrong? Said something stupid? Or is that just his way of telling you that he's no longer interested in you? Actually, you wouldn't think Bucky do something like that, he's a gentleman through and through and even brought you flowers on your first date. Usually you're not like that, you've never depended your mood on a man's attention, but everything is different with him somehow. The last six months you've been dating Bucky and everything has been kind of perfect. He's charming, polite, friendly and treats

 you well, plus he's incredibly handsome. And of course you fell in love with him. How could you not. Frustrated, you put your cell phone down next to the sink and let in the bath water. A bath will relax you, and then you will call your best friend and complain about Bucky. She's going to fall into hate speech about men and wishing again and again that she was a lesbian, then the two of you could get married. Unfortunately, neither of you are really into women. So this is what your Friday evening looks like, a lonely bath and a poor phone call while you cry over your sad single life. Maybe a box of Ben & Jerry's ice cream too. You sink into the hot water and lean back in the tub. The pleasant warmth is good for you and you will notice how your tense muscles relax.But the peace doesn't last long because your thoughts wander back to Bucky. It bothers you a little that you care so much about his attention, but you have got used to them. He usually texts you regularly, asking how your day is, how your classes are going and whether you can keep up with your assignments. Sometimes you wake up in the morning with a message from him telling you that he has a stressful day ahead of him, but he wishes you a nice day and would text you as soon as he can. You sigh, this time you haven't heard from him, at some point he just stopped getting an answer. Actually, you thought everything was going well. Bucky was the first man you trusted again after your ex boyfriend cheated on you after five years of dating. You've been taking it easy, going on dates, hanging out with each other, and feeling like you really got to know each other. He even told you about his nightmares and therapy, even if he never told you the reason, you noticed how difficult it was for him to open up, to be so vulnerable. Bucky met your friends and you wanted to introduce him to your parents by the end of the month. At least that was the plan. But maybe it was all just a trick of his? A trick to get you to bed, a trick that worked. Maybe it's because of this? Maybe you're bad in bed? But he never mentioned that he was dissatisfied. Apparently all men are the same. You shake your head to get rid of these thoughts, then take a deep breath and sink back in the bathtub so far that your head slips under the water. You enjoy the peace and quiet underwater, but unfortunately you run out of oxygen far too quickly, so you have to surface again. The water around you is slowly getting cold, for a moment you think about running warm water again, but you decide against it and climb out of the tub. You wrap yourself in a large, soft towel and grab your cell phone. Of course he didn't answer. Maybe you need a bottle of wine and a romantic comedy, after that you would be better off and maybe you could forget that the guy you had been dating for almost 6 months was ghosting you. You slip into your cozy pajamas, which you put on the bathroom heater this morning. You'd like to pat yourself on the back for this great idea. You leave the bathroom and make your way to the kitchen, your phone in hand, even if you know he won't answer. Have you been too clingy? Or did you tell him too soon that you love him? Wait a minute, you didn't tell him that, only thought a few times but never said it. Your mind wanders to your last date. It was movie night so you guys were watching one of those classics that Bucky loves to watch. And every time you have the feeling he is watching the film for the first time and does not know what it is about. As if the storylines and characters weren't widely known, at least if you haven't lived in a cave for the past 50 years. When you saw Titanic you felt like he was really surprised when Jack died. But maybe you just imagined it all. Maybe you don't know him as well as you thought. After the movie you went to bed and fell asleep in his arms. You remember that the last thought you had was that you never felt as safe with anyone as you did with Bucky. The next morning you had breakfast together and then he drove to work. Before he left the apartment, he gave you a passionate kiss, but he didn't ask when you would next see each other. Something he usually always did. But he called you that evening and complained about his coworker Sam and his constant good mood at work. For the next few days you kept writing messages and making phone calls, but suddenly it stopped. No more calls, no more answers to your message. Not even when asked if something happened and why he doesn't answer you. Complete radio silence for 5 days. You feel the tears welling up in your eyes, but you don't want to cry. Not about some stupid, handsome, charming guy like James Buchanan ,,Bucky” Barnes. Maybe you're just not the kind of woman men can imagine a future with. "Hello Y / N." you jump a bit forward in shock when you hear Bucky voice behind you. Then you turn to him. He's sitting on the sofa in your dark living room, you can only make out his outlines. "What are you doing here?" you piss at him, your heart still beats faster with fright. You turn on the light and when you can see him properly you flinch again. There are cuts streaked through his face, covered with a few patches, he has one black eye, and the knuckles of his hand are red and scarred. His normally bright blue eyes look tired and dull. "What happened?" you ask him and walk up to him, you sink to your knees in front of him and take his left hand in yours and carefully study the many injuries on his face. Now you can also see the bandage wrapped around his shoulder and the large hematoma that runs from his neck and presumably all the way down his shoulder blades and back. Bucky carefully lifts his hand and strokes your cheek. The cold metal on your warm skin makes you shiver slightly, but you lean into its touch. Forgotten is all the anger and sadness about ignoring your messages. "A lot of things went wrong this time." this answer doesn't really make you any smarter. "What do you mean?" you ask confused. "And why do you show up after almost a week of not hearing from you and look like you've been beaten up?" "I'm sorry. I'll explain everything to you. Please can I just hold you in my arms for a moment?" Still confused about the whole situation, you nod and let him pull you onto his lap. His arms wrap around your body and you nestle against his chest. You take a deep breath of his familiar smell, a few drops of water fall from his hair onto your cheek. He smells like shampoo, bandages and Bucky. It's just quiet for a while and you listen to Bucky´s steady heartbeat. "I'm sorry that I didn't answer your calls and that we haven't seen each other the last few weeks. I was out of town, not even in this country." he whispers softly at some point. "Where have you been?" you ask in the same volume. "Can't tell you." You sigh and sit up a little, his grip on your waist tightening a little, as if he's trying to hold you to himself. " Why are you lying?" you notice how tears well up in your eyes. Even when you are so close, you notice this invisible wall between you. Did he lie to you all along? You are tired of being lied to and it makes you incredibly angry and sad. "Please Y / N. I'm not lying to you. There's only so much I can't tell you. I´m not allowed to tell you." he looks sadly past you to the side. "I don't even know how to explain it to you." "Just try it." you want to tear down this wall, you want to know the truth. Even if it could hurt you. Is he cheating on you too? Does he have another girlfriend? Or maybe he's married and has kids and he's cheating on his wife with you? Does he lead a double life? Bucky takes a deep breath. "You know I have these nightmares." You nod and look at him carefully. "In these nightmares, I see my past. What happened to me or rather what I did. Although I actually didn't do it, not voluntarily. But I did it anyway and that haunts me. And because of that, I go to the therapy. Well, that's why I'm still doing it. It was ordered by court." "Bucky, it doesn't make any sense what you're saying." Bucky takes a deep breath. "I lied." immediately you tense up again and want to free yourself from his embrace, but he holds you tight. "Please listen to me, and when I'm done and you never want to see me again, I'll understand. Then I'll leave and you'll never hear from me again. Please." "I'll listen." "As I said, I lied." he starts again. "When I told you I served in Afghanistan. That was a lie, yes I went to war, but not this one. I went to war in Europe." Confused, you straighten up again. "What are you talking about? There hasn't been a war against the Europeans since 1945." "I know." Bucky is silent again for a moment. “I was born on March 10th, 1917 and I signed up for the war against the Germans in 1942. My best friend was Steve Rogers. He was made a super soldier and when my unit was captured he saved us. We tried to capture a man named Arnim Zola, but there was an accident and I fell off the train. Everyone thought I was dead. But I wasn't, they captured me, experimented on me, make me a super soldier and then they gave me a brain wash. " Bucky clenches his hands in a fist and you hear the soft creak of his prosthesis. He told you he lost his arm in an attack in the war, apparently that was the only part that wasn't a lie. "When the war was over, HYDRA used me to pursue their plans, and after every mission they put me into cryosleep." It will take you a few minutes to think about what he said. On the one hand, it explains a lot, the scars all over his body, the nightmares, the fact that he sometimes behaves as if he came from another time. But on the other hand, this whole story just sounds like a huge, big lie. Of course there are the Avengers, and Steve Rogers the super soldier from WWII, but brainwashing? Cryosleep? And all of that as early as the 1940s. You just can't believe him. You shake your head and break free from his embrace, this time Bucky lets go of you without hesitation. You take a few steps away from him, he is sitting on your couch and looks at you, his beautiful blue eyes are completely dull from the grief. He looks broken. "I don't know if I can believe you. And what does that have to do with the last few days and why do you look like you've been beaten up?" Bucky takes another deep breath. "A few years ago I was sent on a mission to kill Captain America. But Steve recognized me, he tried to help me. And when the helicarriers crashed, everything came back. I knew who I was again." He pauses briefly, you can see on his face that the memory is causing him pain. You remember the news report, there was talk of a Helicarrier malfunction. You look at Bucky and wait for him to continue talking. "Steve was trying to protect me, a lot of things went wrong back then. He had a fight with Tony because of me. I went to Wakanda to get the brainwashed out, it worked. The trigger words don't work anymore, but the memories are still there. I'm working on it with Dr. Raynor, and in the meantime I'm working with the Avengers now. I'm trying to somehow make amends for what I did then. I'm trying to help now and do what's right." Bucky falls silent and you try to understand what he just told you. Can this really be true? Or is it all just one giant lie? But why would he bother to think of something like that? But the whole story sounds so unbelievable. So unbelievable it could be the truth. "I don't know if I can believe you." you whisper into the resulting silence. "And if you're really telling the truth, why are you putting yourself in such danger? Look at you, Bucky, you're covered in bruises." "I have to do this and it's not really dangerous for me. Give me 2 days and all the scratches will be gone." Scratches. He really calls his wounds scratches, you shake your head in disbelief. He looks like he fell out of a moving car into a chasm and then got a good beating. He would never heal so quickly. "I'm a Super Soldier Y/N, like Steve. The serum makes me heal faster." he answers your unasked question. "Okay, let's say I would believe your story, I still don't understand why you put yourself in such danger? Why don't you do anything else? Why do you do this? What do you have to make up for? Did you kill someone? " "I've killed countless people Y / N. Innocent people. People who didn't fit HYDRA, political opponents, but also civilians, scientists, presidents, monarchs, politicians. And that for more than 70 years. I have a lot to make up for. I'm a killer, an assassin, a monster. As a Winter Soldier, there were no morals, there were no limits. There were only missions. I didn't ask why I should take out my targets, they probably wouldn't have answered me anyway, I just obeyed the orders. I was a weapon, I am a weapon. But now at least I'm the one pulling the trigger." You take a step towards him carefully, placing your hand on his arm and stroking his cheek with the other, tears glistening in his eyes and he leans into your touch. "I can understand if you're afraid of me now." His voice trembles and it almost tears your heart. Suddenly you are sure that he is telling the truth, you believe him. He could never think of something like that. He could never act the suffering, the fear and the pain. "May I hug you?" you ask quietly. Bucky immediately grabs your waist and pulls you back onto his lap, his arms closing around you and hugging you. He buries his head in the crook of your neck and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry I lied. I wanted to tell you but I just couldn't. When I met you I thought wow, how can a person be so perfect? ​​How can a person be so good? I didn't deserve you, not after everything I've done. I didn't want you to know that I'm a monster. I wanted your perfect, peaceful world to stay the way it is. I never wanted to hurt you." “You're not a monster. Even if I can't quite grasp the whole situation, I know this for sure. You are not this person anymore, this … this…” "Winter Soldier." "Yes exactly, this Winter Soldier. You are not that monster that you are describing. It cannot be. The Bucky I know is nice, attentive and caring, you are one of the best people I know.” "But I wasn´t always like this, I am this monster, or I was and a part of the Winter Solider is still in me.” "No!" do you contradict him. "You're trying to make things right. You realized it was wrong. And you said you were brainwashed. Everything you did as a Winter Solider wasn't your choice, it wasn't your fault. These HYDRA people used you, you are a victim as well as all the people they had killed." Bucky's grip tightens a little, and only now do you realize how strong he really is, how long he had to hide his true power. He did it not to scare you, he lied to you because he doesn´t want to burden you with his trauma. He wanted your life to be free from the shadows of his past. You feel something wet drip onto your shoulder, and it takes you a moment to realize it's Bucky's tears. You carefully stroke his short hair, trying to calm him down. "I am sorry." he whispers into your neck. "You don't have to be sorry. I'm glad you told me the truth and I'll try to understand it. I'll try to help you. We're a team after all." "You won't leave me?" "No. Of course not. How could I leave you?" you take a deep breath. "I love you." Bucky flinches, then pulls away from you to look into your eyes. "I don't deserve your love." "Do not say something like that." He leans in a little to put his lips on yours, it's only a brief touch, but it makes your heart skip a beat and causes a pleasant warmth throughout your body. "I love you Y/N. I've wanted to tell you this for so long, but I was scared the whole time. I'm sorry if I hurt you, I didn't mean to lie." "It's okay. Sure, I've been mad and hurt and I've cursed you and sent you to hell more than once in the past week, but I understand you better now. Thanks for telling me." You kiss him, then lean back into his arms, the pain is gone from his eyes and he has a hint of a smile on his lips. Bucky hugs you tightly and gently strokes your back. You don't know exactly how long you've been sitting on your couch like this, but it's a nice feeling, you feel safe with him and you're glad that invisible wall between you has started to crumble. He opened up to you, told you the truth and showed you that he trusts you. And you're sure he has no idea how much that means to you. How much he means to you.

This isn't "goodbye", this is simply "see you later" - Series Part 1 : Goodbye my lover

Summary: It was suppose to be a normal Thursday. But this Thursday brings you the worst news you can imagine. Your boyfriend John has volunteered for the army and is going to war. The love of your life will leave you and you can't bear to let him go.

Pairing: John Shelby x Y/N 

Words: 4240

Warnings: Angst, mention of death, swearing, Mention of sex (not explicitly described) 

A/N: Timeskipes are marked with ---

English is not my first language. All mistakes are my own. 

Part 1/3

You can also read this on

AO3 

                            Part 1 : Goodbye my lover

The rain pounds on the ground and leaves Watery Lane as one large mud puddle, the dirt splatters over your boots and stains your dress up to your knees. But you don't care, you're completely soaked anyway. Of course you forgot your umbrella at home. You quickly run down the streets to Polly's house and open the back door. As you step into the kitchen, you are immediately enveloped in a pleasant warmth, which comes from the fire in the fireplace. You put the basket full of purchases on the table and try not to dirty the whole kitchen floor. ,,Hello? Someone there? "You call into the quiet house." Aunt Polly? " "I'm here dear." Polly comes from the betting shop, which is full despite the rain. "Did you get everything?" You sigh “Of course not. There are no more potatoes, only beets. " "There will be better times again." Polly goes to the cabinet and takes out the old coffee can in which she hides her money and takes out a pound note to give it to you for your purchases. "It's okay." You say and start to put away the food. "Y / N" starts Polly, but you don't let her finish. "I don't want your money." "And I don't want your handouts." Polly sounds a little annoyed. "It's my father's money as well." Your father would probably kill you if he knew that you don't spend his money on new clothes as you claim, but to buy food for the Shelbys. You know that Polly is too proud is to ask for money, but you also know that times are bad and that the war is making it difficult to support five children. "Besides, you're feeding me anyway." You add, and Polly finally clears the money away with a sigh. "Thank you Y / N." "Not for that, you're family." The Shelbys aren't really your family, at least not yet. “I change quickly and then I cook. Are everyone at home? "  "No, only Ada, Finn and I are there. Unfortunately I don’t know, where the noble gentlemen hang around.  “All right. So cold food for the Shelby brothers. " Polly laughs lightly as you slip off your dirty shoes and then run up the stairs to put some dry clothes on. "Y / N!" Ada comes towards you halfway up the stairs and immediately grabs your hand. "You're freezing."

“It's cold outside." "Not that you get sick." She paddles and then pulls you into her room. You quickly slip out of your wet dress and put on one of Ada's dresses. Your best friend is sitting on her bed and has that special look on it, which she always has when she messes up. "What happened?" You ask as you slip into dry socks. “Freddy was here. He knew Tommy was away. " “And?” You ask, you can't suppress your grin. Ada has always been in love with Freddy. "He kissed me," she whispers and then begins to giggle. "Oh Ada." You call happily and take her in your arms. "He said he really liked me." “And what did you say?" "That I like him too." “And now?" ,,I don’t know. Tommy will be angry. " "Don't worry about Tommy for once and enjoy your first great love Ada. You will miss the feeling once you are my age." You say and brush one of the brown strands of hair from her face. You are mostly annoyed by Tommy's alpha male behavior anyway. “You´re not even two years older than me.” “But almost.” you say and wink at her. “Ada, Y / N. I'm hungry. "Finn suddenly shouts through the house. You and Ada roll your eyes. "Who raised this child?" "Nobody." Ada laughs and jumps up from her bed. She leaves the room, grabs Finn, who is standing in the hallway, and takes him in her arms. "Will you help us cook?" "Arthur says that's women stuff." "Arthur has no idea about women's stuff, you shouldn't listen to him." You say and ruffles his hair. "Okay, then I'll help you." It's so easy to convince children of something. If only it were the same with adults. Then you don't have to lie to your parents and tell them you're in nursing school when you actually go to the Shelby's every Thursday. Ada lets her little brother get on his feet again and he runs into the kitchen. Finn isn't really a help in the kitchen, but he enjoys helping Ada and you and so you pretend you have important tasks for the little one. You are about to peel the beets when the kitchen door opens and Tommy, Arthur and John come in cursing. "Shit weather. Fucking rain, that's unbearable" Says Arthur and hangs his wet coat on the rack. “Don´t curse before Finn.” you said and hit him with a kitchen rag. "Is the meal fucking ready yet?" Asks Tommy with a curious look at the pots you are cooking in front of you. "Not yet." Ada replies, and hits her brother on the back of the head with the wooden spoon. "And it doesn't go any faster if you're in the way." "Wow Ada, you are in a fucking good mood today." Laughs John, then his gaze meets you and his smile becomes even wider. "Hello princess." He comes up to you and wraps his arms around you to kiss you on the cheek. "Hello Love." You say and nestle into his arms. John Shelby is the love of your life, and you couldn't be more grateful that you found him at the age of only 14. Despite all the difficulties your families have made you, the last years have been the best of your life. "God, I'm getting sick with all this cuddling and kissing." Arthur says. "Please do that in John's room." “Please do not! The walls are extremely thin and I have the room next door." says Tommy. John gives his brothers an angry look. Even though you spend at least one night at the Shelby house every week, there hasn't been anything Tommy could have heard. “Boys. Be quiet. Y / N comes from a decent family, you still know what is proper. And how often should I tell you that no one curses in front of Finn?” Polly calls out when entering the kitchen. "Now put on dry clothes, otherwise you will get sick. Then you wash your hands and help Finn with the table-setting. And don't you think you don´t have to tell where you've been all morning. " You and Ada start laughing when the three brothers make faces to match the weather outside. It doesn't take long, and the food is on the table. Of course, Tommy, Arthur and John skilfully avoided setting the table by simply spending the rest of the time in their rooms changing. Polly's little kitchen is filled with the smell of food, warmth, and the feeling of family. During the meal, John's hand lies on your knee the whole time, you can't deny the butterflies that are dancing in your stomach. Polly waits for everyone to finish. "Finn please go upstairs." The little boy looks at his aunt annoyed, but then does what she says. John tenses next to you, Arthur avoids all looks, only Tommy remains calm on the outside, the only sign of his tension is that he is pulling harder than usual on his cigarette. All three of them know that they can't evade Polly anymore, and by the way they act you know that they screwed up a lot. You and Ada exchange a curious look. "Where have you been?" Asks Polly, her tone revealing that she will neither accept discussions nor lies. The three Shelbys stay silent, they are silent until Tommy has put his cigarette out in the ashtray. "We enlisted ourselves." It will take you a second to understand the meaning of his words, then it hits you like a slap in the face. You turn to John. "You did fucking what?" "I'm going to France." He replies without looking at you. "No." you shake your head. "No way!" you jump up, his hand slipping off your knee and leaving a cold chill on your skin. ,,Absolutely no way" "I don't think that's your decision Y / N." Tommy interferes. "Shut up." You hiss at him. John slowly gets up from his seat, his gaze searches for yours and he raises his hands reassuringly. "Y / N please listen to me." ”No! I don't want to listen to you, and you won't go to war either. " "None of you will go to war," says Ada, there are tears in her eyes and she is clutching Arthur's hand as if she could hold on to him. "We have to go there sooner or later anyway." Tommy tries again in a calm voice. "Better later, then." Says Ada. “Ada, Y / N. Calm down. "Says Polly, but her voice also trembles with suppressed anger. “Calm down? The fuck no! This is crazy, this war is crazy, and you will die over there." Now the tears are running down your cheeks. You shake your head, give John another disappointed look and then run out of the kitchen. As you run, you slip into yours Boots and run out into the street, of course it's still raining. "Y / N!" You hear John calling but you just keep running. Actually, you wanted to slam the door behind you, but John was faster, catches it and follows you. He caught up with you in a few steps. "Wait." He takes your hand and pulls you towards him. You try to pull yourself away, but he's stronger than you. Not once did John say that he wanted to go to war. He didn't even mention this goddamn war. “Let me." “No. Please listen to me." “No, I don't want to listen to you. Why should I? You're doing what you want anyway! You go to war, leave me here, and then you die. Don't even think for a second that I'll sit here and wait for you while you do the stupidest thing you've ever done." John looks like you punched him in the face or kicked him in the balls. Or both at the same time. "You won't wait for me?" His voice trembles. John's voice never trembles. You look into his blue eyes and see only pain, pain and tears. You have never seen John cry and this second it breaks your heart. You don't want to be the reason he's crying, ever. You feel as if there is no more air in your lungs and your words burn like poison on your tongue. More and more tears run down your cheeks as you shake your head and nestle against his chest. "Of course I'm waiting for you." You sob. "Please don't leave me." John hugs you like he's never going to let go of you. “I won’t leave you. Never." You completely forget the rain and the cold. The only thing that matters right now is John. You take a deep breath of his scent, trying to memorize how his arms feel around your body. “Then don't go to war. Don't go to France. " “I must. If we don't go willingly, they will soon force us. You know that. At least now it´s our decision. Please understand that." You hate yourself for it, but of course you can understand him. "When?" You ask, tears are still running down your cheeks, John looks at you and carefully wipes them away. “In a week." he whispers and blows a kiss on your lips. Your heart contracts and you dig into his shirt. In a week, you only have one week with the love of your life.

---

“You're too late." “I'm sorry. I had to do something. " "For Tommy?" You roll your eyes. "You go to war tomorrow and still he uses you as his errand boy." “I'm not Tommy's fucking errand boy. I just had something to do. Please don't argue with me. Not on our last day. " You sigh, tears come to your eyes again, the idea of ​​being separated from him tomorrow will tear your heart apart. "Hey, princess, don´t cry. I'll be back before you can really miss me. "He strokes your cheek and presses you a light kiss on the lips. ,,Come on now! I have a surprise." “A surprise? You?" "Yes, I've thought we´re doing something romantic today." You can't help but laugh. "You?" John gives you an angry look and lets go of your hand, he turns his head to the side, but you can see his cheeks turning red. "Then not and stop fucking laughing. " Immediately you stop and grab his hand to pull him towards you. He allows it, but his posture is still tense. “I'm sorry. But Jonny Boy, your idea of ​​romance is drinking a bottle of Whisky on Aunt Polly's roof. " "Star gazing is romantic." "So do we look at the stars?" You ask and press him a kiss on the cheek, finally he smiles again. “No, not today. Come on now, wifey. " Your heart skips, sometimes he calls you that and every time you can't help but smile at the thought of being Mrs. Shelby one day. John takes your hand and starts walking. He pulls you to a car and opens the passenger door for you. "Where did you get that car from?" You ask in surprise as you climb into the car. You have never driven in a car and somehow you are also sure that John has never driven too. "Borrowed from a friend." “You don´t have any friends. Did you steal it? " "Would that turn you on?" He grins cockily at you. "A little bit maybe." "Be quiet or I'll take you here and now in this fucking car." You feel the blood rush to your cheeks and you lower your eyes. John starts laughing and starts the car, to his surprise he really seems to know how to drive. You drive for a while, away from the dusty roads and smoky air of Small Heath until the area becomes rural and through a small forest. You breathe in the fresh air deeply, the sun shines through the leaves and warms your face. John parks the car in a small clearing and climbs out of the car. You want to open your door, but John hits the hood once. You flinch and look at him in shock. "Stay seated." He says, comes around the car and opens the door for you. You roll your eyes, but then take his hand and let him help you out of the car. "Since when are you such a gentleman? If the other Peaky Blindes would know. " "Just for you." He says and kisses you, you wrap your arms around his neck and pull him closer to you. John breaks away from you and smiles at you, then he takes your hand and pulls you across the clearing to a large picnic blanket and a mountain of pillows, with a picnic basket next to it. You stop and notice how tears well up in your eyes. "Did you prepare that?" “Yes. I wanted to do something special. " "John .." you start and notice how a tear is running down your cheek, John sighs and carefully wipes it away with his thumb. "No more tears today, princess." "I'll try." ,,Let's eat. I'm hungry and Polly has made sandwiches. " You sit down on the soft blanket and John gets the sandwiches, a bottle of wine, a bottle of rum and a pack of cigarettes from the picnic basket. "You want to drink all of that?" You ask, slightly amused, as you take the bottles. "Maybe I need it." He whispers, so softly that you are sure you shouldn't have heard it. So you don't say anything and just smile. You enjoy the sandwiches and drink a little of the wine. After dinner you snuggle up to John and let the sunshine on your face. He puts his arm around you and pulls you to his chest, carefully drawing small circles on your upper arm. You take a deep breath of its familiar smell and wish that time would stand still. You wish that tomorrow never comes and that you two could lie here on this blanket forever. You wish there wouldn't be a war, there wouldn't be strict parents, and somehow also that there would be no Peaky Blinders. You just wish there wasn't anything that John could take away from you. "Y / N?" His voice breaks the silence. You lift your head and look into his beautiful face. John sits up a little and takes a deep breath. "I love you." “And I love you." “I know. And I know you don't want me to go to war. " "I understand that you have to go." John smiles slightly and strokes his light hair. “Yes, you understand. You understand me, always, and I couldn't be happier to have you. I know the next few weeks will be difficult. For you, for me and for our relationship. I'll be far away and I don't know how often I can write to you. "John takes another deep breath." And there's a small chance I won't come home. " Suddenly you get a bad feeling in your stomach. Is he breaking up with you right now? ,,I will wait for you. I'll wait for you my whole life if I have to. "Your hand shakes as you reach for his. “Can you please let me finish? Only once! "He says with a slight laugh. "Sorry." You say and look at your hands. John puts a finger under your chin and forces you to look at him. "I don't want you sitting around at home all the time, feeling sad and waiting for me to come home." He actually wants to break up with you. "I want you to be happy." "No!" You interrupt him. "No, you won't do that. It won't happen, ever." John looks at you in shock, his eyes suddenly full of sadness. "You're not breaking up with me now." You claw his hand as if you could stop him, as if he weren't stronger than you, as if he couldn't just tear himself away from you. "You think I want to break up with you?" Suddenly a smile plays around his lips and his eyes are full of joy again. That confuses you even more. “Yes, but that won't happen! You can't break up with me, I won't accept that. You said you love me, and I love you! We're not breaking up. You go to this fucking war and then you come home to me. And I'll wait here, write you letters and miss you until you get home. I'll wait until you come home. "Your voice almost cracks as you keep talking. “God Princess. I don't want to break up with you, I'm trying to ask you here if you want to marry me! " You look at him in shock for a brief moment. “Oh."

"Oh?" Asks John, a little uncertain. “Yes. Yes of course I want to marry you. You idiot! I thought you'd break up with me! That was a shitty marriage proposal! When you propose, the other person doesn't think you want to break up. " "If you don't let me finish again then I won't propose to you." John laughs and presses his lips to yours. "Are you quiet now so I can ask you the right way?" "But I already said yes." “Wifey! Shut up and for God's sake let me finish. "He says in a mock angry voice. You bend up again and kiss him. "Okay." You whisper to his lips. Then you sit up a little longer and look at him waiting, but you cannot banish the smile from your lips. John reaches into his pocket and pulls out an engagement ring. “Y / N. Would you do me the honor and become my wife? " You look at him in silence for a brief moment, exactly until his gaze becomes uncertain again. “Yes." John is breathing heavily. "You're going to bring me to the grave." You laugh and pull him back to you to kiss him. "I love you and don't say anything like that." "I love you too, princess." John takes your hand in his and carefully puts the ring on your finger, it fits perfectly. Tears well up in your eyes, but this time it's joy tears. You will become his wife. John kisses you again. "You promised not to cry anymore today," he whispers to your lips. "I said I would try." You answer and wrap your arms around his neck, you never want to let go of him again. The kiss becomes more intense, you bury your hand in his hair and pull him even closer to you. "I love you." You whisper between two kisses. "Not as much as I love you." He replies, his lips wandering over your cheeks to your neck. You let yourself sink back on the soft pillows below you, and John follows you. His warm body over yours, he leans on his upper arm so you don't feel his weight. John's lips find yours again and his hand moves over your body to your hip. You press yourself against him, your hands move to his neck and when John bites your lower lip lightly, you scratch your fingernails lightly over his skin. John moans softly.  You wrap your legs around the middle of his body, his hand wanders from your hip to your thigh, while he pushes your dress up slightly so that his warm hand runs over the skin of your leg. Your hands wander from the back of his neck over his muscular shoulders. John's lips wander back to your neck, first he spreads feather-light kisses on your skin, when he suddenly bites you moan softly. A pleasant warmth flows through you and you want to feel John even closer to you, you want to feel his skin on your, his hands on your body. John's hand moves slowly up your thigh. You have been at this point over and over again over the past few years, usually your body is tense now and you flinch away from its touch. You know he's waiting for it, he's waiting to pull back and hug you and whisper in your ear that it's okay and that he loves you and that he can wait until you're ready. But today you don't want to flinch. You are so flooded with happiness and love that it feels right, you feel ready. So you don´t flinch when his hand reaches the center of your body. “Is it okay if I touch you here?” His voice sounds darker than usual and leaves you with a pleasant shiver. You nod. “Words Princess.” “Yes, it´s okay. John I want you.” He comes off your lips to look you in the eyes..

“Are you sure? We don't have to do that. We can wait till I get back, we can wait until our wedding night. Or longer. I don´t care." “But I do care, I am sure, please John, I don´t want to wait any longer. Please. Make me your wife.”   He groans softly at your words, then he kisses you again full of love, passion and affection. John is careful, he takes his time to explore your body. You exchange whispered vows of love and promises about the future, about a future together. He doesn´t just take your virginity, he makes love to you. And when you lie sweaty and out of breath next to each other, you have the feeling as if your heart is jumping out of your chest for sheer happiness. John pulls you into his arms. “I love you, my wife.”

---

The platform is full, people crowd everywhere to say goodbye to the soldiers. You stand between the people, nestled close to John. “I'll come back to you. I promise you. " he whispers. “I'll wait." You kiss again, his lips taste salty from all the tears that run down your cheeks. Then you break away from each other. You look at him and try to memorize every little detail about him. You want the sight of him to burn in your brain and in your heart. John hugging his aunt and sister, and you are saying goodbye to Arthur and Tommy. Arthur kneels in front of Finn on the dusty platform and takes him in his arms. “You are the man in the house now. Take good care of our women and our business. Got it?" "Got it." Finn tries to sound brave, but he's crying too. Even if he doesn't really understand why his brothers have to go. The brothers get on the train, which leaves a few minutes later. Ada clings to your arm and cries, Polly pulls you both into a tight hug. “The three of them will be back soon. Don't worry, they'll all be back soon. "It sounds more like a prayer, and god you want to believe her.

----

Part 2 

When he’s away

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: Bucky gave you two things to do while he was away. Staying safe proved to be the harder of the two. 

Word count: 2.7k

Warnings: Angst, mild violence, some language 

Masterlist

You’re pretty sure Bucky is going to kill you. He gave you two things to do while he was away for his month-long surveillance mission. The first was to take down the Christmas tree that had been up for far too long. You thought it was cute but unfortunately, he did not. Not to brag or anything, but you got that done on the first day he left. 

The second thing was to stay safe. Now, arguably, this is out of your hands for the most part. You know he meant not to stay out too late, make sure to lock the door, always be aware of your surroundings, but staying safe is almost an impossible feat in New York City. 

Your shared apartment is right down the street from a group of rugged looking teens that you are kinda scared of, and literally a week before Bucky left, your downstairs neighbors got into a physical altercation over misplaced mail that had the police banging on the door. New York City definitely isn’t one of the safest places in the world, but you always have Bucky with you. 

He always has a hand on your back when the sidewalks get too busy. He’ll pull you to his chest when a cyclist gets too close to the curb and you’re too busy reading the sticker someone slapped on the crosswalk to notice. He always makes you sit closest to the door on the subway, just in case he needs to get you both out at the next stop. Your least favorite thing is when he threatens the men who sit on the steps and catcall you, but hey, it gets the job done. 

Maybe you got a little too comfortable knowing he was always there to watch out for you. His head on a constant swivel to make sure his best girl was safe, even when you were too oblivious to notice. Maybe if you hadn’t gotten so used to that, you would have noticed the man following you home before you led him straight to your front door. 

Weiterlesen

I know there is hope in these waters, but I can’t bring myself to swim, when I am drowning in this silence.

There was an idea… to bring together a group of remarkable people. To make them work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that we never could.

A Relationship with Bucky Barnes:

Headcanon: Your life with Bucky over the years Bucky Banres x Y/N  warnings: none  Words: 2742 English is not my first language. All mistakes are my own.I hope you enjoy reading.

You get to know him during your university internship for Stark Industries. In your first week you get lost in the Stark Tower and suddenly find yourself in a large training room. Bucky is hitting a punching bag and when it rips out of its anchoring you can't suppress a shocked scream. He whirls around and stares at you. "Who are you? And what are you doing here?" he asks in a dark, angry voice that sends a shiver down your spine. "I'm Y / N, Tony's intern, and I got lost." you whisper and notice how the blood rushes into your cheeks with shame. Immediately Bucky will calm down, you are not a threat. "Come on I'll show you the way, I always got lost in the beginning." "Thank you, Sergeant Barnes." you say, still embarrassed "Bucky." does he improve you. "Thanks Bucky."

 And suddenly you keep bumping into him. They are random situations. You meet at dinner in the cafeteria, at the same time you call it a day and meet in the parking lot, funny enough, his car is always parked near yours. You will always find something to talk about. When your car doesn't start one evening, he immediately offers to drive you home. As you sit in the passenger seat in his car and his scent envelops you, you notice how your heart starts beating faster. It will take another three days to realize that you are in love with him.

On the last day of your internship, he suddenly appears in your office. “Bucky? You ask concerned, who has never been in your office. "Today is your last day." It's a statement, not a question, but you answer anyway. "Yes." Bucky seems kind of nervous, something you have never noticed on him. "I took your spark plugs out of your car." he says in the ensuing silence. "What?" you ask, confused, you have no idea what he is talking about. "I manipulated your car so that I could drive you home. I know that was not okay at all. But I wanted to spend more time with you and that was kind of the only way I could think of. I know it was stupid. I'm sorry. "And then you realize that your meetings weren't that random. You take a deep breath and scrunch up all your self-confidence." Are you going out with me? "Bucky was expecting an outburst of anger or that you are disgusted, but not this question." That was my text. "He says after a moment of silence, in which you have become almost insane." Is that a yes? "You ask uncertainly. "I'll pick you up at 8. “

He brings flowers to your first date. You have a wonderful evening together, and he will bring you to your doorstep in the evening. "Would you like to come up for a coffee with me?" you ask him, he has held your hand the whole way, but now he lets go of it. Bucky suddenly seems insecure. "I've seen a couple of shows and movies that Sam recommended to me and well in those movies coffee always means sex and Y / N you're really great and I like you, I really like you. But you know I'm a little older and was brought up differently ... " "I really only meant coffee." you interrupt him and blush at the same time, you really just wanted to be nice and didn't think how he could interpret your question. "This is embarrassing now" he says. "It's cute. And I like you, too, Bucky."

Two weeks after your first date, he asks you if you officially want to be his girlfriend. You say yes right away.

When you are in his apartment for the first time, you are a little shocked. He has hardly any furniture, nothing in this apartment is personal and it looks more like a hotel room. His duvet and pillow are on the floor next to the bed. "Do you sleep on the floor?" you ask, he looks to one side, ashamed. "The bed doesn't feel right." he closes the bedroom door. "Can we talk about it another time? Would you like to watch a movie?" Actually, you want to force him to talk to you about it, but you know it has something to do with his past as a Winter Soldier, so you nod. "I'll be here when you're ready." you say and kiss his cheek. "I think a film would be nice." He brings you home in the evening, kiss you at the doorsteps and waits until you're in your apartment and turn on the light in the kitchen. You know he does this to make sure you're safe. Even if you find it over the top, it's kind of cute too and you feel protected.

You don't often notice that Bucky comes from another time, only in some points it shows. For example, it doesn't take long for you to find out that he has no clue about social media. And he doesn't even try.

"Snapshot" "Snapchat" "Whatever."

He writes you love letters and you collect them all in a box under your bed.

"I sleep on the floor because the bed is too soft. It feels like I'm lying on cotton wool and sinking into it. Then I feel like I'm suffocating." He whispers one evening when you're watching one of your favourite movies. You turn to him. "Can I help you with this?" you ask him softly, your voice trembles but your heart leaps with joy because he opens up to you. "Dr. Raynor says it's a symptom of my trauma. But I'm working on it with her, don't worry about me.” "I'm your girlfriend, it's my job to worry.” you say with a crooked grin. “Thank you for opening up to me" you add.

You say "I love you." first. It just slip out on one of your coffee dates. Bucky picked you up on his lunch break from your morning class at university and you went to his favourite café. A cosy little café with fresh cakes and delicious coffee. Bucky tells a Story of a malfunction of Sam's wings, which caused him to hang under the ceiling in the training room and not be able to land. His eyes sparkle happily at the memory, but instead of reacting to his funny story, the three words just slip out of you. Bucky falls silent and just looks at you. "That was my text."

He introduce you to Steve and Sam first. He's taking you to the game night in Steve's apartment. "You really do exist." Sam greets you at the door. "Shut up." Bucky growls and hits him on the arm. "Ouch. Be careful with your super soldier strength, you could have broken my arm." says Sam in a playful tone. "If he wanted to break your arm, your arm would have been broken." Steve interferes. "Y / N, nice to finally get to know you. Bucky has told us a lot about you. Come in." you enter the comfortably furnished apartment. "Hopefully only good things." "Please he keeps telling you how great you are." "Shut up Sam or I won't just break your arm." Bucky interferes. You smile you kiss his cheek.

He introduces you to the other Avengers one by one, and it doesn't take long and you have girls' evenings with Natascha and Wanda.

"Do you want to get to know my parents?" "You want to introduce me to your parents?" "Yes. You're coming to town for the weekend. If you don't want to, I can understand." "Of course, I want to meet your parents."

He's nervous when you meet your parents for dinner. Your mother will take him to her heart right away. Your father doesn't. Nobody is good enough for his little princess.

But fate is on your side. At dessert, two children approach you uncertainly. "Can we have an autograph, Sergeant Barnes, sir? Please." the little boy asks uncertainly. "And a photo?" adds the girl. Bucky smiles friendly, even if you can see how uncomfortable he is in the situation. "Of course." he says and signs on a napkin. You take the mother's cell phone and take a few photos of the kids and Bucky. "Thank you, Sergeant Barnes. You are my favourite Avenger." "You are welcome." the children happily run back to their table. "I'm sorry." Bucky turns to your parents. "Oh, that's not a problem at all." answers your mother. "Sergeant Barnes? You served?" "Yes, 107th Infantry Regiment." your father nods approvingly. He is a patriot and proud of his military career. “Y / N finally has a boyfriend who knows what it means to be proud of his country. Not like the last one who didn't even have a real job. "You roll your eyes." Paul was a web designer and worked for a food blog. "" I have no idea what half of these words mean, "says your father "Me neither” Bucky agrees, and your father has accepted your new boyfriend.

You've been together for 4 months when he stays overnight for the first time. The whole time he was afraid to scare you off with his nightmares. But he didn't have any that night. Bucky slept the whole night and when he woke up the next morning, he felt more rested than he has been in a long time.

But Bucky's hopes are dashed when the nightmares return a few weeks later, the fact that you lay next to him didn't help that night.

You wake up to hear a heartbreaking scream full of pain. You quickly turn on the light. Bucky is rolling in the sheets next to you, cold sweat is on his forehead and all his muscles are tense. You carefully try to wake him up, but you can't. "Bucky, Bucky wake up." a hard blow on his chest finally pulls him out of his nightmares. When you look into his dark eyes you flinch, these are not the friendly, warm blue eyes that you are used to. Only pain, suffering and death are reflected in these eyes. It takes Bucky a second to realize that you are not a threat to him, that he is not the Winter Soldier and that everything is fine.

That second scares him to death. "It's too dangerous, I could have killed you." "I trust you." "Don´t do it." "I won't let you leave me! You said you love me." "I'm doing this because I love you Y / N! I could have killed you." "It was only a second and then you knew where you are." "One second is enough." A cold chill runs down your spine at these words, but you shake your head anyway. "No! I get through this with you."

You are talking to Dr. Raynor, and ask how you can help Bucky. She has a few useful tips, but even those don't help every night. Every time Bucky is awakened by one of his nightmares, you hold him in your arms. You whisper soothing words, rock him back and forth a little like a child until he manages to fall asleep again. Bucky always feels guilty in the morning that he wakes you up, but you don't care. "I told you I get through this with you." "I do not deserve you." "Ey! I'm not that bad." "It was not meant like that." "I know I love you James." "I love you Y/ N."

The hardest thing for you is when he's on missions. Every time he's gone you almost worry, even if he keeps saying that it's not a big thing and that his job isn't as dangerous as it seems. Still, you hate it, but you also know that his job is important and that it is important to him.

 you miss him too much, you take the letters from the box under the bed and read them.

You travel together a lot, Bucky wants to see all the places he was as the Winter Soldier, but this time as himself. "I want to replace these memories with new ones. With good memories. And with you I have the best memories."

You find out you are pregnant when he is on an extended mission.

You call Natascha immediately crying because you are not allowed to call him, but you need someone to talk to. 20 minutes later she and Wanda are at your door.

"I thought you were taking the pill." "Apparently it doesn't help against super soldier sperm. Oh god! I'm having a super soldier baby. And I have to quit my studies." "You're almost finished, there is still enough time to finish the semester before the baby comes. You just take a break. That is the least of the problem." Natascha speaks calmly to you. "Don't always worry so much Y / N. Everything will be fine for sure." Wanda agrees. "You have to calm down now.” “ I can't calm down! Bucky and I have never discussed the subject of children, what if he doesn't want one? Or if he doesn't want one with me." "I doubt it."

You have to wait two more weeks for Bucky to come back.

When you tell him with tears in your eyes that you are pregnant he hugs you tightly and whirls you through the air with joy. All the fear that he would not be happy is gone. "That breaks my whole plan a little." he says, still smiling. But it gives you a stomach ache and tears come to your eyes again. "If you don't want a child with me, I understand." Bucky's eyes widen immediately. "What? No. Don't you want children with me?" "Of course! I love you, but we never talked about it and I don't want to ruin your plans for the future and ..." "Doll! Not another word." you fall silent and look at him. Bucky smiles at you from above. "I didn't mean my future plans. Actually, I had planned to wait until it gets warmer, take you to Corny Island, ride the Ferris wheel with you and ask you if you want to marry me at sunset." He rummages in his pocket and pulls out a beautiful engagement ring. You clasp your hands over your mouth, tears well up again, but this time for joy. "You just have a ring like that in your pocket?" "I've been carrying it around with me for weeks. I didn't want you to find it while cleaning up or anything." "Yes." is the only thing you can get out Bucky grins slightly and then shakes his head. "That will not do." he takes your hand and goes down on one knee. "Y / N do you want to do me the honor and marry me?" "Yes, of course. Yes!" he puts the ring on your trembling finger and kisses you.

Bucky was brought up differently than you, he comes from a different time and that's why it's important to him that everything is in the right order, dates, marriage, moving in together, children. He never said it, but you know it. You know that it is important to him and that after all these years in which he had no control over his life he wanted at least a little order now. Your pregnancy brings a bit of a mess in this order. So a week after his proposal you sit down at a table with Wanda, Natascha and your mother and plan the perfect, small wedding. Your mom doesn't know you're pregnant and you want it to stay it that way until after the wedding. It would take place in 2 months, and until then you should be able to keep it a secret. "Why the rush?" asks your mother. "Because we love each other."

And it's the perfect wedding. You marry the perfect man, in the perfect dress, in the perfect place. When you exchange vows and Bucky puts the gold wedding ring on your finger, tears run down your cheeks, but you are very calm. You are not nervous or afraid of the future. Because with Bucky by your side, you know that you can do anything. You have the feeling that in this moment all parts come together perfectly and when you see blue eyes in Bucky, you know that he feels it too.