The Walls Kept Tumbling Down In The City That We Loved..

The walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved..

Ya know I really want to type out happy things. I want to write that I'm happy, my grades are up, my attendance is top notch, my professors are amazing, haven't been sick in a while, that I'm FANTASTIC!!

But that's the thing, I'm not. And I know that there's quite a lot of people out there right now, probably not reading this, feeling this way.

I'm scared. Simply put, I'm scared.

I'm so scared for what's to come that I'm not able to live my now and I dont even know what even IS coming..

My 2nd sem starts tomorrow, and I tried to open my book and I just blank. I dont know what I'm going to do in class. I'm scared to even drop my course, because if I do, what next? What new course can i do? I cant not have a college degree, right? Will I be okay if I dont have a college degree?

I've been tried so hard to catch up to something that I dont even know, I've forgotten whom I used to be..

But if you closed your eyes, does it almost feel nothing's changed at all ...

There are these small pockets, small moments when for a small while I forget about my impending doom and I feel calm. Just for a little bit.

Then the walls come tumbling down again...

Tell me how am I gonna be an optimistic about this ..

Have you read Murakami's Norwegian wood ?

I've only just started and I already feel at home.

When Naoko talked about our inability to accept our deformities, for a moment I almost forgot that I was reading someone else's words.

It felt too personal. If I'd known how to express myself, that's how I would've done it.

Naoko's fears regarding whether or not the outside world will accept their deformities- I couldn't help wonder whether we were all hiding from ourselves..

Each of us, hide parts of ourselves from others- even from our closest friends, because deep down WE are afraid of how they'll see us.

Parts of ourselves WE feel are wrong, deformed, things that do not conform to the

normal archetype.

I think Deep down, we just want to be accepted by ourselves.

It’s hard being a rope.

One moment you’re just mindin’ your own business, holdin’ up a jungle bridge…

…and the next, you start appearing and disappearing completely at random.

No wonder the bridge is falling – some silly civil engineer decided to use transdimensional supports again.

I thank you.

I like what i am now,  little bit broken. I am glad I am. A few months back I was a complete mess. You left me so broken. And maybe you were sad too. But you’ve found someone new. And you’re happy. By god did that kill me. 

I’m glad you did. because if you hadn’t i wouldn’t have realized how little I meant to you. How futile our love was to you. I tried so hard to pretend it was all fine, that seeing the two of you together did not kill me. Heaven only knows the nights i cried myself to sleep. 

You told me that you found yourself with her. well good. But i was left behind on the ground to up the pieces of my shattered heart.

Nevertheless i picked myself up. It still hurts, seeing the two of you together, happy, but not as much. I am able to push aside the thoughts of what we were and how we could’ve been. I can look past the hurt and the pain you’ve caused. I may not be able to let myself love again anytime soon, but i will..eventually. 

More than anything I’m proud of myself. i picked myself up without anyone. I didn’t need another person’s affection to feel close to whole again. I can’t wait to fall in love again. Maybe this time I’ll fall for someone who’ll love just as deeply and just as honestly as i will them. Maybe this time I’ll do justice to my emotions, to my fears, to my dreams ...and to my love. 

I don’t blame you, I thank you. 

With love,                                                                                                                the one person you meant the world to 

Hope, that’s where I went wrong.

You were my first. I didn’t know what love was.

I didn’t know what it should’ve felt like.

But I’d hoped it felt like you.

I loved you, with everything I was. I gave to you everything I had. I knew you inside and out. You became a part of me.

And I’d hoped I were a part of you too

It wasn’t always a bed of roses.

We had our ups and our downs, but we fixed it for each other.

And I’d hoped we always would.

Each time time we fell apart, I was always here.

Even when you walked away, found others, more than once, I was always here.

Because you came back to me.

And I’d hoped you always will.

But you didn’t.

You killed the love I thought you were.

You ripped me right out, like I were nothing more than a button in your life.

And you walked right away.

Maybe that’s where I went wrong, I hoped.

I’d hoped to receive the love I gave.

Or maybe it was that I waited.

I couldn't walk away. Even though you did.

No matter how I tried, I couldn’t.

Because I’d hoped, deep down I’d hoped, you and me would be what we once were.

Even now, a year after you walked all over my heart, I see you, and I hope.