Real Life Acting

Real Life Acting

This may come as a shock to no one, but I’m not usually the most interesting person to be around in real life. While others are talking or doing things, I’m often lost in my own space, saying very little and not moving much. At best I’m usually invisible to others in the room, and at worst I’ve sometimes come off as cold or disinterested.

It turns out, in practice, that my first reaction when something happens is usually... nothing. My emotions are very responsive, but that stays entirely within my head; it doesn’t translate to anything tangible - my body isn’t emotive, and my brain is too busy processing to come up with something to say. This is probably 90% because of autism, but the other 35% is just because I was never around enough people growing up. There’s no social instinct that tells me what to do.

So my solution is to act out how I’m feeling. I put a megaphone to what my brain is processing and speak it out, putting effort into being as expressive as possible. In an almost cartoonish manner, I become a character who represents what I truly feel inside, and clearly showing others what that looks like.

In a way, this feels disingenuous, like I’m just overreacting and pretending how I feel about everything. Yet it is how I feel about everything - just not how I would react to it normally. And as I practice more and people respond favorably, it has started to become instinct in a few cases, a truly genuine response. In a way, I’m finding my own voice!

Plus, since I have little prior experience, I’m able to start with a blank slate and mold it into the character I want to show myself as. I get to choose the kinds of responses I give, ones that (hopefully) make people feel comfortable and happy. Of course, that’s still a work in progress, but I like to think that it’s working ^_^

I have no idea how much of this makes sense to read, but I hope it gives an interesting glimpse into how my introverted self is trying to break free from being stuck in my head all the time!

Catching Up: Working Full-Time

In one of the biggest moves I've had to make in my entire life, I started working full-time in March of this year (2019). All at once, I had to get my first car, look for my first place, and live somewhere new by myself for the first time. Thankfully, due to a series of miracles, everything worked out, and I am now a Real Adult! [citation needed]

The tagline I give to people unfamiliar with my work is that "I make software for boats that drive themselves." It's certainly not what I expected to be doing with my life; I wanted to make video games, but it turns out that's a really unstable industry to work in. Thankfully, working on remote boats isn't too far removed – there's a lot of UI work, 3D visualizations, AI path planning, and other video-game-y stuff! Quite often I struggle with understanding how to do all that, but everyone there is wonderful and more than willing to help me out.

The first few weeks of getting adjusted to my new life were really rough. I'd had jobs before, but they were part time, other people drove me to and from work, and I still lived with my parents. Rather than a gradual process of learning to drive, then to work, then to live on my own... I had to do it all at once. Even with some experience doing these things individually, it was completely overwhelming. Having several mental health issues did not help with this; I was sliding backwards every week, with less and less energy for myself. It's hard to get adjusted to adult life when you don't have any life left.

Luckily, the company has an excellent accommodation process. I was able to lower my work hours to 32 hours per week, which has significantly reduced the burden on my energy levels. This was actually a dream of mine since college – to work 30ish hours a week, so I could still do things in my spare time. I'm still struggling to do very much when I get home, so I'm not quite there, but I'm happy to be this close to my goal!

In addition, my mom moved in with me over the summer (more on that later). She's been helping with cleaning and cooking, for which I am eternally grateful; I never notice when things need cleaning, and all my attempts at cooking took three times as long as they were supposed to.

Unfortunately, between not having a degree, and working less hours... I don't make a whole lot of money. In fact, I'm paycheck to paycheck now that my mom is here with me. I have no money left to save, and often have to dig out of my savings when something goes wrong. And apparently, due to a company restructure, no one knows if they're getting raises or Christmas bonuses this year, so I might be stuck with this for the long term.

Obviously, I could bump up my work hours again. But it ultimately wouldn't make enough of a difference, even if it wasn't complete self-sabotage on my health. Mom's been looking for a job, but hasn't been able to land anything, even after dozens of applications. I could stream more or set up Ko-fi, but I'm struggling with my hobbies as is and monetizing them would kill my enjoyment of them altogether (more on streaming later).

I do have plans on how to tackle all the problems here – my energy levels, finances, and adult responsibilities. However, it's kind of a slow process, and in the meantime, working is the biggest thing in my life, to the detriment of all else. Pretty much everything I want to do with my life is being slowed down by this massive thing that I have to do with my life. It really sucks.

At the very least... the job itself is fine, I haven't missed any payments, the house is taken care of, and we're making it. The rest will come with time.

Catcing Up: Nonbinary

Every time I write about my gender, I struggle with the same issue of not fully understanding it myself. And yet, the more I think about it and try to put it into words, the more I discover, and the more confident I get.

Nonbinary is still the closest I've come to hitting the mark. I'm not a man, and I'm not a woman... I'm Will!

The colors I wore for Pride Month.

I'm fairly certain that being autistic is a strong factor in my gender identity – but that also makes my experiences more difficult to describe. For a long time, I didn't understand gender at all, but I always knew that I felt Other in some way. Watching movies and TV as a kid, I always felt far removed from both the boys and the girls, for reasons I couldn't explain. And any time someone said "man up" or "boys will be boys" in my direction, I always had this weird feeling like, "But... why does anyone care? Why can't I just be me?" The few times I managed to ask, I still couldn't make sense of the answers.

Beyond that... I usually never thought much about it. Gender was never all that important to me unless somebody else brought it up. Instead, I always put more value on "being yourself," since my parents encouraged it of me so much. So even though "nonbinary" is more of an umbrella term, I feel it fits me best – since it gives me enough room to be myself, without having to consider how masculine or feminine I present myself as. It's just a reflection of who I already am!

Outside of that "other"ness, my dysphoria seems to be fairly minimal. As such, I haven't felt the need to change my appearance in real life. This is mostly for convenience's sake, as I'm too lazy to shop for new clothes, and too anxious to deal with people giving me funny looks. Besides, I still use the same name, and I don't mind hearing people call me "he"; heck, most people don't even bring up gender at all. As far as the average onlooker is concerned, I'm just another guy. And so, I "pass" by being completely invisible – much like how I go about the rest of my life, really. (I do recognize how much of a privilege this is.)

Even so, I've been open about my gender with the people close to me, including my friends and my mom. The only people in my circle who don't know are my workplace (which has protective policies for gender identity – I'm just erring on the side of caution) and the rest of my family (not because I'm hiding it; we'll get to that later).

But still, nothing's really changed. I haven't changed my name, my pronouns, my appearance, my mannerisms... I haven't transitioned. In that sense, I almost feel like a fraud. Am I transgender or not? Do I even count as nonbinary? Am I just appropriating this label because it's hip? How long will it be until people figure out The Truth and shun me forever? (Anxiety makes you say really mean things to yourself, sometimes.)

But it's not fake. Calling myself nonbinary may be a small change, but it fits me better than "male" ever did. It's another important step toward figuring out who I am and how the world sees me. And besides, this decision has influenced me in small, subtle ways – by allowing me to define myself the way I want to, rather than what others might expect of me. In choosing my own path, I'm free to be more myself than I've ever been.

And it rocks ✨

Dijon Dunes (60s Rush) | YCC-YLK-9MF

The first course I made for Super Mario Maker 2, modeled after the Retrush level of the same name, Dijon Dunes is a more technical speedrunning course with plenty of ways to bound gracefully over the desert sands. You only get 60 seconds – go for the best time!

ladiesss

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