Peculiar Painting

Peculiar Painting

“Yes, Draco, I understand she’s talented. I’m just trying to figure out why there’s a painting of your dick on the mantel.”

“It’s art. You, an uncivilized heathen, may not appreciate it, but I’m sure others will. According to Pansy, ‘dick pics’ are all the rage with muggles.”

“Fair enough. You’re sure you want to display it in the sitting room?”

“Well—maybe. Oh fine, we’ll hang it above the bed. Give your cock inspiration, you know, to dream ‘big.’”

For the @drarrymicrofic prompt: peculiar. Thanks to @wheezykat for always being delightful and helpful.

Previous microfics.

*Harry going around the castle asking everyone if they have an android phone charger for no reason*

Da Capo - part 5

( Part 1 to 4 )

"Elegy" (French: élégie)  A piece of music in the form of a lament ; also refer somewhat figuratively to a nostalgic poem.

It was a bittersweet goodbye as harry likes to think, to watch draco get on the ministry train and to go back to london and in that one moment of watching draco going away harry only allowed himself to think about what they had done the entire week and he realized how little he knew of draco, what did he work as? Why had he came to paris ? was he still living in the same apartment or did he sell it and moved into a new place that wasn’t tainted by the glass-like fragile relationship they had? Was he involved with someone or not ? How’s his family back home ? Does he still go on a sunday morning brunch with his mother and plan on what next to do ? Does he still like to take a long walk in the rain in the secluded streets of Britain ? Or how is that plant harry gave him as a first gift doing now or is it dead, long forgotten like his relationship ?

But the more harry walked out through the ministry doors, he realised it didn’t matter because the lesser he knew about Draco, the easier it was to convince himself that he can’t miss someone he didn’t even know, it was easier to say goodbye when he knew so little of him, it was easier to move on and pretend it was just an old friend visiting him and not someone he used to love, or still loves or never stopped loving, harry never allowed himself to go that deep, he’d stop thinking after the one he used to love. It was easier. 

Despite the roaring thunders of that day, harry had still managed to reach back home and settle in after having a long shower and that night when he finally decided to sleep, he realised he didn’t feel what he thought he should be feeling, there was an escape he was searching for from the feeling of hollowness that had suddenly resurfaced after having watched draco leave. He never knew what he should’ve done but tossed and turn until he fell asleep at 4 in the morning. 

Harry suspected it should be easier with him gone and reclining back to his normal lifestyle, picking up eggs early in the morning, taking a shower, preparing breakfast then leaving for work, then coming back from home after strolling for normal grocery shopping and listening to the voice messages and more than often just subside into watching TV or reading while dinner and falling asleep. It was a cycle like a revolving loophole harry had made his life to be ever since he settled into paris, a lonely miserable life as though it was a punishment he was unaware of. 

It was exactly a month after draco had already left and harry had almost gotten used to being lonely again when he returned home to hearing a voice message. 

“ hey, harry, we don’t know if you’re home or not but Arthur just fell sick and it’d be terrible if you didn’t visit, can you atleast try to, i understand you don’t want to come back but just once for ron, ginny, molly, me. Give me a call back when you recieve the message, bye" it was hermione, harry recognised very easily having grown up listening to her. Harry sighed looking at his bedroom then remembered all those time harry had said to call him only in emergencies, he never knew why he wanted to be cut off but he thought that’s what wanted, thought at least. 

Harry did call her back and in 3 hours he was leaving paris to go back home once again. He sighed. 

He reached the burrow by exactly 9 in the night and was immediately met with worried faced sat at the table, ron’s arm around hermione in a casual comfort. 

“ harry, dear “ molly shrieked and immediately wrapped her arms around harry “ you need anything, food, water? Anything “ she asked. Harry gave her a smile almost having forgotten what it was like to be in her embrace. 

“ how are you ?” he asked her, emphasising on you and she immediately broke into fits of crying almost startling harry. 

“ mum, i think it’d be better if you just took some rest” ron said and helped her into the small bedroom. 

Hermione immediately approached harry with a small plate of pies, harry only shook his head “ how’s arthur ?” 

“ heart attack, he’s still in the hospital, ginny’s with him” 

Harry’s face immediately turns to grimace just to think of how horrible it must be on everyone and he arrived when it was too late. 

“ he’s doing fine right now but it’d be good if you visited him tomorrow, he’s pretty conscious “ hermione added and harry nodded thinking it’d be the first thing he’d do tomorrow morning. 

“ listen harry, thanks for coming, it really means a lot to Ron even if he doesn’t say anything to you “ hermione lightly brushes her hand over his cheek then grab him a firm hug then let go. 

“ i’ll talk to him, i understand he needs me “ harry mutters and hermione nodded. 

Hermione takes him to her place and he crashes there for the night but it was more weird to be back than he has assumed to be. If there was one person who was more mad at harry than even draco was ron because of how harry had just fled and harry worried ron probably wil never forgive him for it. 

In restlessness harry offers himself to sleep and finally it comes to him at 3 in the night. 

When the morning arrived, harry wanders out of the guest room, to get some breakfast before he’d meet arthur, hoping he’d have a chat with hermione before but much to his surprise Ron was standing around the kitchen counter reading newspaper and a coffee mug in his hand. 

“ morning “ harry awkwardly said as he stood on the opposite side of the counter. Ron only nodded as if telling him at least he acknowledged him, which was a progress somehow, harry thinks. 

“ i was wondering when i could visit arthur, like what’s the visiting time?” harry asked scratching the back oh his neck. 

“ now you’d like to visit, when he fell sick “ ron snaps and leaves the room. Harry’s eyebrows spiked up, perhaps he was wrong. 

Just then as a rescue Hermione walked and judging by Harry's face she gave him an apologetic smile.

" he'll come around "

" if It were me, I'd do the same " harry muttered.

Harry soon asked her the same question and hopefully didn't meet with a snap as Ron had done but then again Ron deserved to be angry with harry, although a larger part of harry wanted Ron to just be a little understanding, because perhaps harry needed Ron as much as he needed Harry.

Meeting was Arthur was rather pleasant, he was still the same man who adored the muggle artifacts in an adorable way and enjoyed little quips every now and then.

" it's good to have you back harry, we missed you" Arthur had at last said with a warm smile. Whilst harry was leaving the room with the image of Arthur's smile, he wondered was going away ever even worth it? Was leaving behind people disappointed worth it ? Harry knew Hermione was mad at him too but she was too sweet to ever point it out, she still looked at harry as the same boy who needed saving and perhaps somewhere it was an additive reason why harry had left, among many other huge reasons he never allowed himself to ponder on anymore.

" hadn't you said you left because of Draco ?" Ginny has asked him while they were walking back to the burrow as a little detour to get more fresh air and just sharing thing's. He sort of missed this, he realised.

" I did " harry replied

" you know when you left, I thought you'd come back like in a month but when months went by I realised you weren't going to " Ginny had a slight edgy tone and harry understood it, he really did, he had left her too, she deserved to be mad at him.

" to be frank I thought so too " harry replied narrowing his eyes at the sunlight hit him hard in the eyes after having walked from under the shelter of trees and into the open field not a few more miles away from the burrow.

" why didn't you ?" Ginny asked walking along kicking the rock as they walked.

Harry exhaled, running his hand through his hair " I don't know "

Ginny didn't ask anything more. What was left to ask anyways anymore. He hadn't talked with anyone in such a long time, it paid him well that nobody cared to ask anything.

The burrow was already set with lunch tables and Hermione already being present but busy writing a mail and harry immediately took his cue to sit down next to her.

"duties " Hermione offered him a little smile.

Harry chewed the inside of his cheek fidgeting with his fingers when he finally dared ask her " aren't you mad at me ?"

" mad at you ? " She laughed as if it was humourous " why would I be mad at you ?" She asked with a soft laugh turned into smile.

" because I left. Everyone else is " harry shrugged.

She tied the letter to the owl's leg and leaned back into her chair then looked at harry " honestly, I was mad at you "

Internally harry thought, she deserves to be.

" but I don't anymore. I forgave you a long time ago. When you didn't return after a month, my thoughts ran wild and I was very angry at you but you're a young man who's capable of making his own decisions. I understood you wanted to leave, but I can't say I wasn't upset that you chose to reply 3 months later, but I knew you were fine and I know you must've had a reason " she added.

Harry thought why was she being nice to him but somehow it didn't matter, all that mattered was she forgave him when nobody else seemed to.

" they're all just mad because they care about you, not because they hate you for it harry. Ron would kill me if I told you but he's always dead worried about you " Hermione smiles fondly.

Harry's lip turned into a little curve as he thought of all those times Ron and harry had a fight and always ended up resolving, but it soon dissolved into a frown when he realised they weren't teenager's anymore and harry hadn't talked with Ron for more than a year.

When molly announced the lunch had been served, harry only nodded and stared outside the window.

" you coming !?" Hermione asked after a while when Harry didn't join the table.

Harry immediately stood up and joined the table and had the first afternoon lunch he had with a family in a long while.

Was all of it ever worth it ?

Harry chose to stay till the evening after very strong arguments or commands to say by molly until he begged to leave and when molly realised she didn't had any other option but to let him leave, he did leave, only not knowing where.

He strolled across random streets, leaky cauldron, old robe shops, passed by ollivaders, then in Muggle suburbs and before he could've even taken anymore systematic or thoughtful steps, he realised he was standing in front of 12 Grimmauld place.

It still as bold and strong as ever and it still resonated screeches of portraits when the door Hinges creek everytime he opened a new door. In his lonely times when Harry has often stood on the balcony watching a very similar looking bungalow across street like Grimmauld place, he was thought about selling it but no matter how many Times he had tried to pick up the phone to call estate agents, he has failed to dial the last of the number and would rest the phone back. There was something that would cling onto him, something he could feel inside himself that would make him realise how incredibly wrong it would be to sell the place, it was always a reminder of what he's been through and what yet he have to go through but most of all he didn't think he could ever sell the place no matter even if he died, he couldn't, it'd be taint on Sirius's tribute. It reminded him of the past sometimes, past he couldn't move on from.

Harry dusted off one of the rooms and Decided to run one last time to Hermione's place and pick his stuff and stay in the Grimmauld place for as Long as he was here.

" but harry it's a dingy place, it's not even been cleaned in ages, god knows what's inside the house anymore. We can perhaps clean it tomorrow-"

" mione, if he wants to stay there let him, not like he'd listen anyway " Ron had Snapped.

For a moment, Harry's blood boiled and he wanted to snap back but he decided he deserved this.

" you will listen to me harry, I don't care. Until and unless I see the place after its cleaned you will not stay there and it's an order " Hermione sternly said. Harry had always been slightly Afraid of her wrath, it was dangerous sometimes but he knew inside the exterior she would always be someone who cares for him and then he just simply obliged, not having enough energy to fight back anymore.

When finally the night came and they had dinner in silence at their place, Harry had left much before he could've been involved into small talks, he left as soon as he was done with his food, quite sadly, Ron didn't fail to notice, however neither of them stopped harry when he slumped back inside the guest room.

Was any of it even worth it!? Was it worth this loneliness ?

followed up Part 6

Thanks @drarrywords for beta

(Missed last night update because I was reading running on air, I should be excused )

I think I should bring it in light that is unknowingly becoming a longer fiction than I had planned.. I'd hope you people still enjoy it nonetheless.

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For Anyone who found it pretty late and/or is unable to keep up with the reblogged posts- i have updated on AO3- LINK.

Da Capo

Dialogue Prompt 16- " because I love you, is that what you wanted to hear " requested by @sunflowerishdolphin ( your last remaining request ) | TW- NONE |

Da Capo-(Italian: from the beginning); at the end of a piece of music or a section of it, means that it should be played or sung again from the beginning.

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3 minutes

Microfic sentence given by @hopeless-romanticsclub | TW- ANGST

Ashes and dust raised in the sky like a hot steam emerging from a hot stew, the whole Hogwarts was getting dismantled, turning into fragments and perhaps them too in their little stolen moment for 3 minutes. Harry was walking towards the forbidden forest when draco had followed him and asked him for just 3 minutes. He rested their foreheads together, their fingers intertwined against harry's chest and the large droplets of tears had made draco's collar wet.

" I have to go draco " harry had said.

Draco nodded but didn't loosen his fingers with those of Harry's. He couldn't even if he wanted to.

" I don't want you to " draco choked on his sobs.

" But I have to " harry replied closing his eyes and for one last moment enjoying the cradling warmth. He couldn't tell him that he's walking to death, that it was the only way but somewhere harry knew draco knew and perhaps that's why this was so hard. That's why letting go seemed so hard even for him.

" Just one more minute " draco sobbed. Harry bought his hands into his hair, holding him by the back of his neck in a soft touch, their eyes closed, little drops of tears running down their faces. It was intimate in its way.

" Perhaps in some distant reality, our love would not be so battle worn " harry whispered, softly.

" In some distant reality, you and I will always be together. We'd have our forever till infinity " draco whispered back, a little smile curling at the corner of his lips to just imagine the other two of their versions being happy.

" I need to go " harry said after a while. Draco nodded and in one last moment, kissed harry for one last time, promising him a forever. Harry kissed him back in all the forever he couldn't give him and then he ran away.

Da Capo - Part 8 

Part 1 to 5 | part 6-7

Sforzando is a dynamic instruction that requires a note to be played more abruptly and loudly.

Harry left a few days later after having reconciled and forgiven by many but only he who had loved before had dropped him off on the station. Harry had wanted to go as alone as he had come but it was a last-minute call and Draco had decided himself that he wanted to see harry off, never mind the reasons. Harry remembers vividly that night when he had been sitting on the bench waiting for the train and Draco had refused kindly that he wouldn't leave without watching harry get on. 

"I don't get it, why ?" Harry had asked. Draco had offered harry the simplest of smiles, shrugging off his shoulders as though he didn't have an answer and perhaps he didn't but harry's brain had already formulated one. It was a consolation to his broken heart perhaps to watch harry leave, either because he needed closure or because he didn't get to do it the first time around. It wasn't an eventful conversation, just a few quips here and there and silence, because they liked it until the train had arrived and harry had got in the train, his eyes trailed upon Draco with used coffee cups and a small dimpled smile. Harry remember nodding at him and then he had to make it easier for him, sat by his seat and didn't think about Draco going away home, alone. 

Maybe they were in fact like the two phases of the night in people's lives, the night before you slept and the ignorant time of the morning at 3 am that people refuse to call neither night nor morning. Harry perhaps was the 3 am. 

The reconciliation had worked quite well, with Ron giddily calling harry almost every night and it worked in harry's favor to know how everyone else was doing with only a little regret of the absence that cast him. Or maybe he had been gone for so long that he found happiness in the creek of moments where only a little sunlight had managed to pass through. He's away from what was home, that in those little phone calls he received he found himself finally being able to breathe but when it ended, he could feel the hollowness settling in as if it never really left like it was always there. It was in those moments in the rain when the dig up holes in the road would fill up with water and the road would look even but as soon as it'd stop raining, the holes were right where they always were, on the road. 

But when the new department of work was handed over to him and the frequent phone calls so much in so little that he felt it again, the suffocation again but he reminded himself of what he would miss if he stopped calling and he couldn't let go of his job because it was now a part of his life. He felt it right there in the middle of his chest, the hole thudding loudly which was either his heart or the heart that had been lost. He wanted to breathe again, the way he had on the night he had stayed on the bank and he knew what he needed, he went to river seine. Just as the water flowed through his fingers, he felt it, the surge of relief as if he had now just passed it onto the waters like he was finally able to breathe again. He realised in then how much he missed being able to openly breathe in the fresh air, how much it mattered to finally get above the surface to breathe that it almost physically pained him when he couldn't. He had always looked for the answer to his breathlessness and he liked to put blames a lot more often because playing the blame game was easier but he didn't like it but then again he couldn't find the answer he was looking for, it was like it was always there just somewhere around him, somewhere inside him but he never could grasp and he thinks he waits for the day when he'd finally know the answers all that he was looking for. 

He stayed there for a very long time on the bank until the cold had started to make him shiver and he walked back home again. He had only placed the new set of spatula's on the counter when he decided to hear the voice messages in case he had missed anything in the time he was gone and he sure had. 

" Hey mate, you aren't picking up calls so I'm just going to leave you this message to call me whenever you can, only if you are. " harry smiled at Ron's genuineness. With a beep, the voice message changed to another and had bent down to keep something in the last drawer when he heard it. 

" hey, hi harry. i-i am revisiting Paris in a couple of days for some study, so I'd be in town so if you'd want to meet just give me a call.. okay, bye. Also, take care " harry almost smacked his head against the cupboard door upon hearing his voice. Harry stared at the phone for a very long time until no more was left to ponder over and had almost slept off in the night when he knew he could never sleep knowing he didn't respond. 

" Hey, I Couldn’t respond to your message before, and i- 

"Harry ?" 

" oh it's you- returning from the run again I suppose then " harry almost chuckled. 

" yeah, can say so- so, what were you-" 

" yeah, i was just saying I’d love to meet again when you're back in town, just tell me when " harry replied 

" Great, I’d love to meet again " 

And moment by moment the day became very near that harry barely wrapped his head around the fact that Draco was coming back into town the very same day and with a rush, he had gone to the station to pick him up. 

" so how more research is in this study of yours that makes you visit frequently? " harry had asked on the ride back to his place, 

"if I went into explaining about how long the study is and what it is you'd be bored out of your mind" Draco chuckled pushing his hair out of his face as he glanced at harry. 

Harry gave him a challenging smile and with a laugh and ended up explaining to him the study he needed to come to Paris for and even if harry seemed to not understand anything, he loved listening to Draco talking passionately about the potion he could gather about was found to have remedies in Paris because of the different vegetation and climate. Harry stole glances at Draco as he went on and on about the said potion and noticed how Draco aggressively explained with a  lot of hand movements and the way his lips would turn in a genuine curious smile and harry understood how much he must love his job and what it offered to Draco was beyond anything harry could perceive. It felt amazing to him to be in his presence and just hear him talk. 

" and the potion wouldn't brew if- i- I'm talking too much aren't I?" Draco cut himself off looking at harry with a soft smile. 

"I don't mind " harry smiled back pulling into his street. 

And he continued talking about his potion and making sure he was watching harry momentarily in worries that he was boring him. 

" you really love this job then, don't you?" harry said when Draco took a breath of relief. 

Draco looked at Harry with a warming smiled and nodded and they entered his apartment. 

" are you sure you don't mind me staying ?" Draco asked as he shut the door behind him. 

" be my guest if you want to pay double the amount each time you are coming here " harry chuckled putting the keys back on the keyholder. 

" but still-" 

"I'm glad to have you over "

Draco smiled again at harry and finally made himself more comfortable. 

It was then perhaps in those weekends everything changed little by little, nothing was immediate or spontaneous and maybe that's why Harry could feel himself still breathing. In the more frequent visits when Draco had come only for a weekend, all of harry's plan would turn to be attentive to Draco, his dinner plans with someone else would turn to making dinner for two, his getaway plan would turn into little trip to next town, his grocery list turned from boring vegetables to having leftover cake because Draco liked desert, his balcony somehow had more additional plants because Draco liked planting them but caring only a little, his zero to little amusement to visit popular places in Paris turned into something of an adventure that harry looked forward for, his dresser somehow always had more extra clothes of Draco sizes, his laundry had turned into a mess because he got very little chance to finish them again since Draco mostly came by, his table's were filled with Draco's spare cologne and his hanger had become home to Draco's cute little beret hat, his sheets had turned more colorful since he started staying over because Draco liked to tease him for it, his records had welcomed more electric slow music, in his vinyl collection there was extra copies of lionel richie and the movie set had been filled with new star wars edition because apparently they were very thrilling, his coffee table now had a couple of fashion magazines that sometimes harry liked to read whenever he wasn't there, most of harry's apartment had extra's like two people lived there when the truth was, it was only harry. It was almost too much of a change but Harry didn't mind, not a lot anymore anyways. He was past the line when it bothered him and he welcomed the changes in his life. 

It was then when it hit him that he has grown a little more attached to Draco than he had wanted when one day Draco called and he informed that he might not be able to come for the next weekend. Harry had constantly replied he was fine but the evident stress clouded him and felt disappointed when Draco couldn't come over. He pretended it was fine, he really wanted it to be, to feel absolutely fine but when over the weekend when harry was mindlessly switching TV channels, he finally realized how lonely it had felt in that moment, how he had gotten so used to Draco being around that he almost hated being alone anymore, he had gotten so used to it that instead of his normal dish he made Draco's favorite and he realized that he sort of missed Draco being there even if he was just sitting by the armchair just reading, or he was simply just by the balcony staring down at the cheerful street or when he was just sprawled over the couch in the living room mindlessly doodling in the air. Harry frowned at himself and then he picked up the call and dialed his number. 

" Harry, is something wrong ?" 

" why? I can't call you ?" harry smiled shortly his fingers coiling in the telephone cord. 

" no, but it is 1 am for you " 

" wow, I didn't realize that " harry muttered as he saw the clock on the wall but he didn't mind as long as he could faintly hear Draco smiling from the other side and dragging a chair to sit down. 

" of course you didn't. So tell me why'd you call ?" 

harry breathed biting his lip to himself and honestly answered "I don't know " 

Draco breathed on the other side and harry enjoyed listening to his breathing. 

" How was work today ?"  

" quite alright, jade said hi to you " harry replied, putting weight on one leg leaning forward. 

" Tell her I said hi back " 

" Why are you whispering ?" harry chuckled softly 

"I don't know " 

Harry almost laughed knowing exactly what expression Draco’s face must've had now. 

" did you read the report I sent?"

" yeah, it was like snape has written it " 

" Heyy " Draco whined and Harry laughed. 

" you promised you wouldn't joke about it " 

" Okay- okay, it was nice, I obviously didn't understand it but it was nice " harry replied untangling the cord from his fingers. 

"I appreciate the honesty " Draco chuckled. 

There was a silence for a minute or two more long where they just remained being in each other’s presence and listening to another's breathing when harry had heard something dropping. 

" what are you doing ?" Harry asked. Draco shushed harry immediately 

"I just dropped a bowl, I needed cereal" 

" at midnight ?" harry asked 

" so what? I was hungry and I want to eat something and I missed dinner"

" Draco, who eats cereal in dinner ?" harry chuckled 

" me, obviously and it tastes amazing " 

"it cereal Draco " harry laughed softly 

" And they're good "Draco laughed too. 

" you're one of a kind" Harry shook his head smiling 

" So I'm aware " Draco replied and Harry knew he was smiling. 

They spent the next 2 hours just talking and teasing each other when Draco had yawned for like the seventeenth time and harry had practically forced him to sleep and he had obliged after much protests decided that it was time that he slept. They had cut off the call in a normal sweet manner and harry had gotten into bed when he turned over when he saw something sliding under his dresser. Having insomnia is a good friend, Harry got up to check what it is and immediately understood by the heading that it was Draco's page he had accidentally left behind. He knew he should've never skimmed over the paper or even tried to see whatever the information held but he had read it and he had immediately regretted it, 

" RESEARCH STUDY REPORT: HEALING POTION: UNDERSTUDY

NAME OF THE POTION: ARSENEGIA 

RESEARCH STARTED ON: 5 JULY'2002

STATUS REPORT: HEALING EFFECTS FOUND EFFECTIVE [ further research can be done ] 

RESEARCH STUDY ENDED ON: 30 SEPTEMBER' 2001 "

Harry frowned at the paper, seeing its backside if there was anything more left to the research or it had begun again but the research seemed to have ended and that was 3 weeks ago and Draco had already stayed by 3 more times since then. 

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Da capo - part 6

Trail post part 1 to 5

Ritenuto (Italian: 'held back')

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Ramblings

Sometimes we sit on the couch, (or all over each other), and I burrow my head under your arm because close, closer, closer – and you press your lips against the top of my head and act as though you’re eating my hair. And you kiss me, again and again, slowly, like I’m precious, like you couldn’t think of something you’d rather do –

And sometimes we’re in bed, you’re long asleep, but as always you stir when I come in. Sleepy, warm, you move to wrap around me, mumbling dreamily yes, yes, as though this is what you’ve been waiting for –

And sometimes we’re in the kitchen, coffees getting cold. And we can’t even remember what we’re laughing about, but my smile hurts and your fingers are too sweet so I lick a long stripe across them because I know it’d make you laugh even harder. And I don’t let go of your hand when you’re reaching for the mug, so you take mine as well and pretend you don’t even notice,

And again in bed, this time we went together, and instead of falling asleep we make up useless spells and give ridiculous titles to Ministry employees, and I can’t think of a single funnier thing than ‘Head of farts and crafts’ –

And when you explain, patiently, in length, the most recent whatever-potions-theory you just read about. And I don’t understand, because potions, and you laugh, because potions is not a reason, and you draw your explanations and use a lot of hand gestures, and sometimes I don’t even care about the principle of it because your eyes are so wide and you’re so happy –

And again on the couch, it’s not a big flat, and you tell me about your day because I won this time and you have to go first. And you’re drinking diluting juice like I did as a child, with your feet on the table, and I cuddle into you because this is the only way. And it was a good day, or a bad day, or an okay one, but you tell me anyway. And it’s cold but there’s a soft fluffy blanket and we wrap up warm,

And this time it’s me who’s tired, and you’re reading just one more chapter. So I lay down with my head in your lap and you pet me slowly, because I’m meant to be sleeping, but I’m not asleep, I’m just dreaming. And I think to myself how I could never dream of anything like this, like you, something so right for me but also so comfortable but also so loving but also so good, and all the time, good all the time, and how can that even be? The destructive part of me can’t understand, and the worried part of me struggles to shut up, but most of the parts just go wow, wow, wow,

And these are the good years! Here, now! This is it, what’s happening now, we’re in the good years, when we’re young and healthy and fun, and sometimes life is shit around us – many times it’s shit, actually most of the time it’s shit, but between us it’s good good good, and I’ve already found myself thinking of the future when I’d look back and think of these times and –

Every time you say my first name, and every time you look for presents to buy my family, just because, and every time you thank me for something so mundane I didn’t even notice I did it, and every time your voice cracks and my heart contracts and expands simultaneously, and every time you look at me and innocently ask “so… what’re you thinking for dinner?”

And there are so many of these moments – every day, dozens of them, hundreds, thousands of these tiny moments that I don’t even think about and usually don’t even notice and I love you I love you I love you so much so much so much