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Nikolai's favourite medicine

Gogol: It hurts, it hurts so much! Ahaha!

Sigma: What the... What's so funny?

Gogol: My brain converts pain into laughter. It's the best medicine and it's free.

Sigma: You've been stabbed! Repeatedly.

Gogol: Hahahaha...

Sigma: I'm calling the ambulance. Now.

Gogol: I know another good medicine. Show me your beautiful smile...

Sigma: Stop flirting with me, you're dying!

Fyolai: they can't be normal, even when they try

Nikolai: I feel less invisible when people laugh at me. I am not an empty space if I can make someone giggle until their stomach aches. So where did you bury your funny bone, Fedya? Tell me!

Fyodor: At the end of the world. When reality splits in half, so does my scull and I smile. The apocalypse is the only thing I find truly funny. People pray, beg, fight… Still in the end it's worth nothing.

Nikolai: Ok, let me try again. Quiz time! Where is Fyodor's funny bone? It's in his ribs, of course!!

(Two pair of hands appear in the air and tickle Fyodor mercilessly until he giggles in the uncannily light tone).

Nikolai: Fedya, do you think, people will smile with relief when we disappear? Will they celebrate the moment we are gone?

Fyodor: Not that we would know.

(I know they will, of course).

𝗙𝘆𝗼𝗱𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗡𝗶𝗸𝗼𝗹𝗮𝗶: 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝗱𝘆𝘀𝗳𝘂𝗻𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗿𝗮𝘄𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿

Fyodor can't function without God the same way Nikolai can't function without freedom.

Their personalities are so off-balanced and incompatible with reality, they need something outside of it to feel whole.

Eventually, their immense need to rely on Freedom/God distorts the very source of their comfort.

Freedom gets bloody, and God becomes hungry for the sacrifice.

But it isn't that freedom or God have fundamentally changed. What changed were their brains of those perceiving them and their motivations.

Gogol and Dostoevsky needed an ideal that would inspire them to live, no matter how disappointed they are with their own existence.

Both Clown and Demon also looked for a justification, a place onto which they could project their hidden pain, without directly interacting with it.

Fyodor and Nikolai were pretty angry at what happened to them in the past. Whatever it was, it hurt. And still does.

But neither Dostoevsky, not Gogol can't acknowledge that. If they would ever do so, these two would have to admit: they still care about people and the way people treat them.

So each of the duo says that they're hurting others, not for the personal gain or out of a desperate attempt to feel better. No, they're doing for the ideal: be it “Freedom” or the “God”.

It allows both Fyodor and Nikolai to keep lashing out, while keeping their self-images intact.

They keep saying to themselves: “I hurt others because of how inhuman I am”. While in reality the opposite is accurate.

They both became criminals because of their humanity, albeit flawed one.

Of course, Gogol's idea of freedom is almost broken or at least showing cracks. But Dostoevsky's obsession with God's is as strong as ever.

It'll only grow stronger, the closer Fyodor gets to the end of his goal.

Dostoevsky rushes towards it with all of his might because despite all his prayers and hopes, living with his version of God is still unbearable.

It kinda hurts.

And he wants it to stop.

Do you know that I love to draw?

I do. And this is how my art looks like. But I haven't been able to create it for a while because of a terrible toothache. My teeth hurt so much I want to pull them out.

This GIF is replaying in my head over and over again. Can you do this to me too, Bill?

Right now, it feels like bees are trapped inside my teeth 🐝 When my dentist opened the first one, she saw a dark puddle of a decayed filth. Turned out I needed a root channel. And I've got 3 more to go. My teeth are literally rotting. And it hurts.

Please, help me get a root channel for 3 of my teeth.

I need $700 in total, but I'll be grateful for any amount of your good will:

https://boosty.to/sssarrrra

(I've posted more of my drawings here.

You can take a pick if you wish 👀)

The whole story so far:

It took so long to diagnose because my cavities are covered by the old fillings. From the outside they look fine, but once fillings are removed, you can see an aching dark caves.

Three dentists couldn't see a problem, despite my complaints. One of them even called me a “whinny baby” for feeling pain. But I live in a 3rd world country, so any kind of good health care services are super rare.

When I finally found a decent dentist turned out that I needed three root channels. She already started doing one, so for now, I have a temporary filling. And I'm still in a lot of pain.

If you're interested, I can send you any proof I can gather, including receipts and a document from a dentist.

I kinda wish Tooth Fairy could appear and take my teeth and all the pain away 🦷🦷🦷

I wish I could just turn it off.

The nerve pain in the pulp is the worst one I've ever felt.

I need $700 for 3 root channels.

So if you can, please check out this link for my donation page:

boosty.to

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𝗗𝗼𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗲𝘃𝘀𝗸𝘆 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄𝘀 𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝘁𝘆, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗰𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝘁

Fyodor sees himself as hollow. The only thing that should fullfill him is faith, God, future visions. And yet, his mind, his flesh desires more than this.

Still, Fyodor doesn't see himself as an individual, but rather an instrument for Heaven's will.

Dostoevsky barely has any personal preferences and hides them well. The only consistent drive he is open about is a desire to be around beauty: classical music, delectable food, gorgeous people.

As if being around perfect and good-looking stuff can clench Fyodor's self-disgust.

Every time Dostoevsky is lavished with nice things, he feels like a rat, crawling into a royal palace. He doesn't deserve any of that. Not after everything that happened.

And yet, his little heart can't help but tremble every time someone gifts him an earthly pleasure: good wine, sweet tea, a peaceful atmosphere; people tending to him, surrounding him with all the comfort he needs. Fyodor can get addicted to it easily. But it never lasts.

There is a part deep inside of him that never relaxes, never gives into safety. Maybe, it's the part that ultimately broken or the one that belongs to God. It's restless and unstoppable.

Every time it wakes up, Fyodor's compulsion to save destroy the world takes over. Something triggers Dostoevsky, reminds him of his ability and he is back on his feet, searching for a way to fix everything.

Fyodor can never enjoy a good life for long enough. Every time he does, his drive drags him back into sewers,

where memories of peace

can only haunt him.

𝗗𝗼𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗲𝘃𝘀𝗸𝘆 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝘀 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗚𝗼𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝘁𝘆

Dostoevsky hates having feelings. They remind Fyodor about his own humanity. So how does he cope? He projects his feelings onto God.

Every time he experiences an emotion, either positive or negative, he pretends that it's some kind of “God's message”.

Fyodor believes that all of his emotions belong to God or come from him. Demon assumes: all that he feels is reflection of God's will.

“My ability hurt me and made me feel wrong. Of course, God wants to remove all the abilities in the world!” — something like that.

Dostoevsky can't allow himself to be angry, sad, bitter, or jealous. He sees emotions as excessive and would never acknowledge the simple fact that he has them.

But what If something upsets God? Then, Fyodor has to act. It's not for him, it's not selfish, it's for the sake of Creator.

And coincidentally, almost magically, everything that Fyodor hates, displeases God too. Everything that causes Fyodor pain, well, God wants it gone as well.

And every person who Fyodor likes, hates or simply can't save? God welcomes them in Heaven. In his Godly rehabilitation center.

Pretty convenient, yes?

You can see how Fyodor's faith isn't meant to restrict him. It's a system of beliefs he uses to enable and redirect everything he can't accept in himself. Every feeling, thought and compulsion Dostoevsky doesn't want to take responsibility for – they all come from God.

All Fyodor's love is for God.

All of his anger is for God's sake.

All his sins are God's responsibility, already predestined and included in God's plan.

This way Demon can't be held accountable for his actions or emotions. Because all Dostoevsky's feelings aren't his. They belong to God.

It's His will speaking through Fyodor's heart strings.

Since Dostoevsky can't have human emotions. Even all of his impulses are controlled by God and Him alone.

If likes or hates someone, it's not his personal preferences. It's Higher power sending him a signal.

Therefore Fyodor doesn't have to see or evaluate himself as an individual, but only as a continuation of God's will.

This way no shame, anger, or guilt can ever apply to him.

This what Dostoevsky tells himself.

People don't hate Fyodor – they hate God's will. Therefore, they are sinners. And will be treated accordingly. None of their words ever apply to Fyodor as a person.

So he'll do his best not to care at all.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗙𝘆𝗼𝗱𝗼𝗿'𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝘄 𝗯𝗼𝗱𝘆... 𝗜𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲𝗻? 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝗳 𝗗𝗼𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗲𝘃𝘀𝗸𝘆 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗔𝗺𝗲𝗻𝗼𝗴𝗼𝘇𝗲𝗻?

As if now Dostoevsky can give Amenogozen any kind of order. So why not to ask him to kill Fyodor?

Right now there is no need for that, since Mr.Demon is winning. But Dazai and Ranpo are only about to arrive, Atsushi is yet to unite his forces with Akutagawa. Things can get heated very fast, and whatever advantage Fyodor has will be nullified.

If Dostoevsky is close to being defeated he can ditch Bram's body and get a new vessel with a built-in power. It would still be a gamble, though. There is always a chance Fyodor can turn into bubbles like everyone before.

But what if "Crime and punishment" counters Singularity? Then Fyodor would get a new fit and a terrifyingly strong ability (since it's probably linked to Amenogozen's physical form and if Dostoy inhabits it, he'll get a hold of it too).

Dostoevsky already expressed attraction to Fukuchi's powers as a devine being.

Why not become the one who actually wields them?

Amenogozen!Fyodor? Am I even ready for this? I don't know.

𝗔𝗺𝗲𝗻𝗼𝗴𝗼𝘇𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗹𝘆𝘀𝗶𝘀: 𝗙𝘆𝗼𝗱𝗼𝗿'𝘀 𝗗𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗽𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗲𝘁 𝗼𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗗𝗲𝗺𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝗚𝗼𝗱 (𝗯𝘀𝗱 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝟭𝟭𝟱–𝟭𝟭𝟳)

It's interesting how Fyodor positions himself towards Fukuchi, whom he calls a “Devine being”. Fukuchi or Amenogozen, as he is now, is the closest thing to “God” we can have on earth. And Fyodor is absolutely thrilled to control this DIY Devine Bring. Is it a blasphemy? Maybe. But let's look at what Amenogozen is.

How did Fukuchi turn into him? What happened to Ouchi's mind to make him act like he does now?

Amenogozen is Fukuchi's desire to get rid of suffering amplified. Ouchi used to see the whole world's agony as his own. Now he is a literal embodiment of everyone's pain, big or small.

Amenogozen has only one instinct – to turn everyone into bubbles and store them inside himself. He isn't just killing them, he “eats” their souls as well. When Fukuchi erases a person in this way, all of their suffering becomes his (along with their memories and identity), thus giving their souls piece.

Amenogozen isn't explicitly hateful or cruel, but he is also far from human. He seemed to genuinely empathize with Teruko and, especially, Kunikida, during his last moments. He saw their anguish, sensed it (Teruko's grief, Kunikida's fear along with wounds). And Devine being thought he would help them. He would erase their suffering.

This is what Amenogozen sees as his mission: to kill every person, swallow their pain and “save” them by turning them into pure emptiness (in a cloud of bubbles, yes).

Gozen grew to respect Kunikida during their brief interaction. He even acknowledged that Doppo's ideas can transcend death itself. And yet, Fukuchi still decides to kill him. Because he sees “death” as the kindest option for every living being.

It seems like Ouchi came to this decision during his transformation. For us, it all happened in a few seconds, but for him, it probably lasted for centuries. He travelled through time and space indefinitely, until he became a Singularity. From outside it looked like a brief flash of light, but it continued for eternity in his mind.

Off-screen, Fukuchi went through a psychological torture like no other. He was forced to observe everything that happened to humanity, while being outside time and space, unable to do anything. Of course, he saw an immense amount of pain history is filled with.

Ouchi watched it unfold in front of his eyes, like a helpless disembodied ghost, unable to die or let go. He, who thought of himself as a warrior, was forced to be a bystander to everyone's agony. It all continued indefinitely and was extremely traumatic. Eventually, Fukuchi discarded what was left of his humanity and became “God” to survive seeing all the visions of pain.

As a result, suffering became the only focus of his broken mind.

I think this what Dostoevsky has hoped for. Because he came to the same conclusion after living for centuries. “Death is the ultimate salvation, and nothing else can help”. So Fyodor hijacked Fukuchi into the same mindset by overloading his brain with the images of agony.

Now, Amenogozen sees pain as life. They are inseparable from each other from his view point. So his goal transforms into erasing all suffering, by erasing all life on Earth. Fukuchi wants to be the one who bares the whole world's agony, while everyone's soul rests peacefully within him in the blissful oblivion.

Amenogozen is a twisted, distorted caricature of Jesus. He takes on everyone's pain by killing them. It's a befitting path for an ex-war criminal.

And what about Fyodor? Does he call Amenogozen “devine” just because of his immense power? Dostoy certainly enjoys watching Yokohama being cut into pieces. But that's not only it.

Fyodor nicknamed his new weapon "Devine power" based on his philosophy about God.

Fukuchi isn't entirely gone. His motivation is what drives Amenogozen forward. Singularity craves to erase every source of pain / life, so much that he is ready to become a sinner, a monster, an empty void.

Just like Fukuchi in the past Gozen uses his body until he doesn't resemble a human anymore.

Ouchi lost his sanity due to his immense desire to free people from Samsara. Now he is a literal monster, but he is still trying to help and "save" everyone from pain, albeit in a twisted brutal way.

And this what makes him so close to a “devine power”.

Because to Dostoevsky, God is someone who encapsulates everyone's pain, carries everyone's burden. Just like what Fyodor tries to do as his loyal servant.

Despite this, I think Fyodor calls Amenogozen “God” ironically. He doesn't see Fukuchi as such, but he “compliments” him for trying. Because Dostoevsky realizes how truly selfish this newly formed “Devine being” is.

Before everyone's salvation, Amenogozen desires oblivion. He wants to disappear. But, just like Fukuchi, he can't do that, until his mission is entirely complete.

Amenogozen sees everyone's pain as his own. So he erases it repeatedly, as if it can save him. He can't distinguish his own soul from everyone else's, so he kills himself again and again through others, but still remains alive.

Amenogozen seeks relief through self-distraction, something to what Dostoevsky relates too much.

And Fyodor smiles because he knows: real God is only yet to arrive.

Logs on to see someone spam like my posts: :o

They’re a BSD fan: (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))♡ (°▽°) ･:*+.\(( °ω° ))/.:+

They write analysis on the characters I struggle to write the most:

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

On a different note your analysises are genuinely interesting and I enjoy reading them!

You're so sparkly! ✨✨Love your art, it's so fluid and lively. I'm always fascinated to see an artist grow while exploring different styles 🤩 Thanks so much for affirming my writing (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) I'm always happy to hear when someone enjoys reading my analyses.

HUZZAH almost 10 months in the making I present my biggest project so far!! My new bsd stormbringer animatic is UP NOW GO WATCH IT

Love your analyses! They're very nice to read and touch a lot of internal conflicts C: ♡♡♡

Thank you so much! •O• I love dissecting character motives and contradictions within, yet I'm always a bit scared that it's boring to read about. But your words made me feel so happy and proud 😤 Now I feel inspired to write even more stuff!

𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Nikolai had put so much effort into creating his monstrous façade. All the jesting, laughing, toying with the pain of others. He tried so hard to look like a “monstrous person with nothing inside”. But in the end he didn't want to be remembered as such.

Gogol still wanted to let the world know that he wasn't a monster. During his makeshift penance to Atsushi he tried to humanize himself by telling about the guilt and remorse he felt. Nikolai even confessed to the Agency that he admired the justice they fought for. He said: the light they emitted drawn him in.

Nikolai couldn't allow himself to be viewed as just another criminal. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted to make people care.

For that, Gogol gauged out his soul and presented it to the audience.

He wanted to be seen, even at the very last moment.

𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐨𝐮𝐭: 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭?

I wounder, how Nikolai felt, when he realized he couldn't choose death. Did he hate himself for wanting a friend so badly, he couldn't do the “right” thing and liberate himself?

Or was Gogol secretly hoping that Fyodor would offer him another way forward, an alternative, without death, pain and torture?

So Nikolai followed Dostoevsky to the end of the earth, hoping to get a response. But Fyodor didn't know it too. His answer was to kill, and kill again. Everyone who opposed him must be eliminated. Gogol could only smile sadly, realizing his friend, too, was stuck in his ways.

But maybe now, when the world is split open and filled with bubbly foam, Nikolai will find another path forward? The one that would allow him to seak freedom, without taking lives from others or forsaking his own?

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐢𝐞, 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

TW: suicide

What if, Gogol's suicidal plan allowed him to “live” longer? With the end in sight, he didn't have to die right now. Even if existing was unbearable, he didn't have to end it right then and there. When guilt was eating him from the inside, he could still bear it for a while to get a better finale.

Was Nikolai being suicidal eased his consciousness a bit too? The fact that he was going to die via a brutal, painful death made it easier for him to hurt other people and live day by day.

Nikolai's suicidal ideation was a temporary antidote to his self-hatred. Gogol ate his favorite piroshki, joked around with Fyodor, went to work… All while having a thought : “It's ok to do those things, to enjoy life, even if I'm a horrible person who deserves to die. But I'm gonna die soon, so it's alright to laugh now and pretend to have fun. It's ok to act as if I can function normally and fit into the society like everyone”.

I wounder, if Fyodor has the same coping mechanism. A promise to die once he finishes his plan, makes doing evil… less unbearable? Does it make easier for him to live with himself?

𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫 𝐃𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐯𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐁𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐂𝐢𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐫: 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐚𝐥

Bill Cipher, “the Book of Bill”:

"... I don't need anyone, I NEVER HAVE, and I DON'T MISS ANY OF THEM! I'M FINE!".

Fyodor Dostoevsky, “Character card letter”:

“I'm always alone. And this is fine by me. Has been, and always will be”.

Yes, they're both “fine”. Only Bill screams into the void, and Fyodor becomes one.

So what do we have here? Two infinity-old almost-immortal demons, who destroy themselves just to prove they can be alone forever.

Spoiler alert: they can't. And they despise the vulnerability that's still left inside of them.

Well, at least Bill's in therapy. But he is also at the point of breaking. Fyodor is still holding on, I guess? But barely.

New leaks for the chapter 117 look wild!

But I'm glad to see the whole ADA gang together again! Seems even some mafia members joined them. The reunion turns out to be epic!

Can't wait for the entire chapter.

(What if everyone will become bubbles,

And then go pop! Will they be able to recover? I need to know now)

𝐃𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐩𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐥 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 😈 (𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕)

Pros: + You can finally make Fedya wear your clothes! Even your hat 🎩 You always wanted to see him in it. But he refused to swipe outfits. Well, no more.

+ Your body is gonna carry Dos-kun inside, as if you're giving him a giant hug 🤗🫂 Your flesh will become a candy wrapper for the sweetest, most demonic entity.

+ You'll never fear being separated from your friend ever again. That awful feeling in your chest – it will go away 💔

+ You won't have to rack your brain over ways to get Dos-kun's attention 👀 No more sleepless nights spent coming up with charades to catch his gaze. Now Fedya will have to “see” you every day. You'll become his new shell. So, little demon will be stuck with you forever.

+ Fedya might even smile, while taking over your body 😈 And you can even manage to smile back, before your face will be pilled away

Cons: — You'll never experience any of this from your own perspective (and you wish you could so, so badly)

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢'𝐬 𝐬𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐞

Will Kolya be happy to give his body to Fyodor? Not as an act of revenge against morality. But as a present from one friend to another.

Before that, Gogol didn't have anything Fyodor could appreciate. Neither his philosophical jokes nor whimsical emotions ever touched Fyodor in a way he wanted.

But now, Kolya has something Fyodor can grow to like. Nikolai's body with no soul inside. A new vessel ready to go! This is something his dearest friend will enjoy.

Dostoevsky might even thank him for disappearing! Isn't it amazing, indeed? Now Gogol won't have to fear his friend dying and leaving him behind. It's delightful, it makes Kolya want to fly!

𝐃𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 “𝐰𝐡𝐲”: 𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡

Nikolai grins, when he hears: “Why are you doing this?”. Gogol pretends to answer this question with delight, not to show that he's terrified. Of what? Not having the answer to "why". He hates this word so much. It triggers his self-doubt, non-stop questioning of himself, everlasting mistrust of every thought that he has.

Nikolai feels a pit opening up inside his stomach. If they ask him “why”, it means his actions don't make sense. They don't understand the meaning behind his deeds. Maybe, it doesn't exist?

Gogol doesn't know “why” himself. Fyodor Dostoevsky gave him the answer he liked. But was it a real answer to Nikolai's “why?”. The doubt lingers, no matter how much he wishes it would disappear. Why is he like this? Will he feel better when he finds out eventually?

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧: 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬, 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬

You know how cats can purr, when they enjoy stuff, but also when they need to sooth their physical suffering? Well, Gogol is the same with smiles. The more pain Nikolai feels, the more “smiley” he gets, until the agony becomes too unbearable and he breaks.

Maybe, Gogol has some subconscious belief that if he keeps smiling, things will turn out to be alright? Or, perhaps, he doesn't want to give another person the satisfaction of seeing his anguish. It all comes down to Nikolai wanting to prove to himself that he can enjoy anything, any kind of pain. That nothing is impossible for him.

Gogol even smiled after hearing that Dostoevsky was going to kill him. The only time he couldn't do it anymore was when he thought Fyodor was gone. It was the only instance, when Nikolai forgot how to do anything: move, laugh, speak or breath.

The mask of a clown was gone and there was nothing underneath, but a frightened kid, watching his friend being killed.

Hello <3 hope u r having a good day. Just wanted to say i love how your posts about Fyodor. I'm now trying to write part 2 for my ex-husband Fyodor. Can i tag u to my post hope u don't mind of course 😉 luv u muah 😘

Thanks a lot! Of course, you can tag me ✨ I'd love to find out what happens between you and Fyodor 😏 This man is a menace. But I'm always curious to read how people portray him in relationships!

This is so beautiful 😭 The way you describe Fyodor's wounds, and how they bleed into his severe trust issues. Dostoevsky's self-isolation is so painful that God becomes his only remedy.

It made me think even more about how bonds are important in the BSD world. It's always a huge risk, but high reward. Dazai and Sigma relationships are a perfect example of this.

𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠

Fyodor can still feel things, no matter how much he tries to hide it. We know where he channels his negative emotions (to sinners). But where do the positive ones go? Well, he dedicates them to God.

God is a time capsule for all the positive feelings that are still left inside Fyodor. They're too vulnerable, too tender, too childish to share them with humans. People will only trample over them and leave him empty.

But Dostoevsky still can't part with his sentiments. They give his heart a little jolt so it can keep living a little longer. So where can he direct them?

God is left as his only safe space for that.

Fyodor treats the concept of God like a coffer, where he can store his dreams from the earlier days. All of his hopes, aspirations, fantasies are better be locked inside the God's chest. Since God is the only one occupying Fyodor's brain, he'll keep them safe.

Devine being became a target for Fyodor's affection because He can't reject or hurt Dostoevsky in any meaningful way. It's left up to Fyodor's mind to imagine God as he likes. And so he does it.

God becomes not only a symbol to thrive for, but also a companion that helps him to cope with the loneliness.

God accepts all the Fyodor's needs humanity haven't fulfilled. His agonizing idealism, his need for deep understanding of his soul and a connection that makes him feel at home.

Surely, during the centuries of Fyodor's life, he came close to forming a bond with people at least a few times. But the process of separation was so painful, Dostoy decided it wasn't worth it anyway.

His failure to organically morn the end of his relations led to his fatal inability to reattach once again. Fyodor mistrusts new people in his life: he compartmentalizes them, puts on labels, and tries to keep every interaction under control.

The only one who can relate to this mindset is Bram, but even he is able to break away from it because of Aya. Stoker risks taking interest in the girl and then sacrifices his life for her. Now Bram's time is no longer frozen in place, he's moving forward, his character progresses.

But Fyodor is too overwhelmed with his feelings and memories that have never healed. He probably thinks that even a small bit of a emotional pain will break him entirely. So even if someone comes to Dostoevsky, waving a friendship flag in the air, Fyodor will shut down to keep them away.

This is what happened with Gogol. Nikolai wanted to be friends with Fyodor. But Dostoy never showed him any of his deeper emotions. By hiding all personal information, Dos-kun maintained a distance between himself and a jester. So the later couldn't reach out to and comfort Fyodor even if he wanted.

Of course, there is always a chance that Gogol would use Dostoevsky's feelings against him. And Fyodor also probably thought about that, so he cut off that option entirely. Sadly, we'd never see where their connection could lead, if Dostoevsky chose to share with Nikolai his everything. Maybe, it would lead to an even bigger disaster, but perhaps they would be able to find some solace in each other.

Now Fyodor is too hurt to open up his soul. All the scars on it had fused into an armor, protecting him from caring about others. Dostoevsky's soul became a shell, impenetrable from the outside. He made sure it would never change. His fortress. His prison. His mind.

Trapped inside of it, Dostoevsky still craved for someone to be there for him. Fyodor wanted a friend with whom he could converse without lying. He wanted a family. Maybe, he even wanted a lover.

Therefore, God was cast in all the roles that had been left vacant in Fyodor's life. And of course, Devine Being could fulfill them better than anyone. At least, from the Dostoy's perspective, his life was easier this way.

In Fyodor's story, God is a star of every relationship he still has.

God is almost like a friend, but he won't argue back or abandon him in pain. He won't make Fyodor feel inadequate by disagreeing with his perspective.

God is like a family, but he loves Fyodor unconditionally or at least His “conditions” are kinder than human ones. They're much more bearable than the rules Dostoevsky had to abide by when he was a child.

God is like a lover, but his love isn't physically “sinful” (whatever sexuality Fyodor has, it's very morphed and repressed). Devine being won't be put off by Fyodor's appearance and won't leave once He sees who Fyodor truly is.

God is like a teacher, but he doesn't have a hidden agenda and actually wants Fyodor to be better. God knows indefinitely more than Fyodor, so He can always share something new from His well of knowledge.

And of course, God will never change, die or choose someone else. He is always there.

It feels safe for Fyodor to love and admire someone who is so perfect.

And well, God can't disappoint.

𝐃𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐯𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐆𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭

Fyodor can't love himself through his POV. He can't tolerate his mind from his own perspective. Dostoevsky resents his being, his soul, and thoughts. They're tainted by Fyodor's self-judgement, disappointment in his results, unattainable standards, other inner struggles.

But then he imagines God, it's different. Fyodor takes a look into His higher mind through prayer, and sees light and warmth directed at humanity. That makes Dostoevsky want to be a part of it again.

Not in the present, though, where people are sinful and cruel. In the future. Fyodor will join the renewed, renovated humanity, freed from abilities, living joyfully in heaven. They'll all be loved by God, by each other and even by themselves. Forever. He wants to believe in that.