Thethisthat - Just A Lil Guy HQ - Tumblr Blog

messages I will never get to send: I love you

I am between my secret accounts, deleted accounts, my Pinterest board, my google docs, notes app, Tumblr, and in the chat box of a long dead roblox game and in pages scrawled in any notebook I've ever had.

I wish to feel a little frightened here

God.

“Got my very first kitten yesterday and this is how she ended up after playing all day”

(Source)

Cant be casual. Info dump your interests to me for 4 hours so I can curate you the perfect birthday gift 10 months in advance. You could never bore me. Burden me. Burden me. Burden me.

Understanding

He hates me

His eyes are so brown and dark like space Ive fallen into their softness

He regrets me

He played his head on my lap and all was perfect in the world

Hes quietly leaving

The silence being wrapped into him wasn't so dreadful as when im alone

He doesn't really miss me

He remembered what I said months ago

Im becoming grotesque in his eyes

Id rather be endlessly bored with him than anywhere else. Im at peace in this grueling gray as long as im your company

Was It doomed from the start?

In his room with him handing me things and seeing his eyes light up I fell in love with what he loves and I washed space in my mind for what was important

Was he using me?

Ive never felt so safe and so natural before

He found something better

I don't want to not trust him. I believe it when he says there's no one else.

He'll leave me behind

He'll come back

I yearn

I hope

at 17 my best friend told me she’s scared of starting relationships because she gets bored of people quickly. How quickly do people do that? How did we go from “I thought of you (all those months we didn’t talk)”, “in a perfect life I would have met you sooner”, “I don’t trust myself in a relationship but with you I don’t know”, “I miss your face- is that weird to say?”, “I miss your touch”, “I miss you”, “babe”, “baby”, ” doll” “love”, “my love”, “my darling”, holding my hand while nap and not letting it slip, forehead kisses and pressing your nose and forehead to mine, tucking me into your blankets, showing me your collections, your things, your cologne, your awards, your favorite places to being barely here, always lingering at the door, looking back only sometimes, moving less and saying I wish I wish but never telling me what or why. I’m right here. I’m right here.

We're Connected

Intimacy isn't about sex

the more intimate the sex the more its about truth

its about truth

the truth of how my body looks exposed

truth is how I look how I am how I feel uninhibited unregulated undiluted unraveled misshapen

the truth of me when we are as near together as possible

"we're connected"

You and I are forever changed

there is no going back

I will never be able go scrub my skin of you and neither can you

When we part for good it will be like thorns torn from wool

I hope to god I won't have to tear myself or be torn from again.

vacation pet

All I know is patience and how to wait at the door and in the living room and how to reach and hold back how to face away but never turn away how to live on but never leave how to be there again and again till my soul is a permanent fixture and oh this would all be fine if I didn't yearn so much more.

Breaths

I miss you

I miss your warmth

and the warmth of your gaze

the brown of your eyes and the wrinkles in the corners when you smile

I miss your nose and the curl and plush of your lips

I miss your breath on my upper lip and your stubble

I miss the curve between your neck and shoulders and the angles of your hands

I miss your stomach and how perfect you are to hold

I miss your touch and your adorable smile

I adore you and the ways you laugh

and the ways you talk and your touch and I just miss you

I miss you I miss you

I could go on and on but then id just be putting your being to letter

You leave me calm you leave me yearning knowing touched and warmed

you leave me with more love for you than my heart can spill in one time that its cruel that I must leave and wait and hold it instead

I want to touch my love to your face and your shoulders

I want to kiss your ribs and touch your nose to mine

I want to be your peace

Let it be missing you until next time and not until another life.

It feels like death

I love you.

I realize ive never loved before.

I realized it the day 3 weeks ago when you tucked me in so gently

I realized it when I was bored as hell in that car for 48 minutes with you driving in traffic on a cloudy wet day but I wouldn't rather be anywhere else

I realized it when I would rather touch my full palm to a hot stove than feel any carnal way for another man

I realized pain when you left me hanging for a week and a half

sure you didn't die

you texted me everyday

once

a day

I asked you 3 times over the week what happened

"I feel like we don't get to talk as much.."

to no direct answer

you started answering back between more time than a day

2 days

3 days

you wouldn't let it go past 3 days

what am I to you

a body

a trophy

an experiment

something to pass the time

a body to hold you and not a soul

It feels like death

there's a hole in my chest that im not used to and every morning I wake in a sweat at 3 and then 4 and then 5 am worrying where you went

when you'll come back

if you'll come back

did you lose feelings?

where they there at all?

I could have sworn

3 weeks ago

when we were together in person that day

that in those 7 hours

you had only increased in affection for me

im sorry I can't look/be like those only fans girls you follow

im sorry im so grotesque

It feels like death when you leave me

I told you how he left me and this feels familiar

there is a wound in my stomach there is a wound in my stomach

you took what you wanted and left with it

you can't put it back

you can't leave me gently?

You held my hand when I told you

you rubbed your thumb on the back of my knuckles and told me what he did was stupid

Was the past year that easy for you to let go of

am I that easy to forget

You know I hate being the second option

the 3rd the safety net

It feels like death

Im dying

I want to bathe in your gaze like sunlight

I want to drink your smile

cup your face in my hands

touch you

map your body to my memory

work the day out of your shoulders

your neck

your jaw

I want to be your peace

I want you to be weird around me

rant

stutter

make a big deal out of what your adore

tell me something stupid

something crazy

talk to me about something quotidian

I want to be bored with you but you could never bore me

dance badly; sing off key; laugh loudly

I want to be your peace

Love is when I was looking at the water standing on the shore when a from thin air a woman with sunglasses and a warm smile came up to me and gave me a bear hug before going on her way.

She doesn't know that was the only hug I got in 3 years.

What I’m saying^^

you just had your hand on my chest

its on my stomach now

under my sweater but over my thermal and im in your car and its cold outside but we're making it warm in here

you've touched your nose to mine and told me its your favorite thing to do

its my favorite thing too, I didn't say it

I try not to wonder who's nose you touched when you found out you liked it

20 maybe an hour maybe an eternity ago I don't remember the time

we got in your car and you tried to kiss me

you learned ive never kissed before and I learned I love to kiss

my brain is fuzzy in a happy way

its securing a my understanding of us

you pull away for a breath

your next breath is

"Im not looking for a relationship.."

My mind grows a soft white blank

you ask if I am

I lie

No

I don't know

but

I would like one in the future

your still staring at my lips

staring at my eyes

im not looking at your face right now

I don't want to give away any emotion

your eyes are so brown

so so brown ive already fallen in

im cool

im casual

I suffocate a small voice of a little girl saying this is the beginning of the end

im cool

im casual

I don't want to talk like this

hear those words again

I want you to kiss me again

you kiss me again

we're talking about things that might be a little more solemn if they weren't spoken as intermissions between what we were doing

I want you

I could love you

you don't want me

is what I think that means

My Bildungsroman is finding out hash browns, origami, kisses, taking my earbuds out, and going to bed on time really do fuck. Also, love is more about finding some form of peace in a person and nothing really matters except love and being kind. And trusting is so much easier on the soul than going through life sus of everyone. And, your childhood hobbies really are cool and I don't want to live to work I just want to have a cozy place to live and I want to feel safe.

The only things that could quell my angst (depression) rn are a grilled cheese made with Kraft singles cut diagonal, a 30 pound weighted and heated blanket (make me panini), or that man with the big brown eyes (would also like to be made panini).

The only people that have a monopoly on me are people with cats in their house or people with BIG BROWN BABY COW EYES DARKER THAN YOU COULD EVEN PERCEIVE

Italy was perfected in New York and the rest should be discarded

New Jersey was the unsuccessful sequal

Toph, angrily: ARE YOU-

Zuko: Fucking.

Toph: -KIDDING ME?! YOU-

Zuko: Fucking.

Toph: IDIOT-

Sokka: ...what was that?

Zuko: Katara banned Toph from swearing, so I’ve volunteered to help her out -