Chosen By Loneliness

Chosen by Loneliness

I have a mother and a father near by. With the holiday just passing I had family here and it reminded me of what I never will have. I don't know when it happened, if I break down into the psychiatrist part of myself I suppose it's the fact that I loved and lost at such a young age and now what I have just doesn't fill the empty places in my heart. There's too little interaction, too little connection. I feel so disconnected to those right in front of me and so connected to strangers I've met on tumblr, ones I've read in a book, saw in a movie or television show, and most of all ones I've created in my own writing if a story. It might sound darn crazy, but loneliness isn't something that comes from just one thing, one year or one person. I think it's also the people around them, not spreading blame, I just think it is so important for ones to love beyond the words, and beyond the present and how was your day. Even more important to notice those who shouldn't be around. Evil, darkness can take the strongest down to their knees.

I wish....I wish I had that. I wish I had some sort of confidence in those I love as they will always be there. And on occasion I get to have them near by. But no one understands me and the majority of the time I'm invisible to them. It's terrible as I know they love me with their hearts. But they don't know ME, I hate it. As I want them to.  I have hoped it would one day change and at times I still believe it will happen. But the ache in my chest, it gets worse every day. I'm used to it being there, and I walk around making sure anyone I meet will never notice. Humans, we're such great actors, we never really show who we are to others. It drives me crazy. I don't know what I will ever do with this feeling, if I'll ever feel happy and content with how things are, or if I'll meet the great people on tumblr or anyone who can see and understand and connect to what I do...

Sequoia Red (via Sequoia Red)

Some may buy a TV or a bed, or couch when they get their first apartment, but mine will be a piano. I've always loved it. I crave the sound. I play keys in my head. But I never could afford one. No more than I could afford lessons, but I taught my self on an old keyboard. It broke years ago. But it sits here....as a reminder. I hate that so many things disappear from my life. I dream I get it back before I'm too old to read notes, too tired to sit on a bench and too sore to hit the keys.

Sequoia Red (via Sequoia Red)

I feel so alone. Like no one in the world feels this way, and it doesn’t even matter. It’s not important. It’s not important, maybe because I’m not important. I’m screaming out, doing everything in my power to be heard, yet even my silence is louder than my screams. What else can I do to be heard but to tear down my world, break apart my life? Die. I just want somebody to listen and not be angry that I’m not content, because I’m not. You know, I’m mot happy. I feel like I’m stuck in a world where no one wants me, in a world where I’m so completely different. I can never fit in or be understood. I can scream as loud as I want to but the screams will always fade because no one really knowws how to listen. Well, maybe this will show them.

- Roger Dawson’s Blog from “To Save A Life” (via listentomybullshit)

I hate how lost I feel...always invisible.

I can't tell left from right or up from down today...just drowning.

I wish I didn't feel this way. I have things I should be doing, I know it. Family is coming down this weekend and I'm not happy about it. I'm dreading the weekend. Dreading it.

Sitting here listening to sad music lol...I've never done that before.

Just feeling like I fail at everything and nothing will change...I hate it. I used to always believe everything will workout and I know as soon as this feeling passes, I'll probably believe it again. I just wish I could stop believing and I'd be living it. Talking about where I used to be, how things once were.

- Sequoia Red (via Sequoia Red)

I find it strange that I have practically nothing and people still continue to come at me full force and take the little that I have.

- - Sequoia Red (via Sequoia Red) - This year is just as rough as the last.

I'm doing absolutely nothing today. You cool with that?

Sequoia Red (via Sequoia Red)