I Hate That I Am Completely Capable Of Helping Everyone Else Figure Everything Out. But Not Only Can

I hate that I am completely capable of helping everyone else figure everything out. But not only can I not figure my own life out they never have the inclination to assist me with figuring it out.

Sequoia Red (journal) WWW.sequoiared.tumblr.com

According to you, I stand wrong. I act wrong, I breathe wrong. I live wrong. I am the utter definition of wrong.

- Sequoia Red

I am about to lose my home. I have been apartment hunting, trying to find a place and I haven't found one. Phone calls, applications and wishful thinking. Two days and seven hours is all I have left to stand on a floor, sit in my room, type on this computer. Soon I won't have electricity, Internet, a bed, a room, a kitchen, a home...I will have my boxes, and I may not even have that. I may just have my small bag to carry my necessities. I've asked the few people I do know for help, most abandoned me, others apologized but couldn't accommodate me, others just stared, 'that sucks.' This reminds me of what I learned years ago at 17 when my best friend died. And that's everything could be going wrong in your life, but everything around you looks perfect, even peaceful. I was walking around going from an apartment building I was hoping to enter, and the sky was a beautiful blue, the breeze was cool and refreshing, birds were singing, and kids were even playing in their driveway while their mother watched. The day felt like every other that I had once enjoyed. How can I feel so empty and broken, lost and even desperate on the inside while the outside world seems to be glowing with it's own rhythm and beat that has never matched my own? This is probably one of my last post as my computer will be boxed and stored or boxed and sold or boxed and stolen. Not sure what will happen over these next few days. I thought I could figure it out. I thought I'd find a way because I've made it this far. But it looks like this may be the end of the road. This may be where I am finally too weak to tread water and just sink to the bottom, take in all the water, never seen daylight, never feel air in my lungs again.

Sequoia Red (taken from my heart)

I am always there when you need me. It's my responsibility and my obligation and I should be there as you need me. But when I need you, you are not there. I call and you do not answer nor return. I end up sitting on the floor, wishing I wasn't forced to always be alone when this happens. But it always turns out this way.

Sequoia Red

A need to run. No where to go.

- Sequoia Red