Forever By My Side

forever by my side

mingyu still honors the love signified by his ring, even after all this time.

๑彡 kim mingyu x gender neutral!reader

๑彡 divorced!au/ex-husband!au, post-break up!au — fluff(?), angst(?)

๑彡 paragraph format — 0.8K words

masterlist

[gif’s full credit belongs solely to its owner]

๑彡 title is taken from zack tabudlo’s by my side (ft. tiara andini).

๑彡 thank you sm for the overwhelming love for my future in your eyes! please accept this as a thank you gift :]

๑彡 this is connected to that fic, a prequel of sorts, but can also be read as a standalone. (i highly recommend reading that, too, though.)

Kim Mingyu is a man of confidence.

He exudes confidence, regardless of what he does. It’s a natural part of his aura — something that he can never control at will.

It comes in handy for his line of work, which often requires him to socialize and impress others. Occasionally, though, it also needs him to give presentations in front of large crowds.

As his audience continues to stare at him, with a mix of glossed eyes and awestruck expressions, Mingyu begins to appreciate his inborn confidence a little bit more.

He’s an extrovert. He does well with crowds. He’s comfortable striking up conversations with complete strangers. He’s talkative and spontaneous and outgoing, amongst other things.

And with his confidence, Mingyu can command a room with ease.

Yet, still, it doesn’t necessarily mean he enjoys public speaking — especially if the crowd he’s addressing is full of college students who are currently everywhere, just not in the classroom.

He can hardly blame them. He has been in their shoes before. He knows what it feels like to listen to professors and guest lecturers drag on when he rather spend his time elsewhere.

"Well then, if you guys thought of more questions later," he began his wrap-up speech, "feel free to email me. Thank you—"

A flurry of moment on his right caught his attention, effectively halting his speech. However, the cause of it is gone by the second he turns.

The only evidence he has that he didn’t hallucinate the entire thing is the murmuring that suddenly engulfs the room. And the small folded piece of paper on his right that seems to appear out of the blue.

Mingyu reaches for the paper and looks around the room. He immediately notices the students’ renewed interest in him. Or perhaps — most likely — they are just interested in how he responses to the note.

He looks down as he opens the paper.

Mister, do you have a significant other?

He chuckles soundlessly. Not because of how off-topic it is from the presentation he just gave, but because it is apparently enough to bring you forth in his mind.

After all, you are his other half. Someone he met and fell in love with within the walls of your college campus. Someone he put great effort to deserve the heart of.

The only one he could see sharing a future with. The only one he went down on one knee for and waited for at the end of the aisle.

The only one he loves with his soul. The only one he respects and cherishes to an unfathomable extent.

Mingyu gives a shy smile to the sea of students before raising his hand, palm facing inward. He lets the gold band around his ring finger shine under the spotlights aimed at him.

Their collective disappointment is loud.

Mingyu finds their reaction amusing. He has watched countless people react to his marital status over the years. Those who appear dismayed, he notes, often try their best to hide it, albeit unsuccessfully. As a matter of fact, this is the first time anyone has ever showed disdain so openly — a whole group, too, no less.

He can’t stop the soundless chuckle that escaped. He has always been proud of his marriage. He boasts about it — and you — every chance that he gets. It’s something that always brings a smile to his face. Something that he never gets tired of.

Even after the divorce.

The end of your marriage had been a mutual decision. You both agreed that it was the best action to take, before anything escalated to something unbecoming. And, at the time, it was the best decision to take.

The end of your marriage didn’t signify the end of his love for you, though. That’s why, even years after the court made your divorce official, his wedding ring stayed on his finger.

Mingyu may have failed to keep you by his side, but he absolutely has no plans to rid himself of the only physical reminder of your marriage.

Mingyu may have lost his rights to claim you as his spouse; but at least in front of strangers, he can still pretend that the gold around his finger is more than a remembrance.

"How are you going to find a replacement for your wedding ring if you keep letting people think you’re still married?" Minghao wonders when he meets up with him after his presentation.

Ironically enough, his longtime friend personifies the reality that his façade only works with strangers. Those who don’t know what happened. Nor can read him like an open book. Nor notice the hint of sadness in his eyes.

Mingyu simply shrugs at that, "Bold of you to assume I want a replacement in the first place."

(After all, his wedding ring isn’t just a conversational piece. It’s also his lifeline . . . something he can’t bear to lose, especially when he already lost you.)

mr. jeon and his 58 cm shoulders

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝘼𝙧𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙇𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙂𝙤 (𝙆𝙈𝙂)

Pairing: Idol!Mingyu x Non!Idol reader

Genre: heavy angst. 

Summary: you both don’t want this, but you know you had to do this. 

Date of release: 12/3/22

Words count: 9, 151 words. 

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Author notes:

Hello, everyone! after uploading a fluffy shot, I would like to share my latest work that made me cry my eyes out for a few days. It was indeed such a long journey of story development, and I want to share it with you. I use Lisa as Mingyu's ex because FOR ME they are the perfect match. No hate for the queen. My inspiration was a video on TikTok about how seventeen broke up with you. And after watching that video, I have the urge to combine it with the story line that I have before. I really hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do. Any constructive criticism will be good and I apologize if there are any mistakes in grammar or any other else that you found in my writing. Enjoy!

with much love, oppaspearl.

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Playlist:

You know it was wrong to think that your boyfriend is out of love for you anymore when he gives you his world to you, treats you like a queen, stares at you with so much love in his eyes, and always be on your side. 

Maybe it’s the insecurity that blinded your mind.

The insecurity that you kept hidden deep down in your thoughts from the day you meet your boyfriend for the first time. He was a stranger back then, a friend from one of your friends that introduced to you at a party. Without asking who is he, what his job is, and how could he can be invited to one of the parties filled with so many Korean top public figures, you know that your friend introduce Kim Mingyu to you. 

It feels like yesterday when he shook your hands and give you sweet smile as he mentioned his name. You still can remember how the warmth of his strong hands holds you that night, how you melted inside as your eyes met his. The world seems to be stopped at that time as you both drowned in each other eyes, like in every romantic movie that you always watch when you were fourteen. The butterfly seems to be joyfully flying on your stomach as both of you drowned in conversation that night. Starting from there, you and Mingyu then spent time together a lot. 

Then it must become a question if you were so happy with him then why are you feeling insecure? 

Here is the thing, working in the Korean pop industry you know a lot. And by mean a lot, sometimes know everything without having to ask. You know how every celebrity goes on date without the fans and media knowing, how they act when the camera was not around them, and furthermore. Working with so many idols from different agencies, making you and your team talk about everything that happened. And Mingyu is one of the hot topics that your coworker always talked about. 

How they could not, Mingyu is the perfect package that every girl wanted. Do you want someone tall and bulky? Mingyu got it. Do you want to wake up with the view of your boyfriend cooking breakfast and shirtless in your kitchen the next morning after you have a date? Mingyu could do it. Or do you want to have a boyfriend who understands you and knows you more than you know yourself? Well, Mingyu is the one. 

It is not a secret that everyone loves Mingyu since also he is an optimistic guy that radiates positive energy to people around him. As someone who works behind the stage, it was also not a secret for you that some girls from any group or even solo artists are enchanted by Mingyu's charismatic energy. So when most of them know that you become close to Mingyu and had some projects with his group, Seventeen, the girls don’t hesitate to ask you to introduce them to him. You did, but in the end, Mingyu asked you to stop doing that since the person he wanted to get to know more is you. 

As your relationship become grow more intense than just friends who spent time together a lot to become a lover, you start digging more about him. Thankfully, you have a wonderful team that told you anything about Mingyu. Well, not talk bad about him, more like his history and other related. You then learn that Mingyu turns out already has two exes and one of them is working in the same industry as him. Your insecurity was risen by thousands as you then learned that the ex that works in the same industry as him is no other than Lisa Manoban, the Black Pink maknae. 

You’ve worked with Lisa before for few times and you could tell that she is a living angel. If you could describe her in three words they will be cheerful, kind, and gorgeous. She’s dropped-dead gorgeous. But she’s known as someone who is private and has high professionalism. 

If you look back again, you realized that Lisa is the female version of your boyfriend. 

You and Mingyu never talk deeply about his past relationship with Lisa, but you know that they dated for almost three years which you are pretty shocked because you were never taught that the relationship can be perfectly hidden for such a long time. What you learn from Mingyu is that they broke up because they start to grow distant due to their job schedule. He also told you that they broke up on good terms and they still be friends. 

Many of your best friends think you must be jealous of the relationship that Lisa and Mingyu had especially after knowing about their past relationship. But you assure them, that you are fine with it because it’s part of adulting. 

However, you start to feel that you are not fine when the thoughts of your boyfriend don't love you as they used to start to haunt you. More likely the thought of your boyfriend seems not entirely moved on from his ex. You know it’s normal especially when you dated Mingyu seven months after he broke up. This made sense since you read once that mostly after break up, a man starts to realize that he didn’t move on yet from his past in the six months after the breakup. 

Also, you may not have the thoughts if something did not happen. 

First, it started as a little shadow. You remembered very well it was last month when you accidentally look at your boyfriend's phone screen as you feel it vibrating beside you. While Mingyu went to the kitchen to get more popcorn for both of you, he left his phone on the sofa which landed beside you. Your eyes caught what was on the screen and you realize that it was room chat between him and Lisa. Turned out Lisa just missed calling Mingyu and not after that there was another message from her. 

Lisa 

23.30

I’m scared, what if something happened? Can you please come here? 

“Alright, let’s continue the movie, jagi.” 

Mingyu's voice already broke you down as he made his way back to beside you. You quickly turn your gaze to the television before you press the play button on the remote. There are thousands of thoughts running through your mind right now. Why was Lisa calling you Mingyu this late? Why did she ask Mingyu to go to her house at this moment? 

But what strikes you the most was turned out all this time when you focusing watch the movie on the television, Mingyu stole some time to chat with Lisa. You know that it’s childish to be upset about it, but you can’t help it. Sighing slowly, you hold yourself up. Maybe Lisa needs Mingyu's help and she was in a dangerous situation when no one could help her. You know the most that Mingyu doesn’t want to make people disappointed or felt alone. 

“Are you okay, baby?” Mingyu looked at you with more concern, and his arms wrapped around your shoulder, bringing you closer to his body. 

Smiling, you peck his cheeks to assure him that you are fine. When you have a thousand thoughts in your head. “I’m good, just suddenly think about work.” 

“You shouldn’t think about it when you're with me, baby.” he pouted before kissing your head. “This is why we have a movie night, remember? Just you and me, with love, not stress.” 

You just smirked at his words and nodded. Looked at your response, Mingyu just grinning and softly pushed your head with his free hand, so it can be rested on his shoulder as he holds your tight. 

“I love you so much, you know that?” he muttered to your head before kissing it again. 

“I know, I love you too.” 

“So much?”

“So much, baby.” 

Then for the rest, both of you just enjoy the movie tangled to each other. As your mind started to peaceful condition, your eyes slowly close halfway through the movie. The strokes of Mingyu's hands on your hair made you slowly drift to sleep. When you are about to get into a deep sleep you feel Mingyu’s phone start to vibrate for few times. Not only that you can also feel his right finger typing on his phone screen. You just drop it off and let the sleep take care of you. 

But the sleep turned out only last for a few hours because you were woken up by the wet feeling on your forehead. Opening your eyes for just a little and between the blurriness, you could see Mingyu strokes your hair for few times before he left you alone in his bed. You closed your eyes, not moving for the next half hour. Your eyes then looked to the digital clock on Mingyu's desk to find turns out it was two in the morning which was two hours after you drifted to sleep on Mingyu's shoulder. 

His apartment was too quiet for you and by that, you slowly rose from his bed then opened the door slowly. 

You slowly walked to the living room and found it was quiet and dim since the only lights that turned on were only the small light near the window. Your head turned to the kitchen which has an open concept, and you found it still neat and dark. A sigh left your mouth slowly as your cold feet made their way to Mingyu's office which was not too far from the living room. After walking slowly, you finally reached the door which was closed. Your hands slowly turned the knob but you did not find any trace of your boyfriend in the office either. 

With empty hands, you just walked back to his bedroom but your walk stopped as you realize that Mingyu's phone laying above the cold marble of the coffee table in the living room. Sighing, you took his phone and brought it with you to his bedroom. Seems like sloppy is still Mingyu's middle name. He always forgets about his phone when he was in a hurry which results in you calling his manager and telling him to pick it up. 

The door of Mingyu's master bedroom is closed and you make your way back to the bed to get some sleep. As you put Mingyu's phone on his wireless charger that is placed on his nightstand, the screen lights up. Narrowing your eyes to adjust the light, you saw that it was a new chat from Lisa.

Lisa

2.00

Just get it when you come, the pin is still the same. 

There was nothing bigger than your curiosity that night. You really wanted to know what they talked about. Mingyu and you know the boundaries about each other privacy but you both also don’t mind if one of you just want to use your phone because in the end if something was off you just talk about it like every adult does. Tonight, however, you just really to know what they talked at least to make you calm your noisy curiosity in your mind.  So, you decided to know the full version because you just don’t want to have another thought or even the worst thoughts that could make a huge impact on your relationship. 

Turned out the message between them two was growing more… intense? You learned that Mingyu accepted the offer that Lisa previously asked him which you already read earlier. You also learned that turns out Mingyu visited her yesterday before he went home. The funny thing is that it was the same time when he told you that he went to groceries to get some ingredients for him to cook. 

You just standing frozen and staring at the screen. Inside your mind, you were battling with yourself. Should you see the full chat of them to make sure that they didn’t do the last thing that you hoped? Or should you just cool it off and just be okay with it? But is it normal to act like nothing happened when your boyfriend visits his ex without bothering to tell you? 

So the heart won, and you decided to let it go and just bury yourself in the thick blanket that has Mingyu scents over it. As you landed on the perfectly comfortable bed of Kim Mingyu and were ready to get more sleep, your eyes didn’t corporate with you. Either it’s because of the coffee you had this afternoon or maybe the strange feeling that was caused by the winning of your heart, you didn’t realize that you’ve been tossing around for hours. Your eyes closed briefly but your mind was busy as hell. It was like a playground, with a lot of screaming, yelling, and storming mixed in one place which was in your mind. 

You opened your eyes and find out it was already four in the morning. Sighing you grabbed your phone and play your social media to distract your mind. But as you heard the sound of the main door opening, you put back your phone and close your eyes. You pretended to sleep as you heard the master bedroom door open. Not so long after that, you heard the sound of the shower running, then ten minutes later you feel arms wrapped around your waist and Mingyu's soft breath on the back of your neck. 

And so after what happened that night, you never asked Mingyu where he went or what was the reason why he left you alone for two hours. Mingyu also did not tell you about it, so you just let go of it even when you feel an unknown and strange feeling in your heart. 

You choose to ignore it. 

But you know you couldn't help to hope that it will be the first and the last time Mingyu did that. You kind of wish that Mingyu will just tell you about it without you having to ask first. On another side, you also know that his intention was just to give a hand to help Lisa. It was no secret for you and Mingyu that your boyfriend is such a people pleaser and sometimes you told him that he has to endure it. You know that he has a pure intention to help, not only Lisa but most people that asked him for help. 

The worst part is that the feeling and thoughts that you’ve been avoiding kept chasing you, especially when you realize that Mingyu almost spent his time off with Lisa. Mingyu still spent his time with you, but other than you and his groupmates, he spent more time with her. Usually, they went out alongside the 97 groups that you know.  Mingyu as a caring boyfriend explains to you that Lisa is currently homesick and since she couldn’t back to Thailand in a short time, she feels lonely. By that Mingyu told you that he and his 97 groups try to cheer her up. 

You try to be okay with it and pretend that it was not big deal. But eventually, the reality woke you up. The first thing that made you realize is that you and Mingyu slowly rarely meet each other or have dates like you used to have. Besides that the communication between you is also not more than asking about each other doing and activities. It just feels like you are back to the first stage. It was strange because usually no matter busy you are or he is, both of you will have your way to meet each other such as going home to your or his place, having a breakfast date or even just having a quick coffee run in the middle of your lunch break. You knew that during that time, Seventeen also have a flexible schedule since they just finished their world tour and awards season. 

You never thought that it will be a big storm after calming night. 

---

“So, are you gonna tell him?” 

Your head looks up and finds your boss, Suhoon, leaning at your door with arms crossed. Your lips slowly turned to smile as you leaned into your chair while Suhoon walk towards you with both of his hands in the pocket of his pants. Above your glass desk, there was a piece of paper in your grip. Your grip on the paper starts to loosen as you look at it with a blank expression. 

On your hold, the letter of scholarship acceptance in New York City for your postgraduate program was laid and you don’t seem happy at all. It was supposed to be a jolly night when the letter came when you are supposed to be celebrating your acceptance for the study program that you worked for about a year. You should celebrate it with your loved one, but here you are feeling empty. 

“YN,” Suhoon calls you softly. “You seem lost, are you okay?”

You nod, still looking at the paper that you held. Suhoon who knows you for more than five years, let out a sigh and you know he didn’t buy any of your response. 

“Don’t lie, tell me what happened.” 

“Just some issues,” you answer slowly.

“With Mingyu?”

Your right hand previously rubs the paper that you hold. Lifting your head slowly, your eyes then met with his brown ones that have been staring at you. 

“What’s happening?” Suhoon narrows his eyes before taking sit on one of the chairs in front of your desk. 

“I don’t know,” you say, with a low tone. 

Suhoon sighs and rubs his temple slowly. Working as your boss for the past six year makes Suhoon knows about you more than everyone in the office. Besides the fact that you regularly spent more time with him in the past to get your job done, you also hung out with him a lot. It made you become his litter sister that he always dream of. For Suhoon, you are one of the strongest women that he knows so far besides his mother and his wife. 

Being the last child of the kids in the family and with your family living overseas, makes you grow up alone and used to being alone. Suhoon even didn’t understand why you choose to live alone in Seoul and work hard while you can enjoy living in Europe with your family and work as you wanted. 

Little you didn’t know, Suhoon knows you are a fighter, but not for love. 

“YN,” Suhoon whispers. “Please just tell me, maybe I can help you.” 

“Is it normal for a man to visit her ex at two in the morning while his girlfriend sleeps in his apartment? Is it normal that I don’t want my boyfriend to spend more time with his ex? Is it normal for me to feel sad when my boyfriend even forgets about the scholarship that we kept talking about for months? ” 

Hearing your question, Suhoon looks up and his jaw drops. But different from him, you just sit there and didn’t have any expressions that show your true feelings. Suhoon clenched his fist and sighs as he realized who you talking about. All he wants to do right now was to punch Kim Mingyu in the face, but he know he couldn't do that. 

Because you love that bastard so much. 

“Oppa,” you call him softly. “I don’t want to move to New York, just because I need to run away from someone in here.” 

“You know you don’t have to,” Suhoon tells you. “You could just pick a great uni in here and you could move on.” 

“But..”

“YN,” Suhoon stands from his seat. “You are YN, one of the best fighters that I know, and one thing I know for sure is that you fight your ass up to finally achieve all this, to achieve the scholarship that you want since you are in your freshman year in college. You deserved to have a life like what you deserved.” 

“And what kind of life that I deserved?” 

Suhoon sighs again before looking into your eyes. “The life that made you realize that you have to let go of the person that you love, so then both of you can be better.  The life that could give you all the love that you deserved after a long journey.” 

You nod your head and open your mouth to speak further but then it was interrupted as you hear your and Suhoon's phone vibrates. Without thinking twice, you grab your phone and Suhoon too. Turns out it was one of your team who send messages in the work group chat of your team. 

DISPATCH 

UPDATE: SEVENTEEN’S KIM MINGYU AND LISA OF BLACKPINK SPOTTED BACK TOGETHER AND KISSED?! FIND OUT MORE [LINK] 

As you read the headline, your fingers start to tremble. Not after you read that, your coworker sent you the photos of them. Your eyes look to four photos that are being sent on the group chat. It was them, it was them.  The height difference, the broad shoulder of your boyfriend, and even the cap. The baseball cap that you gave him six months ago. Your thumbs just hover over the screen as you look at the final photo which showed that your boyfriend grabs his ex's waist and kissed her on the lips. What is so funny is that in the article it said that they kissed on November 19th, the day of your anniversary. 

You could feel your world start to crumble. Your hands couldn't grasp your phone anymore, and your eyes were blurred by your tears. The phone falls back to the carpet and you can see that there is someone calling you and you know who. 

Without you realizing it, Suhoon grabs you and hugs you tight. Your head leans to his chest as tears start to stream down your cheek. You feel numb, you feel like you cannot do something, and Suhoon keeps whispering some words to you that you couldn't point at the moment. 

It was like Suhoon hugging a mannequin. But that’s what you feel even when your head was in a chaotic situation. 

Your body is in pain like you were just falling from the highest building on earth to the lowest ground. Tears cannot stop streaming from your eyes, you wanted to scream but then you were just too hurt to do anything. 

--

You used to don’t know what is worse than going home with a drunk head. 

But now you know the answer. The answer is that going back home to your apartment with your non-stop ringing phone and a broken heart. Your heart begins to pound and your head is ready to be blown up any second. After Dispatch release the photo, Suhoon insisted to drive you back home, and using the privilege of being your boss, you accepted his offer. 

On the way back to your apartment, your eyes just focused on the view outside of the car. Your body leaned to Suhoon's leather car sit as he drove beside you. Your cold hands grip your bag as you keep telling yourself to not cry in front of Suhoon. Suhoon who drove the car just let the atmosphere become cold and quiet. He knows that the last thing you need is him bickering and asking how you feeling when he already knows the answer. As his Mercedes-Benz reached your apartment complex, you mutter thank you but you avoid his eyes. 

Before you step out of his car, Suhoon's hand holds your cold ones and makes you turn your head to look at him. There were ten until twenty seconds of silence before he told you that he is one call away if you need anything and the only response that he got from you was only a nod. 

Still, in your clothes, you are now sprawled out in your bed. Your bag was not too far from you, as you can see that the sky become darker in minutes. Your phone still ringing and you know who try to contact you. You just start blankly at the sky as it becomes darker and darker, while your mind was screaming. You don’t know which was hurt since it was too painful. 

Deep down, you know what makes you hurt the most and it was yourself.

If only you know that the man that you love still loves his past, maybe you are not in this position now. You could just live happily and he can do that too. So, you wonder again, is this how the universe trying to tell? With you being Mingyu's girlfriend, make them realize that their love was stronger than ever. Was the universe send you to him, so he can realize how much his love for her?

You wanted to scream.

You wanted to yell to the universe. 

But all you do now is just lie in your bed as tears slowly left your eyes. It feels like you are dying slowly. The pain was too hurtful to bear, to at least make you furious. You just feel…numb and stupid. Stupid because you know it will happen and you don’t stop yourself to get hurt. 

Slowly you turned your head to your bag that sprawled not too far from you. Your eyes stare at it for a few seconds, before you let out a sigh and slowly sit on your bed as you reach for your bag to get an item. Your hand took your phone from your bag and again for the nth time, you take a long deep breath before your phone screen lights up. 

There were some missed calls and new messages that spammed your notification. Of course, most of them were from Mingyu and the rest was from your best friends and all member of Seventeen. Your best friends asked where you were and how are you holding up after the news. From your notification, you can read how they are yelling at each other and how they want to fight Mingyu at the moment. 

Besides your best friends, all members from Seungcheol and Chan also asked about your well-being and asking where you were. You get the most message from Seungcheol and Seungkwan who are pretty close to you. From their message, you can feel their worry about you. 

Then the last you read how your boyfriend handle the situation that was caused by him, well accidentally caused by him. Mingyu has missed calling you about thirty times, and most of his messages were telling you that he can explain what’s happening, asking where you were, and he told you that he was on his way to your office so you can go home with him. It was roughly five minutes when you arrived at your apartment. 

Either it’s because your job to handle some crisis or it was too painful that makes you numb, you sigh and write a message to him. 

To: Mingoo ❤️‍🔥

21.00

I’m fine and I’m already back at my apartment since five minutes ago. I think I need time alone to calm myself, please.

So you just hit the send button before turning off your phone. You don’t know what to do, and for the first time in your life, you don’t know what you should do. It hurts every corner of your body, and you just want to sleep it off, hoping the nightmare was gone when you woke up in the morning. 

Maybe it is a good idea for you, to clean your make-up, has a hot shower, and then sleep. 

Rising from the bed, you slowly take off your coat and put it on your chair before moving to your wardrobe. Heck, you even couldn’t walk properly. Besides the fact that it hurts every inch of your body, your mind still can’t function properly. Like your mind was torn into some parts that are buried in different yet deep places inside of you. What made it worse is that you don’t have enough energy to look for each piece and fix it like it used to. 

Deep down you cursed yourself. 

You knew it will happen, but why didn’t do anything?

Why were you just peacefully sitting there while you know it will make you hurt? 

There were so many questions you asked yourself, but you couldn't answer one of them yet. You wonder what Mingyu truly feels, was he mean it when he says that he loves you? Was it coming from his heart, or it was just to convince himself that he loves you more than Lisa? 

You cannot lie to yourself that you didn't love him because hell you love him more than you love yourself. You realized it when it was already two months after you have the first date with him, you know it was such a short time for you to admit that you love him. Heck, you won’t be this painful if you don’t love him. 

As your hand takes some shirts from your wardrobe, your eyes then focused on a black box that is perfectly hidden between your shirts. Without realizing it, your hands slowly grab the box. Tears start to gather in your eyes as you realize what was inside the box.

It was supposed to be Mingyu birthday present. 

You remembered very well how you secretly contact so many people as you looked for the jacket that Mingyu always talks about. You remember very well how Mingyu talks about it and sadly said to you that jacket was discontinued. It’s a simple black jacket with the hoodie on, but there were some details on the pocket that made it look chic, which made it suit Mingyu. And luckily you find the jacket in his size. 

You are the type that has a hard time keeping everything in secret. So, keeping your gift from Mingyu is a very big challenge for you. It is also the reason why you hid it deep inside your wardrobe. Walking towards your bed with the box on, you keep glancing at the box before you open it. 

The jacket was still there, neatly packed with some white tuile to protect it from any dirt. Above the jacket, there was an envelope that has not been closed. You decided to open it and realize that it was a letter that you wrote alongside three polaroids of you and Mingyu. On the first polaroid was you and Mingyu who stares at each other with big smile and so much love in each gaze. Mingyu arms are wrapped securely around yours, as your right hand were on his chest. You realized that it was the photo that you took when you visit his family for Chuseok and the polaroid was taken by his sister as the three of you enjoying the evening view from Mingyu’s balcony. 

In the same place as the first one, the second photo has the same background but it has differences. In the second photo, Mingyu looked at the view while you look at him with so much love in your eyes. His arms are still wrapped around you but your hands, not his chest. And the last one was the polaroid of you wrapped around each other at Wonwoo's birthday dinner. Smiles were wide on your and Mingyu’s lips.  

Seeing those pictures made you miss Mingyu more. It feels like you just want to run to his arms and beg him to stay. But all of your thought was ripped as your eyes focused on the second picture. It made you wonder if that is how your and Mingyu’s life could be if you just let all of this go. You know that by loving someone, you also need them to be happy. 

Those big smiles that you secretly found on Mingyu's lips several times as he typed something on his phone, or the times when you look at his happy expression as Chan danced to one of Lisa’s songs in their fan meeting has made you realize something. Maybe letting Mingyu go, will make him find his happiness which is on Lisa. 

Yes, you will be hurt. 

Yes, it’s gonna take a long time to heal it. 

But you know that you could not make Mingyu happy. You love Mingyu and he loves you, but you know that his love for Lisa is bigger than what both of you have right now. You are not blind, you clearly can see it in his eyes and how acts. 

You know it’s time for you to leave and stop being in the middle of two people that fall in love. 

And so by that, your body collapses on your bed as tears stream around your eyes. You try to scream but you can’t because it is just too painful. It was too painful for you to let the person that you love the most go and back to his happiness. 

But you know, sooner or later it will be more painful to see him pretending to be happy when he’s not. It will be more painful to finally realize that you could not make him happy. 

You realized, right now is the perfect time for you to leave. 

---

Seungcheol

19:00

He just left the dorm, on the way to his apartment. Are you there? Please be safe, call me if you need anything.  

Your eyes look at your phone screen. Reading back to the message that Seungcheol sent to you fifteen minutes ago, you sigh slowly and lean into the chair. You tighten your hands as you mentally prepare for what you want to talk about. Turning your head to see the view outside, you realize that it was already snowing. It’s the perfect time for you to play with some snow and enjoy a cup of hot chocolate. Your mind traces back to the memories of when you used to play in the snow outside with your brother while your mom told you to go back before you catch a cold. 

Speak of your brother, you missed him. You missed having him around you, you missed how you can talk for hours about all your problems with him, and you missed how he hugs you to assure you that you are safe. Those warm hugs that keep you calm in the middle of the storm. 

Maybe after all of this is finished, you will back home and call your brother right away. 

“YN?”

Your head turns to where the voice has called your name softly.  The voice was too familiar for you. Standing not far away from you, Mingyu looks at you with his mouth half open. Your eyes meet his and you can see that he looks fresher than ever. Mingyu walks slowly towards you with his eyes still on you while you raise for your sit. 

“Baby,”

Please don’t call me that, you beg silently in your mind. 

You try to keep your tears in place but your mind betrays you. A tear left your eyes as you sadly smile at him. The mixed feeling that you got as you look at him after two days of radio silence was so overwhelming. Deep down all you want to do was bury yourself in his warmness, but you know you couldn't do that. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Mingyu whispers before he walks to you and hugs you tight. As his arms wrapped around you, your arms just stay in the position. You didn’t hug him while he hugs you like there is no day for tomorrow. Tears flow down your cheek as you also can feel a wet feeling on your hair. Indeed, both of you cry. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Mingyu whispers again and again before he looks into your eyes. “We can fix everything right? I love you,” 

I love you too, but I know you love her more. 

You just stare at him blankly. His brown eyes with so many worries as you try to memorize them closely. The moles on his nose, his puppy eyes, every detail of Mingyu that you know will be missed. Especially those lips. Gosh, those plumpy lips that kissed you with so much love and passion. Those lips that give your head and cheek pecks whenever you are wrapped around his arms.

“Mingyu-ah,” you take a deep breath before looking straight into his eyes. You realize how his eyes widened as you call him by his name instead of the nicknames that you always used. Not Gyu, baby, babe, loves, chagi, but just Mingyu. “I-I think we need to talk about it, about us.” 

Mingyu looks at you like he knows what will you talk about. Lowering his gaze before letting out a sigh, he then nods slowly before sitting on the sofa. You sit beside him, giving space between both of you. For a few seconds, there was huge silence between you, as you glued your eyes to your hands that were on your lap. You still don’t have any guts to look at Mingyu back but you know he was looking at you. 

“Before we talk,” Mingyu’s husky voice ripped the silence. “Can I hold your hand?”

Still lowering your head, you nod at him and take his hands to yours. Now in your sight, you can see clearly how your hands holding his right hand. The difference with your cold hands, his hand was warmer and it makes you hold it with both of your hands. But the warmth of his hand also pulls you to the reality where you have to talk about it right now. 

Mentally prepare yourself for the second time, you take a deep breath before asking, “It was true, wasn’t it?” 

“Chagi,” 

“Please don’t lie and cover it up,” you mumble to him. “I need the truth.”

There was firmness that Mingyu felt in your tone and he knows you already know something. Something that is cruel and has been hurting you. None like other people who punch him in the face, you just sat there beside him and still held his hands. 

“Yes,” Mingyu weakly answer. 

“Does she knows about us?” you ask. As the question left your mouth, you prepare yourself for his answer next. You were silently thankful that you are holding his hand because it was a distraction so you don’t have to look into his eyes. 

“No,” your thumb that slowly caresses his hands suddenly stops. 

You were frozen as you heard his answer. Among all the problems, it was one thing that made you feel like just being punched by someone in every inch of your body. But then again, your thoughts just laugh at you, knowing it will be happening. You should have known this. Why did Mingyu bother to let Lisa knows about your relationship with him when he was still in love with her? Stupid you. 

It made you realize too that your relationship with Mingyu was being hidden pretty well like how you hid the black box in your wardrobe. 

A tear escapes from your eyes and touches his hands. Feeling the wetness of it, Mingyu becomes a little bit tense and you can feel it from his hands. Cursing yourself for letting the tears out, you just nod. You just nod like it was a normal thing that you heard every day when it was not at all. 

“I think we should end here, Mingyu.” 

As the sentences left your mouth, Mingyu straighten his body but not pulling his hand from yours. You know that your sentence must be shocked him because it honestly shocked you too. 

But you don’t have any better choice. 

“Y-YN…”

“Let’s end whatever we have in here, Mingyu.” 

This time you look into his eyes. There was no trace of stars or even love that you used to see before. His eyes scream confusion, fear, and any of it that you never imagine seeing in his beautiful eyes. While your eyes screams pain and tears welled up, your lips however tugged a beautiful smile. It hurts you too, more than anything.  

“Chagi, no.” Mingyu shakes his head and holds your hands with his. His voice becomes tremble as you can see tears in his eyes. “No, we can fix this, please, I-I-I love you… I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be this far, I swear. W-we can talk about it, I tell her now about us and--” 

You lower your head and shake your head slowly. “There is nothing we can do, Mingyu.” 

“B-But I love you!” His hold on your hands becomes tighter as his voice increased. Yet, you still lowered your head and avoided his eyes. “P-Please, just let’s talk about it and I swear… gosh… I swear to start to forget everything about her. Please just… stay.”

“I can’t,” you look at him. “You love her, Mingyu, you still love her and I can see it clearly in your eyes. Even if we fix whatever it is, it can hurt us, it can hurt you even more.” 

There is a pause between both of you, and as Mingyu doesn’t reply to your last sentence, you take a deep breath before continuing. 

“I don’t want to do this either,” you chuckle softly. “But I cannot force the person who I love to stay with me because I know it will hurt them, it will hurt you. You deserve to be with someone that you love, Mingyu. You deserved to live and earn that happiness, even when it does not come from me.” 

Mingyu lowered his head before you could see his shoulder shake. You know he cries and it hurt you too. Without knowing it too, you also silently cry. Both of you still held each other hands, but both of you also drowned in the cries. Looking up, you sniffle and without thinking twice you pull Mingyu into your arms. In seconds his arms make their way to hug you and you can feel that he still softly cries on your neck. 

“I’m not mad at you for loving her, Mingyu,” you say softly as your hands threads his soft hair. “Because you have the right to love the person that you want and you deserve that. You deserve to be happy with someone you love and I don’t want to hold you from that. You still have me on your back, whenever you need me... I’m just call away even when I’m not yours or the otherwise. I love you, and let me love you with my way from now, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Mingyu looks up. You can feel how your heart broke as you look into his glassy eyes. “I’m sorry I used you, YN.” 

You shake your head. “No, you’re not, Mingyu.”

“But I am,” he sighs. “I took you for granted… gosh I used you as my rebound, YN. I used your love to heal my feeling, then I just run away from you by bringing your heart with me. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey.” you softly call Mingyu and make him look straight into your eyes. “It’s okay, I will be okay, Mingyu.”

“But I hurt you the most,”

“You are worth it,” you sadly smile. “You are worth the pain that I have, Kim Mingyu.”  

--- 

The street was… emptier than usual. 

It was around eleven o’clock when Kim Mingyu’s Range Rover slid through above Gangnam streets. As his left hand was on the wheel and his eyes focused on the road, his right hand was nestled on your hand. Your eyes are glued to the outside view as you lean on the leather seat. Between both of you, the silence was thickly lingering which was different from the usual. Usually, at this hour, you and Mingyu were nestled in each other arms on his bed or having some karaoke car night as you both went to some fast food restaurant. 

But tonight, it was different. 

There was a box of your clothes in the back seat. Clothes that you purposely put on Mingyu's wardrobe. You decided to take them all with you back to the place they were from tonight. Alongside your clothes, your heart also comes with you tonight as you put back Mingyu’s back into his hand. 

After your talk, Mingyu insisted to drive you home. You declined the offer at first, saying that you just take a taxi and you don’t want to make him go back pretty late. Deep down, you just don’t want to be in the same car with Mingyu, especially in the car that always accompanies your date with him. 

“I know it's selfish, but let me just…drive you back for the last time. I just want to spend more time with you as… a lover, before today ends.” 

You sigh as you look at Mingyu's expression as he told you the real reason why he insisted to drive you back. To be fair, you have the same wish as him but you buried it as the thoughts came to your mind. Looking at his lost blank expression, you then finally accept his offer. But as Mingyu look at the box that was filled with your clothes, he was frozen. As you mention to him that you are ready, Mingyu sadly smiles at you before grabbing the box. 

“C-Can I hold your hand? Please?”

As Mingyu steps into his car after closing your door, Mingyu looks at you. You look at him with a blank expression before nodding. This time, Mingyu pulls your hand to his as he starts to drive. After that, both of you just drowned in each other thoughts. 

You don’t know what’s on his mind, but you do know very well about yours. If someone asks you about what you feel right now, you honestly don’t know what to answer. Not only you were tired, but you just don’t know where to start to explain it. You love Mingyu and you never expect to be in this situation where it forced you to let him go. But here you were, sitting on the passenger seat of Mingyu's car and holding his hands while you can feel yourself starting to lose yourself. 

“We are here, love.” 

Blinking your eyes, you realize that both of you are already in your apartment block parking lot. You take a deep breath, before nodding and taking off the seat belt. Mingyu’s driver seat door was just open as you call his name softly and tighten your hold on his hands. Not three seconds, Mingyu turns his head and finds that you still sit in your seat with glassy eyes that look forward. 

“Mingyu-ah,” you take a deep breath before looking at him. “I’m sorry.”

Hearing you apologize, Mingyu frowns at you before sighing. But as he open his mouth and was ready to speak, you cut him off by continuing, “I know I should fight for us, but I don’t think I could…I don’t know if I can be strong enough in the future and I don’t want to trap you in the relationship that holds you from your happiness.”

“Oh, love--”

“I love you, Mingyu,” you say between your tears, tightening your hold on his hands. “This past year was… pleasant to have you in my life. Thank you for making my life more…happy and colorful with your love. Thank you for loving me even when I’m at my lowest, and thank you for always being there. I’m glad that I met you and am yours.”

“YN,” 

“Don’t cry,” you sadly smile and wipe his tears with your thumb. “Please don’t make it harder, Gyu.” 

“I’m sorry,” he says between his tears. “Gosh, I love you… I do, YN, please believe me that. I’m sorry for this happening to you, I’m sorry that I can’t move from my past, YN. Sorry for seeing you as her.”

“Hey look at me,” you cup his face with both of your hands and look him forward with your glassy eyes. ”It’s not your fault, okay? Don’t blame yourself because you falling in love with someone. Mingyu. I’m glad you have her in your life, I do, and I know that you can do so much better and happier with her. I know you can love and protect her more than me, Mingyu. I know that.” 

“But I hurt you, YN!” Mingyu snaps. “You, the person that put your heart into me, the one that always sees me even when no one does, the person that taught me so much, the person that I suppose to love only and--”

Without any word, you pressed your lips to him. For the last time, please. The kiss feels different while there are nothing changes. You still can feel the softness of Mingyu's lips, the mint flavor, and the feel of his hand grasping your neck softly. Physically nothing changes but mentally everything changes. You know after this kiss and after you left him, there will be no us between both of you. 

There will be no YN and Minyu as a couple. There will be no more nights spent in each other arms, no more late-night calls when Mingyu is overseas, no more Mingyu who accompany you working late in your living room, and no more sweet kisses from Kim Mingyu. 

You are all alone again. 

“I love you,” you whisper as you broke the kiss. “I will always love you, even when you are someone else’s.” 

Mingyu nods and closes his eyes. “I love you too, YN YLN, always and I’m sorry.” 

“I’m sorry too…” you nod. “Goodbye, Kim Mingyu.”

And so you take a deep breath before letting go of his grasp. Wiping your tears, you mentally support yourself to get a little bit stronger at least until you are already secure in your apartment. You smile at him before you pull the door open. Tighten your hold on your coat, you then go to the back seat to take the box. You don’t want to bother Mingyu who seems lost and still in his seat as so take the box and close the door.

Before walking to your apartment's main door, you wave your hands at him as he stares at you blankly. Without wanting more time, you just walked to the door as tears streamed down your cheek. You hold the box tight as you silently cry. The pain was stronger than before until it make you cannot walk properly but you force yourself because you don’t want Mingyu sees you like that. 

Don’t turn your back. 

Don’t look at him again. 

Just walk and cry, YN. 

“YN,” 

You heard Mingyu calls your name and make you stop walking. Betraying your mind for the nth time, you turn your body to look at him. Mingyu stood all 187 cm, and the dark navy coat that has a grey collar that he wore perfectly shaped his body. His eyes were red and swollen same as yours. 

“Thank you,” pause. “Thank you for letting me love her.” 

Smiling at him, you just nod while your heart cries loudly. You then walk inside your apartment building, leaving him back in his car. As you wait for the elevator, tears cannot stop leaving your eyes. The pain was too painful to bear with it, and it made you realize that you are alone now, without Mingyu. 

---

“So, did you tell him?” 

You look up from your phone before turning your head to Suhoon who sits beside you.  The departure from Incheon Airport was empty when you arrived. Cold morning breeze haunts your skin even when you are already protected by your thick Burberry coat. Today is the day when you will be leaving for New York and Suhoon alongside his wife was accompany you tonight like how your parents do every time you leave Europe. 

Heck, you were even already in the airport six hours before check-in opened. 

You shake your head for the answer to his question. Instead of giving you long lectures, Suhoon just stares at you before slowly nods. He knows that maybe it was the best decision and he believes you have your own reason why you didn’t tell Mingyu about your departure. It’s been a month since the breakup, and Suhoon already noticed some changes in your life that mostly you don’t want to discuss it. He is thankful for the scholarship because of it most of his time was being used to process some documents for your departure. But Suhoon cannot cover the fact that he is also sad because he lost the happy version of you, the colorful version of you. 

Suhoon who knows you for years even shocked too by the way how you calm and managed to survive the pain that he knows hurts you the most. Yes, he did see you cry. Yes, he noticed how your eyes looked puffy when you walked to the office. But with you sitting beside him, Suhoon just sees any trace of peace and calmness on your face. 

“What happened if one day he come to me and asked where were you?”

You sigh, then look down. “Just tell him where I’m, it is okay.”

“Why?” Suhoon furrows. “Most of the people I know that have the same case as yours, most of them didn’t let the person who hurts them know where they were. But why are you just letting him know your whereabouts?”

“Because it means, you already have peace with it, oppa,” you explain. “I love Mingyu, and I already know the fact that his love now is for Lisa, not me. If we really meant to be together, there will be thousands of ways that make us back to each other. But if not, then we just really need to let go or else we get hurt more.” 

“Will you miss him?” 

“Of course,” you smirk. “But it’s part of letting go of someone you love”

You know you will be missing Mingyu and in fact, you are missing Mingyu. There is no day you didn’t think about him, about what he does at the moment. But you know that it was not your name that was on his heart right now, and you try to make a peace with yourself for it. Let go of someone that you love is… tough, but forcing someone who stays and loves you while his heart is already placed in someone else is tougher.  

Maybe in another lifetime you and Mingyu will be together forever and you become his happiness.

But not in this current lifetime. 

How is it? I really hope you cry because I did for two days straight after writing this LOL! By the way, Part 2 is in progress and yes it will be multiple chapter and my target is finished it by next month, so please tell me more about what you feel after you read this. with much tears and loves, oppaspearl.

my future in your eyes

mingyu still holds onto you, even after all this time.

๑彡 kim mingyu x gender neutral!reader

๑彡 divorced!au/ex-husband!au, post-break up!au, exes-to-lovers!au — fluff

๑彡 paragraph format — 1.1K words

masterlist

[gif’s full credit belongs solely to its owner]

๑彡 title is taken from zack tabudlo’s as you are.

๑彡 i’m lowk proud of this ngl bc— it’s fluff, but it took me relatively quick to finish?? usually i get stuck for weeks if the wip’s fluff ><

Kim Mingyu is a man of confidence.

Not that he uses his confidence to swindle strangers, as the dictionary suggests the title means. Rather, he exudes confidence — regardless of what he does.

There is always an air confidence around him. He can be in clothes that don’t fit the event’s theme and he’ll still seem perfectly dressed. He can be barely conversant in another language and he’ll still sound like he knows what he’s saying. He can just be standing there, doing nothing, and he’ll still appear like he’s doing something right.

Some people mistake his confidence for arrogance. Most find it admirable. But, in truth, Mingyu hardly cares.

Especially if his so-called confidence vanishes whenever you are in the vicinity and within his line of sight. Just like now.

He sees you in a table with Seokmin. Your back is towards him but he recognizes you, anyway. Despite the distance, he has no problem witnessing how animatedly you talk with your common friend.

It’s almost like he is back in college: you and Seokmin in one row, him and Minghao a few rows back. He can almost hear Minghao state matter-of-factly, "You’re staring," like he often does back then.

Really, all that’s different is Minghao’s currently preoccupied being the groom to comment on his staring. (There are definitely more things that are different now, but he doesn’t want to even begin thinking about them.)

Seokmin catches his stare. Not soon after, specifically before Mingyu can even look away, he sees him leave the table. Seokmin throws him a familiar meaningful look before disappearing into the dance floor.

Truth be told, Mingyu’s confidence comes naturally. It isn’t something that he purposely channels. It’s just always there . . . unless you are involved. Then, suddenly, he has to painstakingly gather the confidence to be near you.

"Is this seat taken?" He tries his hardest to mask his awestruck look with one of kind politeness as he waits your response.

He almost forgot how to breathe when your eyes lock into his. "You may sit if you wish," you offer him a small, polite smile. "I don’t think he’ll be back anytime soon."

"Thanks." He effortlessly returns your gesture before situating himself on the chair your common friend abandoned. "How are you enjoying the party?"

"Really well, actually. I didn’t expect to recognize a lot of people from college." Your eyes don’t leave his as you answer. He tries not to stare back too intently, to look within your eyes to see something . . . anything. "And you?"

Mingyu waits for a beat, gathering enough confidence to say what he wants to. "Better now that you’re here." With me.

He lets out a barely audible embarrassed laugh. He has half a mind to take it back, but quickly changes his mind when he sees you biting your lower lip — an obvious attempt to stop yourself from laughing.

A ghost of a smile plays on his lips. There’s pride in knowing he’s still able to make you laugh, despite it being your first meeting in literal years.

You look down in a presumable attempt to calm yourself down. He doesn’t take his eyes off of you, though, as he refuses to lose you from his sight. As such, he immediately notices the sudden shift in your expression.

"You’re still wearing it." Mingyu follows your line of sight — and ends up looking at the source of your comment. His hand on the table, specifically the band of gold adorning his ring finger. "Our ring."

Our wedding ring.

You and Mingyu married soon after graduating from college. It had been a blissful marriage, one that filled a home with nothing but love and support.

Your divorce was on the basis of irreconcilable differences. It was a mutual decision, for the interest of your career paths diverging too far. There was never a bad blood.

"Ye— yeah." Mingyu stutters involuntarily. He clears his throat before continuing, "It’s a great conversational piece."

Although the divorce has been finalized years ago, Mingyu still plays the faithful and loving husband role in front of strangers. He uses the ring on his finger to his advantage: may that be to wordlessly signal that he’s already taken or to gain the favor of a potential sponsor.

Likewise, even if he knows the ring might be a disadvantage, he refuses to take it off — nor to purposely hide it from sight. The same way he never tells a stranger that he is no longer tied to someone else.

"Does it work?" You ask in wonder.

"We are conversing now, aren’t we?"

You chuckle, "Touché."

Mingyu wants to tell you that he hasn’t taken the ring off since you slipped it on his finger during your wedding. Not even after your divorce has been finalized all those years ago.

He wants to tell you his ring finger is thinner near his palm because of his adamant refusal to take his wedding ring off once in a while. Not willing to separate from the only physical reminder of your marriage, not even for a second.

He wants to tell you the ring is more than a conversational piece. He wants to tell you it’s his lifeline, something he can’t bear to lose. But he doesn’t.

Instead, Mingyu uses all the confidence he has gathered to ask you a simple question. "Dance with me?"

He offers you the hand adorned by his wedding ring. He tries not to show the uncertainty he feels by masking it behind a smile.

He almost lets out a relieved sigh when you place your hand on top of his. But he stops breathing momentarily when he catches sight of the sole jewelry adorning your hand.

"You’re still wearing it," Mingyu echoes your comment breathlessly. "Our ring."

He snaps his eyes back to your face, just in time to witness your smile widen. "Yeah," you say. "It’s a great talisman to ward off potential suitors."

He leads you to the dance floor, silently marveling at how your hand still fits perfectly with his. "Does it work?"

"It’s very effective," you assure him. "Although I don’t think it works well against ex-husbands."

Another slow song starts playing right when you reach the dance floor. You and Mingyu unconsciously claim your respective hand placements during your first dance — and for any waltz you danced after.

Then, suddenly, it’s like you traveled back in time.

Mingyu pulls you closer, a ghost of a smirk is at the edge of his lips. "I think it works well attracting ex-husbands."

may i have this dance?⠀( l.jn )

pairing יִ،⠀lee jeno!prince × fem!reader

genre/s יִ،⠀fluff. a tinge of comedy. bridgerton period. royalty!AU. rofan.

warning/s יִ،⠀profanity. little to inaccurate representations of the regency era. being chased. overpraising of jeno's beauty (not guilty).

wc יִ،⠀10.3k

a/n יִ،⠀i might have underestimated the word count—i thought it was going to be short for a oneshot but oh well. THANK YOU FOR THE LONG AWAITED ANTICIPATION. i honestly couldn't have done it without you guys. if u liked it, i'd like to hear your thoughts about it thru reblog, comments, or even an ask! tyvm for waiting <(_ _)>

synopsis יִ،⠀it was all self-inflicted pressure when the spotlight finally turned to you as the final member of the family to experience a love story—the miracle that has been passed down from your parents down to your siblings and the privilege of love in marriage that has been jealoused upon the ton of high society. though the world might have run out of love stories available for you when your family took it all to their delight, or so you thought.

IT'S DAUNTING TO BE IN THIS SCENERY. The mere presence of the most extravagant things seen by spectators of this ballroom and the contrasting sentiments you had within it.

A rush of cold blood runs from your head down to your fidgeting fingers, though you can’t quite pick on your fingers like how you’d used to without gloves.

Everything here is tremendously uncomfortable.

After a few gentlemen who asked for your hand for a dance after conversations, to which you’ve escaped with excuses of going to the powder room, an imaginary friend calling you from afar, and many more lame reasons you could come up with, you’re back to the place where your mother left you a couple of songs ago.

All the sharp eyes that hid uncomfortable curiosity and the reoccurring implicit words that only let you converse about anything but yourself.

Inheritance and fascination about your family’s wealth and the sudden showers of compliments and two-faced flirting tactics—it was getting repetitive.

How could it be not known that the youngest daughter of the emperor's most influential and right-hand man and adviser was to debut in this season? Every man that you approached and conversed with would immediately recognize you and call your name before you even introduced yourself; the striking appearance of the marquess passed down to yours and feminized. No noble nor commoner could not recognize a child of the man whom the ruler of this kingdom entrusted and was well-endowed by every fertile land and mine.

Despite this, there was a more interesting mystic that involved not only your father but your whole family.

Love and marriage.

The oddest and rarest words that could be found together, as marriage is only ever seen as a necessity when a noble comes of age. Politics, business partnerships, and also harshly done to pay for debts, so there was no chance that marriage could turn into something romantic when it is established outside of those forms—yet bizarrely, your family is in a different light.

Your parents, the marquess, and marchioness were wed out of political convenience and yet ended up being the love match of their season, leading to their children being raised with it. Your first-born older sister’s husband might come off as someone who forcefully wed your sister to marriage but was wed out of love at first sight; your older brother with scandalous womanizer antics in the circle and yet is trying to bury the fact that his childhood friend from across our manor's street is slowly becoming the person of his desires and is oblivious that it is also reciprocated.

Love is contagious in this family, and you hate that it's a standard in your family to be wed out of it.

It is incredibly obnoxious. All you knew was that it was the oddest feeling you've seen from your family after seeing those subtle gestures of endearment they shared with their partners. There was always that softness and warmth in their eyes whenever they looked at their significant other despite them looking away.

How powerful is love that it makes a person pacify and willingly consign themselves for the other?

Perhaps you were the end of it.

Such a thing couldn't be held within a grasp of hand if you wanted it right this instance, but in every attempt for you to engage and entertain such thoughts with other gentlemen—something sparks different in their eyes.

Deceitment. They view you as a spectacle—the love that surrounded your family was their tool to win you over, and it terrifies you.

To achieve love, did it have to be this manipulative and hurtful?

Your expectations crashed down with every interaction you had with every man in this hall.

You were simply a target in their eyes.

The uncomfortable hunting gazes they shared with you and their presence alone induced such an invasive depth of cautiousness in you.

To be perceived without any control of the situation, far from the peaceful environment you had within your own confinements before you debuted. The tightness you endured from your corset is nothing more than what your chest and breathing had right now. With a frantic heartbeat and the cold pump of blood rushing into you, you don’t notice someone calling out for your attention.

“Dear?” A firm hand wrapped around your arms, and you jumped from the sudden contact until you recognized your mother's voice, disrupting the unconscious well in your eyes.

“Mama,” you replied.

“Are you feeling well? You've been here ever since I talked to the whole ton of this banquet. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Your mother rubbed your arms firmly.

“It's nothing, mama. Just the nerves.” you returned.

“So, how are things going? Have you enjoyed the evening with a charming gentleman, perhaps?” she told you with a teasing tone, beaming a smile at the view of dancing couples and the beautiful quartet's piece gracing the air.

She trusted that with your lively nature, you would talk to any gentleman without any push of encouragement from her, so she left you alone to fend for your own partner. With your pesky and womanizer antic of your brother, what would go wrong when you were left alone in your first debutante ball?

Alas, she forgot that you were a shut-in marquis’ daughter and that your brother is the exact reason why you can't continue to converse with any gentleman in this banquet. Violence and disgust were the only emotions you ever had with the opposite sex in the comforts of your own home, but to be faced with strangers and to be expected to converse well with them? Indeed, different emotions other than what you feel around your brother were reeling in—most of it anxiety.

“Oh, yes! The gentlemen are very charming and very pleasing to look at while I am dancing.” you strayed a forced laugh by the end in an unstable voice, and you coughed to clear it, now grinning to your mother's way in hopes that she'd not find you suspicious.

The marchioness heaved a joyous chuckle at herself as she looked at you proudly, wrapping her arms around yours to link it.

“I am so happy for you, dear.” she embraced you and pulled away as she looked at you adoringly, “If you're feeling more enthusiastic, I could interest you with other gentlemen—”

“How delightful!” An annoying pipsqueak cuts out mother and has snuck through you from the crowd of desperate and awestruck women frolicking at him, inducing you to roll your eyes at him—the rightful heir of the marquis-dom and your older brother, Haechan.

You were at the least thankful for his presence right now, as your mother could’ve suggested something preposterous if he didn’t interrupt.

He cheekily greeted you with a grin and bowed mockingly.

Those familiar eyes of deceit always brought a chill to your spine.

Don't tell me.

“Good evening, missus debutante. Still not up to the offer that this fine brother of yours will be your first name on your dance card?” The marchioness pinched his arms, and he winced, breaking his dashing persona as he woefully looked at your mother beside him.

“Haechan, have you no concern? Your sister is actually having the time of her life, enjoying the lining lords for her hand tonight while you have been out here, just making your chances with another set of women for you to play with.” Haechan rubbed his injured arm and formed a slight pout.

“What line of suit—” he did not finish as you immediately pinched his side, making him snap his head at you with bloodshot eyes.

“Make yourself useful and go out there. I have someone I want her to be introduced to.” your mother insisted.

“Mama, please. I don't want any of this bloody extravaganza,” you said through gritted teeth, and you likewise got a tug from your mother on your sides, her eyes wide openly glaring at you.

“Y/N! Language,” she whisper-shouted, and you mumbled an annoyed apology in return.

“I should tell you, Y/N,” Haechan spoke up, looking at you with mischief in his eyes, the corner of his mouth upturned.

“Don't you dare.” you mouthed at him.

“—A dance! A dance doesn’t really make them your definitive husband, dear sister.” he apathetically commented and crossed his arms, giving you a smug look.

You furrowed your eyebrows at him. You could even feel your ears and nostrils shooting out warm air.

“That is true.” your mother replied. “Although it truly matters who you're dancing with at your debutante gala.” The marchioness starts, and you can shoot a look at her and sigh that she's even doing her sermons at this event. “It resembles the refined attitude and talents of a noble lady. In short, it defines their role in society. For example, your older sister’s husband, the Duke of Rogan. He might be considered the tyrant who mercilessly killed a thousand of the enemy’s army last year, but he is devilishly handsome. You wouldn’t want your sister to be looked upon as with plain rigid taste in marital circles because her first dance is with someone like, well—”

“Like Lord Hopworth.” Your brother continued.

“Hm. Yes, a gentleman with a love for his horses that he only smells of stables and dirt.” Your mother helplessly agrees and fans herself in shame, discussing such gossip circle topics with her children.

“Comparing sister’s husband to Lord Hopworth…they are both in different leagues, mother. I, on the other hand, have no issues whatsoever with the man's hobbies and his reputation in the marital circle. Still, he has already danced with all the women in his family during the past three marital seasons. Might a miracle of a chance would only appear if a distant cousin would appear out of thin air or if Y/N had the wits to ask him a dance.” Haechan chuckled to himself proudly, uttering from you a gasp.

Your brother has been testing your waters ever since he joined your company, and this growing annoyance soon turns into an outburst.

“Explains why women who danced with my unwed brother for three years are still not wed by now. You're just trying hard to hide the fact that you have feelings for your best friend.” you retorted back.

“Y/N! That's crude.” your mother criticizes your sudden remark.

Haechan's eyes grow open in every passing second, and his breathing stops. In a while, he snaps his head away, half-suppressing a snicker.

“Well, look who's talking. See, mother.” Haechan started, and you could feel your chest suddenly heavy.

“I heard from the gentlemen's circle that my dearest sister kept on escaping dance offers from several gentlemen, saying that she would make lousy excuses to reject their dance offers tacitly—!” he ended with a huff. Your mother was frozen on the spot. She finally lets go of your linked arms, looking at you with disbelief.

"Mama, I can explain."

“Is it true, Y/N?” She suddenly asks with a firm tone.

“I…” You’re left speechless. The disappointing truth of your dance affairs is now out in the open, revealed to your mother. At any moment, you’re almost about to be eaten up by guilt at your attitude, especially in your debut.

While rejecting dance offers is rude, the fact that you have dismissed a number of offers from gentlemen of this banquet and have been talked about in their circle was more destructive to your family’s reputation, but most importantly, your reputation.

“Yes, I admit it,” you admitted, your eyes lowering away from your mother.

“You should have just told me, dear. There's no need for you to lie about it.”

“If I would admit it, then I’ll only place you on the burden that I’m carrying. I—” you choked on your own voice, and your eyes grew well with tears.

“Mother, I have been only looked at as an object by all the men here. I tried my best to engage in a conversation, but all that I get are harsh eyes and insincere words, and I believe it is because they only see me for what I have—what our family has! Mama,” the last word strays like a plead, and you continue with choked tears.

“I’m sorry. I need to have fresh air.” You turned your heels away and left the front doors of the palace, leaving your familial company stunned.

“Y/N!” Your brother almost followed along but was stopped by your mother, her hand placed on his arms, and she shook her head.

“Leave your sister alone for now. She needs time to adjust.”

“But Mama, she was being rude!” Haechan grimaced.

“You have to understand that your sister must be faced with expectations not only from others but herself. She must have gone through so much when I left her.” The marchioness released a heavy sigh, burdened with guilt for having left you unattended.

“Oh, what have I done to her?” she brought her head down in defeat, and Haechan rubbed her arms for comfort, unable to speak anything and partly guilty of his behavior towards you.

“Check on her after a few minutes.” your mother pleaded, but it took a few minutes before he could respond.

“Alright.”

THE TEARS IN YOUR EYES FELL STRONGLY DOWN YOUR CHEEKS AS YOU LEFT THE SCENE. Your vision starts to get blurry, and you pursed your lips in hopes that these tears may come to a halt, but you know it isn’t that easy.

Humiliating. Pathetic. Your family has finally discovered your true intentions. You knew that the only people to blame were the men you interacted with and not yourself, but in the end, you were the one who was more affected by their treatment of you. Their simplistic perception of you as nothing but the daughter of a marquess that could bring them to their own prime and financial risings to the society, and it drove you mad.

You were furious about your status, yet, at the same time, conflicted that maybe you were a bit too sensitive and could not stand your guard.

But was it wrong to be hurt? That even with these privileges, you were viewed as nothing but that as soon as you left home.

Debuting into society wasn’t all what you thought it was. It isn’t romantic nor the slightest bit magical. It is war only disguised as something pleasurable with performative beauty in one place.

You desperately tried to hold back your weeping, hiding under the garden’s fountain, not the slightest care that your dress would be dirtied with the grass you laid on, clutching your chest to ease the heaviness. You thought that the fresh air and the silence of the outside gardens could appease, though now it is only the opposite. The vulnerability that you hid as much as you could only cease to hide and break down.

What a waste. That you were just crying in this beautiful scenery.

The serene lush of green and the silence of the night, flickers of stars shining bright in the night sky, bearing witness to the presence of a distraught lady sitting alone under the water fountain.

You look up to the night sky and wipe the falling tears with your arms, another set of tears only falling as you wipe your cheeks.

But there was no time to waste, you knew. You sniffed in all your snot, removing your gloves and disregarding it as it was moist from all the wiping, and let yourself calm down, hoping that there were no further moments that you’d cry again.

Don’t try being a coward this time, you demanded to yourself, quickly huffing out a breath as you slapped your cheeks.

There was no other choice but to go back inside and dance to any man that your eyes would first lay on—no matter their perception of you.

“Let's do this.”

However, a disruption comes.

A shuffle of running feet is suddenly getting louder by any minute closer to you, and you snappily bring your head to the source, seeing a young man with jet black hair and clothes with a ruby red suit running towards you, occasionally looking behind them as if being chased.

Only one thing and one matter came to mind when you saw that scene: To run.

You wasted no time, got up from the fountain's edge, and you hit your head on the edge. You hissed at the impact, slowly standing up as you clutched your head.

“Please!” A young man's voice called out, and it was from the gentleman running towards you. “Please, hide me.” he huffed.

Before you could run away from him, the man finally reached you and immediately hid behind the bushes near the fountain.

What...what was that?

You stood there with nothing in mind and confused about the sudden role given to you.

After a few seconds, another gentleman ran towards you, and this time, you were prepared to run away.

“My lady, halt! I only have a question to ask you.” he stops a few feet away from you and bends, his arms holding onto his knees as he catches his breath.

You stop in your tracks, obliging, and take two steps back.

He fixed himself and stood up straight, a foot tall from you. A refined man with rounded slit eyes and a timid demeanor stands before you, the same age, you guessed, as the man earlier, who is currently hiding in the bushes. He plastered a kind smile, eyes disappearing as he took his barnacle from his suit pocket.

The man cleared his voice and bowed down to greet you, and you do the same.

“Good evening, my lady. I am the son of the Viscount Huang. Renjun Huang, from the House of Capri. Pardon that I rashly made a bad impression on you during our first meeting.”

You greeted back a good evening, introducing yourself and your house, bowing again, and stood up, raising your chin slightly as you carefully asked. “What of I could assist you, Sir Huang?”

“There seems to be someone I am looking for but had run away, rather—” the viscount chuckled to himself and reiterated, “My company has left me alone.”

“Have you perhaps seen a young man with this stature,” he gestured inches above his height. “Wearing a red suit and has black hair?” he finished, and you froze at your spot.

His descriptions of the gentleman he was looking for were precisely like the man you saw speeding towards you, asking you to hide him from someone, which you presume is this person who introduced himself as the son of the House of Capri, Renjun Huang.

You thought deeply, trying to recall any memory from your social etiquette classes that made you memorize and recognize the names and history of each noble family in the kingdom before debuting, as it was essential to have one before entering society.

Viscount Huang from the House of Capri. Weren’t they a family of butlers who have served the imperial family from generation to generation?

"Hmm, a gentleman with that stature has a red suit and black hair?" he nodded at your question, and you wandered off, looking around as you faked an attempt to deeply think about his inquiry when you were actually in a dilemma on whose side you should pick.

Obviously, you had no relations with both gentlemen, and only a huge silence engulfed you as your own conscience measured the rightful decision in this situation.

You gulped and looked back at the man before you and immediately looked away as you saw the desperation and that hint of insanity in his eyes, vividly seeing those dark circles beneath them.

To which gentleman do you trust and help out?

“…I think,” you crossed your arms, rubbing your arms with your hands to appease you as you thought deeply of your choice. “I think I saw that man went that way.” you nervously pointed to your left where the gates leading to another part of the castle are.

The viscount mumbled to himself that he thought right and bowed his head to you. “Thank you, Miss Y/N. Have a good evening.” Sir Huang paused for a moment and smiled gently, adding. “I also hope you are feeling well, my lady.” and he ran in the direction you pointed.

And you were grateful for the sentiment that he shared with you; as short as it was, you felt that he was worried about you. Your eyes must be so swollen from the crying that you took no care to care about your appearance to anybody else. Now you felt guilty for deceiving him.

You waited until his figure disappeared from sight as he entered the castle, and you heaved out a big exhale you had unconsciously held earlier.

You should never be left unchaperoned in another social gathering, you decided.

Though, you can only wonder. Why was the son of a viscount, the son of the current imperial butler, so hung up on this person behind the bushes to the point of chasing him?

Oh, gosh.

You might have chosen a criminal.

A threat to the royal family, perhaps?

Speaking of the devil, the bush near the fountain rustled, and you turned slowly to the bushes, quickly seeking any sort of weapon you could find, and you saw a twig. You picked it up, bent it a little, swung it around to test its firmness, and finally decided that it was good for defense as it was durable.

It is better to have one or nothing, you thought.

You suspiciously walked near it, which is the most reckless thing to do right now, but the twig you held right now gave you that foolish, courageous act. That it could give you full defense against a possible criminal.

Then comes out the man from earlier, his broad back and his clean-cut hair in your view, startling you as your shoulders jump, causing you to clutch your chest and pacify your pounding heart.

“Thank heavens.” a deep voice unveils out of the mysterious man, and he sweeps the dirt and leaves on him, soon turning to you with a troubled face.

You swore you could feel your jaw getting loose as you froze in awe of the man before you.

Chiseled face made of strong facial bones, nose perfectly angled to a degree, lush pink lips of a distinguishable cupid's bow above it, and those long set of lashes, low as it veils his dark eyes, deep yet shining underneath the yellow dim lights of the nearby lamp post around us; it's almost like the porcelain statues and paintings of the imperial ancestors from the palace has come to life—the most significant artists and poets combined to forge imagery of a rightful muse to every medium and ink that praises a divine being.

And that mole, placed under his eyes.

His eyes stare back at you, only delving you to say.

“Wow.”

“Pardon?” The man raises his brow, his lips upturned to amusement.

Your cheeks get warm, and you immediately shake your hands in the air, correcting yourself. “I mean, wow—no, I mean,” you paused and thought deeply to yourself as you looked back at him with seriousness. “I'm afraid there are no present expressions to describe it.”

The man blinked, dumbfounded, and his cheekbones started to define, soon bursting into a fit of laughter at your reaction, holding his stomach as he bent down to laugh more.

The urge to be eaten by the ground was more tempting than ever in your point of existence. You lightly smacked your lips with your hand to punish yourself for your intrusive thoughts winning before you just by the presence of this captivating being.

He finished as he calmed down, ending it with a smile as he stood tall.

“Thank you. I've never been complimented with that expression before, at least not in a first meeting—wow.” The man snickered to himself, his eyes raised to the shape of a crescent moon, and you almost melted to your knees.

The imperial court should consider banning that charming smile; you finally kept the thought to yourself.

“I am deeply grateful for your kindness, miss. I would have understood if you had chosen Sir Huang instead of me since I am, after all, still a stranger to you.” he bowed to the highest degree, his upper body lowered straight as the ground, and you nervously assumed the same greeting, stunned with this deep gratitude.

You realize that this man is still a potential criminal, and you discreetly hide your weapon (a twig) behind you.

“Why were you chased by the viscount, my lord?” you backed off a few steps from the mysterious man as you stood before he did.

“Well, if I were speaking truthfully,” he whirred lowly, trying to find the right words to reason his circumstance. “I would have been forced to enter the ballroom to which I have been warily hiding from my chaperone—I don't want to go through this dancing propaganda, you see.”

“Oh,” you relaxed a little, the grip on your weapon (still a twig) becoming less firm. “I guess I understand.” you engaged.

“You do?”

“Do what?” you looked up at him cautiously, and he walked close to you.

“You also dislike this conviction behind the dancing and the desperation for marriage.” he reiterated, adamant sparkles of enthusiasm in his eyes, still not taking a hint of your obvious nervousness.

“I don't think we're meant to talk so freely about that.” you attempted to retreat from the topic, or moreover, from him, and the sparks were lost as he lowered his eyes and he finally stopped.

“Oh. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.” The gentleman begged pardon, sincerity clear in his apology, and you notice it, bringing you to look at him and shaking your head.

“No! It's just that...” you hesitated. “I believe my opinions and criticisms of society, as a lady, would be frowned upon. That's why I responded that way.”

The young man looks at you and eases, assured that you are not opposed nor baffled by the conversation's topic.

“Well,” he looked around. “We are the only people present here, aren't we? You're free to tell me things without feeling drawn back, and I assure you that I intently outcast myself from society.”

“You have such grand privileges, my lord. I feel envious of that freedom.” you professed, smiling at him green-eyed, and he shrugged his shoulders, crossing his arms as he looked far and sighed, sitting on the edge of the water fountain.

“It's not always thrilling. My siblings are wary of me because my father favors me more than they do. My father also insisted that I marry and take his stead immediately. With my escapades, I am never to be left alone again when I leave my chambers,” he shared.

He noticed the silence afterward and soon came to regret his actions again.

“I apologize. I may have overshared—”

“I also have a conflicting problem as you do, but more personal.” you also opened up, also sitting on the water fountain's edge, still keeping a good fair distance from him. “I am the youngest and the last of my family to come of age, and I feel like I am not suitable to be here. This dancing and its etiquettes.” you stopped.

He remains silent, eyes now focused on you and every meaning that is present on your face as you're looking away, noticing the tears welling in your eyes.

“If you know my family very well, then you could probably guess that I am very privileged and that everybody wants to get close to me.” you chuckled to yourself, looking down and bringing your hands in front of you, now fidgeting on the twig. “It's funny how I hate that kind of attention because that means I can easily make friends, but it's not genuine.”

The cold air breeze caved between you, and there remained silence. The man keenly waits for another word from you, but there is a look of hesitance present on yours, and before he opens his mouth to talk, you continue.

“I hate it. Everything there reminds me that I could be easily eaten up if I'm not careful, and I’m scared to take any dance offers that could possibly have a hidden motive.” you wept yet again, the warm tears now falling on your cold hands, and you wiped it away.

You say nothing. In your peripheral, you notice a white thing hanging in the air, and you look at it, seeing an extended arm from the stranger who is reassuringly smiling, handing you a handkerchief.

“Here.” the man said, and you hesitated, staring at the handkerchief.

“There's nothing on the handkerchief. I swear on my family's name. It's yours to take.” he reassured, and you felt found out from your cautiousness.

“Thank you.” you mumbled under your breath and accepted the handkerchief, wiping every tear and snot on your face.

You have never thought to receive such understanding from a stranger this evening or be listened to without any judgment and malice. This interaction is what you hoped to receive from all of the conversations of the past gentleman—to be simply heard.

The man secretly grins to himself, finding the scene endearing and relaxed as you were freely talking to him.

“...If it assures you, I experience the same thing as you do ever since I was aware of it.” he sympathized with you, and you looked up at him, finding him smiling though opposite from his eyes, pained as he looked at the sky.

“People looked at me and treated me kindly, but they secretly plot things behind me just to use me, using their closeness to me to satisfy their selfish desires or to raise their rankings. My parents were wed out of convenience just to make an heir, and ever since then, I have lived my life carefully—I rarely find people who I could lean on and depend on.”

“That's why I don't bother myself attending the dances or any party, and I just stay outside of it when I'm forced to attend one. I realized if I even find this occasion tempting to join, then I'll only add more unwanted attention to my life.” he ended, and there came again the silence, but now you're sharing eye contact.

It is comforting this silence you shared this time, pleasant and easy to bear, and you can't help but break in a smile, a stray tear coming down your cheek, and he chuckled, rubbing his nape timidly at this progression.

The mysterious man sitting far away from you had more depth now that you knew behind the charming and gleaming factors that there was vulnerability and the capability for sympathy.

Would it be too much to ask for more of him?

“Would you care to share some refreshments with me?” you confidently sat a bit closer.

“I—”

“Your Highness!” Before he could answer, a distant voice shouted, and both of you looked at the familiar figure, Sir Huang, running towards you.

“What did he say?” your eyebrows furrowed as you watched Sir Huang getting closer.

“Your High—”

“Not important.” he interrupted, now standing near you as he held out his hand. “I'm sorry, but we must run, my lady. Please take my hand.” you can't help but accept it, and the both of you dash away in the direction of the ballroom's entrance. You run behind him, completely confused by your necessary involvement with this escapade and threatened that you are also now being chased.

“What is happening, my lord!” You shouted at him.

“I know a secret passage to the ballroom. Just follow me.” he looked back at you and quickly glanced at the growing tired viscount running after us.

The evening wind was cold as it slapped across your body and created a mess out of your hair, your breathing slowly reminding you that you are not the athletic person to run away with a chasing situation and definitely not with the evening gown and shoes you are wearing. You might need to lie down on the cold floor after this inevitably.

On the other hand, the lord, who is still firmly holding your hand, drags you both to hide any block and bushes, and after puzzling the frantic Sir Huang, the both of you proceed to run, him noticeably slowing his pace to match yours from time to time.

You were starting to lose your breath, and the both of you were finally on the grounds of the outside gates of the ballroom.

“It's truly incredible how you're still not catching your breath, my lord, but may I remind you,” you inhaled in more air and wiped the sweat off your forehead while he was tensely looking for whatever he hoped to find. “I am simply not built for running. I don't even like running at all!”

He quietly shushed you, and you pursed your lips to refrain complaints from coming out of your mouth, and you noticed that he still hadn't let go of your hand.

You flushed from the continual contact, and he dragged you away from the gate, leading you to the right side of the building, where a door meant for the servants and the noticeable clinks of pans from the inside. He doesn't hesitate to open it and bring you inside quickly, walking past the servants who are startled by the sudden presence of nobles in the dirty kitchen.

“Where are we going?” Your knees still feel weak from running, and outside of the kitchen, there is a stairway that leads upstairs, to which each noble was not permitted to enter at all costs as the ballroom grounds and the gardens were the only places that one was to enter.

“We're not permitted to enter this place, my lord!” Your hand dragged him down as he stepped on one step of the staircase, and he looked at you with a glint of hurry in his eyes.

‘Would you rather be seen with me by the viscount or continue running away with me?” he probed, lowering his chin to look down at you at the end of the stairway.

“Look,” you paused to make a statement. “I don't know why I am running with you when this is not part of my concern. You can't possibly think that I would run away with someone I just met!” you exclaimed, wide-eyed as you looked at the unnamed lord, finding his suggestions reckless.

The man was stunned by your reaction, visibly hurt by you berating the connection you made after all of those conversations, and you can see it, the guilt of your outburst at him gnawing at you.

“I seem to have chosen the wrong words. My butler—” he sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose. “The son of the viscount rather has seen us together, and you would be the prime evidence and witness of my last presence in this event, which he would never let go of, my lady. So choose. Would you rather be with me and slowly part our ways or be seen with me by the viscount and hear rumors of us being alone and unchaperoned?” the man paused, looking intently at you as he waited for your response. You, who had nothing to say and were ashamed of your earlier response, just nodded and agreed.

“Alright.” The both of you then walked up the staircase, his grip on your hand still unceasing, and you're slowly becoming bothered by it.

“You can let go of my hand already, sir.” you said.

“Sorry.” he quickly let go as the two of you reached the second floor.

The surrounding frames of eerily familiar faces of royals on the walls urge you to avoid any eye contact with them, their faces now barely comfortable to stare and adore at, and the clanking of both of the soles of your shoes on the wooden platform floors, loud, awkward, filling up the silence that the both of you shared only heightens the apparent climactic end of this camaraderie you shared at the garden—your blunt take on how your meeting was simply empty.

You can't help but feel hurt that you haven't considered the sentimental and unexpected companionship with a man you helped for unknown reasons was the best part of this nightmarish marital circle.

The man was clearly hurt by your words earlier and he still inevitably did not leave you alone to be spotted unchaperoned alone with a man. He helped you and listened to you without you asking of him. Your response earlier was ungrateful, responding that you were bothered by it.

You bit your lips, clasping your hands in front of you as you walked behind him.

“My lord?” you called him, and he answered with a gentle hum, continuing to walk.

“I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to dismiss our meeting we had at the gardens.”

He stopped and looked back as he smiled reassuringly.

“There's no need for you to apologize, miss. I have inconvenienced you after all. Our meeting earlier was certainly unexpected and troubling for you, so I understand.” he turned back and continued to walk.

After a few walks, the muffled music from the ballroom slowly got louder. The ballroom was near your vicinity, and you tried to strike up a conversation.

“Are you still not interested in dancing, my lord?”

“Not really. I'm still not interested in being on the dance floor,” he responded shortly, and you take it as a sign not to continue, but he added after a second.

“After the past two seasons, my father is determined to marry me to any woman he'd find me dancing with,” he added, and you hummed thoughtfully.

“So this would be your third season in the marriage circle?” you asked him, and he nodded.

“Indeed.”

His answer made you think deeply, slowly coming up with crafted advice in your head. “Huh,” you responded as you came to a thought, and he looked back at you, puzzled.

“What do you mean by huh?"

“I think you’re missing the point here, my lord.” you slowly caught up to his pace. “If I were you, I'd be setting up a forged relationship with another noble lady just to keep off those kinds of intrusive parents, and then we'd keep the contract for a few years at the least,” you suggested with not much thought.

“Hmm, wait. But it would also not last that much—”

“...I see.” the man replied.

To your dismay, the person chasing you might have finally found out your presence, a set of running feet suddenly getting nearer, and your companion panicked, quickly moving both of you toward a nearby narrow corner, enough for both people to hide.

“Hide in that corner quickly.” He placed you in the corner and helped to hide you, but he didn't bother to hide with you.

“My lord, you should also hide.” you caught his arm and nudged him to where you were hiding too.

“My lady.” he suddenly said, a hint of mischief in his voice.

“Yes?” you replied carefully.

“May I ask for your hand for the next song?”

“What?” you almost shouted out, and he just grinned.

“Your advice was brilliant.” he complimented, and you furrowed your eyebrows.

“I'm saying I would like to make an alliance with you. I'll ask for your hand, and you'll be the center of attention by tonight's party.”

“But wouldn't that risk me being your prospect partner?”

“Unless you'd be proposed to by a ton of suitors by the next morning, there'll be no chance of me winning, and there would be a delay in their enforcement of me to get married. Wouldn't it also be romantic to be asked by many men after dancing with a fine bachelor like me?” he joked by the end, and you scowled in reaction.

“I am not so certain with your plan, my lord. You, who I realized I am not aware of your name yet, and the noble family you belong to wouldn't possibly cause that much ruckus. Unless you are one of the royal princes, then that would make a lot of difference.” he evidently feels startled by your suggestion, and he shakes his head in denial.

“What? No—! Pfft. Why would you assume so?” he waved his hands in the air and continued. “But still, I'll make sure that I will help you feel less burdened with your situation. It's a win-win situation for both of us. At least for a while, when you don't pick me.”

“And how are you so sure I wouldn't pick you?” you answered quite quickly, and the young lord was startled, and so were you by your boldness.

The two of you spend a few seconds just staring at each other, and he breaks eye contact, looking away as he clears his voice.

“My lord, please,” Sir Huang coughed. “Please show yourself! I can't do this any longer!” he complained.

“What's your answer, my lady?” the man before you finally asked, holding out his hand, and you paused for a while, still a bit embarrassed.

Your act of boldness was unexpected of you. That plan you proposed was just a way to converse with him, but it made you look interested in your newfound companion. You just hoped that it wouldn't make both of you awkward, but that doesn't seem to be the case, as he was still willing to do it with you.

This alliance would be all in your favor. You'll finally show your mother that you have enjoyed tonight's party and won't place any more worry on her, but why would he assume you would want more men by the next morning? You don't want any flock of men by the next morning. You didn't like that he said that.

“I'm in.” you agreed and accepted his hand to shake. “This better work, sir?”

There's nothing wrong with accepting it either way, is it?

“Jeno.” He joined your hands and firmly made a handshake. “Call me Lord Jeno, my lady.”

Sir Huang still complains about his missing companion, Lord Jeno. His sneaking footsteps become louder, and Sir Jeno hid you properly for once.

“I'll show myself to the viscount, and you wait for a while until we leave. I'll see you downstairs.”

Then he left.

THIS ALLIANCE. THIS PLAN. You could immediately feel that you might soon regret agreeing to that ridiculous suggestion you made with that man. It was rebellious and certainly not fitting for someone who just entered the society. The man you agreed with has been in the season for three years, and you're barely keeping up with this hectic day a noble lady could have for just coming of age.

You waited a while after you heard no mumbling noises in the hallway and slowly got up, holding on to the wall as your knees weakened from all the running and the brief relaxation your legs had to take. You grunted as you fixed and swept your skirt clean, fixed your hair in place to a nearby mirror, peeked a little from the corners to investigate your surroundings, and left as you determined the place clear.

The music from the ballroom comes to a halt, the quartet resting for another set of music for tonight, and you start to get nervous as you encounter the stairway leading down to the ballroom.

You grumbled to yourself as you descended the stairs, questioning your actions and wondering about the identity of the mysterious man who finally introduced himself as Lord Jeno.

Everything about him exuded aristocracy, so you had no doubt that he was a noble and definitely wasn’t a criminal. But what was the deal of the son of a viscount chasing him like hunting prey? The son of the viscount whose family are butlers of the imperial family?

You almost scratched your head in this situation you've put yourself in. While you were grateful for the unexpected companionship you made with a handsome gentleman tonight, you had just dragged yourself into another complex obstacle you have never faced. More worse than arguing with your mother about your lying.

Who was Lord Jeno?

The ballroom doors swung open, and the gleaming yellow lights of the ballroom soon entered your vision. You stepped down to the final step of the staircase, near the refreshments where the people took their rest after a dance—and you attracted too much attention.

They must’ve heard your issue with accepting a number of dance offers from the noblemen, and you were gone by the following few songs when you conversed with the family you brought tonight.

People in society are quick to judge anyone who acts differently from the must-followed social etiquette you discovered. They're quick to spread words, to create a transparent wall they could ridicule anyone who is not doing the norms.

You couldn't bear but notice and catch all of the glances, and the whispered conversations shamelessly out loud in front of you, and your eyes desperately searched the room, looking for familiarity, looking for a place you could very much hide.

“Y/N!” you snapped and looked in the direction of the voice to see your brother walking towards you grumpily.

“I thought that you were outside, and I came out looking for you only to find you nowhere! Where have you been!” Haechan nagged, placing his hands on his hips as he exasperated an annoyed groan.

You looked down in defeat, not having the energy to fight back like what you usually do with him, not in this place. You could only give them another thing to talk about.

“I'm sorry I made you worried.” Haechan's gaze towards you softened, with the hands on his hips soon placed in his pockets.

Seeing you in a state where your usual reaction was to fight back was unusual for Haechan, and instead of anger and frustration, his emotions subsided into pure concern for you.

“Hey, I'm very sorry earlier. I shouldn't have told mother about your situation. It wasn't my right to do so.” Your brother apologized, and you looked up at him to see him with sympathizing eyes. You smiled knowingly, slowly turning into chuckles.

“You don't look good acting kind.” you teased, and he gently nudged you in response, shrugging off your comment.

“Shut up.” he irked and crossed his arms as he smiled by the end after the two of you shared a laugh.

“Say, brother," you said.

“Yes?” he replied.

“If a person was ever chased by a son of a butler, a known imperial butler to be exact, what does that mean for the person chased?” you asked hesitatingly.

“Pardon?”

“Nothing.” your immediate reply only brings him to suspicion by your sudden behavior.

“Y/N,” he started. “What did you do this time?”

You avoid eye contact with him as you start to fidget, your heart beating anxiously as you count as the seconds that pass by, observing how the musicians slowly approach their instruments and flip their music sheets on a standee.

“A man was chased by the son of Viscount Huang.” you gulped, and Haechan remained silent, pausing to come up with an appropriate question as he observed your frozen figure.

“And?” he asked.

“I made an alliance with said man.”

“Y/N,” he said with gritted teeth as he sighed in defeat. “What have you done!”

“I know, and I have my suspicions too! Alright! But I swear the person has only given me infinite kindness from the beginning…If you exclude the part that I helped in hiding him from the son of the royal butler.”

“Sweet heavens.” he places his palm on his forehead, shaking his head in distress.

“All we agreed was to have one dance, and that's it! I promise there's nothing more than what we have agreed. But listen, this man,” you stopped, looking around you, and got nearer to him as you whispered. “We might be talking about the kingdom’s prince here.” you reasoned with him, and he thought about it, looking at you still for you to continue.

“That’s ridiculous,” he commented. “There’s no way a prince would be asking you out.”

You gasped and hit him on his arm. “You know insulting me is also insulting our parents and yourself too.”

“I had my doubts.” Haechan joked, and you hit him again, earning from him a ‘hey!’.

“You have to take this seriously. This man has been acting suspiciously from the start. Look. He was chased by what I presume, his butler. I heard quite faintly a ‘Your Highness!’ when we were chased down by his butler, and he…” You looked at him, dead in the eyes. “Was a terrible liar. He had quite a violent reaction when I suspected him to be one of the princes.”

“You know, the youngest prince was supposed to debut on my season, but he hasn’t shown up ever since. No one knows his face or name.” Haechan whispered back at you.

“And when did you enter high society again?”

“This is my third, so the past two seasons ago.”

“Oh, dear,” you said as you stared at the ground from your realization. “Where is mother—”

“Lady Y/N.” An ardent voice called you from behind, and you looked behind you, and you saw your expected person.

“Lord Jeno?” you uttered his name, and upon release, the weight of the atmosphere became heavier with his simple presence alone.

And everyone notices. The notable stranger, who was never seen through the night until now, approached the debutante rumored upon and best known to reject several dance offers curtly.

“Y/N?” Haechan asked, staring at Lord Jeno.

Jeno notices your brother and bows, greeting him.

“Good evening, sir.”

“Good evening…” Haechan wandered off, and you were wearing the same expression as he did. Bewildered. Intimidated. Awestrucked.

Shushed conversations and murmuring circles surround the both of you, but despite this, the lord in front of you is composed, poised straight, a firm hand holding out to ask for yours and the other behind him—too firm and frozen you notice. His hand shakes, and so do his eyes, looking at yours as he awkwardly smiles.

“Will you have this dance with me, Lady Y/N?” Lord Jeno asked hesitantly, and you gulped, offering out your hand to touch his, barely placed on his palms as you felt that if you touched his hands again, you’d taint him.

"Yes…my lord," you lately answered the last, not knowing how to address him. He breathed out a sigh of relief, too nervous as if there was a never-agreed-upon alliance behind this.

Shouldn’t you be the nervous one here?

Jeno leads you to the dance floor, and he is still stiff. The pressure of the many eyes is troubling him, especially since, out of his three seasons, he is officially marking an entrance into high society.

Everything he avoided was present in this banquet. Crowds and circles of people and their eyes—free to perceive him as a subject of talk.

He can barely breathe in air, overwhelmed by consciousness by the piercing stares now placed upon him, unaware of you calling out to him, and you tugged him down only to startle him, finally looking at you with anxious eyes.

You gestured for him to bend down, and he followed, whispering in his ears as if he were down at your height. “Are you not feeling well, my lord?”

The ticklish air on his ears from yours gives a ginger warmth to his ears, seconds late to answer you with a simple nod and smile, and you squeeze your clasped hands with him, giving him a feat of courage with your eyes. His heart flutters at this small gesture, the nearness of you making him feel warm but when he looks into your eyes, he notices a glint of something more to it.

Your eyes only show curiosity—more like suspicion.

“My lady, is there something you want to say to me?” Jeno asked, and the glint vanished as you shook your head.

“No. It’s nothing.” But nothing always had something.

You might already have guessed it, but you’re just keeping it to yourself.

The both of you finally take the dance floor. Jeno holds your hand and places the other one on your hips, and you place your free hand on his arm nervously. The quarter starts with the bass, plucking it, and the violin strung after, a cheery tune playing into the dance floor, positioning you both in a waltz.

There is a noticeable space that is around the both of you and Jeno notices it, giving you a sign about it.

“We're like a deadly disease on this dance floor.” Jeno joked, and you looked around you and chuckled along, too occupied by your reoccurring thought.

You reflected on the times when you interacted with him and thought deeply about the things you did ungraciously in front of him.

Well, you complained to him. Talked back at him. Held his hand. You also wiped your snot and tears on his handkerchief—a handkerchief that could possibly cost more than what a normal handkerchief is. After all, he is the prince.

Could be the prince, for now.

“Lady Y/N? What’s the problem? You’ve been staring at the air for quite a moment now. Is there any way I could help?” Jeno asked, concerned.

You don’t respond for a few seconds. “Lord Jeno.”

“Yes, my lady?” he replied lowly. Your mind only drives chaos at his tender reply.

“Are you really not one of the princes?” you ended, and his face tensed at your question.

“If I said yes…” he paused, his face softened, eyebrows brought together as he looked back at you hesitantly. “Will you avoid me too?”

Your heart dropped. Hearing him say ‘too’, only made you realize about his past situations that pained him and made you think about yourself. The memories of your interaction with him came crashing into you as you realized that you were acting and thinking the same as what he told you about the people who interacted with him. And he has probably felt lonely his whole life with this.

But with you, he felt seen and understood—just like what you felt about him too.

“No.” you immediately answered this time. “I won’t, my lord.”

Jeno doesn’t respond, only looking at you bewildered, and he smiles cheek to cheek, reassured by your sincerity.

The next dance segment pulled you near him as the strings modulated and came to a halt. He puts his face close to you slowly, moving his face on the side of your face as he whispers in your ears, the proximity of the both of you close—too close.

“That’s a relief.” you touch your ear as he pulls his face away. “I’m so glad it’s you that I met.” he said, still brimming with joy, unaware of the effect he had on you with that action.

The warmth of Jeno’s whispers remains for a while, and it’s ticklish, and for a moment, you forget the crowd watching you both, unaware of the stir that caused that simple action that took you off course too. The words he has spoken echoed through you, filling you with confusion and butterflies.

The music swells in, and Jeno gracefully leads you across the dance floor; the room is out of focus, other dancers and onlookers fading in the background as you only look at the man you’re dancing with—moving in perfect harmony.

There remains an unbroken eye contact, silence, and the strings from the instruments swarming between the both of you in glee rendition. Looking directly at a prince, you should be nervous and uncomfortable, but none of that is present in your mind. What you saw at the moment wasn’t the prince.

It was Jeno. The mysterious man that you helped and approached recklessly. The man who listened to your story with no prejudice. The man who offered his hand out to you when you were stuck in your own thoughts.

The friend you made out of this treacherous night.

As you continued to dance, you tried your best to gather yourself. You might not have heard him say yes to your question yet, but you can only wonder what it means for your future—what exactly would happen after this alliance was done and gone?

“Lord Jeno,” you said softly, breaking the silence.

“Or should I say, Prince Jeno?” you asked carefully, and he chuckled, nodding in agreement.

“Yes, Lady Y/N?”

“It feels weird addressing you like this. It’s like I’m speaking casually, but I’m actually formally treating you.” you commented, and he laughed at this.

“You’re the only one who I hear calling me in that way. Even if you’re already properly addressing me,” he replied. “I much more prefer it.”

He’s doing that again. Commenting so easily about things that make you feel weak on your knees.

How can he be so oblivious about it?

“What were you going to tell me?” he asked, bringing you back to your question.

“I was about to ask about our alliance.” you finished, and he looked at you anticipatingly.

“Yes?”

“What would happen after this?” and the question comes out.

You already knew the answer to this since you had already talked about it with him. The advantage you’d have after it is his succession in making his own parents, the king, and queen, less nosy on him and going in your own peaceful ways. Though, you want to hear a different answer from him this time.

Despite everything already clear as day, you want to know what runs in his mind.

Where would this lead to?

Jeno thinks about it too.

Too hardly.

“How would you want things to happen?”

The question remains in the air and the music becomes less louder in your ears.

“I don’t want it to happen. I don’t want to wake up the next morning and be filled with other men asking for my hand.” you answered.

Oh.

Jeno remembered he said that. He thought about the moment he said that and soon came to regret when he suggested that as a situation that was sure to happen and not as a joke, not when you told him what you did at that moment.

“You?” you asked, almost like a plead, yearning to hear something different than what you were negatively thinking he would answer right now.

“Me too.”

His words remained ceaseless as they left right through him, the simple words underscored by the weight they carried. The dance continues, and your mind is racing, your heart thumping loudly as if to break through your chest.

Was it really possible that Jeno, the man you stumbled upon in such a bizarre way, felt the same wave of uncertainty about the future ahead of you as you did?

You studied his face as you slowly moved across the dance floor as the final segment came near. His expression remained calm and, when you hardly look, vulnerable.

As the music began to slow down, signaling the end of the dance, Jeno’s grip on your hand tightened slightly, as if he too, was reluctant for this moment to end. The quartet played the final notes, and you both came to a gentle stop, facing each other; the contact pulled away for the final bow. Applause erupted around you, but it felt distant.

After bowing, the both of you hesitantly leave the dance floor but this time, Jeno wasn’t the slightest nervous about the eyes that still remained on the two of you. Rather, he felt more clear about his thoughts and what he wanted more than what he desired in his life.

“Lady Y/N.” Jeno began, his voice low and earnest. “I do not wish to make you feel more uncertain for what is ahead of us after this alliance we made.”

Your heart skips a beat. “I do not understand, my lord.”

The sincerity that spoke through his eyes was unmistakable, and you felt relieved and exhilarated. Your anxieties all vanish away in the face of his answers.

“If the morning comes tomorrow and you are filled with letters that ask for your presence, do not read anything that doesn’t have the mark of my family’s crest. The answer to your question you asked me when I told you about the alliance,” he paused as he smiled softly. “I hope that you are certain to choose me, my lady, as I am certain to pursue you in the future and the moment that we step out of this dance floor.”

“Looks like I would only be expecting one person’s letter tomorrow.” you smiled at him and chuckled, looking at the ground as you felt timid before him.

The quartet plays another yet song, and the both of you are startled by the sudden start of instruments playing, making you look at each other and burst into laughter.

Jeno holds out his hand at you, and you tilt your head in confusion.

“What is it, Your Highness?” he snickered at the way you addressed him, the lining of his eyes prominent into a crescent shape.

“The imperial court should consider banning that smile. You’re too captivating.” This time, you let your intrusive thoughts reign, and you and Jeno laugh at your absurdity.

“Lady Y/N?” he asked, still holding out his hand and you hummed in response.

“May I have this dance?”

“Yes,” you accepted his hand. “Yes, Your Highness.”

taglist : @g4minelvr @thebubsz @fxckingshame @nosungluv @ajaaaaayyyyy @keemburley @firydust @crustipicklez-blog @daegalismybiasinnct @kunkunlele @minkyuncutie @jenosbiceps

© written by CUPOFWYN . 2024

ೃ⁀➷ LEAVE, NOW ☆.｡.:*

𓆩⟡𓆪 pairing: jeno x fem!reader

𓆩⟡𓆪 word count: 1.6k

𓆩⟡𓆪 themes: angst, breakup

𓆩⟡𓆪 warnings: cursing, cheating

𓆩⟡𓆪 suza’s note: can i just say i’m proud of this one…

𓆩⟡𓆪 requested by some of you!

𓆩⟡𓆪 this is an additional part 2 of jeno’s texts in “when will you leave me?” post, but it also works as a separate oneshot if you don’t want to read the texts.

It hurt.

Your heart, your mind, your body. No part of you was able to keep itself strong, to have any kind of energy to be. You were tied to your bed, sinking into the cold sheets with each move like a lifeless animal on its last breath. The breath that hurt so much, grabbing your sore heart and squeezing it violently as you shut your eyes with tears down your cheeks because no matter where you looked, Jeno was there.

The sheets you were lying in wore the scent of his musky cologne. Most of the pictures on your wall were with him, of him, or the moments spent with him. Hell, even the wrinkled t-shirt you were wearing was his. But the worst of all, you only had him in your mind.

No matter where you went and what you did, he followed you like a spell that had to be undone by a witch to let go. In a way, he did put a spell on you—the moment that caused all of this replayed in your head like a broken record, mocking you ruthlessly until you begged on your knees to stop this madness.

The words you’d never imagined to hear, the situation you’d never imagined to happen.

It was a pretty day. Clouds formed what you could call a shadow of blinding sunlight dodging the skyscrapers to reach and lit up your face. A perfect day to surprise Jeno.

You did most of it almost automatically, like a routine. A takeout from his favorite restaurant in one hand and a bag filled with your clothes and skincare products in the other; everything needed for a sleepover.

After three years of calling yourself boyfriend and girlfriend, you were bound to have some sort of security in your relationship and maybe even further and more serious plans for the future. Jeno had suggested first to add your fingerprint to the doorlock of his apartment. You didn’t mind not having it before, but the offer made you smile. It sounded like the next, although tiny, step in your relationship.

You unlocked the door and entered quietly, hoping he wouldn’t be anywhere near the entrance. Just as you were about to put the bags down and take your shoes off, you heard two familiar male voices, but the words were more distant than ever.

“Wait, so you cheated?” Mark asked, voice cracking slightly.

The silence was excruciatingly long. Your heart froze, bruising with each second passing.

“We talked, then she kissed me.” Another pause, shorter, yet more damaging. “It was good… I felt something I never felt with her.”

Her.

He couldn’t even say your name properly.

You were a fool. A stupid, hopeless, desperate fool.

You were now just her, yet you still waited and hoped for him to reach out to you, explain himself, and apologize.

You damned yourself over and over and over again. You were the one who got hurt. Why did you want him back if he stabbed you right in the heart and twisted the knife inside?

Why did you want a cheater back?

Those words wouldn’t leave your mind even for a moment, trapping you in a self-pitying bubble that was too strong and too painful to break through.

You checked the time on your phone. It was still early afternoon, but time wanted to torture you, slowing down and rolling at its own distorted pace to make sure you took a hit with every thought that crossed your mind. Your phone was dry. The only notifications were a daily reminder from a mobile game you haven’t played for a good week and a text from Jaemin you were not ready to deal with yet. Swiping your fingers on both, your eyes clung to the lockscreen for a moment. Just yesterday you would smile looking at it; you and Jeno, beaming to the camera in a cat cafe. He was always so sweet, then he decided to ruin you in the worst way possible. You opened settings, quickly changing the photo to something that would sting your soul a little less. Now it was an old photo of your family dog that never liked you that much to begin with, but dislike was still better than betrayal.

The doorbell sound rang in your ears, forcing you to get up from your bed. You dragged your feet on the cold floor and made your way to the door. Your hand reached for the handle, opening it slowly, not expecting anyone. The sight knocked you down more than any bullet ever could.

Na Jaemin with a firm frown and behind him, the reason for it all.

Lee Jeno.

You wondered if this was how you’d looked like when you’d found out. Eyes glued to the floor, hunched back, arms limp, head down… Did you also look so lost, like the ground was sweeping from under your feet brutally slowly, letting you fall and bruise your body, letting your body take the damage for your mind? Did you also crumble to the ground, looking for any steady thing to hold onto, because hope wasn’t one of those things anymore?

You’d thought you would feel if you saw him. You imagined yourself over a hundred times screaming your lungs out at him, ripping the skin away from his bones, ending his world just like he ended yours.

You should’ve been mad. You should’ve grabbed him by his hoodie and torn him apart to pieces. You should’ve made his heart bleed slowly and painfully, blood dripping on the floor one by one, drip, drip, drip until he was drowning in it. You should’ve ripped your throat yelling every insult you could think of into his face.

You were static. No screams, no cries, no choked-up laughs. You just looked at him, trying to meet his eyes for once. You wanted to get into his arms, cry into his chest, silently blame him for all the pain he had caused. You wanted to understand, but you have never wanted his pain. You have never wanted him to be the same wreck you were now, because nothing hurt more than seeing someone you love being hurt.

“I’m sorry for bringing him,” Jaemin glared at his friend, “but I think he needs to explain himself. It’s better for both of you if you do it immediately.”

Jaemin bowed his head to you, eyes softening in a mix of pity and compassion when he looked at you. He didn’t say anything more, opting to leave you both alone with no choice but to face the inevitable.

“I’m sor-”

“Take your things please.”

Serenity was the look on his face when his eyes met yours. It was clear, clearer than the day you’d found out, that he already knew and expected.

“You won’t even let me explain?”

“Get inside and take your things.”

You didn’t want to let him talk. If you did, your mind would listen to your heart and you would let him stay a little longer.

You watched him get past you into your apartment, muscle memory leading him to your bedroom. You followed him, but stayed at the door. He was quick to start shuffling around your room, taking any belongings of his he could see.

Jeno had always been careful. Those little details you forgot about, like leaving your jewelry in your bathroom after showering or losing your phone somewhere in the sheets every time the alarm went off, Jeno had never missed out on. He almost knew you better than you knew yourself. He knew how to wound you and he still did it, even adding salt to it, making sure the suffering was obvious.

You watched him throw his clothes into the bag he’d once left at your place, arms crossed and a sour frown on your dried face. His back was facing you, thankfully, because you wouldn’t be able to say the things you wanted to his face without shattering your soul entirely.

“I thought I knew you,” you started. Jeno halted his movements, but didn’t turn around, “I thought you were…” the one? No. You wouldn’t say it to him now, he didn’t deserve to know. Choking the tears inside, you continued, fists turning into stone, knuckles white, hiccups turning into venom on your tongue, “You were so casual saying it… You don’t even regret it, do you? You don’t fucking care. You never did.”

Jeno’s voice was hoarse, barely audible even in the uncomfortable silence. “I did.”

A scoff and a single laughter. “No. If you did, you would think about me at that moment. You would think about hurting me, you would care about me, but you didn’t. You don’t care… You know what? Nevermind. Leave, Jaemin will take your shit.”

The bag dropped on the floor with a thud. No words were said anymore, nothing needed to be said; it was over. You met Jeno’s eyes for the last time, stone cold, as if you were a burden or a meaningless obstacle on his way. His shoulder was harsh when he bumped into you, and for a short moment when he’d reached for the door, you hoped.

Maybe a simple sorry would do, maybe it would only crush you more. You wouldn’t know, you let his actions speak instead of words.

The door slam was your goodbye.

Tears flooded your already swollen face, your whole body shaking uncontrollably, sinking into the floor. At that moment, a memory echoed in your mind. A piece of conversation with Jeno you would’ve never thought about, but now, when it was all you could hear, a bitter smile barely creeping up to your face, realizing you always knew.

“When will you leave me?”

“I won’t, baby.”

“Don’t lie, everybody leaves. Some just do it later than others.”