Xxmellowmelon - Blogging My Life One Day At A Time - Tumblr Blog

They said to just keep mapping lmaoooo. They said all prep work would be done in session and I'm like. Ok. I'll map then. 🫡

Also mapping is so much harder when the alter you thought was All Seeing and All Knowing actually has lost a lot of connection with alters and I'm like. Wtf.

My therapist is going on break for three weeks so I'm gonna ask them what they think I should work on over the course of those weeks to prep for EMDR, which they seem fairly confident about me doing (if only for the trauma behind my medical anxiety) so that'll be a fun bout of upcoming therapy homework. I will totally update once I actually get that information.

Milgram is rising, we are waiting for the next stage)))

Hey sysblr, has anyone had their internal hierarchy break down? What was that like for you, if you have?

We think ours is, if a bit slowly, and I was wondering about the experiences of others! :]

You know how annoying it is to map a system of a shit ton of alters / parts?

Like bro we used to have 1k up in here and now we basically halved ourselves and we have spend over a month now trying to update as changes occur.

I feel like we remember someone mentioning how in therapy bigger systems kinda just end up "collapsing" aka the shit ton of unneeded parts kinda just merge together within their "groups" but I don't remember the source for that (maybe kluft?) and I feel like that's what's happening with us.

But we still have to map for symptom tracking and ughhhhhh it's the worst 😅

My therapist is going on break for three weeks so I'm gonna ask them what they think I should work on over the course of those weeks to prep for EMDR, which they seem fairly confident about me doing (if only for the trauma behind my medical anxiety) so that'll be a fun bout of upcoming therapy homework. I will totally update once I actually get that information.

Heyyy to anyone with any master docs of medical literature about DID... can I have a link? Notes or DMs are fine either way!!

thank you so much for the song recs (and the trigger warnings oml /pos) !!!! I don't mind the wait, take care of yourself first and foremost! 🩵

I'm just discovering vocaloids that aren't the mainstream ones and holy shit why are they cuter than the mainstream ones hello?

Man watching the system community in action over a period of time is so interesting.

My desire to never need another person ran deep. There was a sense of pride in it, too --- from a childhood too overcontrolled to an adult life so out of control, my lack of attachments made me feel powerful. I couldn't trust those I was meant to go to for help, so my solution was to never need help. And, as lonely as it was, it felt safer to be alone. But as much as I wish it were otherwise, people need people…

– Counterdependence September 18, 2024

___ New, original essays every Wednesday, describing personal experiences of living, recovering, and thriving with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

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hi! recently fused system here. did your autistic habits get... "worse", for a lack of better wording? i feel like i'm far more sensitive now that i don't lean on dissociation as a crutch. i had a horrific meltdown yesterday over something that used to just trigger intense dissociation and "freeze". i normally experience shutdowns instead. (i'm alright now, that's not the point of the ask. just context.)

anyway, the real point, i'm taking care of myself, obviously, but it just... i dunno. i feel like everything is way more easily overwhelming and i guess i'm wondering if other fused/functional people relate? solidarity is always nice to find and your blog has been a big source of hope/comfort for several months now.

i hope your day is going well. 💙

Oh ABSOLUTELY. Like the first year after hitting functional multiplicity was honestly almost DEDICATED to autism related issues that only arrose when our dissociation became so much less. Its also something Ive generally heard from people with really any of their non-trauma and/or dissociative centered symptoms.

But yeah it was like a whole saga of having to figure out and navigate the symptoms of secondary conditions now that dissociative was much lower, so huge solidarity

The asexuals love Yosanoo

Them: "Be sure to push your boundaries! Change your routine up! Do things that make you uncomfortable!"

Me: *holds you gently by the cheeks*

Not you. You're autistic. You require routine and boundaries in order to thrive and be healthy. Yes, change will happen and it's important to have a healthy relationship with that possibility. But you do not push yourself. Existing is difficult enough. This one is not for you.

I was far from planning on blasting my face on Tumblr but for the point I'm making I'll have to.

I am a queer man, I am also a man who happens to be trans. Now I pass to almost everyone, I do not take fondness in people knowing I'm trans. But due to facial piercings a lot of those in the Agricultural industry have already made the correct assumption that I am gay.

This has never been met kindly. Four generations of cattlemen and women behind and yet the nicest I get is being treated like I'm a bumbling idiot of a queer. It does get to me, it takes long nights of self hatred and doubt to get up and continue what I'm doing. Especially since I'm building everything back up from the ground.

The reason I'm yapperin on like this is because, Agriculture is for everyone. This industry is not only the life line of America, but the backbone of the world. It doesn't matter who you are, what race, sexuality, or gender, you belong. And if you choose to start a farm, homestead, or anything of these lines, you belong here.

The world of rednecks and American country culture has be diluted into being seen as a Republican wasteland. But I'm here to tell you that ain't it.

A real redneck, a real farmer, they don't care. It don't matter to them who you are, where you came from. If you put in the work, if you have the willpower and spirit, you belong here.

A true redneck isn't some racist hick, but a man beaten down again and again but still gets up. Ain't no redneck gonna praise a politician or a government, as they ain't never helped the poor folk. There ain't no difference between who you like, who you are, we're all in the same boat.

Please, for the love a god who you don't have to believe in, don't let anyone tell you this industry ain't for you. Hell, I may not like you or your choices, but that won't never stop me from beaten a fellow farmer down.

"This policing of illnesses online often verges on bullying, and can have serious ramifications for both posers and people with real-life conditions. It creates a 'boy who cried wolf' culture around health on social media, which subjects actual sufferers to skepticism and condemnation. . . . Feldman calls actual sufferers 'the real casualties of deception — because they are there legitimately seeking help. When the skepticism ends up undermining their efforts to get it, that's just deeply unfortunate.'"

Harriet Shepherd (2021) on the witch-hunting of people who fake disorders/illnesses. [Source]

"We intentionally did not include anyone . . . from the subreddits devoted to exposing 'munchies'- a term they use to describe individuals with Munchausen-by-Internet who feign mental illness and medical illness for often complex psychological reasons. Part of that decision was because a lot of the posts on these forums contain misinformation as well. For example, someone on a forum wanted to expose a fake DID poster by citing that DID cannot happen before age 30. This is not accurate. Furthermore, these subreddits drive further traffic to the accounts they are exposing which is counterproductive given the motivation beyond many of these accounts is to get attention, any type of attention, and also to get revenue from viewers and clicks. Jessica has instead suggested that if we come across accounts that appear to be spreading mental health misinformation, we should first approach with constructive criticism and compassion. Some individuals will not be open to this but others may be. At the very least, leaving comments that are constructive may help others who come across the account. She also emphasizes that the inner experiences of individuals are opaque to outsiders, especially when it comes to mental illness, and trying to 'out the fakers' is fraught with problems and should be left to trained mental health professionals."

The Frontier Psychologists and Carlene Macmillan (2021) on the witch-hunting of people who fake disorders/illnesses. [Source]

is that person actually "demanding emotional labour" from you or did you follow one shitty therapist on twitter

I'm realizing that I don't share a lot of my negative thoughts or things that poke at me on a consistent basis with my therapist but I'm so used to it that it doesn't even register as a problem to begin with. Like nobody's an angel. But maybe I should talk about them anyway. I wonder if I'm misrepresenting myself to my therapist.

Though to be fair I'm there so I can handle my DID lmao and for no other reason.

Maybe I can make myself feel better by working on skills to help me out so I dont have to spend a lot more money.

Including learning more about homesteading. Especially homesteading.

Trying very hard to focus on having fun right now but it's kind of hard to do that when you were reminded that the moment I move out of my parent's house I will be considered poor and that I will probably need to work two jobs to live.

I know I'm posting a lot of sad shit but today sucked and I'm sad.

Trying very hard to focus on having fun right now but it's kind of hard to do that when you were reminded that the moment I move out of my parent's house I will be considered poor and that I will probably need to work two jobs to live.

I know I'm posting a lot of sad shit but today sucked and I'm sad.

If I put a spider in Dazai’s bed for him to find how would he react? Asking for a friend.

Pro choice rally, 1989, San Francisco. Phyllis Christopher