Ahoy - Tumblr Posts
Fuck mental illness
Sincerely: my clinically depressed, borderline ass
One of the sketches I made when my therapist asked to draw my mental state
And another one about my fucked up mind
You know,
As an artist you usually have two moods:
You have tons of ideas but no will to draw
You have zero ideas but a will to draw
And then there's me with both inspiration and in a mood to be productive but I just had to close the car door on the thumb of my drawing hand
In other words I might be unable to paint for a while
Bit of an update why I haven't been active
Shit's fucked.
Cheers, I love you all, hang on
You’d think,
That having been assigned a psychologist (who made my case their pet project, no less) and a psychiatrist that happen to be a married couple would make my recovery easier. Patient discretion be damned, I trust them both with my mental health. So I'd like to believe they discuss my case at least the tiniest bit.
I've notified my pshychologist over half a year ago about how I'd like to change my meds because they affect me negatively (if I take the prescribed amount, I get knocked out for 12+ hours), they said they'd get me an appointment with my psychiatrist.
I spoke to them BOTH about this issue, after that. Several times. Yet nothing came of it.
'Oh, I'll lower the amount, then.'
Well fuck me sideways, I love a good sleep, but I'd actually like to be fucking functional during the day, so I could get my life back on bloody track.
I'm sorry for the rant, and I know this isn't what I usually post about, but I'm just... done.
I already wrote about my step-father's opinion on my mental problems over a year ago. Well this lovely man is now living with us again. It started with him not even acknowledging me, unless I did something he didn't approve of, then it gradually went downhill from there. At this point I don't feel welcome in what I thought was my home and am reluctant to leave campus and visit even on weekends.
This is bad because of two main reasons.
Firstly, because that's the one place where I truly feel at ease and spending time there, with my dogs, helps an immense amount. But the fact that I can't go join them in the living room without getting angry or annoyed glances and mutters from my step-father is slowly making me feel ostracised and incredibly alone in my own 'home'. I'd rather stay on campus. At least there I don't have to tip toe into the kitchen for water / food.
Secondly, my mum is guilt tripping me into going back anyways, assuring me to no end that that IS my home and constantly saying, in a hurt voice, that it pains her to see us feud and that the tension is awful - but only when we are alone and I think only to me. While not friendly, I have been nothing but polite to my step-father the whole time, I am at a loss at what else I could do to ease the situation.
We talked a bit about it today (before she shut me down, saying she is 'not in the mood') and one thing is clear: my step-father still believes that I am lying about my condition and that I'm just manipulating everybody, especially my mother. He still believes that I'm a deadbeat, spoiled brat, who is whining and avoiding responsibilities while using my diagnosis as an excuse.
I'm tired.
I want to talk to him, I want to talk to my mother. I want to talk this shit out, but it'd be a miracle if I ever get them to sit down with me.
One of my least favorite mental illness things is "hungry but dont feel like eating" and its companions "hungry but all the food in the house is Illegal," "hungry but can't make anything," and "hungry, want to eat, but why bother"
Let's play a game called 'How Many Suicide Jokes Can I Make Before People Realize I'm Seriously Thinking About It'