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Bang bang
I hit the ground.
He lighted his cigarette and looked at me.
“Ya want sum?” he said to me. I nodded and he leisurely passed it to me.
I sighed as I smoked it. “I’ve never felt like this before.” I said.
“How so?”
“Seasons change you know? I change. I’m not the same. I never thought I’d start smoking cigarettes.”
He looked at me and took the cigarette outta my hand. “What do you mean exactly?”
Staring at the parking lot, I explained: “You know that I did weed and that shit but never nicotine. My father did it all the fucking time. Man was so crazy for it that whenever we’d tell him to quit smoking he would make empty promises. Hated him for that. Lied to us for all his life. And that’s how it brought me to hate nicotine.” looking back at him, I see him already staring at me. “Now, I smoke it once in a while. Should I be ashamed?”
He got a long hit and then answered: “Nah, doll. Look. When I was five, I used to stay at my pops and I knew that he always had a gun somewhere hidden in the house. Every Sunday I’d hear bangs coming from the backyard. In the morning I’d see dry blood in the yard. This went on for three years. None stop. And I never questioned my father’s decisions. But oh, how did I hate him for making them. Guess we all went through sumthin that traumatized us.”
I stared at him and hesitantly asked him “Do you still hear the bangs?”
He sadly smirked and looked up to the sky while responding to me with: “I hear Bang Bang every Sunday night. And I wake up scared to find dried blood in the backyard.”
I curiously asked: “Didn’t you even have the urge to ask him why he did that?”
“Of course I did, doll. I knew I’d get a beating because of it so I shut my mouth, forced my eyes closed and pushed myself to sleep with the bangs.”
I slowly slid to him and hugged him tightly. “I’m so sorry, Wood. Why did you have to go through all that at such a young age?”
“One of us should suffer in this life babe. And God said it was my turn. Gotta accept it doll. Now don’t get sad because of me” He tilted his head down to take a look at me and he saw the tears that were shedding from my eyes. I sadly looked back at him and said: “You’re my baby boy. I love you. With my whole heart.”
“I love you Doll.”
"Aragorn guida Frodo, Sam, Merry e Pipino verso Gran Burrore"
-Il signore degli anelli: la compagnia dell'anello (2001)
or i won't play at all if you don't want me to play
"Quando stai così male dentro, non ti rendi conto del dolore che provi fuori."
-anima-nera99
Non rebloggo mai perché mi piace avere solo cose scritte da me nella mia pagina ma questa era troppo bella 💜
-PersaDentro-
In questi giorni ho mangiato tanto rispetto al solito. Pizza, gelato, biscotti.
Mi sento in colpa. Ho paura. Paura di ingrassare, paura di essere giudicata, paura di cambiare, di sentirmi diversa, di non sentirmi più io, di perdere quella sicurezza acquistata faticosamente.
Ho paura di tornare a farmi del male seriamente se ricomincio a mangiare tanto. Lividi, sangue, vomito. Non so se lo sopporterei ancora.
E poi di nuovo le persone si allontanerebbero da me. Perché queste cose agli altri fanno ribrezzo, neanche fossero contagiosi come la lebbra.
Sto male perché mangio e mangio perché sto male. Che cazzo di meccanismo contorto e malato da cui non riesco a uscire. Che sofferenza.
Sto male ma devo fare finta di non stare così male. Che siano vittorie queste , anche se dentro per me sono sconfitte. Perché mi sento forte quando non mangio, quando mi riduco all'osso.
-PersaDentro-
27/11/2022
