Bayli - Tumblr Posts

I miss my best friend dearly. I would give anything in the world to be able to see her again. Testosterone made it so hard for me to cry, but I haven't had a day since they were killed that I haven't teared up or wept.

There are hundreds of things I want to draw for her, of her, in memory of her. It feels like I may never have the time, or the energy. Would it be healing? Is healing listening to the same song on repeat and thinking of them? I've realized in the weeks after they died that love seems endlessly entwined with sorrow. I cannot love without feeling a grief in my heart that she is gone, that one day the people around me may be gone too. It's terrifying, and I try not to let myself dwell on it.

It's okay that grieving is a part of love. Grief isn't a bad thing. I'm learning to live with it, to open my ribs to it and nestle it close and careful next to my heart. I'd rather feel this in my chest for the rest of my life than forget even half of how much she meant to me.

It terrifies me how close to death we all are. People in my life get into accidents all the time. My siblings, my friends. I'm petrified that the world will lose another. Sometimes it freezes me, genuinely pulls me to a halt with a clenched jaw. Unlike grief, I do hope this sensation goes away. I hope the people I love live forever.